It seems that my closest friends like to hurt me more than my mortal enemies... The pattern is thus far:
We'll call you.. Puerto Rico
(My best friend.. my first real love... and probably my last. You, to this day, continue the pain, because you refuse to reject me completely and give me reason to hate you.)
We'll call you.. The Hulk
(More of a jealousy tool I am ashamed to say, but Josh had just broke me in two and left me to die in a gutter. It's okay, you screwed me over before I could catch my breath. The rejection was good. We're okay friends now.)
We'll just call you by your real name- Andrew
(oh I loved you so much... looked forward to a life with you.. you flipped my world rightsidedown... I literally fell head over toes for you, no turning back... My true emo moments are with you... and you rejected me completely.. gave up contact.. and I thought you were the one)
(Again, but I think that I wanted the pain, and you wouldn't give me the final satisfaction.)
So this is dedicated to Puerto.. my last love
Rush through me
Pulse blood free
In a pool.
And I love the flow
Addiction at itýs fullest
Planning my next blow
Blade to skin in the thick
The love I have
Based off the hate you give.
My cat loves me more. Haha atleast there is something that does.
Finally, I have figured it out...
Why Puerto Rico says, "I love you." But won't be with me. I mean, I knew sort of, because it had something to do with abandonment issues, but now I know it has EVERYTHING to do with abandonment issues.
Not only is he scared of rejection, it's Puerto Rico's experience that girlfriends last maybe up to a year and then it ends. He never wants to lose me. PR thinks that by hurting me (by not dating me exclusively, a total rejection and cut in my point of view), he can keep a piece of me (if not all of me) forever, without loss of me completely (because he thinks we'll be friends forever).
He's said it before, but it never came that clear to me. And whenever I try to end the friendship because of my pain, it hurts him soo much (believe me, malevolence isn't in my nature... I am not naturally catty or vengeful, and I try to be as selfless as possible in all relations with people), because it means his plan is failing, and I'm threatening an end to our relationship (the very basis of his fear--abandonment).
Unintentionally, PR rapes my heart. Let me explain...
Raping someone's heart is taking a vital part of them that equates in love relationships. PR takes the part that he needs in a relationship at the moment (everything as of lately), and gives me nothing in return. Well, at least won't be with me so it won't hurt when I see him with a new girl.
Did I mention all of his girl friends hate me secretly, but strategically become my friend to gain information and keep an eye on our friendship (keep tabs really). They think I am unaware of it, but I am more than aware, I am consciously allowing them to become somewhat close to me (I've discovered that what GPSG, PSP, PR, and Crow say is true... I do exude a polite distance in all relations. The only person I have opened up to completely was Andrew, and he screwed me over.) I allow them to do that, so that I may also see both sides of the relationship. I appreciate and strive to learn as much empathy as I possibly can.
Unfortunately I can't bring myself to hate any of these girls, although PR clearly hates any other male around me, even though I am not dating him. Funny how he wants possession but won't let me be his exclusively. Excuse me, I mean he won't let himself be mine exclusively. It is his few biased and selfish characteristics.
I understand now that when PR says, "Well yeah, I am jealous. They might replace me," it means that he thinks I am his, without having to actually be his. It's cruelly loving on his part. It kills me.
So, darling, let me clarify some things (just to explain, PR isn't on here. I write letters to people and never give them over so that I can empty my feelings on a plate and stir them around until they become depleted):
I am not yours, because you won't let me be. Your way of keeping me is unconsciously manipulative (or is it?). I understand your fears, how they drive away your romantic feelings for me to save face and keep me somewhat, but you don't seem to understand that I don't intend on leaving you.
Apologies from me are to be expected, however.
So let me begin.
