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| "It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss." |
Sep 15th, 2010 7:53:17 pm - Subscribe |
| I feel like I should say something. But my head, it doesn't really know about words... It's more like I think in colors. How do you describe a color? You can say an apple is red, grass is green, the sky is blue...But that doesn't explain anything. I suppose I could just talk about what's going on in my life (although it's not much) and you could just assume I feel the way you would feel if you were in the same situation.. Well, school. School's alright. I don't have a whole lot of homework so far. I don't have a whole lot of friends either. None of my best friends are in any of my classes except my zero period, which is the newspaper. So life is pretty lonely. And I'm not the kind of person who's afraid to be alone. I'm fine by myself. It's just a really long time to be by yourself and everyone around you has someone to be un-alone with, you know? I'm so freaking tired. Just drained. Sunday afternoons make me cry. I cry a lot, actually, because I'm so tired. And apparently cancers cry at the drop of a hat, according to my english teacher. But I usually don't. You know what I really want? I want so desperately to fall asleep watching Mary Poppins in my friend's garage. I want to ride my bike to rite-aid in the middle of the night with a friend to pick up Redbull for mormons. I want to run down the street with cans of silly string. I want to sit on a park bench and do Baloo impressions. I want to cut up t-shirts in the backyard. I want to stay up all night taking pictures on the computer and hacking a friend's Facebook so it looks like she's in love with the chubby kid. I want to watch stupid "scary" movies and drink punch. I want to jump over the ditch fence and get yelled at by some random guy. I want to laugh and play on the swing outside that kid's house for half an hour at 3 in the morning. I want to scream. |
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| mood: uninspired music: Moth's Wings by Passion Pit |
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| The Beast Part II |
Sep 5th, 2010 2:28:44 pm - Subscribe |
| The Beast has come again. Earlier than I anticipated. I don't know how I feel about it, really. I don't know how I feel about most things. I'm sure I have feelings about things somewhere, I just don't know where they are right now. I've misplaced my feelings. Maybe I should put out an ad in the paper. Hah. |
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| mood: distracted music: Be Less Rude by Frightened Rabbit |
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| In my dreams we're still screaming |
Aug 22nd, 2010 10:58:24 pm - Subscribe |
| I just remembered the dream I had last night. Well some of it, anyway. I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Last night's lasted like a week in dream time. I remember I found a cell phone in a hotel room out in the wilderness. It was winter and there was a lot of snow. It was just one room, on a plain covered in snow. It was empty inside except for a bed. Everything inside was the same creamy off-white color except for the cellphone, which was orange. So I picked up the phone and hid it in my pocket and went home. It wasn't winter at home, but then it wasn't my home either. I'd never seen it before, but my mother was there. I sat in the living room and looked through the phone, found out things about the person who owned it. My mother came into the room a couple of times and I hid it from her. I wasn't supposed to have it. And this is where my memory gets a little fuzzy. I think there was a story on the news about the phone having been stolen. My mother seemed to know that it was me who had it, but I didn't confess. I tried to put it back in the room on the plain, but my mother was waiting there for me with a mean smile on her face. And then I woke up. |
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| mood: alone music: The Suburbs by Arcade Fire |
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| Sometimes I just move my mouth and hope words will come out. |
Aug 16th, 2010 2:41:25 am - Subscribe |
| I don't know why I'm posting this. But it seems like the trendy thing to do, so here. If I met you guys...I'd probably just stand around awkwardly and feel inadequate while you talked. And that's my official opinion on the matter. |
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| mood: teeth-clickin' music: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine |
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| I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live. |
Jul 30th, 2010 12:03:53 am - Subscribe |
| "Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." |
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| mood: perturbed |
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| I can't decide on a bloody title. |
Jul 19th, 2010 1:32:26 am - Subscribe |
