Broke My Heart in the Trailer Park

Jun 21st, 2008 6:58:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: whiny

Everyone does this to me.

I like to think I'm a hard ass. I like to think I can control my feelings. In reality; I just react to heartache in a really fucked up manner.

I am not in control.

I do not have a firm hold on this situation.

Lately, I try to distract myself from acknowledging it. I could wallow in misery. I could sit around and cry and stuff my face. Instead I went out and took a million pictures of my hometown, sat by the lake for hours, chilled with my parents.

Felt my organs collapsing.

Is this healthy? Should I wallow? Every time this happened this year, I laid in bed for a week or two and tried to sleep away the pain. Then Chelsea would make me do something and then I'd meet someone to distract me until I'm over them. Then the new person would creep me out and I'd decide being single is okay.

He never creeped me out, though. He just found someone better.

Routine is out of whack.

Perhaps, instead of playing it off, I should let him know how much this hurts me. He should be aware of my feelings for him.

Or I can attempt to maintain the appearance of sanity.

I want to change everything about me. I've lost 10 pounds. I want to lose 50 more. I want my hair to be shiny and my skin to be clear and pale. I want to stand out and wear nifty clothes and everyone to want me.

Everyone should want to be around me all the time. I wonder how you go about obtaining such a status.

For once, I want to be the person people cry over.

Let's switch it up. Why doesn't anyone ever slit their wrists over me?

---

New Version of You

Jun 20th, 2008 6:29:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: accepted

I'm going to be okay.
Just you wait.
It will happen some day.
I'll change this state.



I can be cute sometimes.





Things are looking up for the time being. It may just be because I'm in Wilson and it feels good to be in a different place. Maybe I'm just trying really hard to make the best of things. I just hope this isn't temporary. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy.

I want to forget how I felt about him.

---

The Next To Be With You

Jun 18th, 2008 5:24:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: done

Tonight was the first night in a long time that I've felt happy.

Lucas, Shannon, Jonny, Megan and I all sat on the back porch watching a fire and listening to music on Shannon's iDog or whatever. Shannon brought out sparklers for us all to play with. Jonny was pretending to be an air traffic director and Shannon was the plane.

Their being couples didn't even phase me. It didn't matter that I was singled out. It felt great to be around neat people, throwing back beers, smoking cigarettes, listening to crappy music. Laughing.

For once I didn't feel alone. I just kept stopping to think how great tonight turned out to be.

I saw a shooting star and wished for Josh.

I got on facebook just now and it has him freshly listed as "in a relationship."

My stomach is going nuts.

I give up.

---

Words and Dreams and a Million Screams

Jun 17th, 2008 2:29:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy

I miss him.
I miss my parents.
I miss being around intelligent people.

I was checking out post secret last night and I broke down. One of them had a bunch of smiley face notes that said "have a good day" and such. The secret read "I'm going to miss these when I move out this fall."

I choked. I leapt out of bed and started pacing around my room, I couldn't breathe. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran outside. The clouds were orange and contained a David Firth vibe. It suited me. I walked up and down the sidewalk until I threw up. I lit a cigarette and started bawling. My chest hurt so much, I was whimpering as I struggled for breath. I fell to my knees and screamed into my person.

Work was uneventful.

I want a boyfriend.
Why bother?
You know how this is going to turn out.
This post is not unlike all the others.
Just a new song.
I'm driving to Wilson on Wednesday. I can't take this.

---

When Home Becomes a Strange Place

Jun 15th, 2008 1:40:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: Ouchy

I finally cried. I thought it would make me feel better. I was listening to Rise Against for some godawful reason and I just broke down. Period is making me hormonal as hell. I almost had a panic attack at work but managed to distract myself long enough for it to pass. I hope I don't go nuts at work. That's all I need.

I'll follow your voice.

I wish hope was that easy. Hope might actually be nice at this point. I know the end of my loneliness is near. Why can't I meet someone? You'd think out of all the people in this town I could find one neat person to make me feel special.

Someone other than Jeremy.

Soooo conflicted about that.

I might as well go running back? I won't ever meet anyone who will worship me the way he did. No one will ever love me like that. No one will ever love me, period. That's becoming more and more obvious. Each day bares a constant reminder of how plain I am. I used to think I was special. I lack the strength to laugh at this irony.

Calder told me I looked significantly less fat than I did in college.

(takes moment to rock out to angsty song in towel)

I'd kill to be in love.

Did I just say that?

Ugh. I'm quite torn about this. I know where I stand on the issue. Love, bad. Casual sex, good. But... I'm remembering the mutlitude of furry feelings I got years ago when people said nice things to me. I miss feeling all shy and giddy. I miss relationships before sex.

Now my stomach seriously hurts. I'm going to pretend it's because I'm so nausiated by a previous statement.

Not having someone makes me want to cry.

WTF?

I'm really getting upset with these opposing viewpoints. I finally know what people mean when they talk about their heart and brain disputing. I am actually experiencing this quarrel amongst my organs. I am so pissed right now. This nonsense must come to an end.

---

Down Like a Clown

Jun 13th, 2008 10:17:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ill

I've been horribly sick. Pukey and such. My muscles are sore and all I ever do is sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open last night so I went to bed early, then woke up at 9. I ate some noodles and went back to sleep for a few hours. I started my period so I can use that as an excuse for all this laziness. Work is going to blow if I keep doing this. I need more exercise.

People are laughing usptairs and it's not fair.

