femdandie's Blog

under the proverbial microscope.
Date: Mar 10th, 2006 2:58:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pissed and worried
current question on the gray matter:: am i...?

okay so i came home lastnight ready to make up my attitude to Julie. i came home, Cady and i offered to watch Taylor so she could nap, and we also did our chores after we played... and i made lunch for Taylor. so we did this, and then i offered to make dinner for them. so Cady and i made tacos for everyone, which made me feel good... i was in the mood to help out. so i did.

BUT... while i was in the middle of making the taco meat, i asked Julie about some curious bumps on my arm. i was wondering if they looked like bug bites, and there are like 9 or 10 of them on one arm. nowhere else, just that arm. they don't itch or hurt, so i was curious... so she asks to see the rest of my arm. i resist, because i need to keep my robe on to hide the bitemarks Josh had previously given me... as well as some old cuts on my left arm. yes, i've taken part in the same practice that i enthustiastically bash on. shut up.

so anyway, i let her examine my right arm, and she lifts up my sleeve and sees a part of a huge bruise on my shoulder. she started laughing, and i figured it was all right. so anyway she tried to look at the other arm and i kept resisting. so she looked. and saw. and i had to try to explain myself. but she was disappointed, and it basically set the mood for the rest of the night. i asked her if she could please not talk to dad about it, and she said she probably wouldn't. he wouldn't understand, i said. because that's precisely it.

so we eat dinner and conversation is fine, and later that night i'm called out to "have a chat". she tells me that the bruising has to stop, because it's inappropriate and trashy looking and leads to other things. okay. so then she tells me that if she sees.. cuts on my body again... she's going to never let me see or talk to Josh. no phone, no internet contact, no visiting him or vice versa.. she informs me that she's going to examine my body every day after school to check for bruises and cuts, and if she has to, she will have me expose my top to her.

CAN WE SAY BAD PARENTING AND EXTREMELY INVASIVE?

i mean, okay, maybe i shouldn't be letting Josh bite me so much. OKAY. but you know what, what i do in my own time is MY BUSINESS. i'm seventeen years old, and i believe that if i want to let my boyfriend of five months bite my neck sometimes i will let him. if i want to relieve the pain of something frustrating occasionally or dabble in masochistic practices, then i will.

it's none. of. your. business. we are very different people with very different backgrounds, and i respect yours so please respect mine.

anyway, i'm annoyed that i have to go through an EXAMINATION when i get home. i have enough things to worry about without worrying about my stepmom invading my personal life.

which, you know what, maybe i'm being a brat. maybe i'm being unfair. but i feel that i am justified in saying that she is invading my privacy, so i guess that's it.

i asked my dad this morning: "Dad, is she really going to like.. check my body everyday?" and he looked at me and replied: "Well, yeah, I guess so... I mean, you kinda left us no choice, you know?"

dad, please. you were extremely promiscuous as a teenager. i have a couple of bruises; i'm sure that if you tried you could sympathize.

but what do i know. i'm just the naive, degenerate teenage daughter. maybe they don't think i'm DEGENERATE exactly, but i always feel like a sinner at home. i can't help that.

i feel like a whiny kid in this entry, but... i don't care. i have other things to care about right now.



by the way. i'm proud to say that my grades are great.
Comments: (1)

crapcrapcrap
Date: Mar 9th, 2006 2:21:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: worried
current question on the gray matter:: no questions; i'm scared of the answer.

okay so basically this week is just stressful. grandpa has a heart attack, randy almost dies, i'm extremely worried about some personal matters, and... just... i dunno. in the end, i have these vital things to keep me going:

-the ability to rant about it for long periods of time

-josh and rem to whine to

-the small optimist inside that thinks about how much better next week is sounding already.

i wish i could elaborate on stuff, but i just can't. i just want tomorrow to come around.

