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Thoughts From A Child

May 5th, 2011 5:53:42 pm - Subscribe

Everyone is so impressed with young people that are "all grown up." But I don't want to fucking grow up. And I don't know that I ever will. But see, in 5 or 10 years, whether I want to or not, I'll probably turn into a "grown-up." And I don't mean like legally or physically an adult, but my maturity level will slowly rise until I become one. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it. And a mature person would say "That's so childish, not wanting to grow up. You can't be a child forever. There's a point where you have to become a mature adult and leave all that childish nonsense behind you." But that's so fucking stupid to me. And, I don't know... I feel weird because I know plenty of adults wish to be young again, but most kids I know can't wait to grow up. So what if, because I want to stay a kid now, when I get old I'll just keep wishing I'm older? Hahah. I don't even know what my brain is trying to tell me. It's all so damn confusing. Growing up is such a pain in my ass.
mood: tortured
music: Kiss Off by The Violent Femmes
(0) comments

The world doesn't move the way you want it sometimes

Jan 10th, 2011 8:07:02 pm - Subscribe

Well, well, well. If it isn't Aeonity. It feels weird to be on here, like I've changed a lot since I last posted anything. Have I? I don't know, I don't remember my last post. I'll go look at it.
Ohh. Well the road trip thing doesn't really count as a post.
I guess I've just been saying what I've been doing lately. Huh. I'm dull.
And too tired to try and think of something to say. I don't know if I'll be posting on here a whole lot anymore...
Goodnight, Aeonity.
mood: tired
music: After All That, It's Come To This by Amos The Transparent
(1) comments

Longest post I've ever made.