Jeremy came to visit again and it makes me sad. He loves me so much but I'm holding out for someone else. I wish other girls realized how special he is. I wish he got out more.

Nothing seems more than just temporary. I feel like I'm not going to work at Days Inn for more than a few weeks before I find something better. People have worked there for 15 years. I can't imagine being a maid for that long. The chick who trained me had to point out that she learns faster than I since she's been doing this since she was 16. I was impressed. I'm pretty sure I have the highest education out of all of them. I'm the youngest. I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for them or envy them. They've made a career out of a minimum wage highschool job and they're okay with that. No one expects anything more out of them.

They pretty much have it made.
Or should I say, "maid."

Shut up.

So. I've lost all desire to smoke. The ladies at work are so trashy and toothless it makes me want to throw up.

Everything has that effect on me. Brain takes my sadness out on my stomach when I can't express myself. I wish I could cry. I haven't cried in ages. I know I would feel a lot better.

I got a package from Chelsea that cheered me up. I wish she would have sent me a package with herself or Josh in it, though. Missing them is making me ill. I'm so tired of not going to school and being around people. I thought summer would be a nice relaxation period but I'm even more worn out now.

I want to make out with a pretty girl or a cute boy.

Just once. Drunk or high. Just one semi-arousing encounter with an insignificant, yet attractive person would help me survive this surprisingly painful summer.

I wish to disappear for the next 2 months.

---

Forgotten Bathmat

Jun 9th, 2008 6:01:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: squishy

I always feel like my insides are deteriorating. I'm pretty sure if I ever get cancer it's going to be in my stomach. I'm a hypochondriac. I wait around for all these diseases to take place.

Today was my first day of work on my own. They were all stay overs. It creeps me out walking around in other people's filth. It's one thing to clean up when they're gone but I'm convinced that I cleaned three rooms today where the people were pretty much living. One room had mexican flags and pictures of hispanic children in the mirrors. I kept picturing this guy coming in and referring to me as "white girl" and making all sorts of generalizations about my rich dad.

I'm horribly prejudiced. To the point where I think everyone else is.

I only worked for three hours. I could have stayed longer and helped out but no one seemed too friendly.

I'm really hungry but I don't want to eat. I hate it that I'm so chubby and I can't afford healthy food. After a nice six hour nap I'm going to snarf down a bowl of total and convince myself it's good for me.

I hate being this shallow. I also hate being this fat.

I want to look hot before school starts. I know it won't happen. It never does. I'm just about miserable enough to do it though.

---

Floorlamp

Jun 8th, 2008 5:17:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: nauseous

My first day at work went well. Or so I believe. I'm slow but I'm sure I'll get used to it all. I can't wait until I can do everything without freaking out.

My tummy hurts.

I'm in love. I'm admitting it now. Infatuated. Lustful. All those horrid things.

It's not mutual. It will never work out.

I miss my parents. Working makes me feel so distant. So grown up. So far from them. I just want to hang out around their house and eat their food. I'm so jealous of my friends. I just started and I already feel like I need to take time off to see them.

I am now breathing a sigh of relief. I'll never remember why.

---

Kept Just Out of Reach

Jun 7th, 2008 6:05:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: infatuated
Currently Listening To: LTJ

Gas is supposed to skyrocket.

W/E.

Sooo melancholy.

Not apathetic.

I'm actually hurting today. How does Less than Jake sound so happy all the time?

Their songs are all so cheerful and fast but the lyrics are sad as hell. I guess that's why I like them so much. Nobody likes a morbid bastard. I always make fun of my state.

I try to anyway.

I can't help it if I just need to lay in bed for weeks on end, trying to sleep away the pain.

Drama Queen.

God, I wish Josh would sign on to MSN. It really blows not talking to him. I have to get up for an interview tomorrow and I don't even care. I just want to talk to him. This is the first time in days that I've had the internet. This is the only form of communication these days. Who uses the phone anymore?

I was mostly excited that I can watch porn again. I tried to masty but I got all grossed out. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian again.

Except for the whole being infatuated with Josh thing.

I'm waiting for him to come out of the closet or start dating some beautiful girl so I can begin the process of getting over him.

Lay in bed for weeks on end until someone significantly less fantastic comes along.

Or until I start going to parties and engage in casual sex again.

So much easier anyway.

Sick of feeling. Sick of liking him. Sick of relationships. SickSickSick.

I'm not going to be chipper tomorrow.

---

Reality Czech

May 23rd, 2008 9:07:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy
Currently Listening To: Get Up Kids

I can't start working until next week. I have to get a second job. I'm going to be super late on the rent. I'm pretty much fucked as far as money goes.

I miss my friends. I miss having Chelsea and Josh around all the time. I miss the dorm. I miss being held and touched and violated. I hate waking up alone. I've done it for 18 years. I should be used to it but after 8 months of having someone my bed or at least in the room has spoiled the hell out of me. This past year has left a drastic illusion of loneliness in the present. Lucas and Shannon are usually around but they're basically my parents. Spooning doesn't work with them.

My piercing is leaving a funky smell in my nose. It's going to be there until I die.

Sink is backed up. Tub doesn't drain very well. I can't even afford this place.

Jeremy thinks we're still together. I don't want him anymore but I depend on him. I wish I could still like him. He's such a great person. Why can't I love him? He needs a special girl to make him feel as special as he is. As special as he thinks I am. I can't even describe the way he looks at me. I don't understand it. If someone ever did what I did, I would never love them.

I'm such an ugly person. Inside and out.

So confused and frightened.

