Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

---------


I am exhausted. And I have seemingly given up the fight. The ability to fight for injustice. I just simply live. I wake up, go to work, eat, go home, eat, see the boy that is mildly indifferent, go to bed alone.

I live in the eye of the storm, living a life that is neither fantastic, nor horrific. I would like to say that I am happy, but I'm slowly becoming fed up. I'm tired of all these stupid expectations.

I want to go home at the end of a shitty day and partake in some bed shaking. I long to walk around stark naked. I desire to be admired, and to do the things I like without fear of judgement.

Reading my shitty comic books

Drinking my sugarfree hot cider

Watching silly depressing movies

Listening to my music

Playing silly RPG videogames

I want. I want. I WANT. WANTWANTWANWTAWATWNAWNANWANT.

I want sleep. I want new tires. I want sex. I want solitude and friendship and acceptance and hesitations and no more debt and bigger paychecks and Fantastia and Chicken Noodle Soup and love.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the positive...
-

It seems like I don't have anything world altering, or thrilling to share. I feel like my life should be snappier.

We live in a world of Current Facebook Updates, and Tweets and yet my life just plods along.

Unlike high school self, sort-of-grown-up-self is not thrilled by every wayward glance, nor is she half as hopeful for a perfect relationship, and no financial worries, and a beautiful home and a great job and the right clothes. She is more realistic than that.

She doesn't have a snappy update for twitter every hour on the hour. Her facebook profile doesn't make me happy, nor sad.

I am average. She is average. Average. Why is that word so devastating? So- unsettling? And yet, if average is just that... then by standard... what is extraordinary?

I am not special. Not really. My interests, my knowledge, is shared by hundreds. Likely more than that. My genetics are slightly unique, but I am just parts of others.

I am me. Which happens to be pretty average.
Perhaps a little more introverted than most.
But wholly uninteresting.
-

Creates the look I dare acheive.
They make me smile, and swoon and check,
Still my beating heart.

They are blue ones,
Gray and orange,
Dance lightly in a wreath.

The knot, tied tight,
Clinches around my windpipe in a lazy sense,
Too tired to try and close the deal.

Too tired to dry and wilt,
Too tired to let me rest.
To sleep.

---

As of late I have been happy. In a romantic sense. By romantic, I mean romantiziced way. I live in a 'state of happiness'. Whatever the fuck that means these days. I guess I refer to the the preversion of self.

I have convinced myself that I am happy; therefore I am happy.

I ramble; therefore I am full of shit.

Chipped teacups. Floral print. Miniature buttons. Wide stripes. Bicycles. Birdcages and effortless tomes.

All things I surround myself mentally with. I am falling down the rabbit hole. Through the looking glass. I am slowly going mad, or coming sane.

These days, who can be certain which is which?
-

I've been waiting to watch 500 Days of Summer for almost a year now. I knew it would be one of those super cute movies, and Joesph Gordon-Levitt is my celeb crush, so how could it be wrong? Right?

It was like watching a fast forward of my life. A slightly altered flashback. A nighttime dream gone bad. I have this sick feeling like that is what I am doomed to. Heartache and woe.

Heartache and woe, heartache and woe.

I wish I was a more positive person. With an upbeat personality and quick witted lines and this unwavering sense of self. One where I knew who I was. Where I was going...

Instead I watch Hollywood movies and let them ruin my day. I am that sad.
-

Bruce Haack has a diiiirty voice.

"Lie Back, Lie Back, Lie Back, Nothing else for you to dooo...."

My birthday was a bust. The wedding was a fabulous drunk. The hangover day made me love him more than ever. And then Monday came and wrecked it all.

I wrecked it all. Why do I feel like I need to lie. It just makes me look guilty. Constantly. It was a simple little thing, but I know it makes him furious; why do I continually do it to myself? And to top it all off...

My bank account got drained by some scum of the earth hackers. Unimpressive. My rent was supposed to come out today, and instead I get an eviction notice. AWESOME.

I want it to be Sunday all over again. Potato Pancakes, and head pats, and dinner like we used to, and secret sleepovers and snuggly-laughs.

My new years resolution... I finally figured it out. I resolve to no longer lie. Not even white lies. Not even clear lies. Not even invisible lies.
I resolve to be up front with how I feel. No matter whose feelings get hurt.

Because I am tired of lying to myself.
-

Awkward.

Things in my life are almost always described as awkward. I suppose one could thusly deduce that I am an awkward sort.
I am so tired as of late, it’s nearly unbearable. It seems like I have a bajillion and twelve things on the go constantly. This month is always the one that stretches me the furthest.

May. The month of birthdays, weddings, graduations, camping, trips and heartache.

How’ve I missed thee.

For my birthday I want a few things:
A debt-free life
New bedding
A day devoted to me.

Perhaps a night of girly dancing and fruit-filled drinks?
Perhaps just a good nights’ sleep.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps I’ll grow up, and old and carelessly carefree.
-

I had the most awful night of my life on Thursday. The events were harmless and yet. Who lost out on an entire night's worth of sleep? Who actually had to break down and tell someone, something truthful about the issues in her life for once?

At first the flattery was nice. Yeah, of course you'd want to date me. Of course. Who wouldn't? I'm pretty okay.

But then when I got home, all I could think of was three years prior. Three years ago when I deluded myself into your games. I couldn't stop thinking about how all I wanted for so long was your attention, and it actually caused me to doubt my current relationship. You truly are an evil sort.

Why do you bother me so much? I am hurt that you would ask me to casually sleep with you. Especially since you knew everything that was going on between me and Spence. This is why I avoided you for so long. You asked why we weren't friends anymore, you say you hate missed opportunities...