Dec 5th, 2010 12:04:01 am - Subscribe

losethatshadow: Let's go on a road trip, yeah? I know we never actually will, but we can plan it and make ourselves miserable. Yeaaaaaahhhh.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
losethatshadow: Okay, well, on our hypothetical road trip, what kind of car should we go in?
andrewfbaxter: Where would we hypothetically stay? Parkinglots or motels?
andrewfbaxter: How far are we going, assuming we'd be hypothetically starting from the same place.
losethatshadow: Both, and as far as it will take us.
andrewfbaxter: We're not coming back?
andrewfbaxter: "Nevar."
andrewfbaxter: D:
losethatshadow: Hahahah we'll just drive into the sunset.
losethatshadow: Lets go in a volvo 850 turbo. Hahah.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
andrewfbaxter: Yeah!
andrewfbaxter: That's a really good idea.
andrewfbaxter: Although..
andrewfbaxter: I have no idea why you would suggest that.
andrewfbaxter: My idea's better.
losethatshadow: Hahahah.
andrewfbaxter: I'm thinking like what Kelso had.
andrewfbaxter: That'd work.
losethatshadow: Yeah.
losethatshadow: DUDE. Let's go in a vista cruiser. WE CAN CRUISE. THE. VISTA.
andrewfbaxter: Hahahaha.
andrewfbaxter: No.
andrewfbaxter: I want the van.
losethatshadow: Uggghh you're no fun.
andrewfbaxter: The vista cruiser is cool and all but it's not realistic, especially for our hypothetical scenario.
losethatshadow: Fiiiyyyunnnhhh.
losethatshadow: Okay, Kelso first had a Dodge A100 and then a Volkswagen Samba Bus.
losethatshadow: Volkswagen Samba Buses look way cooler.
andrewfbaxter: Then that.
losethatshadow: So then where do you want to go?
andrewfbaxter: Michigan.
andrewfbaxter: I actually don't care.
losethatshadow: Hahah why would we go to Michigan?
andrewfbaxter: Why not?
losethatshadow: Because there's nothing in Michigan worth going for. But I suppose we could.
losethatshadow: So you could come and get me and Sasha...actually, I could come and get Sasha and then you because I want to go to Seattle.
andrewfbaxter: No..
andrewfbaxter: I want to go to CA again.
andrewfbaxter: My wants are greater than yours.
andrewfbaxter: So there.
losethatshadow: Grrr.
losethatshadow: Whatever, whatever. You can come get us and then on the way back we'll go to Seattle while dropping you off.
andrewfbaxter: Dropping me off?
andrewfbaxter: I'm the only one who can drive.
andrewfbaxter: Hahahahaha.
losethatshadow: But I feel like it's weird if we get like dropped off seperately...Like there should be one, definitive moment where it ends.
losethatshadow: But you won't be by the time this hypothetical road trip could happen.
andrewfbaxter: That's true.
andrewfbaxter: Okay..
andrewfbaxter: I'm the only one I trust driving.
losethatshadow: Hahaha too damn bad.
andrewfbaxter: D;
andrewfbaxter: You're right. It'd be a very slow road trip if I was the only one driving.
losethatshadow: Hmmm....I don't want to go all the way to Illinois to get Hannah, because then she'd miss out on a bunch of the trip...
losethatshadow: She could fly from O'hare to LAX.
andrewfbaxter: Are you making a cheesy song reference?
losethatshadow: No?
losethatshadow: But anywayyy.
losethatshadow: Then we could go to Vegas.
andrewfbaxter: Will we all be 21 by this time?
andrewfbaxter: Or just me?
losethatshadow: Yeah, but probably not Hannah. Haha.
losethatshadow: She can be our designated driver.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
andrewfbaxter: Yeah!
losethatshadow: Poor Hannah, hahah.
andrewfbaxter: She might be bothered that she'd have to make sure none of us did anything stupid, but I think she wold secretly like it.
losethatshadow: Hahaahah yeah, probably.
losethatshadow: So then we could drive through Texas and try to eat one of those giant steaks that you get your picture on the wall for.
losethatshadow: And we could time it so we're in Louisiana for Mardi Gras.
andrewfbaxter: Haha.
andrewfbaxter: You've really thought about this a lot, huh?
losethatshadow: Hahah no, but I am now.
andrewfbaxter: You're good at planning.
losethatshadow: OH and we can all get aviator glasses and be all badass on the dusty roads and stuff hahahah.
andrewfbaxter: Hahahaha.
andrewfbaxter: Duh.
losethatshadow: And we're going to need a really long road trip playlist so no one gets sick of the music.
andrewfbaxter: Maps just came on.
andrewfbaxter: What's it even about?
losethatshadow: Okay so Louisiana, and then...Mississippi, and we can be all "Ew, frog legss!" and shit.
losethatshadow: And then Alabama, Georgia.
andrewfbaxter: Hahha.
andrewfbaxter: I'm afraid to go there with a bunch of white girls.
losethatshadow: And then Florida and Disneyworld and Epcott and Miami and stuff.
andrewfbaxter: Wait..
andrewfbaxter: What time of year will this be?
andrewfbaxter: By the time we get to Florida?
losethatshadow: Uhhh idk, when's mardi gras?
losethatshadow: March 8.
