ARGH oh yesterday was a trial.
Date: May 20th, 2005 1:14:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: SplodeySplodey Kablooticus
Music: Embers and Envelopes, by Mae

Oh Jesus did as I asked when I prayed yesterday morning.

"Lord test me please, I am praying for trials to help me grow with you Lord. Mature my patience and wisdom."

First I almost got in a fight because La Mount made Jill cry. But I was nice and simply asked why he had to be such a jackass (hey it's used in the Bible), and what had she ever done to him.

Then he stole my phone and took off. How do I know if no one saw him? Well as soon as I noticed it was missing I called my number from the school phone and the moron answered it. So my mom wants to press charges, and I can't disagree.

Eh.. I was so calm through it all that my best friend asked me if I was taking a sedative. I laughed. If only he knew.
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Lonliness is Conformist.
Date: May 18th, 2005 4:56:12 pm - Subscribe
Mood: odd
Music: The Toxic Waltz, by Exodus

Blue lips and glazed eyes
This oxygen escaped too early...
One more chance to find the direliction,
Please Oh Please!

Sunshine and the distinct flavor of menthol
Never gained the dying old redemption.

Yes, David was to become king but
Thirteen years of waiting;
Oh to get something young...

I suppose dancing in the streets
Is something to experience
Through these unconscious kisses
Of Grace.

So I lay my "humbleness" down
Now what?
Take me.
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Various Conversations Pt. 1
Date: May 17th, 2005 7:56:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: somber
Music: The Clincher, by Chevelle

I have had so many unique and lesson-teaching conversations that I thought maybe I should put them up

This conversation will remain anonymous to protect the unmeaserably private individual who participated


^ Cool. SO what kind of things are you attached to?

*feelings, pain, a person, a thing, affection, and love.?! but I've learned something. There isn't real love!!! Not a single one! I've been through so much and I learn from each experience. It's a good thing. When you talked about your gay friends, I'm all like is she gay? Oh, I have a question have you ever had any sexual contact.

^Yes. I have, but I have absolutely no interest in girls. I can barely stand them as aquantences, let alone romantic/intimate/sexual interest. Well, I know there is real love, but today's stuff warps its beauty. You have to find it for yourself.

