When did everything get so quiet all of the sudden?
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Sometimes I just wish Chelsea would just come back and shake things up with her monkey banana raffle and a bag of oranges. When did everything get so quiet all of the sudden? |
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I just wrote an entry and went to preview it and it's disappeared now :( So, again: I had forgotten about this blog until I recently saw aeonity mentioned somewhere and I did a search on usernames to see if my blog was still here (though I didn't remember my username at first so I searched on three different words until I found it). I'm amazed it wasn't deleted! I thought I'd have a go at logging in, not expecting it to work, but again, wow, somehow I remembered the password! I have no idea now what email address I used to sign up with although I have a feeling it is a defunct one (for somewhere that used to host me). I can update that though, I'm sure. Mr Right and I did get married, got our own place, got some pets - bunnies (yay!!!) and a dog. We've been trying to have a baby for a couple of years but it's not working :( The animals are our babies for now but still... we'd like to have a kid... but maybe it's not to be :( |
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Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it! 
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I have been suffering from a serious case of the what the fuck lately. What changed overnight, I'll never know. He breaks my heart. How is it that he seriously doesn't see it. Is he seriously just that STUPID? My heart is like those plastic bins you used to get bulk lego in. Cheerfully tacky red. Clatters when you shake it. But it should come with a warning; a discretional label. CAUTION: Once open- you will lose peices. You will no longer have 1000 assorted bits and bites to build upon. They will steal your lego. Steal your abilty to build. I need to close the lid and save the last thirty peices I have. Otherwise- Will I ever be able to build myself back up? - |
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Over the past few days, it has become even more clear than before how much easier it is to remain in a bad relationship than open up to someone new. I have discovered how many things I can no longer accomplish. Quitting smoking so I can run that much faster from anyone who could possibly mean something to me. I should spare myself the phone call instead of wishing my doctor good luck. |
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I had a mental breakdown in front of my parents. My mom wouldn't let me vomit in peace. Her advice was completely useless and unnecessary. Failing in front of them. It feels like my lungs are wrapped in rubber bands. Dying for a cigarette. Dying to be home. They have witnessed what I deal with. They watched the hell I put myself through to please them. My "tremendous talent" means little to them and even less to me, knowing that I'm still and always will be a complete screw up. |
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No longer incarcerated by his feigned compassion. His actions have always made little sense but questioning only leaves me with the appearance of insanity. The unfortunate but inevitable process of over-analyzing his behavior has reached its end. My expectations of flawless logic drove me mad, constantly disappointed by irrationality and unnecessary lies. Never presenting evidence confirming or denying my frequently correct accusations, it seemed he could only follow my statements with the vague retort, "You presume." Thus concludes the deceit and entertainment by a delightful actor assuming the roles of intelligence and maturity. Freed of and by my horrible memories. |
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| I will do this for you, in every way that I know how. I will thumb through the beads and beg beneath the stars. I will recite the words programmed into the big brain that also prevents me from believing. I cried for you and your loss. Deep down I wish that Baby K is an angel, floating around the universe, watching down on me with the paradoxical combination of curiosity and infinite knowledge. Unfortunately, that belief would only increase the magnitude of my own loss. I wish you could see it the way I do. Your sentiment makes it difficult for me to sleep. Your sadness, though irrational, burns my eyes and leaves a dull, unrelenting pain in my stomach each night. Though my desperate pleas for your comfort are sincere, I am sadly aware that my words disappear into the nonexistence where your child's soul resides. |
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My papers are almost finished. The entire semester of panic was completely unnecessary. I'm ready for a summer of new beginnings. A new location, new friends, new job, reading, writing, and probably a lot of opium and minecraft. I've lost weight and intend to lose more. I've let another potential love slip through my fingertips but I'm not unhappy. Life is good. |
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I never thought I'd say that I'm actually sick of people begging me for sex. I saw two dandelions wrapped around each other like they were hugging. It pisses me off that even the plants can find love. I want to become a better hipster but I refuse to purchase a romper. Perhaps I will start writing in comic sans for the sake of irony. P.S. Shock the world. It's time for something big. |
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Today I was a delight to fuck. |
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I've exceeded my filth limit. The dishes and laundry are piled high enough to climb. The bathroom needs cleaned, the living room needs dusted and vacuumed. I need to start packing. Instead of taking care of myself and the house, I spent two days in strange beds, stoned. I haven't showered, I refuse to eat. My cough isn't getting better. I put my nephew in the hospital. My deadbeat brother wants to see me but I need to sleep some more. Somehow I managed to shave my legs. I don't know why I need to be thin right now. It's so funny how the mind works. |
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I fall for every guy who tells me a story about a stuffed animal. They disappear shortly afterwords. This one will blister. He will be the last one. |
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Tearing the dress down like falling on curtains. Wish I could afford to feel this way forever. Eating the girl beneath the Mondrian. Wake me up in three months. I am still waiting for this. For something more. It is not enough. Chewing. Claws. Tears. Bliss. O. |
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The cowboys stole my weekend and my strength. He only comes by when she's mad. Marvin, Xu, Crackers and the stoners kept me company while I summoned the fairy of forgetting. Threw Daisy's bouncy though his gauges. I was tricked. I don't want to get back together. I want things to be the way they were. I can't ride in the front seat. I wanted eleven tacos. I wanted presents and affection. But I will give it all up to avoid the snoring and repeated stories. How many men have really loved me? He couldn't have if he doesn't even have images in his dreams. Are his thought molecules capable of joining to form more than just my name? My mannerisms, my words, each come from the image that is me. Waffle for dinner. Freezing. This is an emphatic sentence. Fourth emphatic sentence fragment. |