andrewfbaxter: When will we leave?
losethatshadow: February, maybe.
andrewfbaxter: You think we can get to Louisiana in a month?
andrewfbaxter: I mean..
andrewfbaxter: We can.
losethatshadow: Yeah.
andrewfbaxter: But aren't we going to stop places in between?
losethatshadow: Yes. But not for longer than a couple days.
andrewfbaxter: D;
andrewfbaxter: That's so tiresome.
losethatshadow: You think we should leave in January?
andrewfbaxter: That way we could end off winter in the hot states.
andrewfbaxter: Hahahah.
losethatshadow: You and Hannah could come to California for new years and then we could leave.
andrewfbaxter: Yeah!
losethatshadow: So we could leave January 2nd or 3rd or something, and then go to Vegas for a few days.
losethatshadow: And then east coast. Stop somewhere in Virginia, New Jersey, Boston, New York. Maine's pretty.
andrewfbaxter: I'm sorry, I want to go around DC and the Smithsonian.
losethatshadow: Don't be sorry, that's perfect.
andrewfbaxter: Martha's Vineyard?
andrewfbaxter: I have a friend who goes every year
andrewfbaxter: and it sounds pretty interesting.
losethatshadow: We should pick pictures or scenes from movies or TV shows and then when we happen to be in the state we're in we'll reinact them. Hahahah.
losethatshadow: Yeah, I've been.
losethatshadow: And I want to go to Indiana, to James Dean's grave.
andrewfbaxter: Right.
andrewfbaxter: And Sasha could wear a hat and carry a whip and say she's Indiana Jones.
losethatshadow: Right.
andrewfbaxter: Right.
losethatshadow: We should go to Graceland. And Neverland. And every land. Hahah.
andrewfbaxter: Well, I think we'll be covering most 'lands' when we go to disneyland.
losethatshadow: Do you want to go to Disneyland ~and Disneyworld?
andrewfbaxter: Right.
losethatshadow: There's a distinction.
andrewfbaxter: I've never been to disneyworld?
andrewfbaxter: So I don't know what's there?
losethatshadow: Me neither.
andrewfbaxter: Oh. The Harry Potter land thing is in Disneyworld.
losethatshadow: But it's like 6 times the size of Disneyland.
andrewfbaxter: o:
losethatshadow: And no, that's a different park. But we're going to that too.
andrewfbaxter: Okay.
andrewfbaxter: This is going to cost so much money.
losethatshadow: And we shall drink butterbeer. And you'll hate it, and I'll laugh.
losethatshadow: Yeah. Save up.
losethatshadow: Hypothetically.
losethatshadow: That's why we're sleeping in the Samba.
losethatshadow: And rarely eating.
andrewfbaxter: Rarely eating?
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha
andrewfbaxter: If we go down south, we're going to be eating non-stop.
losethatshadow: Well that giant steak has to last you until Mississippi, so don't burn any calories. Hahaha.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
andrewfbaxter: We'd probably eat a ton of fast food.
andrewfbaxter: We're all going to gain 10 million lbs.
losethatshadow: You can run next to the car to stay in shape.
losethatshadow: Hahah.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
losethatshadow: Or maybe it'll be like in Little Miss Sunshine and we'll have to push the car every time we want it to go and we'll stay fit.
andrewfbaxter: I hope not.
andrewfbaxter: That sounds like a bitch.
losethatshadow: So then we can go to Chicago, and then what?
losethatshadow: Well Ohio, Indiana, then Illinois
andrewfbaxter: Are we dropping Hannah off on the way back or is she coming back to CA and flying home?
andrewfbaxter: So there's an 'end' ?
losethatshadow: Back to California.
losethatshadow: I want an official end.
andrewfbaxter: Right. Since hypothetical plane tickets arent that expensive.
losethatshadow: Exactly.
losethatshadow: I'm sure she'll end up making more money than any of us anyway. Hahah.
andrewfbaxter: Hahaha.
losethatshadow: Then where?
andrewfbaxter: Are we stopping to see things like the Grand Canyon and all those weird landmarks?
losethatshadow: If you want.
andrewfbaxter: I don't really care to be honest.
losethatshadow: Where is the Grand Canyon?
andrewfbaxter: Fiona, it's the Grand Canyon!
losethatshadow: I know. I've been.
losethatshadow: Hahahah.
andrewfbaxter: /:
andrewfbaxter: I was like..
andrewfbaxter: Seriously?
andrewfbaxter: T_T
losethatshadow: I seriously don't know where it is though. I am the worst at geography.
andrewfbaxter: It's in like.. the top corner of AZ.
losethatshadow: Okay.
losethatshadow: So Illinois, cut across Missouri, Kansas, Colorado
losethatshadow: Four corners, Grand Canyon, all that jazz.
andrewfbaxter: Sure.
losethatshadow: And then we're back in California.
andrewfbaxter: Yep.
losethatshadow: Maybe 6 or 7 months later.
losethatshadow: And that's it, I guess.
andrewfbaxter: Well, that was fun.
losethatshadow: Yeah...
andrewfbaxter: Haha.
andrewfbaxter: Next, we'll go up to Alaska.
mood: hypothetically excited
music: Float On by Modest Mouse
(1) comments

