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So much for shooting stars. I thought I knew what love was. Apparently love is getting hurt and still wanting to forgive the person. Nay. Love to me will always be that bi-curiosity that slowly transitioned into alcoholic haze and unsatisfied longing for what once was. Girls hurt me the most often. Guys send me into drunken slumber. I may never understand my sexuality. I may never know what love is. I wish to do away with close relationships. I want to pack up my Xu and move to a city where no one knows me or anyone I once knew. I want to live for me and my future. Life is an unnecessary, complicated nuisance. |
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deathcab4u
Hello, Link on my Favorites Bar Nov 9th, 2009 8:46:32 pm - Subscribe
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For sake of simplicity I use Safari. It has a nice little favorites bar. This Blog is on that bar. It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it. Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them. Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am. Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone. Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy. Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time! |
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We used her and tortured her. We never expected her to burn. We carelessly mixed chemicals because we could. We watched as she survived the storm. We lit off fireworks because we knew no one would stop us. We observed the faulty wiring but did not feel it was worth the cost to repair. She felt sick and quietly begged for help. We did not hear her. We were too busy using her beauty for our own benefit. We believed she was strong, that she would live forever. She was unable to survive the blast. We did what we could but we could not save her. It was too late. But we will never learn. |
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I allowed myself to fall in love. It was a mistake that felt too right. All I knew was alcohol and casual sex. He turned me around and made me feel things. I thought I deserved those feelings. I thought that feeling was worth potential pain. I realized I was right all along. It is better not to feel. It is better not to trust. I would rather have a stranger lie to me. At least I know they lie. I would rather have her telling me the way it is than having him pretend he is in love with me. I regret the loss of my best friend. I will never have another Chelsea. There is no one left to tell me the truth. |
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squidsquid
LMAO Oct 31st, 2009 3:29:19 pm - Subscribe
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this guy was giving me the runaround! he had a boyfriend the whole time, and i was his affair! i *should* be pissed, but not at all... someone thought i was sexy enough to lie to me and cheat on their partner with me! i move in less than a week. my life as a bachelor has officially begun. |
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So being 21 isn't exactly panning out as I had hoped. Now as they say about rock bottom, nowhere left to go but up. I believe that might apply here. Or I'd like to believe that because if that's not true then.. well that just fucking sucks for me. But sticking to the positive side of the street here... Let's say I have the ambition to be the star behind all the stars. This week we shot a few scenes for the video segments, me assisting on set. It was a pretty fun time working with Keith, kind of a famous and super nice guy. No big deal, you guys recollect a little show called Degrassi? Let's say I want to do big creative things and not get stuck in some job that demands I abandon all chances of enjoying my youthful years. Because I've got the rest of my life to become an adult, it only moves forward after all. There's no rush. I'd hate to regret not having done the things I wanted to. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of minimizing regrets so far. So perhaps this whole 'heartbreak -> destructiveness -> returned bliss -> heartbreak -> destroying myself once more in style' sick little period of time can come to an end and blossom into something nice and pretty. I'm hopin' like a muthafucka for a little chrysalis like turnaround in recent events. I'm learning loads but still unsure of how to use all that properly in the real world with real people who are out to get you one way or another. Some tricky shit. But the conclusion I've reached is that there's Hope of a way up and out of this. If I don't pass out from all this coughing that's happening first. |
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I imagine that nothing can be said or done to make his mistakes disappear. He says he's here now and that should be enough to prove that I'm important. It could also just go to show what a coward he is. Anything he says from now on will have no meaning. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making up for all the pain he caused me. He said those things while waiting for the right time to dump me and pursue a real relationship with her. He screwed it up with her and now he's stuck with me. So of course he's going to try and make this work, he has no better options. Do I allow myself to be taken in by the flowers, treats, rocks, and cliches? Of course not. This is me we're talking about. I'll go about this until I find someone better. I'll listen to the words, pretending they are true long enough to get through another night. I'll pretend I'm not hurt by the months of lies. I'll fall into a peaceful slumber when he says he stays up late talking to god-knows-who online. I'll smile when he spouts off all the things that usually make girls feel loved. I'll feel better when I replace him. Until then I suppose I'll give him the picture perfect, reality-free relationship he once had online. |
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I will never be anything more than just Grampa. To anyone. I will never be the love of anyone's life. I am now and forever will be the girl who was just good enough. |
