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fatboyron Why are we here... - Subscribe
That's the raison d'etre for this blog rather than man's eternal search for his existance...
Well I guess to talk about the things that I can't talk about elsewhere...an extension of my group therapy sessions, a chance to get get stuff out of my head and onto the printed page or at least the screen.
The immediate reason however is to get the aftermath of a breakout out of my head. So the direct reason would I guess be JVT who has inspired me in more ways than one...
Some blogs I know are selective and I think that this one will be as well, if only because there's a very good chance of boring innocent readers to death. It'll be a collection of tidbits, personal stuff and things that I find to be interesting -- a fairly eclectic mix. How long will it go on? I have no idea -- as long as I can be arsed? As long as theres stuff to talk about? Who knows...
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Mood: confuzzled

fatboyron Ex-sore-size Aug 18th, 2008 6:44:52 am - Subscribe
OK so the ex in question isn't an ex unless you count one what (three or maybe four) hour date with each other but I am sore -- and not in an angry way -- heartsore I guess would be the most accurate description. It's cruel not to let the other person now whats going on -- its also cowardly -- and very very easy. I know because I've done it myself. I came across Jo's match profile -- Jo who invited me into her home last year. She had me as a favourite and I dropped her a line with no response. Can't blame her for that one. But still JVT's silence is a heartbreaker for me. We were getting along so well, had so much in common and then -- nothing. eep.gif( I keep rethinking what happened on the sunday -- should I have picked up the phone, should I have mailed, should I, should I, should I? But ultimately it takes two, two people to commit, two people ready to risk. And shes not ready to risk -- shes ready to take the first faltering steps on the road to recovery and more power to her elbow (and other bits too) I just wish that things had turned out differently. Still a date tonight and no expectation. Diana seems a nice enough girl (talk about being damned with faint praise!) Well we'll see.
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Mood: heartbroken

fatboyron Fatboy's track of the week Aug 19th, 2008 2:15:33 am - Subscribe
So I'm thinking that once a week I'll put out a track of the week, or a film of the week, or a comic of the week or a something of the week -- something of the sort up here - so as it's particularly resonant for me at the mo' lets start with a little Johnny Cash via Nine Inch Nails. RIP the man in black

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Written by: Trent Reznor
Performed by: Johnny Cash
Albums: American IV: The Man Comes Around-2003,
Unearthed-2003, The Legend of Johnny Cash-2005, et al.





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Mood: hurt

fatboyron A change of heart Aug 20th, 2008 4:00:04 pm - Subscribe
Todays entry was inspired by mail received from an old and much-missed friend was going to be on the subject of masochism. On how the word is derived from the Chevalier Leopold von Sacher-Masoch , an austrian who wrote extensively about the satisfaction he got from being beaten and subjugated. On the work of Krafft-Ebing and Freud's work on the subject - the fact that Freud believed that masochism in males was a transformation of sadism (or self-sadism) of the fact that both men found it to be linked in many cases to sadism. On the fact that Gilles Deleuze believed that masochism was based on the desire to delay gratification, and in extreme cases the delay being infinite and never achieved. On the fact that feminist thinkers believe that sadomasochism is implicit in western society -- and gender relations therein.
But instead I'm going to talk about closure and about how the JVT with a single click of her mouse announced herself "Not interested" a click that sent my stomach to the floor for a couple of minutes and then -- it was if a physical weight had been lifted from me. Release. After a week and a half of misery my spirits lifted discernably. Its time to get on with my life. Thanks baby.
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Mood: liberated

fatboyron Date week Aug 23rd, 2008 5:09:31 am - Subscribe
So Monday I spent a couple of hours with Diana (pronounced Deeana -- its Italian!) which was nice -- we met in the Arts Picture House bar had a latte and a natter just seeing how we fitted together - running the gamut from exes to families to travel to acting and mental health. An interesting evening and she was a really nice girl -- but I think that we both came to the conclusion that there was no real chemistry and so later on in the week I got a loverly mail wondering if we could do the friends thing -- well duh. Yes of course -- I havent heard back from her but hope that I do.
Then Friday I again frequented the Arts Picture House bar and met up with Caroline which was quite the experience -- shed left her husband of 15 years a couple of months ago and to be honest Im not sure that she knows what shes doing, or what she wants - add a couple of kids into the mix and an intellegent, intellectual, and sensitive young woman (shes only 31) and its quite a mess unfortunately she already has a good friend network so the "lets be friends option" isnt really much of an option. Where I am nervous is that shes not too fond of her ex and I think that theres an element of revenge dating in there as well. We'll see. Then when I got home I got a call from Tracey from Canvey Island -- who I will readily admit inspires a bit of an Oooh from me though I fear the distance will prove too great an obstacle. But again we shall see -- And then I have a date tomorrow night with Rowan who I originally got talking to when I was on match last year but with whom things never really worked out and then all being well noodles and a film with the Cullen YAY. Well its out into the sunshine for me while it lasts.
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Mood: lackadaisical