*Thats true, well I'm still looking you know, right now I am trying to work something out with Briana, my girl.

~~~~~~~~~


^So... where were we? Oh yes. Questions... Hmm...
Do you have a foot or ear fetish? Because if you do, that is disgusting. I have a mortal fear of people touching my feet. ANd ears are nasty. Haha, aren't I random?

*Well I like it when people are touching my ear but i love it when my ex would breath near it...

^Your ex? Whoa buddy, if you have a g/f right now, you just don't talk about your ex. As for me, it's just not a major turn on. But then again, I don't date. I don't believe in serious relationships at this age. Anyhooha your turn for a question.

*Well you just get out there and try. I mean, about my ex, I was bringing it up because of your question

^It's not that I don't try, it's that I have and I don't like what happens. At this point, while everyone else needs intimacy, I barely want it. Which is funny, because I know a whole bunch of people who want to date me (or do naughty, unspoken things to me). I don't really find myself attractive, nor do I find a want for attractiveness. As far as I am concerned, if you really like me, you'll like me with or without makeup or nice clothes. I, personally, am hardly ever attracted to anyone past the point of freindship. But this is boring...so... And, just to let you know, I was just giving you a hard time about your ex stuff. I really don't care if you talk about her. Anyhooha.. question?

*Am I ugly? j/k Oh what was your first impression of me when we met.

^You have a gorgeous smile. It lights the room up. And cool hair. You were pretty shy it seemed, and almost scared by me. And yours of me? Now... hmm... I think your funny and half innocent. A very genuine person.

*Miss perfect vocabuallery, why thank you! j/k well one question, answer it good. Are you good at keeping secrets?

^Yes, very. I am an excellent secret keeper. Why?

*Well I have something o tell you I was going out with...

^Okay...

*Are you sure? You don't think mean or differently of me?

^Nope. I still don't know what your saying. Are you coming out to me? or something?!

*With a gay guy. I went out with a gay guy. No I did it already, and it was hell.

^hmm.. so your bi or gay? I have many alternative lifestyle friends. I could sort of tell anyways.. haha

*I was bi but I 've managed to change somehow. Don't get me wrong.. I love girls. hmmmm.. There that's it.

^You just like girls then? Well my friend miki was the same, she changed from bi to straight. No biggie.

*Yes I do, thats good! I was so hurt and messed. I was okay but I thought it was a horrible lifestyle.

^Well I don't think it's a good lifestyle because so many people get hurt. But I won't condemn you for it happy.gif . Would that make me a good friend if I bugged on you because of your personal choices? No. As for me.. I gor way worse secrets than that. They would probably keep many people away from me. But it's the past. Hmmm... anymore questions for me?

*Can you trust me? Talk to me. Tell me grin.gif

^I'm going to be honest: The only person I trust completely is God. I may tell some people certain things, and other people other things, but there is not one person on this planet I trust completely. It's definitely not a grudge against your trustworthiness personally, I just don't turst anyone happy.gif . I think I could trust you with a lot, but I like to know someone really well before I start telling secrets. But your up one step: I told you about my past addictions and relationship non-beliefs.

*Oh well thats okay. You'll know me more minute by minute. I'm also attached to stuff.

And that was the end of our note passing, because we just started talking.
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Letters I Wrote But Never Sent Pt.3: The Andrew Files
Date: May 17th, 2005 7:22:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: intoxicated
Music: A Decade Under The Influence, by Taking Back Sunday

Here is another continued from the previous entry...

When I see you again...

I'm going to hold you and never let go
I'm going to kiss your forhead and thank God you're unharmed
I'm going to look into your eyes for eternity until it is engraved on the back of my cornea
I'm going to run to you
I'm going to cry (no doubts here)
I'm going to let that distance I so politely exude fall to the earth's center
I'm going to say a million things in three words
I'm going to fall in love with you again
I'm going to get pictures of us
I'm not going to let you out of my sight and reach
I'm going to hold your hand
I'm going to worship with you
I'm going to show you my art
I'm going to show you poetry
I'm going to explain my inspiration
I'm going to pray over you
I'm going to pray with you
I'm going to love you more than anyone

I definitely loved him. I just wish he had loved me to.
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Letters I Wrote But Never Sent Pt.2: The Andrew Files
Date: May 17th, 2005 7:13:49 pm - Subscribe
Mood: scattered
Music: Running Away, by Hoobastank

Andrew and I were together in a very wierd way... I met him and we were insperable for a week... then we kept in contact over the phone.. I wrote him a million and two letters but the real ones I wrote were the ones I wrote after he told me he loved me. If you read my early blogs, you will find that I said my real emo moments were with him. The letters are evidence to the core.


Oh my loverly,

I am of course, thinking about you, so I decided to write you a letter. I am still smiling and I told some people why (they asked). But I like keeping your love to myself (excuse my selfish honesty, hehe). you are probably in theatre right now putting lights up and what-not (my cute grip-boy). I just got done with consumer math (buying houses and cars, interest and loan stuff. It's boring as all get out). I close my eyes at intervals and I see you. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it is driving me nuts. I need to find a college near you. Of course I will apply at Fresno, but I have to consider options. Hehe... I have a ton of corny emo songs stuck in my head. I am going to send you your premium emo mix cd soon. People at my school are mostly stupid. I can't wait to graduate. Anyhooha...
I love you
just because
because I can
because you make me want to be better
because you love me
because God wants me to
because of your amazing deep eyes
because of your soothing voice
because you believe I can do anything
because you make me happy
because you are silly
because you are smart
because I love you
because you're wise beyond your years
because you're old fashioned
because you are a beautiful person
because you are strong
because you are steady
because you are genuine
because you are gentle
because you are creative
because you are blessed
because you blees me
because you make me blush
because you make my heart jump
because you protect me
because I love you
I am falling head over toes in love with you because you amaze me. Please catch me so we can fall together. I love you.

I at one point read it to him, and he was happy at the time.... I still want those memories to have substance..
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