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squidsquid
final words Oct 21st, 2009 1:40:25 pm - Subscribe
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i suck at goodbyes. so hey, just to sum things up: Don't let the government control your brain... they're all a bunch of goddamn shapeshifting transdimensional lizard people. Don't stick your dick in strangers. If you are sexually active, get tested regularly. If you don't want people to judge you, but you suck at art and music and you want to express your thoughts... then keep a physical JOURNAL!!!! and hide it somewhere safe! Don't worry about your exes, no matter how lame and awful they are, or how much they hurt you. In the end, it's always your fault for choosing to sleep with them anyway. There will always be another person to share sheets with out there. Don't drink and drive. No, seriously. Don't fucking do it. There's a good reason everyone's been telling you that since you were 2. Cigarettes are really bad for you, but everyone does it anyway. Don't be stupid with your money. There's an old joke: "Jesus saves, Moses invests". Frankly, both of them were pretty smart dudes. Philosophy is boring and useless. Pseudo-philosophy is fun to make up when you're stoned. Just live life to the fullest, and THEN spend your time thinking about "what it all means" when you're too old and senile to move or have friends. All religion has the same basic message: "don't be a prick". Anyone who tells you otherwise is a terrorist. and i guess that's about it. since i drew this a few weeks ago, it falls under this blog's timeline. here's a picture i drew of the guy i have a huge crush on :  now gtfo. |
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-Have you ever seen a witch before? -Sure, around Halloween I see them all the time. -No, I mean like a real witch. -Well, no. I guess I haven't seen a real one. -Have you seen a lion before? -Yeah, I've seen them at the zoo. I think at the Calgary one maybe. -No, I mean like a real lion. Like in Africa, where they're real. In some countries, lions just come in the house. You ever seen a real lion in your house? -No...just at the zoo. -Well, how about a snake. Sometimes a snake will be in my house and it's no big deal. Just a snake. You ever seen a real snake like that? -No, I haven't seen one of those either. I love this kid! We need to get more of them in. So polite and so delightfully foreign. This club needs to kick off a wee bit faster, so I can feel like I'm actually doing something productive with this personal side project. An hour just isn't enough. |
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squidsquid
10/20/09 goodbye Oct 20th, 2009 1:08:47 am - Subscribe
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well hey, i think it's time i wrap up here. i'm in AA, sober for about a month and a half and have no desire to throw it all away again. i move into a new apartment (WITH NO ANNOYING ROOMMATES!!!!) in two weeks. new house rules: no smoking, no shoes, no degeneracy. my job is awesome and fun, and despite the economy, i make a decent chunk of change for a guy my age. i'm seeing a really wonderful guy, though i'm still a bit fuzzy on what our official status is. THE INTERNET IS FOR COMPLAINING, YAPPING WITH FRIENDS, CRAIGSLIST, AND FULFILLING PRIVATE FANTASIES!!!.... ...and to be honest: i don't have much to complain about, i prefer to yap with my friends in the real world, i don't need to blog about craigslist, and i'm working hard at making sure my dreams come true. this blog has survived far beyond its usefulness. gossip-wise: i accidentally lost a book corey let me borrow, and now i feel bad. in the end -- he is a nice guy, but we were both so fucked up with drinking and whatnot at the time, that it was bound not to last. my friendships with Anon and JJM have been strengthened. brian is still an alcoholic, and now he is so fat, i can't even stand looking at him. i saw a recent pic today, and it literally made me shudder. thank goodness i never have to get my junk near that heap again. i'm still prone to acting like an abhorrent asshole to people who push me past my threshold, and i encourage anyone with a pair of balls to do the same. i'll leave this up indefinitely, so if anyone's interested, they can start from the beginning and read all about the horrible melodramatic mess that happened when i came out. within the course of the last four years: i went from going to prep school, to being another drug-addled thug on the street, to moving back with my mom, to taking it in the bum and driving a jetta. however, this entire time, i've always been myself. funny how life works out. as for the technobabble, youtube vids, and other random filler... everyone who knows me irl gets plenty of that just by hanging out with me. oh, but you NEED to see this. priceless. goodbye faggots & dykes. this has been pretty fun, but i'm off to go do big important man things. |
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squidsquid
BEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER Oct 11th, 2009 12:46:35 pm - Subscribe
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THIS IS THE REAL SHIT. NOTHING CAN COMPARE. THIS IS GANSTA ASS HXC MOTHAFUCKIN BAD YO THE DETECTIVE IS LEVAR BURTON, FROM STAR TREK TNG AND READING RAINBOW |
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squidsquid
10/11/09 gothic 3 Oct 11th, 2009 12:40:43 pm - Subscribe
