evrsosweet's Blog

mondays suck.
Date: Sep 21st, 2004 2:36:51 am - Subscribe
Mood: emotionless


today was a horrible horrible day. i woke up late for school, felt sick the whole day, ended up throwing up. now i'm all sick. my face was horribly oily and it made me angry and i felt all gross.

then i got all jealous of my friends because they're all getting awesome new friends and boyfriends and i'm NOT because i'm in the special program for SMART KIDS, where everyone is a LOSER. and i'm all envious and i hate feeling this way. and its not that i'm not happy for them, because i really, truly am, its just... i mean, sure, i had one really great boyfriend. the only problem was, all the girls liked him and i was so insecure about everything and it just made me feel worse. not to mention all he thought about was sex and i wouldn't give it to him. and even though i saved him from KILLING HIMSELF, he still treats me like i'm chopped liver.

But........

I'm sure i'd get new friends if i wasn't so shy. i guess i just really care what other people think of me, which i hate, and i know i shouldnt do. i just can't help that. i'm afraid to approach people because i'm afraid that they'll get the wrong first impression of me and that i just blew my chance. so i just sit. in the corner. and stare enviously at the people who i wish were my friends and i could converse with freely without feeling like a total dumbass. and then there are those times when i'm totally ready to go talk to someone, but when the time comes i lose all confidence whatsoever and go back to cower in my corner.

now, not to sound too conceited or boy crazy or anything, but i wish i had a boyfriend. because i'm a horribly needy person and i need that special lovin. not from family, or from friends, but from a person who can just give me bona fide love. i mean, family and friends.. it just feels like they HAVE to love me. therefore when they try to comfort me or boost my confidence i don't believe them, because i feel like thats their job, to make me feel better. the only problem is, no one wants to get to know me well enough to find out who i really am. because i know i put on a show at school, it's just second nature. but if they really got to know me, i think their vision of me would change, maybe ever so slightly, but for the better.

but stuff like that doesn't happen to me. so far, i've dedicated my whole life to my education. why? because my parents made me. i sort of feel like my parents want me to be them. neither of them got a full high school education. i guess they only want the best for me, but what about what I think is best for me? they probably think i'm too naive to know whats best for me. but who knows me better than me? caroline, possibily, but that doesn't count. anyway, it just seems like they wont let me do anything. go to concerts, parties, or anything because they think it'll severely influence me in a bad way. that i'll become an alcoholic or a drug addict. if they knew me well enough, they'd know that that is not who i am. i, too, am concerned with my education, i just need a little fun in my life. everyday i wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, sleep. its a never ending cycle. and on saturdays, i work. sundays are "family days"... or at least, they were until my family got torn apart, which is a whole 'nother story in itself. so i just stay home on sundays and, well, do nothing. i sit. and think. and wonder. and hope. and wish. and dream. and do all the things that'll get me nowhere. and that is where i am today.

it's raining. i like the rain. i wish i could go play in it right now, but i'm sick, and my mother won't let me. thats a shame, because i could sure use some rain dancin action.
Comments: (3)

saint - September 21st, 2004 That fucking sucks. There's a lot of people in your situation. I dunno what to tell ya. If I was you I'd just ignore my parents and handle my business, but you're not me, so I guess you just gotta do what you think is best. Make a change, don't sit there and take it. Revolution!

marlene - September 21st, 2004 Wow, you are so much like me, it's creepy. But, you sound MUCH smarter than me and my parents don't make me feel school is my life. But about the whole friends thing, I know what you mean ...or at least used to. I used to be so shy and terrified to talk to ANYONE I didn't know for fear of screwing up or making an idiot of myself. But I stopped caring, to an extent. I mean, I just told myself, who cares what other people think of me? It's about what I think of myself! Only people you care for's opinion really counts. Besides, if you screw up here and there, it's no big deal. You can't life your whole life in a box. Just get out there and have fun! Ever since I over came my shyness, I've gotten more friends, a boyfriend and a better life. I am more happy with the person I am, and hey! We've all embrassed ourselves in some ways, people who hold it against you only do it cause of their insecurities, or they just want to be you. Don't get left behind

chibiheartdragon - September 23rd, 2004 Yeah, I can relate. When my two friends that I hang out with at lunch are not around or anything, or if we get like a thing to communicate or something, nobody wants to really be my partner... and I wish I could talk to people who claim they are my friend but don't really talk to me... But yeah. You're like me. It's lonely sometimes >< I'm really sorry this happened. I hope things turn around. *hugs*

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