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i've been in a writing mood all day. it began this morning when i was listening to cradle of filth's Midian album and suddenly four verses popped into my head. i scratched them into my notebook and since then, everything's been inspiring me. thank you, Dani Davey, your voice is ultimately inspiring. we had a sex assembly today. it was fantastic... and sad sort of. tales of abortions and breakups and mean tricks. i got misty-eyed. but i didn't cry. i'm going to see my mother this weekend. it should be all right. going to my grandmother's with her, which makes it better. i miss her, and i miss that house, even though... it's only grandma. it's been that way for a couple years now, but... it still feels so empty in there. ummm. so i'm beginning to feel the acidy effects of smarties on my throat. it's not a pleasant feeling. i've got powerade to wash it down, even though that doesn't really help much either. it's the purple-blue kind, and powerade is amazing because it actually tastes like the color. the one i have tastes like purple. i don't know how to explain it. i'm going to write a song called "the taste of purple". inspiring. i've got nothing else, really. my relationship with joshua will reach 5 months on the 11th. that's cool to know. we had a really nice talk lastnight because i was being all... girlish. and emotional. again. but he knows how to make me feel better, so yeah, i guess it all works out. kay well. bye now. |
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Mood: meh current question on the gray matter:: how does powerade know what colors TASTE like?? |
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lately i've been on this weird lyrical rampage. i can't ever write out a whole song, which sucks so very badly, but i end up putting out these random verses. it's pissing me off, folks. i get all inspired and in the mood, and then i can't even write. it's the worst affliction, EVER. ugh. i wrote this totally violent, twisted chunk of lyrics this morning. it's only four verses, but it's packed full of misery and love and sadism and morbidity and hatred... i'm not even sure who i'm writing it for, or what, for that matter, but it's all just twisted up and schizophrenic. i'm not sure what makes me write the things i do, or where i trace back my inspiration. i get inspired and start writing this nice song or whatever and then i start writing more verses and it suddenly turns into some gory hate anthem or some sarcastic mess. i mean, i started writing this song as a twisted love song and then it turned into how i felt about every guy that's ever treated me like crap. so now it's beginning to unfurl into this murderous, sick little rhyme. "screams resounding off the walls bleeding bitemarks on your balls with every stroke and every slice i want to love but hurt will suffice" not exactly your average hate anthem these days, right? not your run-of-the-mill, hating-your-exes type of thing. this runs deep, and what's worse is that i absolutely love where it's going. i want to make every guy that's ever hurt me to feel it, and it's a horrendous thought process but it makes for a deliciously agonizing lyrical piece. which, i would never want to love one of my exes ever again, because i'm in love with Joshua, and he beats my exes combined and multiplied by ten. but there's still that anger. i think i'm feeling that rage all over again because the other day one of my exes tried to convince me to let him get me stoned in the woods, and i wouldn't. and i think he talked to his buddy about asking me back out. LIKE THE WHOLE MESS OF EMOTIONAL TORTURE YOU PUT ME THROUGH WASN'T ENOUGH! you have to come back and try to ruin me again! i don't want you, i don't want to see your face, i don't want to sit in front of you in class and try to ignore the fact that you totally obliterated my self-confidence for the longest time AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE A PLAYTHING. i want to rip you to pieces. ...anyway. i dunno why the nighttime brings the rage out in me. but it does. and now i feel stupid for that whole entry, and i almost just deleted it, but i think you can all handle it, so screw that. goodnight. |
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Mood: tired and angsty current question on the gray matter:: will i be able to actually write a full song soon? |
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so let's review lastnight. i stayed up until like 2:45 or 3 AM online, which made my head numb and dizzy. i wanted to continue reading Marilyn Manson's autobiography, but my head was swimming and i could only go through an issue of JANE before i tried falling asleep on the couch. i decided that it was not going to suffice, so i turned off the TV and went into the guest bedroom (remember, i'm at Gramma's right now) and slept i there. so i woke up at 8:something feeling dirty and sick in my stomach. i turned over onto my stomach to will the ache away, and found that Cady was also awake. we talked for a few minutes and she decided to get up. i moved myself over to her side of the bed and fell asleep again for a couple of hours. when i woke up, the stomach ache was still there, and i felt like grease must feel if it was human. in my stomach, on my skin, on my hair. i'm sure it wasn't that disgusting, but i felt like a worm. so i ate some breakfast and got into the shower. didn't feel nearly as greasy afterward. i discovered