I am sorry for trying to leave you when I feel like dying. I am sorry for allowing you to rape my heart, and not tell you what your doing, therefore having unrealistic expectations that you read my mind and be all conscious of me. That is unforgivably selfish. I am sorry for trying to be your counselor because then I set you up to make unrealistic expectations of me, making both of us mad, and me a failure in both of our eyes. I am sorry for not supporting you out loud, or encouraging you nearly as much as you need me to (it's okay to be codependent this time). Most of all, I am sorry for allowing you to break me heart constantly because you are acutely aware of it, and it kills you as well (what you were trying to avoid to begin with).
I think I made you think that because I would wait for Andrew for forever and a day, I would never give you nearly as much.
But I will. I will wait.
To clarify though, that does not entitle you to possession of me. I am my own person. However, I will give selflessly until the pain drives me to silent tears, like a screwdriver slowly twisting into my heart. I just have to make sure that you are aware that you don't have me. Not yet. I will give what I can, but you will never know that part of me; that special part that I unveiled to the wrong person at the wrong time; the tenderness and nude honesty that I gave to someone who was dear to me. Just as you are dear to me.
I hope someday you can unwrap that present that awaits outside the door, right under your nose. Stop being blind quickly, please. You are slowly murdering my soul.
To this day, Andrew's picture remains in my wallet.
No joke. I went on elftown today, and saw that since I decided not to check out his page, it was an opportune time for him to come out of nowhere and check it. After 35 days of torture, I blew off the open window that beckoned me. Four days ago--that's when he was on last. Didn't even say hi, but he did visit my page multiple times. At least he's thinking of me.
It remains in my wallet. I can't bring myself to take it out. Somehow, that would mean, in my mind at least, that there really was nothing. And there was.
The picture was from camp. In fact, I have lots of pictures from camp. I loved camp. I met Andrew at camp, and we stuck together like glue and paper. Really, no one understood it and a lot of people hated him at camp for being with me, and I for being with him (I was unawares until I talked to couple of people that were our mutual friends and they explained that I had my own fan club... it was the same for him.... creepy).
We did everything together that we possibly could. And then the week was up. I had given him my email, phone, and address, but he hadn't given me anything.
I mourned for two weeks, and prayed that he would call me at least once. Then he did, right after I prayed for it. It was my personal favorite miracle in my life.
Nine months of heaven on ice- us calling back and forth at all times of night (and then when I got my cell phone, at all times period). He told me he was falling for me (I had fallen for him the second day I knew him).
Then I'm not sure what happened (being that we live in different places is part of it, lack of communication another).
I can't take it out.
Dashboard decorations dance to the grip of the tires as we hurry down, scuttle down, this escalating mountain of doubt.
Why must we question?
Fate is the likeness; a conituum of change.
Giddy, oh you foolish world--in your superficial Jones-scaling downfalls.
Beauty is no longer of substance; a mind screaming sexual obsceneties--would you like a turn?
The Ferris wheal collides with deceptions, massacring the soul of a sanction; get your dividends now!
And oh! the whirlwind of broken hearts served on blood roasted vinyl; only the best (wish upon a satelite before it collides with the rest of the tabloids).
Thirty Second Life-Altering Love, a novella of vast perspacity so obese in equivocations.
Brutal honesty and nude eyes role-playing post office blues-- dear John's Seraph guiding his dissertation, oh so impermiable to man's empathy.
Therein lies the intracacy; lack of vicarious emotion (unravelling lace doilies) turntabled and reflected in the sunlight.
Where, concealed by windburned lonely lips, does the treasure lie?
Bruising our hearts, in likeness to the detrements on energy by chinese takeout, is the hesitation of precise sentiment, sincerely given and recieved in a calumet.
So let the pornographic fireworks shatter your morals, as into the light darkness seeps; 'innocense' such a wasted word.
After the cadenza the shrink will reassure you of motives with ridiculous pellegra and silk rose petals.
Lonely reverberation remains in napalm, embraced by shocking rapture; clarity never fading into sepia tears.
You know what I absolutely can't stand? Stupid girls that have stupid girly crushes on my best friend's boyfriend. This is Hannah's first bf and some girl named Brittni is stupid enough to mess with her. Okay...