Growing up is absolutely horrifying.

I hope things work out. They usually do. I feel like I'm just avoiding certain situations.

I like Josh a lot. I'm convinced he's gay. Most of the former semi-closet bisexuals I know are. I know too many non-straight kids to not see this coming.

Last night he told me he was unsure of my orientation. I pretty much said nothing since I'm unsure about it as well. I kind of want him to think I'm a lesbian so he doesn't have to feel bad about not dating me. Deep down, I wish he liked me.

I wish I could let him.

I wish I was pretty so I wouldn't have to worry about people not liking me.

This is absurd. People like me. They just don't want to fuck me.

Who could blame them?

This works out perfectly as I seem to be unable to fuck anyone I actually like.

Sex is so scary.

---

Drag me across the floor.

May 18th, 2008 5:40:29 am - Subscribe
Mood: infatuated

I'm falling for..rrr.... I hate me.

I'm going to a dance party in a bit.

Sober.

My mind is on one who won't be there. I'm not even anticipating making out with a million people. Maybe a girl or two. Bryce doesn't even seem that great right now...at all. Why is this happening? I'm falling for him. I think I might be willing to take that horrid gamble. I actually want to wait for him.

The whole summer.

I was actually jealous when he told me he was going to hook up with a guy.

Jealousy is not my thing. Unless it's Bryce and Chelsea. Then I get jealous. Jealous as hell. But that was different.

I called dibs.

But this is new. Monogomy makes sense now? It shouldn't. It never does with me. Especially since we never agreed to date exclusively.

I just like him a lot.
I miss him too.
I keep thinking about him.
I hate this.

I can't let him feel the same. He has to hurt me. Or perhaps at this point I can hurt him?

Not likely.

Maybe I can act really psycho when he comes to visit in a few weeks. Then it will push him away. I'll be sad for a while, then I'll find someone else to drunkenly violate me to feel alive for a while, only to be repulsed by all men for the following week. Low maintenance atw.

Or maybe I'll just hold him really close and touch his hair.

I always do the opposite of what I decide is best.

Frequent drunken no-strings-attached sex>monogamous stringy relationship with fuzzy feely shit.

Former=confusion and temp happiness.
Latter=hurty ouchiness.

I just don't want to get all mushy around him. I don't want to tell him how I feel when he's away, or how often he crosses my mind or even how insanely attractive I find him. I don't want to feel compelled to inform him of such nonsense.

Mushy causes problems.

But he makes me mushy....

Be a hardass, Evie. Stand your ground. Don't let him do this to you.
Grampa, you're insane.
Shut up, Rachel.
I'm Ramses.

Shit, now I'm doing it in my blog too.

I think as long as I don't tell him I love him or let myself think I love him or let him think he loves me or let him tell me he loves me, we'll be fine.

I want to love him.

NOOO!

My room is a mess. Clean. Dance party. Make out with girls. Don't think about Josh. Don't love Josh. Masty. Sleep.

---

Deep down I love you so.

May 17th, 2008 2:23:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: alone

It's like throwing out a brand new purse, knowing someday the strap will give.

I need to give this a chance.

He gave me a chance.

I just really hate it when the strap breaks.

...

Metaphors are fun when you don't want to talk about your feelings.

---

Mindless All the Way

May 14th, 2008 9:53:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: neurotic

I took adderall to help me study. I went to the lobby for a better environment. I expected focus.

My mouth tastes of plastic electricity.

I'm pretty sure it was covered in E. I got all euphoric and nuts. It faded after a while. I ran downstairs to grab a drink but ended up in the wrong area with the wrong currency.

I sat with Josh while he was at work. I bet I annoy the hell out of that kid. He's like Jeremy in the worst way, the type of person who can't reveal how they truly feel about others. Insanely polite.

I was all nuts from the brief E high and ran around for a bit. Josh showed me a video that reached into the scariest location within me. Tears traveled down my face as the lights danced before me. I knew where this was going.

This was the worst timing.

This was the only timing.

This is what I need to feel. This is not how I should have to feel it.

I much rather put off my sadness until the tears are convenient and concealed. Sadly, it never works out.

Is this how it works for everyone? I like to think I'm special. I like to pretend I'm the only one who hides. But it's everyone else who's hiding. I'm the honest one. I'm an open book. An encyclopedia of insanity. I only hide what destroys not what is merely unpleasant. Often, my honesty pushes others away. Am I hiding, or am I just forcing others to abandon me?

I was crying because I feel alone. Josh was sitting right there trying to make it better. Comfort hurts sometimes. I can only imagine what goes through the minds of others at moments like these. I still see what is to come. I still see what has happened. He can't hold me forever. It's only a matter of time before I force him out of my life.

I can't be near anyone. This is what happens. I see the end. I want to say this is different but is it? Right now it seems he's more capable of hurting me than I am of him.

This may be different. But it reveals another edition of my cowardice.

I just wanted to study.

Eric does it too. I'm not him, I'm not him, I'm not him. I'm not him. I am not him. I am not Eric.

Please, don't let me be him.

I'm moving. I'm not depending on my parents. I hardly contact them. Words never find themselves in their direction. I feel like such a failure and I haven't even done anything yet.

I feel their disappointment. I want to make them proud. I want them to tell me what to do. WHAT DO THEY WANT? They want me to be happy but they don't teach you that in school.

(I never write in all caps. I actually screamed that in my head. It was sharp.)

