Reality Czech

May 23rd, 2008 9:07:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy
Currently Listening To: Get Up Kids

I can't start working until next week. I have to get a second job. I'm going to be super late on the rent. I'm pretty much fucked as far as money goes.

I miss my friends. I miss having Chelsea and Josh around all the time. I miss the dorm. I miss being held and touched and violated. I hate waking up alone. I've done it for 18 years. I should be used to it but after 8 months of having someone my bed or at least in the room has spoiled the hell out of me. This past year has left a drastic illusion of loneliness in the present. Lucas and Shannon are usually around but they're basically my parents. Spooning doesn't work with them.

My piercing is leaving a funky smell in my nose. It's going to be there until I die.

Sink is backed up. Tub doesn't drain very well. I can't even afford this place.

Jeremy thinks we're still together. I don't want him anymore but I depend on him. I wish I could still like him. He's such a great person. Why can't I love him? He needs a special girl to make him feel as special as he is. As special as he thinks I am. I can't even describe the way he looks at me. I don't understand it. If someone ever did what I did, I would never love them.

I'm such an ugly person. Inside and out.

So confused and frightened.

Growing up is absolutely horrifying.

I hope things work out. They usually do. I feel like I'm just avoiding certain situations.

I like Josh a lot. I'm convinced he's gay. Most of the former semi-closet bisexuals I know are. I know too many non-straight kids to not see this coming.

Last night he told me he was unsure of my orientation. I pretty much said nothing since I'm unsure about it as well. I kind of want him to think I'm a lesbian so he doesn't have to feel bad about not dating me. Deep down, I wish he liked me.

I wish I could let him.

I wish I was pretty so I wouldn't have to worry about people not liking me.

This is absurd. People like me. They just don't want to fuck me.

Who could blame them?

This works out perfectly as I seem to be unable to fuck anyone I actually like.

Sex is so scary.

---