Ramona

Aug 25th, 2010 2:10:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ashamed

I forgot how easy it is for me to fall head over heels for strangers. I've been a little distracted over the past year, attempting to handcuff myself to my struggling boyfriend.

I grew nervous when I smelled Autumn's approach. Instantly reminded of the painful betrayals that took place this time last year. I know how I handle changing seasons, considering I spent most of my life depressed about some damn thing or another.

This morning I wore a sweater for the first time in months. I set the air conditioner to low in my car. The cold air without the burning steering wheel, first thing in the morning reminded me of driving past several houses, keeping a close vigil on my straying boyfriend. Wondering if and when he was going to give up on us.

Waiting for the anger and sadness to build up in my chest, I felt a strange feeling, relief.

Completely calm and content, I drove back to Chris's house, not to make sure he was still there, but to retrieve a forgotten pair of shoes.

I hugged my sleeping boyfriend and continued to school. On my way I smiled, thinking how nice it is not worrying about him sneaking around. Realizing my ability to focus on schoolwork without the constant need to discuss sensitive subjects or the fear of him leaving me.

My wandering eye is a horrid side effect of my contentment.

Discussion of Socrates causes lustful thoughts. Completely normal. I fall for a professor every semester. Nothing comes of it, even if I muster enough courage to pursue such desires.

I always spend the first few days scouting out potential friends and lovers. Whether I'm dating someone or not. I know I can't keep friends and I know that I have a boyfriend. I still can't help myself. I search the room and my crosshead usually lands on several unsuspecting victims of my unjustified affection.

Why did I have to watch that stupid movie? It has only made it more difficult for me to not act on my desires.

She's probably a freshman. Tall and beautiful with bright red-violet hair and dark undertones. My heart races when I run into her. I want to say something, compliment her hair or shoes, instead I get nervous and lower my eyes, hoping she'll make the first move.

I'm pathetic.

I run it through my head. The initial gooey feelings of falling in love and finding out they feel the same way. Breaking up with Chris. Introducing her to the family. Moving in with her. Adopting little Asian babies.

I do this every semester.

Call me when reality needs me. This shouldn't take long.

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