Faux Marriage

Oct 13th, 2010 9:38:15 pm - Subscribe

Glad the two of you made your decision.

Since you didn't expect me to be a part of it, you can expect me to continue not being a part of it.

Good luck with your endeavors.

I'm not too upset about the $8400 anymore.

I need Shan and Xu and to be away from you.

---

Someone

Oct 5th, 2010 3:09:58 pm - Subscribe

I've never been worth writing about.
I enter the room.
Events occur.
I exit the room.
You go about your life.
Never missed.
No second thought.
Still waiting by the window long after I arrive.

---

Shivers

Oct 3rd, 2010 12:19:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: ill

I feel alone. It's making me sick to my stomach. My body wants sleep. Future self wants sleep. Present self wants to talk.

Go to sleep, little girl. No one wants to listen tonight. Not while you're like this. These feelings will be gone by morning, then you can have some company. Marvin, Bot and Dino are all you need right now. Xu will be in shortly to warm your feets.

This will only last as long as it takes to forgive yourself.

---

Dating

Sep 30th, 2010 6:09:45 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fake

So you go to school?
Yeah.
That's cool. What for?
English Lit.
I was never any good at English.

*I'm dying to tell you about the books and stories I've read this semester, I want to analyze them in great length, discussing how each relates to the world surrounding me. I want to trick you into believing that I'm educated rather than shallow even though I'm fully aware of how little I talk about anything aside from myself. I'll refrain from boring you with my education and we can go back to discussing your alcoholism and all the drugs you've tried.*

So what do you do for fun?
Hang out with friends, mostly.

*I go days at a time without talking to anyone. I text my ex-boyfriend on a regular basis so I can confirm that I actually exist. I wade through seas of students. Some I feel, based on appearance, that I would be compatible but I say nothing in order to avoid the awkwardness that we call "breaking the ice." Most of the people I encounter can't even find the energy to show the most basic forms of politeness.*

What are you looking for?
I'm not sure yet.

*I'm not looking for you.*

So what do you want to do now?
I'm kind of tired. I think I'm going to go home.

*At the moment I want to get drunk, pass out in your bed, feeling for a moment that I'm not so alone. Wake up before you do, go home and go back to sleep, reminded of why I'm better off alone.

I want to not be better off alone. I want to find someone, not you, that I can feel comfortable around. I want someone who values education but listens to me talk about every mundane aspect of my life. I want to make dinner for someone who thanks me and pretends it's the best thing he's ever eaten. I want someone who can't get enough cuddling.

I want to be somewhere else, with someone else.

I want anything but another date.*

---

Water Blindness

Sep 29th, 2010 1:30:50 pm - Subscribe

I hate it that you don't feel the way I do.
But I can live with that.
I like having you around.
I love the way you smell.
I love the way your toes curl up when I touch you.
I knew from the moment I saw you that you belonged with me.
You are mine.
You were mine.
I cry when we're together.
I know what is to come.
I think you know it too.
But you pretend to not notice.
You're smarter than I give you credit.
You know when I'm hurting but you play dumb.
I hate the thought of losing you.
I hate the thought of never seeing you.
We've been together so long.
There was nothing we couldn't conquer.
You were my comfort when no one else was around.
I can't stand it that we won't be together.
I doubt you'll even notice.
No one knows you like I do.
No one knows what is best for you.
I hardly see how this change is necessary.
They don't understand us.
This is not for the best.
There is little I can do about it.

Baby Xu, I will miss you.

---

Frosties and Fries

Sep 26th, 2010 9:46:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: feisty

I'm frustrated enough to drive to Russell and fuck The Dude.

Can't masty. Too much Shannon. I'm actually contemplating taking my vibe out to my car but I really don't feel like getting arrested for indecent exposure.

I've chewed off my nails. I think of non-sexy things. Shannon keeps parading around in her little shorts.

I'm grateful that this is my only dilemma of the evening.

Still... damn.

---

Ruby Begonia

Sep 25th, 2010 12:25:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: nasty

Memories are erased and altered with every cold remark. I tell myself I don't care but I'm never convinced. A secret I keep from myself. Every action is affected by the thought of him. Each day offers a new reason to forget.