Accomplishments are transient

Nov 14th, 2010 12:52:17 pm - Subscribe

Hm...what should I blog about?
See, blogs are for people who have something to say on a regular basis. Why did I even start this in the first place?
I guess I could just talk about what I did this weekend.
Wednesday was the last day of school this week, because we had Thursday and Friday off. So I watched Sweeney Todd with Jill, Marina, Rachel, and Sara. And then I went with Rachel to this like dance class thing she has to teach, but it turned out she didn't have to teach it. So we went and got hot wings, which was an adventure all it's own. Hahah it took like half an hour to find the place and get a parking spot. Apparently hot wings are more popular than I thought.
Nah, it was next to Condem Revolution, so.
But then we went back to Rachel's house and Grant came over and we listened to Celine Dion and the first Harry Potter soundtrack.
And then on Thursday, I didn't do much. But I went and saw Inception again with Rachel, Jill, Mattie, and Breeanna.
And on Friday, I went to Hannah's house and me, Hannah, Mattie, and Shane painted a door. One side was all purple and aqua and green splatter paint, and the other was black and green and orange spray painted with our initials and stuff. And then Shane drove us to Taco Bell. And then we watched Young Frankenstein. And then Mattie was a huge cockblock. And then I watched Coraline while everyone fell asleep, and that movie is freaking scary. And then I fell asleep on the floor.
And then on Saturday, we decided to see who could eat the most chocolate chip pancakes. Mattie won. I ate 5. And then Hannah was like "Want to go on the trampoline?" and I was like "Want me to throw up in your socks?"
So we went on the trampoline.
And then I went home and had a shower and sat around for a while. And then at like 8 me, Mattie, Sara, and Rachel went over to Grant's house and we watched The Ring.
And now it's Sunday. And I'll be doing homework and chores all day.

I think this weekend was kind of a success.
It was alright.
mood: sated
music: The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is in the Dose by Circa Survive
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A ticket costs only your mind.

Nov 7th, 2010 1:20:46 am - Subscribe

So I'm feeling weird and hazy right now. This might be a weird post, I don't know.
I guess I could just tell you about my day.
My first real teenager day. I mean, I've been a teenager for a while now but I didn't really feel like it.
But today I went to the beach with Jill and Hannah and Hannah's crush-sort-of-guy Shane and his friend Derek. They're seniors, so it's semi-weird that Shane and Hannah have a thing because Shane could easily get any girl he wants, but I guess he gets nervous around girls or something?
Whatever, so we went to the beach and then Shane drove us in his adorable little Scion (hah) to In-N-Out and we played questions and then we went to Derek's house and went in the jacuzzi. And then I went home, took a shower, and me, Rachel, Hannah, and Grant went to the Bayside concert.
I don't know, it all sounds very normal. And that's kind of why it was weird. I don't often do normal things. I don't know, just...weird.
mood: sleepless
music: My Name Is Jonas by Weezer
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The only sound in my head was a dying cricket in a jar.

Oct 31st, 2010 12:23:24 am - Subscribe

I've been feeling very something lately...
Not a good kind of something. Actually, it might be the absence of something. Except exhaustion. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, all that shit. I'm just weirded out by everything. And I've lost hope in everything.
And I know I'll be all happy tomorrow because it's Halloween, but it'll be shortlived. By Monday I'll be just as dead inside as I am now.
Okay, dead inside is a little dramatic, but I'm getting there. I think my heart is breaking?
I don't know...there's no one big thing that has happened lately but I think all the little things have been kind of putting little cracks in me. I'm splintering.
mood: despondent
music: Flowers Grow Out Of My Grave by Dead Man's Bones
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Deck. We are the deck. This deck counted to infinity, and back down to one.