And yet you can toy with her emotions. Lead her on, just as you did me. With no worries. No emotion lost.

Well. Kind sir, I'm starting to piece your mindframe together...
I don't want to be with you.

Nope.

For once in my life, I can honestly say that I actually learned my lesson.
-

It’s that time of year again. The time of year where everything shakes up and you start to question why you’re stagnant.
Only not stagnant at all, are you?

No. In fact, your world is still spinning at breakneck speed, whirling out of control, and yet, it’s slowing down and you wonder why it doesn’t spin faster.
You joke constantly about quitting your job, and taking up an eating disorder. Hahaha. So funny. Isn’t it?
Well it certainly would be cheaper than paying for food, just giving it up entirely.

I have no idea what I want to accomplish. I have vague inclinations.
I know what life should entail.
And yet...
Getting what you want is never that easy is it?
Is it?
-

I am.

Entirely.

Classy.

All I want is to vanish for a month. And then I'll be fine. Life'll be on track.

Maybe that's what i'll do.
POOF

and then...
-

Easter was actually phenomenal. In a fabulous and shitty way.

Poor Bee got dumped out of the blue, and hard too. Luckily she has a few friends out here in Redneck Central, she came over for Easter dinner with us. Spent the day on Friday with the Exploding Redhead, and randomly decided to get an industrial.

On a whim. Then it was beer and manly persuits.

Saturday was a day for lost causes, and lost time. PStar built me a beach in my living room. Mexico ain't got nothing on my downtown apartment cabana. I also took Felicity on her first highway cruise, in the dark, out to the Farm.

Got a little intoxicated and had the best drunken snuggles yet.

Sunday ER and I cooked our first Turkey, and it wasn't even a bust! It was delicious and the gravy turned out. Turns out a bottle of Red, and a bottle of White mixed with Diddy is quite halarious.

Sadly our dinner guests were loads more entertaining than HotTub TimeMachine. But the company was good.

When the Wicked Witch of the Wretched moves out and on... My life will be one stones throw away from happiness.
-

The colour you're all dressed in...


Good Mourning is a fabulous cd. I missed it. And subsequently have been listening to it for most of the day.

What's black and white, and read all over?

So now Lindzay is being retarded over this Spencer situation. Is she jealous? All she does is bitch about how he's an awful friend. Did they sleep together? No. Then whats her issue?

I haven't been this happy in months. I felt like a communal water fountain. Want some? Take some. Used and unwanted. I felt like I had no substance, that it was always just a physical desire with these boys. I still maintain for as fucked up as everything has gotten, Spencer understands me best.

Maybe that's why he ran away in the first place.

Maybe I am just being foolish, but I would be quite pleased if this panned out. Our relationship is already better than it was the month before the break-up. Was it space we needed? Or is it just convieniant to be with me. With him?

Fucking doubts. But I suppose that's the price he'll pay for the break-down of my trust.

I don't want doubts. Just care about me. Kiss me goodbye.
Kiss me good.
-

I'm terrified. Scared absolutely shitless. But it seems like Spence and I are making an honest go of things. It's just building that trust, and finding each other, now that we're on slightly different tracks.

It's amazing, we've spent more quality time together in the past week, then the whole last month we were together. Maybe we did need this. I just hope he's not too scared to let himself maybe love me again one day.

I've been loads more optimistic, and hestitantly peachy. Even through the sickness.

The roommate situation is lovely. I love her without strings. All I hope is that this double boy conumdrum settles. Nell, your heart is too precious to hand out to just any bearded fool. I have a good feeling about this one, sometimes they just need a kick in the ass right?

I hope thats' all need.

Well, at least we'll be loved...
-

But don't worry it's a silent 'S'.

Why are all these stupid fuck boys all 'S' names. I'm short a Simon, Scott and a Skylar and I think I might've been persued by every 'S' name in the world.

All I want is simplicity. Contentment. It truly bothers me how dependent I've become on my phone lately. It's mostly healthy, but theres been a few moments where its' more than entirely self-destructive. Take Wednesday night for instance. I was so anxious to hear from you, that I literally made myself nauseated. I had to shut my phone off. OFF. And leave it at home so I wouldn't check it every thirty seconds.

Its' disgusting, and yet. I'm the only one doing to me. No one is even forcing this upon me. Just my snakey self pulling the rug out from under my dainty digits.

I watch myself banging my head into the wall repeatedly, brain matter washing down the white facade... And what am I getting out of this except a vicious headache?
Nothing.

But, maybe...

(The real answer here is nothing)
But...

-

I hate how disorganized I've become.

I need to motivate myself. Holy shit. I am on my way to Las Vegas in a few short weeks to party like a rockstar. I'm planning a haphazard March roadtrip for a weekend. I need my muffler to get fixed so I don't kill myself with CO2 poisoning while driving.

I need to finish moving my shit out of the Hellhole, and into the ghetto. Nellus and I are roommates like nekkid lezzies only dream of. Well...
When we're both home that is.

The Shaun situation is questionable. The Spencer situation is even more so. My upstairs neighbor is cute. And boys are making my life complicated.

I just want a boy that I like. To watch movies with. To snuggle on cold mornings. To enjoy butter chicken and silly dancing on my living room floor.

On who will bring me a single daisy for Valentine's Day, but not for that reason. But instead... just because.

One who doesn't only think of sex, and understands that it will come with time. That right now... It's just sort of...

Not in the cards.

I really only want things that are frivolous and yet meaningful.

I want to have a boy over for tea. To discuss the finer side of civil unrest.

I want...
-