Tonight Justin won me over with his drunken Scottish accent. Mutton chops were my gateway drug. At first he was lame but the scotch and gin took over, creating a comforting familiarity in his eyes that drew me in.

I sunk my venomous teeth into another unsuspecting victim. Paralyzed another with my lips, he'll never forget me. I'll remember him, suddenly, perhaps during a martini years from now. Unfortunate mutual friend pestering me in the meantime as I shut it all out, refurbishing the old excuses.

My lungs will recover, weeks from now. Until then, a daily reminder of what I had done.

I remember hurting others to balance the pain. Every man raped and abandoned me and I couldn't be convinced otherwise. They deserved it because of what happened to me. They deserved it because they were men.

It hurts to admit my reasoning. It hurts to write it down. I am open to a public stoning. I allowed myself to get hurt again and it's back to square one. The serial seductress. The harlot with a vengeance.

The mirror across the room is lying to me. Behind a white laptop, sits a sad looking girl. Lips parted from nasal congestion, librarian glasses and pigtails, surrounded by stuffed animals. She looks completely harmless. The girl I see would never do this to anyone. They never see it coming. Her freckles lie. Her pigtails lie. Her glasses do not make her smart. I want to cover her in red lipstick and a skintight dress. I want to tease her hair until it's a foot tall. She needs cheap tattoos and wavy lines to indicate the smell of alcohol. Her eyebrows need to be shaved off and drawn into a permanent scowl.

Maybe then no one will oblige. Or at least they would know what to expect.

By the time I think I know who I am, another person enters or exits my life, causing an unexpected shift that I cannot explain.

---

Missing Bliss

Sep 24th, 2010 11:11:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: Ill

Dating anyone is better than dating Chris.
Rachel dated Chris.
.·. Rachel will date anyone.

Invalid.

Why am I the only one who seems to recognize this?

Even if we were to sit down and work on the argument to make it valid... fuck it, he has "The Dude" tattooed to his back.

I feel so insulted.

---

LalalalaLove

Sep 23rd, 2010 11:56:32 pm - Subscribe

Annoyed with the intentions of the people in my life. I suppose it's time to give up. Stop wasting time, money, energy, thoughts. I figured I would be more upset but I was slightly less than disappointed. Sleep followed a bit too easily, awakened only by a developing cold.

I'm slowly beginning to realize just how picky I am. I always thought I had low self-esteem and every meaningless encounter was evidence that I hated myself. Now I realize that the destructive behavior was nothing more than a failed attempt to stop hurting. I used to feel as though no one could ever love me. Now I realize plenty of people love me. They simply do not meet my standards.

When I was in a relationship, my eyes wandered. I saw people that I could sleep with or even see exclusively but I didn't act upon these desires, believing that the benefits would not outweigh the detriments. I felt happy with the way things were and had no intention of starting over or destroying what I thought I had.

Now I see those same people. I always figured I would approach them if I had nothing to lose. Not quite. At a point of desperation I offered to sleep with a number of people. I was turned down for various reasons. Several agreed to sex but wanted me to see them exclusively. A few people asked me out shortly after they found out I was dumped. A couple of my friends have attempted to set me up with just about every person they know.

So far I've been on three dates and I've slept with three people. The dates were all epic fail and the sexual encounters were safe since none of them expected anything more than sex.

No one who has asked me out has fit my standards. A few years ago I might have jumped at any opportunity but strangely, Chris has set the bar pretty high.

I was damaged fruit before but Chris crammed me into a juicer that spilled all over the kitchen floor.

I used to see certain people as attractive, passionate potential lovers. Now I see those same people as someone I'll be ashamed to introduce to my parents, I see no future, perpetual debt, uninteresting and dumbed-down conversations, wasted hours and energy, exhausting explanations, disagreements without actual arguments, disappointment, unmet expectations, another breakup, another broken heart.

I give up on love again. It doesn't seem statistically possible for two people to feel the same way about each other. At least not in my experience. I've had intense feelings for people who didn't think twice about me. I've broken many hearts. I was loved by someone I cared little about but his feelings changed when I confessed my love. I want to fuck people who want a relationship and I want a relationship with people who want to fuck. Feelings change so quickly these days. From love to hate and back to love again, it seems impossible for anyone to catch up with another.