I can't work in an office. I want to be a great artist, I want to be a novelist, I want to be a minimalist, traveling the country. I want to settle down somewhere. I want to be alone, I want great friends. I want to be independent. I want to do something selfless. I want to change the world. I want my family to be proud of me.

I want to stop crying... now.

The adderall is causing me to focus on everything that has ever hurt me.

Or perhaps I'm causing that. I brought all this baggage out in the open to Josh. I don't know why I speak of such things lately. This shouldn't be the only angle of myself I have to offer the world. At a point of confusion he suggested I make a timeline.

He was kidding.

2000
Severe ADD, daydreaming turned into hallucinations and longterm dillusions, broke a mirror, found reality in bleeding.

2001
9/11, Kenny was sent overseas almost instantly. Mom completely detached herself from everyone. Smoked lots of pot. Lonely as hell. Dad never around. Brothers drinking, working, smoking. Date rape. More seclusion.

2003
Started dating Nichols. Felt better about things. Rekindled friendships. He cheated with Desawhore, I quit eating. Severe desperation for human contact. More Pot. Constant drama.

2004
Mom still in front of Leave It To Beaver. Started dating Neusome. Beat the hell out of me, physically forced to give him head. Threw up, beat me some more then jerked off in my face and slept with Desirae over the weekend. Broke up the following Monday. Offered to put out more if he took me back. Referred to as Pukedick for weeks following.

2004
Can't give good head. Kenny came home. Jeremy started weening his way into my life. Laura=beauty. Ceased food issues. Happy again. Still smoking pot. Swore off guys. Jeremy ruined that. Stopped being "goth". Laura's dad died. Empathy. New perspective.

2005
Eric took me to see Weezer.First signs of Eric's problem. Still getting high. Still can't give head. Started drinking. Apathetic relatioinship w/ Hook.

2006
Discontinued excessive pot use. Eric messed up. I witnessed. Sat around the house all summer making me do shit for him. Mom, mad at him, chose to take it out on me, as I was the "stable" one. Worked three jobs to escape. Comfort in numbness. "Never drink again." Apathy.

2007
Maggie. Anxiety problems. Mild alcoholism. Hopelessness about future. Broke up with Jeremy to persue Old Kid. Graduation. Parents found cigarettes. Stopped talking, domestic issues, took Jeremy back, still dealing with Eric. Moved in with Lucas, moved into dorms.

Everything got better.

Everything since then is irrelevant. I'm not sure what I've accomplished from this. I don't think it helped me understand my state... at all. This is my skeleton. These past few months are a new outfit I'm not used to.

There is a great deal I hate about college. I feel like in highschool, everyone knew my whole story. Now I have to constantly explain myself to new people. Whether it's "Why do they call you Grampa?" or "Why won't you give me a blow job?" or "Why do you put up with Chelsea?" or "Why do you always twitch like that," It's not that I don't want people to know me. I just grow so tired of the same questions. I wish only one person could show curiousity and I can give the world my explaination all at once. I guess sometimes I feel as though I need to hear it to remember what went wrong.

I guess that's why I hate meeting people. I hate it that they don't just get me right away. I never realized how much history everyone has. I've only known Chelsea for 8 months and yet, I probably know more about her than most people she grew up with.

Cookies breaking off the edges to fit into the jar of college.

I miss my corners.

Despite my irritation with the questions, I've become so much more open. I think I'm trying to push everyone away from me. I want everyone to see how insane I am. Maybe I want to see how much a person can know me before they run off.

Invalid. No one has ever run from me. I always do the running.

Do I want them to understand me? Perhaps I feel I need to know that someone can handle me.

No such luck.

Chelsea can't even handle me. But she accepts me. That's why I can't let her go. She treats me badly and I don't always like her but she unmistakably sees who I am and still wants to be around me.

That's fucking special.

Jeremy was the same. He was nicer to me. I think I like him more than Chelsea but it pisses me off that he won't go to school. I don't want to be in love with him. It was difficult to break it off with him because he's so sensitive and I feel responsible for destroying him. Have you ever destroyed your best friend? He'll manage.

It's over now.

But then Josh wandered in.

Dammit, it's not like it was his fault. I completely initiated it. I almost wish Chelsea would just sleep with him already so I can get over him and focus on other things. I love how she looks out for me.

She can obliterate me.

Is she really all that good for me?

I want to crawl into that outlet. My kidneys hurt. My head is spinning. Adderall was a bad idea. At least I'm awake. I wish I could study instead of sit here and analyze every possible theory as to why I can't stop crying. Why I push people away. Why I can't focus. Why I only hurt at the worst times. Why I can't just have short intervals of feeling instead of eruptions of devistation when I should be my happiest.

Why I smell like an appliance.

Why my focus is on the wrong dilemma.

Why other people know why they are sad and my sadness is a subconscious/repressed torment whose deciphering proceedure is nearly impossible.

I am not a complex person.

Drama is not my fancy.

This is probably why I crash. Others seem to crash harder and more often. I crash in an unusual fashion.

I wish I didn't have to do this.

---

Moblathka

May 13th, 2008 12:54:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: bubbly

So since that experience, I've been really giddy. I keep thinking of things we said and did that night/morning/afternoon that make me laugh so hard.

We all watched the video over dinner. It was probably the most hillarious thing ever we've ever recorded. It was so unlike anything any of us had ever done. The fact that even Chelsea and Janece were amused by it makes it so much better.

My giddiness is also a result of Josh telling me he didn't regret making out with me. I can't remember what we were talking about that lead up to that statement but I keep thinking about it now and it makes me smiley.