...i'm so worried. :s
Comments: (2)

unreal.
Date: Mar 7th, 2006 2:24:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dumbstruck
current question on the gray matter:: will randy pull through?

one of my good friends got into a car accident lastnight. he's in the hospital with a broken leg, and he's going into heart surgery.

he could die tonight.
Comments: (1)

pissed off.
Date: Mar 6th, 2006 2:33:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pissed off
current question on the gray matter:: will i actually write songs this time, or just plan to and ignore my plans like i usually do? i am a dumbass.

so i feel good and pissed off today. i'm not sure why... a lot of things have happened in the past 30 hours.

should i start from the beginning?

well, i woke up Sunday morning feeling sickly again. also, Cady got up and left again, and i fell back asleep again. i woke up for good and went into the kitchen, where a slice of puffed pancake was waiting for me. i ate it dry (no syrup or butter, like i do with everything pastry) and washed it down with um... coke? i think. anyway.

so mom starts getting all stressed and power happy, telling us she needs a couple bucks from me and Cady for gas, and please help her out, blahblahblah, so i start packing my stuff and looking for a stray dollar (i don't end up finding it). i'm the only child being yelled at right now, because god forbid she would treat me like she treats Cady. so i pack my stuff and start putting it into the car, and she says something to the effect of, "Can't you at least be on my side right now? For once in your life, could you support me?" and i say, "Whatever." and turn away to walk into the house. she yells at me to knock off the attitude, so i say "whatever" a bit louder and slam the door behind me.

so that's only one incident that morning though. she was treating me like crap all morning (anything new?) and acting like Cady was this naive, sensitive, godly creature. which, don't get me wrong, she's a great kid, but i'm her daughter too. and i knew Cady was uncomfortable, because she knows that mom favors her, too, even though she makes efforts to get mom to act equal.

so anyway.

mom acts all victimized and yells at me and eventually apologizes, which means nothing to me anymore because it's only a matter of time before i return to receive the same exact mental and emotional neglect and abuse.

WHICH I WILL RETURN. i will feel bad if i leave my mother behind. i am willing to receive as much abuse as necessary so long as i experience those couple of moments of motherly love. you only get one birth mother, and i'm trying to make the best of it.

wow. i sound so pathetic. but the only reason i write all that in here is because it's the only private journal i have--the only people that know about it are my boyfriend and i. everyone else is a stranger to me, so i don't care what they think or read.

okay...

so i came home and... was relieved, obviously... and my dad gave Cady and i each a bouquet of roses. i got red ones, Cady yellow. i was shocked (and totally pleased) and i was like, "Why'd you get us roses?" and he just smiled and said that we're caught up on money problems and he felt like buying us roses. AH. it was so nice. i love my dad so much.

and then later on in the night, he got a phone call while we were watching a movie from his mother, my grandmother (a different one than the one i visited this weekend). apparently grandpa has had a heart attack, so dad and Julie (stepmom) take Taylor (baby sister) to go to the hospital. Cady and i stay home and eventually Cady goes to bed. i try to stay up, because Dad said he'd call as soon as he could. i tried to finish up some homework (unsuccessful mission, by the way) and decide that at the ungodly hour of 11:30 pm (hahahahaha) i am too tired to stay up.

i took the phone into my bedroom and tried to sleep. a half hour later, dad calls and pulls me out of some weird waking dream i had, and i go back to sleep again. i wake up at one in the morning when he comes home, and talk to him. i have to lean against the wall, because i feel like i'm going to collapse and die for some reason. so i go back to bed (Julie and Taylor stayed with grandma to comfort her).

okay so i woke up this morning and decided to go back to sleep for just like, five more minutes. well, it turns into about TWENTY-five more, and Cady wakes me up and i scramble to get ready. i go to school pissed off.

i've decided that today is a day for mayhem. i am pissed. songwriting happens today.

whatever. i've written too much.

bye.
Comments: (2)

my apology.
Date: Mar 4th, 2006 10:57:56 pm - Subscribe
Mood: awestruck


i apologize for the previous night's entry. it was really late and i got all weird.
Comments: (2)