I'm going on my stupid blind date tomorrow but I've already given up all hope of finding any form of companionship. The Peace Corps is my new love interest. I want to make a goddamn difference in this world of misplaced feelings so everyone can tell me what a great fucking person I am. It seems evil to me to concentrate showing affection to only one person when so many people around the world are deprived of the most basic human compassion.

Ctrl + z in
5
4
3
2
I really wish someone would make me soup and tuck me in to bed. I hate being alone when I'm sick.

---

Apologize Later

Sep 19th, 2010 3:56:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: itchy

It was completely set up.
Whether or not he allowed it to to surface into consciousness is another story.

I expected the lights to be on, movie ready to go. The apartment was dark. I had to double check my phone to make sure I hadn't completely imagined the conversation.

I hadn't.

I entered his house, hoping not to wake anyone with the door bell. I figured he was in the middle of some intense game or surfing the internet to kill time. Instead he was in bed, waiting for me. If I'm not mistaken, he was expecting me to just hop in with him.

The tv in the living room was conveniently not working so I agreed to watch the movie in the bedroom. He selected something we had both seen a million times, so it didn't exactly require full attention.

I pinned myself against the wall while he casually sat in the middle of the bed. He touched my leg and I tried to ignore it. He touched my hand and I touched back. I told myself over and over that it didn't mean anything. Old habits are hard to break. He doesn't mean anything by all this. I wanted to ask why he insisted on torturing with his feigned innocence but I decided I would take any affection I could get.

He pulled me closer to him where I couldn't resist diving in for a kiss.

I understand at this point. I've been there a million times. One thing leads to another and the guy suddenly decides that he's horny and just needs to put it somewhere. Only he didn't put it somewhere. He took the time to go down on me for a while. I finally had the strength to ask what the hell was going on.

It was a mistake.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
I didn't expect this to happen.
I'm so sorry.
We need to take preventative measures to make sure this never happens again.
No, I don't ever want to do this again.
I don't think you could handle that.
I don't want to hurt you.
I won't lead you on.

So noble.
The honesty was refreshing while it lasted.

---

Gift of the Mallow

Sep 16th, 2010 11:16:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: liberated

Status quo has been restored.
Perhaps not in the way I had anticipated.
I feel older.
Acknowledging and appreciating what I've obtained in this mess.

Best birthday ever.

---

Volcano Hair

Sep 14th, 2010 11:51:29 am - Subscribe
Mood: fatigued

Still haven't been to the store. Every time I discover a lacking in something I automatically put it off, assuming my imaginary significant other will go with me when he's around.

Another reason to not eat, I suppose.

Ashlinn stopped by for a couple hours. She always looks older with short hair.

Found out my doodle buddy is intensely attractive and married.

Read for a couple hours. Fantasized about my professor. Drove around.

Woke up sicker than ever.

I dreamed that my zoobies were falling out, one by one. I kept trying to shove them back into my krovvy rot but a malenky movement made them fall again. Dad didn't seem the slightest bit concerned that I couldn't read the phone book.

I heard once that when people have dreams about teeth falling out, they're subconsciously worried about public speaking or not having a voice. This is incorrect because I am consciously aware that propositioning my philosophy professor proves to be completely terrifying.

Xu is at my feet. The most comforting affection I've had in days.

---

Another Wasted Night

Sep 12th, 2010 10:20:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal

I spent a perfectly good evening trying to get laid. No takers. At least for tonight. One girl took a rain check for a drunken makeout session. Made plans for a three-way sometime this week. Chelsea agreed to let me shove something in her, but never specified what. Jeremy canceled his plan to see me but made it clear that he wants to see me and is no longer just doing me a favor.

I went through all my contacts today, texting anyone who might want to hook up tonight. Each one told me they either wanted to get to know me first, wanted some sort of commitment, or they started seeing someone.

When did everyone relapse into such old-fashioned thinking?

Nevermind all this. I'm off to smoke a bowl and have a quickie!

---

Eat, Santa

Sep 12th, 2010 3:14:19 pm - Subscribe

I wish he would have played his stringy paddle for me once or twice.

