Third Person

Sep 6th, 2010 6:26:50 am - Subscribe

Currently Listening To: White Stripes- I just don't know what to do with myself.

So the past couple nights have been hell. The days weren’t much better but I have the most trouble at night. I fall asleep alright enough. The sadness usually wears me out and puts me to sleep. But every hour or so I wake up from a bad dream and I reach out for him. He’s not there so I roll over and continue reaching. It takes me a while to remember where I am. I sit up, turn on the light and try to deal with the dream. I try to figure out why my stomach is burning and why I’m in my own bed. When I remember, I have to go through all sorts of mental gymnastics to get back to sleep.

First I fight the urge to text him. I focus on his past text messages and think about how annoyed he was just to be woken up by me. When I convince myself that texting is a bad idea, I toss around in bed for a while fighting the urge to drive over and crawl into bed with him, hoping he would be so relieved to hold someone that for one night he could forget that he broke up with me and neither of us have to mention it in the morning.

This is where I have to anthropomorphize his feelings into another girl sleeping on my side of the bed. I picture myself, doing exactly what I want, crawl into bed, pull the familiar covers over me and latch on to him as tightly as possible. Then I interrupt this fantasy with him turning on the light and some sleepy girl asking Chris what’s going on. The three of us sit there, I mumble something stupid and the girl hugs me and tells me it’s going to be okay. Chris puts on his robe and silently walks me to my car and it’s almost like we never even dated. Like, I’m just some crazy child that broke into his house and he sends me back to bed with a glass of water.
It still takes me forever to get back to sleep. Especially with my empty stomach protesting my fear of throwing up.

I haven’t eaten since he dumped me. I can't tell if I'm just lightheaded and weak from that or if I'm still just hurting from things not being the same as they were for the past couple of years.

Either way, I want to skip this part. I want to skip the part where I'm alone and skip the part where I fall in love again, go straight to sleeping in someone's bed, feeling comfortable with them and being able to say "I love you" and mean it without causing a big damn scene.

I miss comfort. I miss my first true love.

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