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The Beast has come again. Earlier than I anticipated. I don't know how I feel about it, really. I don't know how I feel about most things. I'm sure I have feelings about things somewhere, I just don't know where they are right now. I've misplaced my feelings. Maybe I should put out an ad in the paper. Hah. |
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I feel like I should say something. But my head, it doesn't really know about words... It's more like I think in colors. How do you describe a color? You can say an apple is red, grass is green, the sky is blue...But that doesn't explain anything. I suppose I could just talk about what's going on in my life (although it's not much) and you could just assume I feel the way you would feel if you were in the same situation.. Well, school. School's alright. I don't have a whole lot of homework so far. I don't have a whole lot of friends either. None of my best friends are in any of my classes except my zero period, which is the newspaper. So life is pretty lonely. And I'm not the kind of person who's afraid to be alone. I'm fine by myself. It's just a really long time to be by yourself and everyone around you has someone to be un-alone with, you know? I'm so freaking tired. Just drained. Sunday afternoons make me cry. I cry a lot, actually, because I'm so tired. And apparently cancers cry at the drop of a hat, according to my english teacher. But I usually don't. You know what I really want? I want so desperately to fall asleep watching Mary Poppins in my friend's garage. I want to ride my bike to rite-aid in the middle of the night with a friend to pick up Redbull for mormons. I want to run down the street with cans of silly string. I want to sit on a park bench and do Baloo impressions. I want to cut up t-shirts in the backyard. I want to stay up all night taking pictures on the computer and hacking a friend's Facebook so it looks like she's in love with the chubby kid. I want to watch stupid "scary" movies and drink punch. I want to jump over the ditch fence and get yelled at by some random guy. I want to laugh and play on the swing outside that kid's house for half an hour at 3 in the morning. I want to scream. |
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I've been thinking about how similar we are, but in different stages. You are you, I am me, and she is herself. But I was you once, and so was she. And then she was me, and now she is herself. So it stands to reason that soon enough you will be me, I will be her, and...who knows who she'll be. And eventually you will be her, who knows who I'll be, and she'll be something none of us can even fathom. Maybe one day she'll stop, and then I'll get there and stop, and then you'll get there and stop, and we'll all align. Hm. It's a weird thought. |
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I was at a New Year's party but it was 1945 or something but it didn't seem like it. Everyone was all modern and normal. But it was like a minute or two until midnight and I was standing by myself waiting for Sasha, Hannah and Andrew. And then it was midnight and everyone was hugging and kissing and singing and whatnot, but they never showed up. So I was really sad and I started walking down the street and I was really really cold, so cold I thought my blood would freeze. And then I thought I was crying, but it was just raining. And I was thinking "Shit. Shit. Shit." Over and over again, but backwards, like "Tihs. Tihs. Tihs." And then there was this black SUV at the side of the road and I looked in and Hannah, Andrew, and Sasha were all sitting in there, like smiling and playing video games or something, and I got sadder. And so I kept walking, and eventually it was snowing and I fell asleep in the snow on someone's front lawn. And then I woke up. |