that Joshua left two more browning bruises on the ball of my shoulder. so we took a trip to Lincoln Park. i took great nature photos and we scratched our fingers up on the rocks looking for clam holes, crabs, and neat shells or rocks. whenever we saw a tiny mound or a hole in the sand, we jabbed a stick into it and water would spurt out, sometimes a few feet into the air. we also found anenomes, which i touched obsessively. they were little ones, and i wish i has them in a fishbowl or something so they could suck on my fingertips all the time. it's neat. so we drove home and Cady and i took stupid pictures in the back of the car. then we got home, i felt a little dizzy, and i laid down for a minute and talked to Josh on the phone. and the whole beach thing just made me feel good inside again. i don't feel all scatterbrained and schizo like lastnight. that turned into a long rambling thing, but i felt poetic and wordy, so i typed anyway. more later maybe. all i wanna do is put on makeup, go out with some friends, and freak out some strangers. really badly. or, i want to lay under the stars and fall asleep in someone's arms. hey Josh. you wanna? nitey-nite. |
| i apologize for the previous night's entry. it was really late and i got all weird. |
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so i feel good and pissed off today. i'm not sure why... a lot of things have happened in the past 30 hours. should i start from the beginning? well, i woke up Sunday morning feeling sickly again. also, Cady got up and left again, and i fell back asleep again. i woke up for good and went into the kitchen, where a slice of puffed pancake was waiting for me. i ate it dry (no syrup or butter, like i do with everything pastry) and washed it down with um... coke? i think. anyway. so mom starts getting all stressed and power happy, telling us she needs a couple bucks from me and Cady for gas, and please help her out, blahblahblah, so i start packing my stuff and looking for a stray dollar (i don't end up finding it). i'm the only child being yelled at right now, because god forbid she would treat me like she treats Cady. so i pack my stuff and start putting it into the car, and she says something to the effect of, "Can't you at least be on my side right now? For once in your life, could you support me?" and i say, "Whatever." and turn away to walk into the house. she yells at me to knock off the attitude, so i say "whatever" a bit louder and slam the door behind me. so that's only one incident that morning though. she was treating me like crap all morning (anything new?) and acting like Cady was this naive, sensitive, godly creature. which, don't get me wrong, she's a great kid, but i'm her daughter too. and i knew Cady was uncomfortable, because she knows that mom favors her, too, even though she makes efforts to get mom to act equal. so anyway. mom acts all victimized and yells at me and eventually apologizes, which means nothing to me anymore because it's only a matter of time before i return to receive the same exact mental and emotional neglect and abuse. WHICH I WILL RETURN. i will feel bad if i leave my mother behind. i am willing to receive as much abuse as necessary so long as i experience those couple of moments of motherly love. you only get one birth mother, and i'm trying to make the best of it. wow. i sound so pathetic. but the only reason i write all that in here is because it's the only private journal i have--the only people that know about it are my boyfriend and i. everyone else is a stranger to me, so i don't care what they think or read. okay... so i came home and... was relieved, obviously... and my dad gave Cady and i each a bouquet of roses. i got red ones, Cady yellow. i was shocked (and totally pleased) and i was like, "Why'd you get us roses?" and he just smiled and said that we're caught up on money problems and he felt like buying us roses. AH. it was so nice. i love my dad so much. and then later on in the night, he got a phone call while we were watching a movie from his mother, my grandmother (a different one than the one i visited this weekend). apparently grandpa has had a heart attack, so dad and Julie (stepmom) take Taylor (baby sister) to go to the hospital. Cady and i stay home and eventually Cady goes to bed. i try to stay up, because Dad said he'd call as soon as he could. i tried to finish up some homework (unsuccessful mission, by the way) and decide that at the ungodly hour of 11:30 pm (hahahahaha) i am too tired to stay up. i took the phone into my bedroom and tried to sleep. a half hour later, dad calls and pulls me out of some weird waking dream i had, and i go back to sleep again. i wake up at one in the morning when he comes home, and talk to him. i have to lean against the wall, because i feel like i'm going to collapse and die for some reason. so i go back to bed (Julie and Taylor stayed with grandma to comfort her). okay so i woke up this morning and decided to go back to sleep for just like, five more minutes. well, it turns into about TWENTY-five more, and Cady wakes me up and i scramble to get ready. i go to school pissed off. i've decided that today is a day for mayhem. i am pissed. songwriting happens today. whatever. i've written too much. bye. |
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Mood: pissed off current question on the gray matter:: will i actually write songs this time, or just plan to and ignore my plans like i usually do? i am a dumbass. |