Status Update

Jul 28th, 2009 1:33:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Confused

Sometimes when I talk about the people I've slept with, things I've done, random past happenings, etc. I have to wonder if I'm lying. I was sitting outside smoking, thinking about this guy I slept with quite regularly about a year ago and the way he would pin his hair back when he was a girl. I often make references to how I "dated that tranny" and tell tales of all the little adventures I had with him. Anymore they all just seem like stories.

We had arrangements to meet at the bar. I wore a rainbow dress from the 70s just to throw him off. I was too afraid to explain to the cops or my parents that I backed into a truck so I walked to the bar and created a story in the morning that I stick with to this day. I actually believe that story sometimes. I believe that I got up that afternoon to go to a job interview and discovered my bumper in that condition for the first time. I believed it when I explained it to the cops, my dad, and all my friends. Jarett is the only one who knows the truth. Until now, of course.

So I get confused at times. It's easier to just keep lying than to try and remember who actually knows the truth.

"Some ass backed into me!"

Could it be that I created other stories too? Like Jarett for instance; the stories I tell about him have amused so many people, I imagine it would be easy for me to get carried away. Is it possible that I dreamed the whole thing up? I still have him on facebook, I suppose I could just ask him.

How could I have possibly changed this much in only a year? This time last year I was pining for some guy who was totally out of my league. I was preparing myself for Chelsea's arrival and searching for one night stands without the help of dance parties. I was only finding happiness on Family P&A Night. Puzzle and Chris were not yet a part of my life and I had no idea what I was in for.

I don't know if I've really changed all that much or if the people in my life just got rearranged. Shan went from the one who rented my room to my best friend. Chris replaced Chelsea. Adam was the perfect roommate I will never see again. I still throw up when I'm upset but I no longer puke for Josh. I'm terrified of sex so I bite my lip and only sleep with the one I trust, rather than drowning the fear with alcohol each time. I keep telling myself I will buy that ipod next month, knowing I never will.

I'm still Ev.

I have to stop fighting the past. All my experiences happened for a reason, and yes, they did happen. I think. I'm not clever enough to create my life in my mind.

Insanity must be amazing.

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