Date: Apr 16th, 2005 6:55:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: frustrated beyond belief, lol
ok so Jes told me I had to post in here again, so I shall do my best....anywho, yeah...So Francisco is coming to church with my family and I tomorrow...he went out and baught like a whole new oufit, hehe* sometimes he can be so strange, but thats aight, I like it.....lol, sooooo, lets see....I dont know, like things just get so frustrating sometimes! everything, and everyone, and no i still havent gotten rid of it, lol, not that anyone even knows what im talking about..but yeah, my sister shes just going insane, she has no respect whatsoever for authority, and I despise that, because well I have to suffer for her mistakes, which is sooo not cool....and I dont know, ok honesty...I'll get some of it out...I feel like I'm forcing liking Francisco, and I know thats terrible, I shouldnt even be saying it, in fact its really mean, considering that he'll probably read this ...but its true, I feel like i cant wait on Gods timing, and that it isnt supposed to be, but hes like soo awesome and everything, and I just dont get it...lol, its terrible of me, and I feel bad, really I do...so im praying about it, and I just like, I feel really close to him, and I couldnt just say "God told me to do this, so im letting go" I'm tired of saying the same words, and hurting people over and over again because of how stupid I am sometimes...and then I just feel like giving up, going where the wind blows me, when the wind blows me...and right now I just feel like I'm tied down, and cant move, lol
weirdness setting in...and then my dad makes me feel like I can never do anything right, and that he'll never be proud of me...I feel worthless pretty much..and I dont like that...I jsut want to leave, but I know I cant, or thats not it...I can leave, but I know that I'm here for a reason, and that when its my time God will take me, but until then theres nothing I can do...which is where the inpatient part kicks in...and I dont want to wait...and it stares at me..lol, and I figure it wont matter becaue I do have some self controll, little but some none the less....but I just like, I'v cried myself to sleep recently, and I havent done that in forever...and I'm supposed to be kept together, and everything else...and the more responsible I am the more people think I cant do anything wrong..and then I try not to do anything wrong, but then I get tired of trying, and I give in, and delibratlly do something, just to show them that I can make mistakes..and that I'm not perfect...and its just so frustrating!!!
its like a huge circle, and I cant go anywhere because as soon as i think I'v moved one step forward its like i take 2 back ,lol..which isnt true at all..but it feels like it...I cant wait to go to church tomorrow..I think I'll go up and get prayed for
random poem i just wrote, lol
Date: Apr 9th, 2005 10:23:56 am - Subscribe
Everything I always wanted, everything I ever prayed for.
That’s what you are to me, that’s what you’ll always be.
Enough tears to drown the world, enough pain to kill all earth.
Unfathomable what might have caused it, unsolved the mysteries behind it.
Through it all the rose still lies, not tuched nore crushed, not shattered nore broken.
Everlasting it will always go on, neverending it will always still stay.
Everytime you look at me, I see what layes inside.
A love that’s meant to last forever,
A treasure meant only for me.
So where are you now?
When all I can hear is empty promises, and truths that should have lasted.
This isn’t how its supposed to be, this isn’t how the story ends.
A tail untold, a whole place that’s yet to be traveled.
This everlasting rose, a symbol of my love.
It won’t ever fade away, day or night it will stay the same.
Holding all my tears, hiding everything about me.
Only one will get to see it, none will ever tuch it.
It’s my promise to you, my only treasure.
The most precious gift I will ever have,
priceless, but at the same time far above rubies.
Only one, only me.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save it, I’m sorry I didn’t wait.
Petals torn off and given away, to things I thought could handle.
Worthless now I feel, when I have nothing left to offer.
Nightmares of who I used to be, terrors of what I did.
Ashamed to be called a princess, ever worse that you think I still am.
I lay at the altar, begging for mercy, crying for you to take me back.
Knowing I’m not worthy to be looked at, understanding if you won’t forgive.
But with unconditional love you lift up my head, and whisper quietly into my ear,
“My daughter I never forgot you.”
Date: Apr 8th, 2005 7:45:07 am - Subscribe
okokok, so your probably getting bored of me talking about mizter Francisco like none stop....hmmm, oh wait, I was gonna say thats to bad, but I shall restrain myself...oh he talked to my dad last night, I was so nervous, lol, cause I wasn't home so cisco called me celly, but I told him to call my house and well, he did! and supposably they actually held a conversation...except me padre missed my mothers call, lol, but its all good, she called back again later...ow, mhh, lol, wow, I have to babysitt in like 20 mins, I should go get ready...I dont really want to though...oh btw I dreamed about him(no not the baby, mizter francisco, lol, silly peeps)like fer the 4th time.....and you know what that'd be fine! sept fer the way he acts in my dreams, honestly...lol, anywho, yeah, my life....I want me celly, I wonder where it is today....My dad hides it from me, literally hidea it..lol, I'm not sure why, maybe he thinks its fun...but I wake up and its just gone...and I search and search and can't find it anywhere...oh well, I dont really need it right now anyways, its just my baby, and I miss it*tears*.....yeah so mizter Francisco gets his lisence on may 12th, and on may 13th he's going on a trippy w/his school...but after that he's going to come visit me! I can't wait, lol! he is so awesomly amazing! lol, but yeah, and he's going to come over and were going to have a bible study ....which is very cool! well anyways, I have to get going, maybe I'll write again later...wow I could write twice in the same day! but maybe then no one would read this post? hmmmmmm
Date: Apr 7th, 2005 7:41:08 am - Subscribe
yeah, not cool, lol...soooo, Mizter Francisco can't come over on Friday, do to my silly father....yeah anywho, he is so amazing! francisco, lol, not me padre, well they both are kinda...but francisco more, anyway....lol, he is sooo sweet, and he treats me like a princess, and just, its so hard to explain..but I'v been been praying for someone like him for awhile....because he'd not like any of the other guys I'v known, he's different....lol, of course he doesn't know all that much about me hehe* I like being secretive...yeah, ima stop now I have to go attempt to beautify myself a tad, fer the lil guy I babysitt....lol, not that he even cares what I look like .....I can't get Francisco out of my head!!! He's just so much an answer to prayeres, I don't want him to ever go away*sigh*
hmmm, lol, I have a great life!
Date: Apr 6th, 2005 11:14:13 am - Subscribe
Ok so I might not think that very often, but I do right now...yeah so mizter Francisco wanted me to write more in here about him, I'm not sure why, lol....but I will, because I like braggin about him ....He really is amazing though seriously, I was talking to him on the phone this morning before he went to school(no I was sooo not up at like 6am, he didnt leave till 9:30,lol), and he's just like the sweetest guy....I want to get to know him so much more, and I want my family to know him, lol....my family more than anything though, because its really important to me that they like him ..anywho, we want to get together on friday and hang out, my sister has a relay for life thingy, so im thinking about maybe asking him if he wants to go to that w/me...I mean he probably won't ,lol, but I can still ask...It's like all night anyways, and I doubt he'd be allowed*sigh* oh well....I can't get him out of my head either, lol, lik every single thought I have is about him....oh dear, not cool actually...but hey actually, I think my relationship w/God is getting stronger, which is sooo awesome! and I'v just been so happy since meeting Francisco, lol....ahhh!!! lol, yeah, I want to spend more time w/him though...so he has to meet me padre that means...which is good, but kinda scary...hmmm, yeah I'll go now...lol, *hug* to everyone reading this
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