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Gothic 3 came out over two years ago. Prior to its release, it received numerous "Best of E3" awards, and was greatly anticipated to be the second coming of RPG gaming by numerous fans of the series (like myself). Then, in order to cash in on the hype, the game was kicked out of development doors and onto the streets as a finished product. It was as horrible, buggy, unplayable mess, even on the latest hardware configurations. The community finally patched the game to ver 1.7, a "finished" state. The game hitches a bit here and there as it loads new areas, thanks to bad hard drive cache management that's hard-coded into the Genome engine... but considering the game used to crash my entire rig after ten minutes of play, I'm thoroughly impressed. I've been watching the game grow from a shitty glitchfest into a final product, all through the handiwork of dedicated fans. It's really something. The game is fantastic. It plays like a mix of Fable and Oblivion. The graphics are great, even after two years. The community re-drew a lot of the default textures and added normal-mapping to many surfaces that lacked it pre-patch. The grass and trees sway in the wind, and violently whip around during thunderstorms. The new HDR lighting makes it necessary to carry a torch into deep caves as your vision dims the further away you get from sunlight. After leaving a cave, it's hard to see for a few moments while your "eyes" re-adjust to the daytime sun. Plenty of other games have used it before, but it's really effective here. The physics make combat more interesting to watch, especially when you send an enemy tumbling down a cliff. While it doesn't have the unlimited draw distance of Oblivion, I think it hides its mips much better. Objects in the distance are blurred out, as if you're viewing the world through a real pair of eyes. As you climb through the ranks of your selected faction, you eventually find yourself spearheading assaults on the game's major cities. After you destroy the population of the opposing force's town, you get to watch as your allies gradually make the settlement their own. Just like the last two in the series, the game kicks your ass. It's hard. At low levels, you are constantly overrun by mobs of wild wolves, little turkey-things, and other tiny pests, but it isn't long before you find yourself hacking down creatures 3 times your size and destroying entire armies. Leveling works differently from most games. You don't automatically learn skills at each level. You have to seek out mentors to train you in specific areas. Want to be a powerful archer? Find a master hunter and pay him for lessons. It really makes you feel like you're accomplishing something, even though you're just sitting behind a box pressing buttons. This game is probably too dorky for a lot of my friends to enjoy. I just thought it was really neat that the fans ended up saving it from eternal damnation.   
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squidsquid
10/11/09 bars Oct 11th, 2009 11:38:50 am - Subscribe
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I'm 22 and I can say, beyond a doubt, that I'm not fond of bars... ...unless there's free billiards, karaoke, or live music. Call me a buzzkill. I don't care. At least I don't waste my money and time on overpriced, watered-down drinks while ogling my next potential one-night-stand. I see a lot of bars in my job as a delivery guy. I've been hanging out in bars for a long time. I used to go out and see bands play nearly every weekend. Even when I was underage, I didn't have a hard time finding alcohol. I'm not condemning people who party, just barflies. If anybody in the city can go to the corner-store before 9 PM and get a whole bottle for 20 bucks, then why the hell does anyone feel the need to go in some sweaty stink-pit and pay 6 bucks for one cup? ...and the "atmosphere"? Ugh. If it's a gay bar, I have to keep an unsettling thought in the back of my mind: "Which dirty old man is going to do something awkward and make me stab him?"... and if it's a straight bar: "Which dumb slut in clown makeup is going to beg for a ride home?" regardless of the sexual orientation of the patrons, I'm always asking myself: Which stupid songs are they playing tonight? Which lonely souls are coming to sit in the corner and blow their paycheck on jager-bombs and video poker tonight? Which flashy outfit are the bottomfeeding losers going to wear in desperate attempt to get laid tonight? Which of these people has an STD? Doesn't he/she know that they're overweight because drinking slows their metabolism? Why the hell am I even here? At which point, I get up and leave, feeling unsatisfied. Drinking is just kinda dumb. I've been around it my entire life and I've done my fair share, but it wasn't until I got in that wreck that I realized how much the habit can grab someone by the balls. Even if I did want to drink, I would much rather do it in an intimate setting with my friends, as opposed to a roomful of blinky lights and gropey-handed strangers. Again, I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud.... It's just... I've seen it all before, and in much more interesting settings than a bar, aka a "contrived party/sex factory". Without solid entertainment, bars are fuckin' lame. They're havens for empty-headed degenerates. Waste of money, waste of time. No fun at all. Every single time I go to one anymore, I think to myself, "Wow, I'm too old for this shit." So, if you're reading this, and you want to drag me to a bar sometime, you'd better make damn sure there's a band (you know, the kind with real humans playing real instruments, not some rapping jackoff with beats cooked on his macbook), or AT LEAST a karaoke machine with Sinatra. If not, I'd rather stay home and fondle myself. That's what most bar-types wind up doing at the end of the night anyway. |
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Things can never be the same. He can never make me feel the same as he had before. My feelings were based on lies he told. Simple words such as "I love you" escalated into delusions. I made my plans around him. I sacrificed so much to make it work. He had little interest in me. I believed there was so much more. I believed I was the only special one. How could I believe differently when he never told me differently. He left me believing I was special. Touching me shortly after expressing love for another. I should accept that I have him now. Instead I dwell on the past. The past has made the present meaningless. I will never know my value. |