Ruby Begonia

Sep 25th, 2010 1:25:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: nasty

Memories are erased and altered with every cold remark. I tell myself I don't care but I'm never convinced. A secret I keep from myself. Every action is affected by the thought of him. Each day offers a new reason to forget.

Tonight Justin won me over with his drunken Scottish accent. Mutton chops were my gateway drug. At first he was lame but the scotch and gin took over, creating a comforting familiarity in his eyes that drew me in.

I sunk my venomous teeth into another unsuspecting victim. Paralyzed another with my lips, he'll never forget me. I'll remember him, suddenly, perhaps during a martini years from now. Unfortunate mutual friend pestering me in the meantime as I shut it all out, refurbishing the old excuses.

My lungs will recover, weeks from now. Until then, a daily reminder of what I had done.

I remember hurting others to balance the pain. Every man raped and abandoned me and I couldn't be convinced otherwise. They deserved it because of what happened to me. They deserved it because they were men.

It hurts to admit my reasoning. It hurts to write it down. I am open to a public stoning. I allowed myself to get hurt again and it's back to square one. The serial seductress. The harlot with a vengeance.

The mirror across the room is lying to me. Behind a white laptop, sits a sad looking girl. Lips parted from nasal congestion, librarian glasses and pigtails, surrounded by stuffed animals. She looks completely harmless. The girl I see would never do this to anyone. They never see it coming. Her freckles lie. Her pigtails lie. Her glasses do not make her smart. I want to cover her in red lipstick and a skintight dress. I want to tease her hair until it's a foot tall. She needs cheap tattoos and wavy lines to indicate the smell of alcohol. Her eyebrows need to be shaved off and drawn into a permanent scowl.

Maybe then no one will oblige. Or at least they would know what to expect.

By the time I think I know who I am, another person enters or exits my life, causing an unexpected shift that I cannot explain.

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