ALERT THE MEDIA!!!!!!!!!!!::: I WILL KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HARM HANNAH IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM... THEY WILL DIE A SLOW AND EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL MURDER AND I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE... GOT IT? GOOD.
i.e. A message to Hannah from Brittni:
k. hey. im grays old girlfriend. ya i still love him....and i kno he still loves me. i mean...look at what he writes. ya im gonna get defensive of him. dont hurt him k? the only reason (in case he hasent told u) taht we broke up is because of his family. they HATE me. i dont kow y. his dad thinks im a slut tho. i can tell u that much. im not. i love him. but, lets be friends k?
I hate it when someone says that they love someone, but then they are selfish enough to wreck the best thing that makes them happiest in their life. Why do they do this? Because it doesn't fit into their picture perfect suburbia family future.
The thing I hate the most are people who claim to be Christians but won't tell the complete truth or act like it. I will tell you straight out. Yes I have my downfalls. But protecting the people I love will never come as a sin to me. I had empathy towards Brittni and told Gray to be nice and let her be his friend. If I thought she was a threat I would have told him to block her and never talk to her again. Instead I said to give her a chance, and she decided to message my girl?!! I'm telling you, it's suicidal tendencies or insanity that spurs that on.
Tell me something Brittni, if Gray loves you so much, why isn't he willing to go the extra mile through his family problems and be with you? He may love you, but not the same way he used to. You are his friend. So don't be rude to Hannah.
If he loves you, did you tell him before you messaged Hannah that horrible thing, that you were going to do that. I'm sure that if he loved you the same way, he would have been okay with it. Yes, you know that he would have as well. But you know what? you didn't tell him because you knew he wouldn't be okay with it. And for someone who loves someone, that is incredibly selfish.
I think that is what I abhor more than anything else.. Selfishness. Selfishness masked in innocence. The stupid feminine manipulation games. Going behind a persons back to get what you want. "Unintentionally" wrecking things and conveniently being there for the guy you like. Wow is that predictable.
i.e. my reply to Brittni
Lets get a couple things straight, okay Brittni (yes I know who you are, Gray talks to me, seeing that my best friend is his girlfriend).
If you are EVER rude to Hannah again I will gut you like a fish (ask Gray, I am dead serious when I say things like this, and I will never be scared to back my words up with action). I do not take well to stuck up relationship wreckers. If he wanted to be with you, he would be, okay?! He actually told me everything because he was freaked when you messaged him out of nowhere.
He has stronger feelings for Hannah, so get over yourself and leave Hannah alone. Funny, I told him to let you down nicely, because I believe everyone deserves a chance, and maybe you guys could be friends. However, my mind has changed.
You hurt her.. can you believe that? And you don't even know her. She is the last person on the planet who deserves pain.
If you really loved Gray, then you would want him to be happy at any expense it cost you. You would let him leave you. I don't just say this because I want Hannah to be happy, but out of experience. Love is ANYTHING but selfish. And that is what you are when you send messages like that to a girl you don't even know.
I am not saying this with anger. I want you understand that (considering that when you are online you have no idea how I am saying this). I am saying this with stern seriousness. I didn't want anyone involved in this drama to get hurt, but if it happens to be Hannah, I will make sure that my promises are kept, okay?
And yes... Gray and Hannah both know exactly what I said. Trying to redeem yourself would be very wise right now.
GET OVER YOURSELF AND MOVE ON. FOCUS ON SOMETHING MORE CONSTRUCTIVE. THE MORE YOU ARE INTO WHAT YOU DO, THE MORE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. IT'S THAT PORTRAYAL OF PASSION THAT SAYS YOUR MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE ANY RELATIONSHIP. SO LEARN LOVE THEN LOVE YOURSELF THEN LOVE SOMEONE SELFLESSLY AND THEY'LL LOVE YOU