I love it when people can do that to me. Rather than just creep me out or make me feel sick and dirty. Or worse, indifferent. I don't care what he meant by that. He could have meant that he doesn't regret things like that very easily or he could have meant that he wishes to engage in such encounters in the future. It doesn't matter because we still hang out and it's fun and things aren't awkward between us.

But still, I keep acting like I'm in junior high. I like him. I'm pretty sure he likes me. The idea of sharing a sober kiss with him causes feelings I haven't experienced in years. But I'm afraid to. I slept in his room last night. We watched a movie and spooned. Today we were watching Jim Gaffigan and we passed out. Being around him is pretty terrific.

It really blows that I'm such a pussy around him. I usually have so much confidence around guys. I'm such a little kid when I actually like someone. I'm so much cooler when it's recreational. I rather enjoy it though. At least I get to spend time with him. He isn't like the other people I've been with this year where I make out with them, sleep over, leave before they wake, never see them again. Those were fun and all, but still... Josh.

I won't see him all summer.

Anticipation is mildly refreshing. It makes me feel things. Things I never feel with instant one-night drunken temporary confidence improvements.

No syringe could possibly cram any more adjectives into that last sentence.

---

That's not a deer.

May 11th, 2008 7:12:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: distracted

Josh and I went to a lame punk show and drove around, listening to Modest Mouse on my shitty car speakers. I really felt like I connected with him. I can't explain it. It's like he just understood something that most others just ignore.

I sat with him at work into the wee hours of the night.

It was about 4am. I didn't want to end another situation with him with an awkward goodbye, as if we are both dying to go at each other but both too shy to initiate the first move.

I remembered Chelsea's E and asked if he'd like to do it with me. He agreed and I went to ask Chelsea. We split a hit around 6 and Chelsea drove us and Janece to watch the sun rise. Josh and I were already wacky from sleep deprivation so we immediately started to irritate Chelsea and Janece. This only made my feelings for him greater since I felt as though Chelsea and Janece didn't understand. Chelsea more or less demanded that I don't date him. This encourages me pine for him so much more.

People drove by asking us if we needed help. We sat there in blankets waiting for the sun to rise and for the x to kick in. Josh and I shared a blanket. He put his arm around me. This simple gesture was probably the most incredible thing I experienced in all of this. I wasn't even high yet.

Then it started. The sun rose. As did we. The whole ride home Josh and I kept touching everything. It was a stereotypical trip. Everything was soft and we wouldnt shut up about it. Sooner than expected, Josh and I were touching each other and making out uncontrollably.

His eyes were huge and he kept uttering the most hilarious things. We stopped at sonic and ordered pubic hair.

Suddenly we were at the dorms. We crawled into Janece's bed which was the softest thing ever and it seriously felt as though every cell on my body was having an orgasm. Nerve endings multiplied and crowded together, making it impossible not to vocalize such delight. Josh and I confessed our undying love for each other. We kept making out and Chelsea told us to stop. She also demanded that we don't have sex. We kept calling her sex nazi. She told us we should slow down or we'd regret it. I told her it was okay because I knew he was a neat kid and to my surprise Josh told her that he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time. I pretty much felt like a 14 year old. I still do. I still feel really special that a cute guy like Josh would want a chubby little girl like me. I feel so repulsive sometimes. Especially around him.

We talked for hours and never felt tired. Janece came in and made us leave. We went to his room where I slept for a whole hour.

I felt so refreshed but now I'm crashing. I can't wait for Janece to wake up so I can see the video. When it makes it to youtube, I'll post a link. It's probably the funniest dialog that has ever been spewed from our mouths.

---

Broken Pots

May 4th, 2008 1:00:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: mopey
Currently Listening To: Butthole Surfers

Long distance relationships DO NOT work.

I wouldn't know this since I've never had one. I hate it when people tell me I know nothing about life or love as if they do. Nothing drives me more insane.

They're right. I know nothing about life and even less about love.

But they are just as clueless as I.

You have no fucking room to talk.

No one understands anything when they're 15.

Or 19.

Or ever.

My parents have lived together for a million years and for some reason they don't want to strangle each other all the time. Is that love? Ideally, yeah. But who's to say that their relationship is the only form of love? Who's to say that you find your true love before the age of 25, spend a few years dating exclusively, get married, have sex, spleek out some kids, raise them, get old, work, bitch, die.

Love is only a chemical reaction to affection.

We only feel this dire urge to be with someone because our hormones are raging and we're needy as hell and we want to feel like we're someone else's one and only so we compromise by deciding that this other person is the only person we're allowed to express affection towards in order for them to agree to repeat our actions. We have feelings for others but limit ourselves to that one person so we can feel special when they do the same.

Monogamy baffles me.

I'll never settle.

My mom walked in on me and Hook spooning. It was awkward but I think she took it well. She didn't throw shit and accuse me of rogering him. She only asked for help because my dad fell.

Apparently he got surgery.

Wacky DELI!

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Finally Dandy With the Me Inside

Apr 29th, 2008 4:13:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: jazzed

So excited about Weezer's new album!


This is us, excited as hell.

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You Silly King

Apr 21st, 2008 3:47:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: fruity

I pierced my septum. I like it but I'm sure it looks retarded and poseurish.

Being single blows.

It's not that I want a boyfriend. It just makes me realize how few people want me.

It also forces me to recall how repulsive I am.

I'm fat.I look like a boy.Doublechin?.Stupidhair.Ihateme.

It's dumb and juniorhighish. I know this.