It seems I'll spend time with anyone now.

---

I need to run home.

Sep 11th, 2010 1:08:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: okay

It's upsetting that I smoke enough now that I can't tell if I'm high or not.
At least I forgot the pain that longs for my stomach.
My red eyes. The calm. My heavy, numb fingers whisper their secret to me.

"This isn't normal.
This isn't you coping."

Aust?
Hmm?
Sing Soft Kitty.
I don't know the words.
Goodnight.

No missed calls.
No messages.
Xu couldn't be less thrilled that I'm even alive.

Sympathy card from my parents.
Is this really my life?
Again?

---

Day of Disappointments

Sep 10th, 2010 2:10:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood: peachy

I hurried to Ideal Societies to see how my secret friend responded to my proposal. Either he forgot that it was there or he didn't attend class because my drawing remained untouched.

Last night I called Jeremy again. He responded to everything I said with "fun times" and nothing more. I realize it's awkward but I wish he would just say it's awkward or that he doesn't want to talk to me rather than deflect everything I say to him. He asked me about Shannon and I told him that ever since I moved upstairs we stopped being friends. I thought the statement was full of potential questions or comments but he simply replied with "fun times." I was completely silent for several minutes. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Either I was too boring for him or he was just really uncomfortable. I tried to think of a way to change the subject to something that might interest him but he didn't give me much to work with. Finally he broke the silence and said "Well what happened with her?"

I just told him I didn't know. I asked him what he wanted to do on Monday, if he was still planning on seeing me. Every suggestion was sarcastic or ridiculous. All I wanted was a moment of seriousness that never came. At some point he mentioned something about how he was working on becoming a better person. I asked him what he meant and he told me he didn't know. I asked him what he didn't like about himself but he didn't know. I repeated what he said and asked him to give examples of what he meant but he didn't know.

I hung up, completely unsatisfied, remembering why our relationship ended. Fighting sucks but never taking anything seriously is just as emotionally draining.

Dan wasn't at the union. I could have used the company of someone as miserable as me.

I don't want to go back to class. I suppose I can't be disappointed any more today since I have absolutely no expectation of anything remotely happy or interesting happening.

---

Tell-Tale Bag

Sep 8th, 2010 4:01:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: powerless

There's no one else to ramble to, so here you go, internet.

Yesterday was nice. I spent part of the morning with Keli. Most of the afternoon with Keli. And a good portion of the night with Keli. My bag still reeks of smoke and vomit. I'm showered and covered in clean clothes but the smell of my purse taunts my hangover.

Keli helped me forget that I'm depressed. I woke this morning after a dream about Chris and could barely move from the sadness but after a few hours I got over it.

It was girls' night, mostly. I'll never remember what was on TV, how many joints were rolled, or how many immature jokes were made about anal sex and humping pillows.

This redneck showed up at some point, I was too drunk or high to understand what his problem was but I think it's safe to assume stupidity for now. He was drinking and hitting on me. I tore down his ego so fast. Everything he said sounded stupid to me and I ripped into him each time. I usually try to maintain a sense of politeness but I just didn't care.

People came and left, I asked Aust to sleep with me and he gladly accepted the offer but never actually got around to it. He came back from work late, drank a pint of vodka and passed out in the spare room. After a while I decided to snuggle up on him but his snoring was a huge turn off. I elbowed him, shook the bed, did everything I could to wake him up and acknowledge that I was there.

Had it not been for the freight train noises escaping his nose, I would have assumed he was dead. I slept through about an hour of his snoring when I decided I'd rather be alone than put up with that nonsense. I knew that Puzzle would be more than happy to ignore me in my own bed. At least he's quiet.

I almost decided against class this morning but I knew I needed to go.

On Monday I was sitting in my second class and I saw a drawing of a boy and a dinosaur. It was on the vent next to my desk. I drew a picture of myself standing next to the boy but I drew the figure so big that I wrote "I'm a giant" in a bubble out of her mouth. This morning I looked over and saw that the boy was running away from the girl and off to the side it read something about how the dinosaur was distracted by the girl and the boy made a run for it. I erased everything and drew myself in the dinosaur's mouth. I wrote "The girl shrunk to a normal size and the dino took her to feed her babies" Then down below I wrote "Be my friend."