| I just finished watching Remember Me... And I think... Ugh, I don't even want to admit it. Okay, I'll do it quick. Like a band-aid. Ithinki'vedevelopedabitofathingforrobpattinson. There. I said it. How am I ever going to live this one down? But I mean, I can't help it! Did you see that movie?? It hit me right here. (I'm tapping on my chest, by the way) I don't know what it was about him in that movie...I don't know, him yelling at his father kind of turned me on. Hahah. But in a totally not cheap-sounding sort of way. Like, not in a "I would like to have sex with this man" sort of way, more of a "I would like to have coffee with this man" sort of way... But then again, that may have been just because he was playing someone other than himself... In which case I've got a thing for Tyler Hawkins; fictional character. It would definitely not be the first time I've fallen for fiction. |
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| mood: nutty music: Indigo by Tom Milsom |
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| I've got this disease that I can't shake and I'm just rattling through life |
Jul 15th, 2010 10:24:03 pm - Subscribe |
| So hey. I don't really have much to say, but I figured I could just babble for a while... But see, when I babble it usually doesn't make any sense because I'm not really talking about anything that anyone understands other than me... I have this friend who I've known for years and she keeps saying she doesn't really know me. And she's right. So she started asking me my opinions on stuff, and I realized just why she doesn't know me. It's because there's not much to know. And I know that I'm a master at self-deprecation and whatnot, but I really see this as more of a fact than just being conscious of my shortcomings or whatever. Because I really don't have an opinion. Yeah, I like ice cream and Aladdin and I don't like country music and math, but that's the easiest kind of stuff to make your mind up about. They're unimportant. It's the important things that I just kind of wave aside because I'm too wishy washy and afraid of being wrong to form an opinion on them. And plus, I just don't know. I know plenty of things. How many feet in a mile, who invented scissors, the average memory span of a goldfish (not 3 seconds, by the way). But I don't really know the kind of stuff that nobody else would know...Like the stuff about me, I guess. I'm just as clueless about myself as everyone else is. |
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| mood: clueless music: The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit |
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| Let's call me a baptist, call this the drowning of the past |
Jun 24th, 2010 12:38:27 pm - Subscribe |
| It's almost scary how fast I've turned into a different person. But it is good. It is SO. GOOD. I feel like a whole new woman. Hahah. And not just because of my new hair or contacts or whatever, but I feel like someone else. And whoever the heck I am, they are HAPPY. It's the strangest thing. I think maybe this is the real me, and school just weighs me down. And then I sink to the bottom and it lets me go and I just whoosh right up to the surface again. Whatever it is, I will never be ready for school again. I think I'm just going to ignore the fact that school still exists, kay? Kay. |
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| mood: wonderful music: Swim Until You Can't See Land by Frightened Rabbit |
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| Quiet little voices creep into my head, I'm young again. |
Jun 9th, 2010 7:01:55 pm - Subscribe |
| So my freshman year is over in 6 days... I don't really know where it went. And I don't really care. It just sucked, is all. And I know that's my fault for not making it good or whatever, but I do have certain disadvantages. Glasses, braces, a generally nerdy demeanor, etc. And so I don't really like to talk to people because I know they just think I'm a huge dork or whatever. But I'm getting contacts this summer. And I'm going to try to change myself. And I know that everyone is going to give me all that "you're fine just the way you are" shit that everyone always talks about but can never really follow themselves, but I just don't care anymore. I'm a hypocrite, and I know it, but I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. And that's the problem. But maybe one day I'll be fixed. And I don't want to wait around for that day anymore. |
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| mood: somber music: Quiet Little Voices by We Were Promised Jetpacks |
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| Watch the world move faster than we do |
May 24th, 2010 7:42:33 pm - Subscribe |
| It isn't in the mirror, it isn't on the page It's a red hearted vibration Pushing through the walls of dark imagination Finding no equation There's a red road rage, But it's not road rage It's asylum seekers engulfed by a grudge Scottish friction, Scottish fiction It isn't in the castle, it isn't in the mist It's a calling of the waters as they break to show The new black death with reactors aglow Do you think your obscurity can keep you in purity? You will not shake us off Above or below Scottish friction, Scottish fiction |
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| mood: nothing music: In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction by Idlewild |
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