Still.... no one wants me and that's sad. Everyone wants to be with my hot roommate. She's makes me horribly unattractive by comparison.

I believe I've stated before how I'm just the leaf on the plant to make the flower appear more beautiful.

Flowers fucking die.

I still hang out on the plant, though.

Rebound girl.

I'm accepting this.

"Well Chelsea doesn't want me, I guess I'll fuck that chubby girl dancing by herself."

Girls, you should only befriend horsey girls.

If my life were a movie, I would be the hilarious chubby best friend who hooks up with some ugly guy at the end while the main chick gets some stud.

It's ok. I don't like studly guys anyway.

I need to go pick up my hot roommate at work.

Despite all this, I'm thrilled that I have her in my life.



(I'm the ugly one.)

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We were the people.

Apr 13th, 2008 9:24:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gross

Last night Chelsea made out with him. He asked her to stay the night.

I threw up. But I made it ok. She didnt believe me. I was convincing though.

I ran home crying. She showed up, I was in bed. She crawled in with me and told me she didnt fuck him.

We talked about how much we love each other.

I'm so hung over.

Last night was terrible.

I kissed a girl.
She was a slut.
I removed Janece's top.
I'm a slut.

I just want someone so badly.

I wanted Bryce.

Now I couldn't have him even if he wanted me.

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Random Mutterings

Apr 5th, 2008 8:32:34 pm - Subscribe
Mood: different

"Why does my leg hurt right here? OH Yeth!becush I'm weeering pansh"
Chelsea/Some kid with a speech impediment

We need to get unlubricated for this next time.

Chelsea: My hand smells like I just jacked someone off who was wearing a condom.
Me: My hand kind of smells like we just blew up condoms and played with them.

Chelsea: I love weed.
Me: You want your UV?
Chelsea: You have my RV! Would you please return it to me, my Recreational Vehical? Because I was planning on taking a trip to South Dakota with my fam-i-ly within the next few weeks, will you please return my RV SOON? Signed Santa"
Me: Um, yeah, I love weed too, Chelsea.


Me: Is that even a question?
Chelsea: I guess in illiterate perv speak it is.

Chelsea: You know what would really help with cats? Liquid eye liner!
Me: Wouldnt that make more?
Chelsea: Yeah...wait...how would that make more cats?
Me: Wait, what were you talking about?
Chelsea: No, I want to hear your explanation first

"I wonder if you ate nothing but fruit by the foot, if you farts would start to smell like fruit by the foot.
-Chelsea

"I'm pretty sure the M&M company has a monopoly over all chocolate disk candies."
-Chelsea

"Ev, did you vag-slap him
-Sophia Ford

"God, you're such a wuss, it should be like a sense of pride when you wake up and say 'Why do my thighs hurt so sore?' only not like that because that's not a sentence."
-Chelsea Soetaert

"Loading the diswasher doesnt mean getting your wife drunk"
-Brandon Cook

"Grampa, let me see your boobs... wow."
-Calder Craig, while unbuttoning my blazer at the front desk

"Can't you just use a razor blade like normal people?"
-Mauntell

"Pink batteries...yeah you're all for the breasts."
-Frank Weber

"I wouldnt know how to look up porn if I wanted to."
-Mom

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
-Woody Allen

"you can't throw me out the window, you don't have a car"
-Mauntell Ford

Lucas: Oh, Rachel, I dont think you're a femmenazi, everyone else does.
Mom: No, everyone thinks you're a dyke.

"this is what I'm going to have the dancers wear in my hiphop video"
-Chelsea Soetaert

(after discussing periods and menstrual cups)
Ev: I like it when you sit down on the toilet and a glob of blood gushes out.
Chelsea: I know, it's like, one less ounce to worry about.
Ev: No kidding
Chelsea: That's kind of how it feels to squeeze cum out
Ev: I wouldn't know what that feels like.
Chelsea: Well I would imagine, that's how it feels to squeeze it out of your ass.
(pause)
Chelsea: You know, that's probably the best part about anal sex.
Ev: Squeezing the cum out?
Chelsea: No! When he cums, you doofus.

Chelsea: Weren't you going to name your kid Galactic Conquest?
Me: Starship Nebula.

Me: Snuffleuffugous? What is that anyway? A mammoth without tusks? Or a furry elephant? 'Hey we have some extra carpet, lets make an elephant'.
Chelsea: Well it was the 70's.

Me: I want to steal a gazing ball and throw it.
Chelsea: I want to steal some ground beef and throw it
Me: I dont think that would be as fullfilling as it sounds
Chelsea: Oh it would. We would throw it at people, moving cars with the windows rolled down.
Me: I just hope we dont throw it at us in the future, it would suck to get hit with meat that we threw in the past.
.

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Hay Fever

Apr 4th, 2008 1:20:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: Rejected

Sometimes I talk to you when I'm smoking.

I tell you things I never get a chance to when I'm at your appartment.

When I dance, I'm dancing for you. You never watch. I know this because I am watching you.

I try to be satisfied with what happened but I can't help wanting more.

Chelsea tries to help you. She tells me I don't stand a chance and that you find me odd.

I'm sorry I left a post card in your mailbox. I'm sorry if I frightened you. I thought you would find it creative and humorous. I realize now how silly I am.

I don't want a relationship, I wish you knew that.

Secretly, I wish that my not wanting a relationship is your only deterrant from persuing me and that you really want me as your girl.

I don't think I could ever love you.

I hate the feeling I have for you now. If I could make it stop, I would.