Oct 16th, 2010 3:15:34 pm - Subscribe

So hey.
I'm feeling kind of groggy right now, but in a good way. Not a talk-to-me-and-I'll-rip-your-head-off way, more like a whoo-lets-party sort of way, except not that party-ish. Apparently a run-on-sentence sort of way.
Anyway, this week went by so slowly. But I talked to Andrew, and for some reason I have peace of mind now. I don't worry about him not coming back anymore.
I want him to, but I'm not worried about it. I don't think of him as much, which sounds like a bad thing, but it's really not. Because if I'm thinking about him, I'm worrying about him.
And then last night I went to a Frightened Rabbit concert at the HOB with Rachel. It was her first concert. It was pretty awesome. Like, very very awesome. I'm not a very descriptive type of person right now, but whatever. And then we went to Carls Jr. at one, and then we came home. I thought I would fall asleep right away, because I was so tired, but I didn't. I actually couldn't sleep because I was so happy. Hahah.
And then I didn't go to my group meeting thing for English, and now, instead of going to the homecoming dance,
mood: groggy
music: Footshooter by Frightened Rabbit
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This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

Oct 4th, 2010 11:45:06 pm - Subscribe

So this is what I did today:
I woke up, feeling like death.
Went to zero period and... I'm not sure I did anything but sit around.
And then we had an hour because it was modified day and zero period kids don't get to sleep in, they just get to wake up at the same time and sit around for an hour after zero before first because schools are EVIL. So I joined Michael's fan page on facebook and watched youtube videos with Mattie and Hannah.
And then I went to PE, and Jade told me about her awkward date.
And then I went to Spanish, where I didn't do anything, because I never do.
And then I went to math and we took a quiz thing and oh yeah, proofs can kiss my ass.
And then I went to photo and Natalie made me go with her to take a picture but I left her by herself in the darkroom because I wanted to listen to my music.
And then it was lunch and I was freezing. And Sara tried to make me move my bag so she could sit next to me, but she's annoying me lately so I wouldn't move it so she hit me and I hit her back. FUCK HER. SERIOUSLY. I've only been nice-ish to her recently because of Kody, but she doesn't even care anymore so it's whatever.
And then I went to english and I fawned over young Val Kilmer. And talked to Michael about his fan club. He was all embarassed hahah he's so cute.
And then I went to history and we played Jeopardy. And I was feeling way more talkative than usual, so I talked.
And then I came home and ate some Chex Mix (snack mix of the gods), did some homework, made Rachel her CD. It's called Happy Happy Fun Time Volume Two: The Shabbily Made But I Used My Last Blank CD On This So You Better Appreciate It Edition.
I still have to finish writing the track listing thing.

So that's what I did today.

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart... I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

mood: bleh
music: Oh My God by Ida Maria
(8) comments

Did I disappoint you?

Sep 22nd, 2010 11:48:00 pm - Subscribe

I was at a New Year's party but it was 1945 or something but it didn't seem like it. Everyone was all modern and normal.
But it was like a minute or two until midnight and I was standing by myself waiting for Sasha, Hannah and Andrew.
And then it was midnight and everyone was hugging and kissing and singing and whatnot, but they never showed up.
So I was really sad and I started walking down the street and I was really really cold, so cold I thought my blood would freeze. And then I thought I was crying, but it was just raining. And I was thinking "Shit. Shit. Shit." Over and over again, but backwards, like "Tihs. Tihs. Tihs."
And then there was this black SUV at the side of the road and I looked in and Hannah, Andrew, and Sasha were all sitting in there, like smiling and playing video games or something, and I got sadder. And so I kept walking, and eventually it was snowing and I fell asleep in the snow on someone's front lawn.
And then I woke up.
mood: withdrawn
music: One by U2
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In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.

Sep 18th, 2010 5:04:45 pm - Subscribe

I've been thinking about how similar we are, but in different stages.
You are you, I am me, and she is herself. But I was you once, and so was she. And then she was me, and now she is herself.
So it stands to reason that soon enough you will be me, I will be her, and...who knows who she'll be. And eventually you will be her, who knows who I'll be, and she'll be something none of us can even fathom.
Maybe one day she'll stop, and then I'll get there and stop, and then you'll get there and stop, and we'll all align.
Hm. It's a weird thought.
mood: cautious
music: Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons
(1) comments

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