I have no idea what is going to come of our story but it excited me to know that I have a secret friend. It made it worth getting up today.

During one of my breaks I talked to the most annoying woman ever. Her advice was terrible but it actually helped my situation, knowing that the opposite of whatever she tells me is what I should do. An old friend sat down with us and revealed some insecurities I never knew he had. If he had opened up sooner I might not have hated him for the past three years. I told him we need to hang out. He agreed.

Ashy called. Didn't answer. I hope she takes the hint soon.

That was my day. I'm going to Keli's again because I was invited. Hopefully she doesn't pressure me to get completely fucked up again.

---

Keep You in Mind as Something Larger Than Life

Sep 7th, 2010 11:06:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: overloaded

I spent the last couple years trying to adapt to what I thought he wanted. I gave up some interests and acquired some of his. I let him know how much I was willing to sacrifice for him and expect that much in return.

It sucks.

My vocabulary isn't strong enough to express it any other way.

I called Jeremy for advice. He said he'd come see me after he got his car up and running. I asked him to stay the night so that I might get a few more than three hours of sleep and he immediately obliged. After catching up and discussing what I'd been through, he seemed hesitant about coming to see me but feigned willingness. For the first time I demanded that he tell me what he was feeling. I'm so tired of being lied to and having people pussyfoot around me like I'm just going to shatter if they tell me the truth.

He said he didn't think it was a good idea to try and hook up right away, especially with an ex. He said I need to find who I am independent of everyone else. Then he told me that he was excited to catch up with me but part of him wanted to tell me to fuck off.

He's still coming to see me. I don't want to be with him and I made sure he knows that. I told him about how I called my mom because I was so lonely. Everything is really scary now that I have no one. I'm afraid to re-discover who I was before I met Chris because without the alcohol and desire for strangers, I'm not so sure anything is left. Chris made me vulnerable to everything and I latched onto him for dear life. I did everything he thought I should do and said everything I thought he wanted to hear. I opened up to him about all the things that frightened me and doubt I'll ever have the strength to do it again. I'm afraid to explain my insecurities, my history and my needs ever again. I don't want to be rejected by anyone who knows my weaknesses ever again.

So far without him I've discovered that I'm shallow, uninteresting, uneducated, and unable to handle minor things like going to the doctor or falling asleep.

I've spent the past few days buried in a boring book, waiting for a chance to talk to him. I know how he feels but I'm unclear as to how I feel.

I'm sure I want to be friends. I want to go over to his house and watch our shows. Text him things that might make him laugh. Stay up late talking about nothing.

It's almost kind of exciting to think of it that way. It was comforting to go to bed with him every night and cuddle up on him, fall asleep to whatever he was watching. Wishing for sex but knowing it was probably out of the question. I had accepted all of our faults. I accepted not knowing if I was going to go home angry or if we were going to just have a quiet evening. I accepted the dullness that was us.

I know a new beginning with us won't happen for a while. I try not to mistake his firmness for insensitivity, though it's possible that it is. I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say to me, if anything at all. Part of me hopes he still reads this nonsense, even though I'm sure he has enough self-control to not worry about my bland thoughts anymore. I just wish he could see that I'm putting forth effort to start over, not from the beginning of our relationship but from the day we met, with no expectations and a slight platonic interest in each other. It will be a while but I'm hopeful.

I hate it that I lost my best friend over a relationship we both knew could never work under the circumstances.

Hurry up and wait.

---

Third Person

Sep 6th, 2010 5:26:50 am - Subscribe

Currently Listening To: White Stripes- I just don't know what to do with myself.

So the past couple nights have been hell. The days weren’t much better but I have the most trouble at night. I fall asleep alright enough. The sadness usually wears me out and puts me to sleep. But every hour or so I wake up from a bad dream and I reach out for him. He’s not there so I roll over and continue reaching. It takes me a while to remember where I am. I sit up, turn on the light and try to deal with the dream. I try to figure out why my stomach is burning and why I’m in my own bed. When I remember, I have to go through all sorts of mental gymnastics to get back to sleep.