I want to replace you with someone who cannot hurt me.

I hate longing. I hate this wretched emotion.

"Yearn" is such a stupid word.

Pine is only foliage.

I hate hope.

You taunt me.

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Ducharme

Mar 28th, 2008 3:57:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: accepted

I went to a city GSA meeting yesterday with Jane. It was pretty neat. There were pretty lezburns.

I have to pretend to type because I dont want Chelsea to think I'm watching her being naked.

It's difficult.

I told Jeremy I cheated. I think he still wants me.

Chelsea has been really aggressive lately. Yesterday she slapped me, pushed me into a bush and tripped me. The day before she poured water on me in the elevator. I'm pretty sure I'm in first grade.

She says mean things too.

There's another skydeck party tonight. I'm making it a point to get some. I'm shooting for Bryce but I'll settle for significantly less. I have a great vintage outfit picked out and I'm pretty certain that I'll look ravishing.

I've been pregaming my whole life for this.

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Walk it Off

Mar 27th, 2008 2:28:48 am - Subscribe
Mood: spectacular

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People I'd like to fuck

Mar 27th, 2008 2:11:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: horny

1. Bryce True
2. Debbie Gould
3. Jeremy Hook
4. Clem Abercrombie...yeah, still. Have you seen him lately? Fox.
5. Christopher Spurlock
6. Jason Swart
7. Sharla Hutchinson


(Recent commentary and myspace has caused me to realize this needs to be updated. Sorry kids, this is not the original.)

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Stheven Called the Fuzz

Mar 18th, 2008 4:56:04 am - Subscribe
Mood: selfish

So my family thinks I'm an alcoholic crack addict because I like to leave my dorm room now and then. My mom couldnt get ahold of me and then when she did she misunderstood me and thought I was going to wilson today. When I didnt show up or answer my stupid landline she called Lucas and everyone freaked out.

Lucas filed a fucking missing persons report and my dad took off work. All because I didnt want to go to wilson over spring break. I made prior engagements with my friends and I wished to fulfill those.

I stayed the night at Jarrett's. I told my mom I stayed at a girl's house, which isn't too far from the truth. She got all pissed because I wasnt there and I hadnt talked to lucas yet. All my goddamn friends texted and emailed telling me my family is worried. I went to Lucas's to chew him out but he beat me to it.

He told me I'm an alcoholic and I'm turning into Eric. It's funny because I remember Eric getting kicked out of school at my age. I also remember him drinking all the fucking time and losing his license.

I'm doing so well in my classes. I never skip and I study for every exam. I finally have a social life and if it wasnt for Chelsea and I fighting, I'd be fucking great.

However, I feel like fucking killing myself because of all I put people through. No, it's not my goddamn fault everyone expects shit out of me. No, it's not that big of a deal that I leave my dorm. I just feel like all I ever do is worry people and make them sad.

I think I had a miscarriage this afternoon.

I kind of want to text Jeremy about it.

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Arm Warmer

Mar 15th, 2008 10:40:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Burdening

I went to a Pi Party at the skydeck. I now wish to throw up. I wanted Bryce so horribly. I ended up making out with girls, fucking guys and going home with some other guy. I regret it terribly. I would have killed for another chance with Bryce.

I cant find my cigarettes. When I blow my nose, it's black. Fucking cloves. I'm afraid to wash my hair because I dont have a straightener.

I'm pretty much going to throw up. Jeremy kept calling so I unplugged my phone. He emailed me about how much his life sucks right now but didn't bother blaming me. Just about work and his car troubles. I think I'm going to email him back saying "Isn't it obvious that I cheated?"

If he's not reading this now.

Dammit, I made out with about a million people last night. I'll never remember the faces. I just remember dancing by myself and being surrounded by people who wanted me and giving in to each one.

I hurt Jeremy, I'm hurting Jarrett. I'm killing everyone off with a power I've recently discovered. It's not my fault I don't know how to use it yet.

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Spring Breakup

Mar 13th, 2008 3:04:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: lousy

Chelsea and I fought. She told me she didn't understand me at all. I got all sad and made Jarrett leave. Right when she got home she threw her shit on the floor and before she could rip into me I offered her a cigarette. We went outside and smoked. I drank to take the edge off. She told me she wasnt mad. I still pouted.

She told me I need help. I agreed. Apparently my sleeping everyday for 5 hours after class makes her feel shitty. That in addition to fucking guys over in my sick little games.

I think she's upset because she knows I'm going to do something terrible to Jarrett. They're friends and all. It's not my fault he's too attached to me.

It's not my fault the world expects shit from me.

We laid on the sidewalk outside of McMindes, just staring at the stars. I felt so much better about everything. Today we went to the library. I only slept for 2 hours instead of 5. I woke up and told her about my dream and we headed out.

It was beautiful out. We looked at houses.

I'm so glad she doesn't pressure me to talk about him. Or them.

It's not that I'm the one who's messed up. The world just doesn't fit with me.

I show the world my scars so they know I'm hurting because I dont know how to talk about it. I'm too afraid of ridicule.

Chelsea burned a cigarette on my arm several times when we were schrameered.I like those scars the most.

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All the Wrong Places

Mar 12th, 2008 12:22:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: Pressurized

So I stopped talking to him. No formal breakup. Just stopped talking. Stopped responding. Found other things to make me feel bad.

I've been sucking at the whole college thing.

I feel so sick. Like, freshman year sick.

So Jeremy told me if I pierced my septum I wouldnt be pretty anymore. I don't understand how this is any different from getting my ear pierced or getting in a car wreck or house fire. He found monumental differences.

I also hate it that he thinks I'm just a pretty girl. For starters; I'm not pretty. I'm attractive to some people but I'm not skinny and tall with whispy hair and perfect features. And "pretty" certainly is not my identity. Pretty is not how I define myself.

Cheslea says I have so much more to offer. I love Chelsea more now.

I have stopped loving him.

He deserves a saint, and he shall find her. He needs to get the hell away from me.

I hurt everyone I touch.

I keep running.

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Hello Daylight My Old Friend

Mar 1st, 2008 1:09:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deprived

Last night was INSANE! I went to a lame party then I went to another party where there was this awesome music and beautiful people were dancing. I was drunk and high and I saw fucking BRYCE. Bryce is an old friend of Eric's. I saw him at an art show and a math relay and a play. All of which while I was under the age of 16. I fucking loved that kid, he's so cute, I wanted him so bad in jr high and shit.

Ok I'm still drunk, pardon the outburst.

So I reintroduced myself and we talked about how we knew each other and how fucking weird it is that I'm at his 24th birthday party. It was nuts. I totally wanted him all night but proceeded to dance with other guys and watch Bryce from a distance.

Everyone was leaving and the hippy kid who was hitting on me all night was getting all ready to roger me and I went to say goodbye to Bryce. He's all like "wow this is really awkward" then he mumbled something about how it would be even more awkward if we made out. I asked him if he wanted to make things really weird, he looked completely horrified and said "Why, yes, a little bit, I would."

I followed him to some bedroom where we engaged in all sorts of encounters. I was all over him and he asked if I was really drunk and if he would be taking advantage of me. I replied with; "Bryce, I've wanted this since I was 12"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He's like "NOOO, don't say that!"

Long story short, I lost my shirt and left around 6 this morning, topless with busted glasses. Chelsea wasnt in the room and I'm not ready to go to sleep just yet. I think I want to drunkenly facebook him, but I'm sure that's not a good idea.

How does this make me feel? Fucking weird as hell dude. I love it though.

Fucking Bryce, dude.

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This post is entirely too long.

Feb 22nd, 2008 4:51:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: manic

I've had shit in my throat for days. I had a burning fever on tuesday and skipped my classes. I started puking gummy bears for seemingly no reason. I guess my body was just confused. I went to student death and they gave me cough syrup. To SUPPRESS coughs. How the hell am I supposed to get the shit out of my throat if I cant cough? I was so out of it I just took the shit without thinking about it, doctors are never wrong.

So ever since I was like, 10, I've had this obsession with pervs. Chelsea reassured me that every girl goes through that stage where they talk to older men on the internet in order to seek some sort of affection.

I got on yahoo for the first time in ages, I still remembered my id...from when I was 10. So what do I do? I get on the member directory and start searching for pervies. Almost habitually. It's not as thrilling anymore. I guess I'm not shocked by people's fetishes or lust for children. It mostly just pisses me off after witnessing an illegal relationship taking place amongst two of my friends.

Please excuse me.

Ok, sorry, I had to throw up just now. Let's pretend for a moment that it was the fever. I dated a 30 year old. I ditched the coolest 20 year old in the world for a guy who could make me feel a little older. He texted me btw. He's all like, I'm drunk and in hays, we should make out.

Why does that make me ill now? Why not 10 years ago? Why not even one year ago?

I guess I thought I was mature. At the time it didnt occur to me that there was something wrong with them. I thought I was so mature that older guys just dug me.

I thought about running away with some of those assholes. I'm a middleclass girl from rural kansas with a decent family, what posessed me to believe I had it so bad that I needed to run away with big_bear_69? People are so messed up. And I'm not just talking about the guys.

Webpervs and the Girls Who Loved Them

Starring Evie, the chubby college student who is now repulsed by pretty much any man.

They should do a movie about a sting operation where some ladycop is portraying a young girl on the internet then she accidentally falls in love with one of the pervs and meets up with him and he freaks out when she tells him she's a cop but he's like "ok, where's dateline" and she's like "no, I really love you, I think you have a neat soul or something" and he's like, dude you need help and he shoots her.

Oh come on, she totally deserved it.

My period key doesnt work too well. Kind of like my other period. Vagina is all like "I'm pregnant" and the nurse was like, "probably but you're not doing the test right,"

I hate quotation marks because I never know how to punctuate them. People have explained this to me and brain is like, Psht. Too late. I'm too old to be corrected. And I'm like no brain, you need this information but it's made its decision. It just doesn't want to keep learning.

Oh yeah, I absofuckinlutely have to post this picture I found. I was going to tie it in all pretty but fuck it, this is funny enough to just be a "rAnDo" fuck I hate when people say that.



Bahahahahahaha

How do you take a guy like that seriously? Like the look on his face is priceless, like; This is me by my SUV on a bright sunny day. I wore my dress/casual corset today with my black stockings. I'm not wearing shoes because I'm a pretty laid back guy. Give me a call sometime, we can talk sports.

Or "Oh hi! I didn't see you there. This is my girl. Ain't she a beaut? lawlz. Don't mind me I just like to make love to my dear SUV when I'm posing for profile pictures. It's perfectly natural and consentual. I'm not in to vehical rape, that's just not how I roll. No siree, I just enjoy me some nice exhaust pipe lovemaking. How is it any different than when you go down on muff?

And like seriously, who was taking this picture? His truck?

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