First I fight the urge to text him. I focus on his past text messages and think about how annoyed he was just to be woken up by me. When I convince myself that texting is a bad idea, I toss around in bed for a while fighting the urge to drive over and crawl into bed with him, hoping he would be so relieved to hold someone that for one night he could forget that he broke up with me and neither of us have to mention it in the morning.

This is where I have to anthropomorphize his feelings into another girl sleeping on my side of the bed. I picture myself, doing exactly what I want, crawl into bed, pull the familiar covers over me and latch on to him as tightly as possible. Then I interrupt this fantasy with him turning on the light and some sleepy girl asking Chris what’s going on. The three of us sit there, I mumble something stupid and the girl hugs me and tells me it’s going to be okay. Chris puts on his robe and silently walks me to my car and it’s almost like we never even dated. Like, I’m just some crazy child that broke into his house and he sends me back to bed with a glass of water.
It still takes me forever to get back to sleep. Especially with my empty stomach protesting my fear of throwing up.

I haven’t eaten since he dumped me. I can't tell if I'm just lightheaded and weak from that or if I'm still just hurting from things not being the same as they were for the past couple of years.

Either way, I want to skip this part. I want to skip the part where I'm alone and skip the part where I fall in love again, go straight to sleeping in someone's bed, feeling comfortable with them and being able to say "I love you" and mean it without causing a big damn scene.

I miss comfort. I miss my first true love.

---

Another Breakup Blog

Sep 4th, 2010 10:45:35 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal

I feel rejected. But I understand completely.

I've been there. One person feels more strongly than the other.

Why did his lie have to last so long?

I didn't mean to make him miserable.

I wish I could drive back to his house, apologize and tell him I love him. Heat up a frozen pizza. I was wrong.

Old times.

I wish being good for someone was enough to make them love you.

I wish I could control my temper.

The whole time I was with him I wanted something more. I wanted proof that he had changed and that he loved me. He could never show affection in the way I desired. Little did I know it simply did not exist. He could convince me that he felt the same way but he didn't treat me the way I treated him.

I wanted to make him smile. I wanted him to look at me the way I looked at him. I wanted his desires for me to run as deep as mine did for him. I wanted to be touched more than once a month.

Sex always seemed like a chore to him.

I was more committed to him than he ever was to me. I'm a fool for never seeing it. I wanted a ring so badly that I bought one for myself. I didn't even want people hitting on me. I wanted the world to know that I belonged to him. I made him dinner night after night, waiting patiently for acknowledgement that never came. I told him of my day, only to be shushed by one of his many electronic children. Countless nights, I cried myself to sleep, wondering why he no longer wanted sex. I took care of him when he was sick.

Now I'm sick.

Now I'm completely alone.

I abandoned friends late at night for fear of falling asleep without him. I defended him to loved ones telling me he's not right for me. I've destroyed perfectly good friendships because they refused to accept him.

Why does my life feel incomplete without him?

Why did I try so hard to make him happy?

Why am I wasting perfectly good writing space on him?

...

It's been fun. I just wish I felt the same way he did so we could at least be friends. The fun wouldn't have to end.

Fucker convinced me to feel. He forgot to mention how much it's going to suck when his feelings changed.

---

Ramona

Aug 25th, 2010 1:10:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ashamed

I forgot how easy it is for me to fall head over heels for strangers. I've been a little distracted over the past year, attempting to handcuff myself to my struggling boyfriend.

I grew nervous when I smelled Autumn's approach. Instantly reminded of the painful betrayals that took place this time last year. I know how I handle changing seasons, considering I spent most of my life depressed about some damn thing or another.

This morning I wore a sweater for the first time in months. I set the air conditioner to low in my car. The cold air without the burning steering wheel, first thing in the morning reminded me of driving past several houses, keeping a close vigil on my straying boyfriend. Wondering if and when he was going to give up on us.

Waiting for the anger and sadness to build up in my chest, I felt a strange feeling, relief.

Completely calm and content, I drove back to Chris's house, not to make sure he was still there, but to retrieve a forgotten pair of shoes.

I hugged my sleeping boyfriend and continued to school. On my way I smiled, thinking how nice it is not worrying about him sneaking around. Realizing my ability to focus on schoolwork without the constant need to discuss sensitive subjects or the fear of him leaving me.

My wandering eye is a horrid side effect of my contentment.

Discussion of Socrates causes lustful thoughts. Completely normal. I fall for a professor every semester. Nothing comes of it, even if I muster enough courage to pursue such desires.

I always spend the first few days scouting out potential friends and lovers. Whether I'm dating someone or not. I know I can't keep friends and I know that I have a boyfriend. I still can't help myself. I search the room and my crosshead usually lands on several unsuspecting victims of my unjustified affection.

Why did I have to watch that stupid movie? It has only made it more difficult for me to not act on my desires.

She's probably a freshman. Tall and beautiful with bright red-violet hair and dark undertones. My heart races when I run into her. I want to say something, compliment her hair or shoes, instead I get nervous and lower my eyes, hoping she'll make the first move.

I'm pathetic.

I run it through my head. The initial gooey feelings of falling in love and finding out they feel the same way. Breaking up with Chris. Introducing her to the family. Moving in with her. Adopting little Asian babies.

I do this every semester.

Call me when reality needs me. This shouldn't take long.

---

Go Home Already

Aug 20th, 2010 11:41:21 am - Subscribe

The thermostat does not need to be set at 73. If you close the blinds and take fewer than forty smoke breaks between the two of you throughout the day, 77 would be a reasonable temperature. Also, you can leave your pets in Kansas City. I'm sure you could pay some kid to take care of them. Letting the dog out and leaving the door open lets the cold air out at a rapid pace. Also, I'm sure you are capable of turning lights and electronics off when they are not in use. Those things produce excess heat. Not that it matters, it's still fucking cold in here.

You do not need to help me clean my room. I'm sorry there are clothes and craft supplies on my bedroom floor. If I'm not mistaken, I write you a check each month to use the room as I please. Nothing is being destroyed, I do not leave food out. The kitchen, bathroom and living room are all clean and tidy, except after you come home.

You do not need to help me move my table upstairs. I apologize that you do not have sufficient furniture when you visit but this is what works for me.

You do not need to do my dishes. All of the things you washed are dishwasher safe. It could have been put off until I had a full load. Since I rinse my dishes after use, they are not caked in food and do not smell. I take it as an insult each time you clean something that doesn't need to be cleaned or offer to help me with the housework.

You do not live here. You stay here when you have things to do in town. I keep the house the way you left it, maybe a little cleaner. Don't criticize the way I do things. It's not hurting you or the house.

FYI your shower with Jonny has lasted over 30 minutes. I don't think you're really saving that much water by showering together.

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Sorry Hays

Aug 7th, 2010 5:10:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: secure

I moved here three years ago. I remember sleeping in this very room, several weeks before school started. I drove to Hays to visit Laura in the hospital, to buy my books, to drop off some stuff in my new dorm room, to find a laptop, to escape the endless fighting. I painted pictures to pass the time while I was alone at my brother's house. Squirrel Explosion and Shannon's tree, both left on their (now my) refrigerator. I never thought I'd move in to this house.

One of my friends from high school came to Hays as well. We get together every few months. I made friends in the dorm but they have all moved. There are two people in this town who still attempt to spent time with me. I avoid them both. It seems that everyone that I want to see is located in eastern Kansas or Colorado. I haven't seen my favorite brother in over a year. Fucking Megan gets to see my nephew more often than I do. I'm missing out on the most exciting portion of his development. I don't feel like an aunt at all. I feel like a loser who can't figure out what to do anymore.

This town has little to offer anymore. I'm hundreds of miles away from everything. I laughed when a stranger asked about the nearest Starbucks. This town is a hint of civilization surrounded by ghost towns and untouched land. It kills me that I once defended this town. My friends would complain that there is nothing to do and that it was full of conservative rednecks and religious nuts. I took offense since I am clearly neither and I could always find something to do.

Now I sigh and accept the truth to their statements. I can no longer find happiness in this small town. I no longer find beauty in the emptiness. The run-down buildings were once inspiration for a creative piece. Now they are as worthless to me as they were to those who abandoned them. Everything has become a monument of failure. A symbol of missed opportunities and unfortunate circumstance. There is so little keeping me here. It's likely that I won't find happiness elsewhere but at least I can stop resenting this poor town.

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Stuff to bitch to shannon about

Jul 24th, 2010 11:56:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: girly

Chris telling megan parents are in town.
Going shopping with "dad's" card.
Telling people I'm slow.

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Marvin

Jul 21st, 2010 7:50:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: obsessed

What was I looking for when I asked him out? I wanted him to feel the same way he always felt, only I could return the favor.

No one will ever look at me the way Jeremy did. No one can see past my imperfections and make me feel like the most beautiful person ever. No one will convince me that I deserve more than what I have. No one will miss me when I'm gone.

I was drunk and in pain when I asked him out. I was hurting throughout most of our relationship. I feared he would leave me and it was out of my control. I spent too much time doubting his love for me.

It wasn't his fault. It wasn't my fault. There was a problem that we just couldn't figure out.

I wish I could just call someone. Crawl into bed with someone else for one night. Dozens of people wait, stagnant on my list of contacts. I went through the list every time we fought, counting everyone who would kill to be with me.

Those people are irrelevant now.

All I can do now is retrace the footsteps in my mind, trying to figure out where things went wrong or what could have been done.

It's completely fruitless but I have all night.

I don't know what else to do.

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Hmph

Jul 15th, 2010 8:12:09 pm - Subscribe

I just wrote a lengthy post, complaining about all the people in my life right now. Being sick. Fighting with my boyfriend.

I'm sure it's a good thing it didn't post when I told it to and I lost everything on the page.

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Puzzle Being Puzzled

Jun 1st, 2010 6:27:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: puzzled

Yes, he's a big kitty now. I don't have enough pictures of him on here.


Moving Day


Packing himself


Watching himself sleep


Being cute


<3

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Landlord and the Rest of My Friends

May 22nd, 2010 9:43:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Exhausted
Currently Listening To: Hoarders online

I am at everyone else's mercy for entertainment. And you wonder why I get so upset when you're not around. I have a sheetless twin sized bed now. Twenty square feet where I can relax and enjoy shoelessness. The remaining walking space is reserved for thirty-two boxes of belongings I once had. Puzzle licks glue and bits of carpet padding off of his paws. My eggs, my wall of shoes and Mr. Ska are the only things my eyes can work with. I am paying for cable but I let you take my television so I could pull up the rest of my carpet for you. I let you throw away my couch because it fit your needs at the time. Puzzle's cries echo more with tile floors. He has no carpet to topple over on.

Please hurry carpet slaves.

I am paying to live in these depressing walls. I am not the one receiving the new carpet. I am not benefiting from pulling up the moldy old carpet. The carpet that drove my guests' noses crazy. No, I am simply moving upstairs. I am paying to live here. She is not paying me to do her work.

I guess this is what we call friendship. Listening to you both bitch about each other. Reminded of all the reasons I can't stand either of you right now. Sacrificing my needs to get all of your work done so you'll stop complaining about how lazy the other person is.

I miss all of you.

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Found Object

May 13th, 2010 1:15:52 am - Subscribe

For the rest of this week we can share a small bed
For the next three months you play repeat in my head.
Today I can cry when I hear you’ve moved on
Tomorrow I’ll work and the summer is gone

I glued glass to the wall.
I tried not to fall.

The draining routine has iced all around
Memories and missing pain you have found.
Please don’t come back.
Begin to unpack.
Choke on your lie.
Fuck your goodbye.

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Au Clair De La Lune

Apr 25th, 2010 10:37:29 pm - Subscribe

One year ago I gave up everything I thought to be right. I let go of the idea that men were my toys. I no longer felt it acceptable to treat them the way I had been treated. I forced myself into a vulnerable state for which I will never forgive myself. I allowed myself to feel loved, even though I clearly was not.

This is why I love having a blog.
This is why I hate having a blog.

I permit myself the opportunity to hurt all over again. Rereading posts where I was completely oblivious to what was going on is probably enough to make me go completely insane.

Do I dare continue reading?
If only, if only
one last cigarette.
Emporia perhaps?

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