They disappear shortly afterwords.
This one will blister.
He will be the last one.
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I fall for every guy who tells me a story about a stuffed animal. They disappear shortly afterwords. This one will blister. He will be the last one. |
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Tearing the dress down like falling on curtains. Wish I could afford to feel this way forever. Eating the girl beneath the Mondrian. Wake me up in three months. I am still waiting for this. For something more. It is not enough. Chewing. Claws. Tears. Bliss. O. |
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The cowboys stole my weekend and my strength. He only comes by when she's mad. Marvin, Xu, Crackers and the stoners kept me company while I summoned the fairy of forgetting. Threw Daisy's bouncy though his gauges. I was tricked. I don't want to get back together. I want things to be the way they were. I can't ride in the front seat. I wanted eleven tacos. I wanted presents and affection. But I will give it all up to avoid the snoring and repeated stories. How many men have really loved me? He couldn't have if he doesn't even have images in his dreams. Are his thought molecules capable of joining to form more than just my name? My mannerisms, my words, each come from the image that is me. Waffle for dinner. Freezing. This is an emphatic sentence. Fourth emphatic sentence fragment. |
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I can't even begin to describe the orgasms this weed has created. It's best not to publish these thoughts but I'm conflicted. My eyeliner rips off slowly. I have no idea what happened, I know that this is what I wanted. My loneliness is altered. I want to. I want to. Need to. I want to cry. I don't. I can localize my pulse with my thoughts. Unbelievable intensity. I want to press my face against something cold and ceramic. |
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I'm overwhelmed with the desire to dropkick everyone in that class. Throughout the entire hour I have to fight the urge to shove my tongue down the throat possessing the only voice of intelligence. Perhaps that dumb bitch had a point. Gross generalizations frustrate the absolute hell out of me. When the hell is Lucas coming home? I can't take this anymore. I don't want to call her or blow another paycheck, searching for those few gleeful moments before remembering who I am and where I live. Mom understands but at least she has anesthesia to keep her amused. My dad was dumb enough to buy her another SUV. My breakfast pizza weighs more than your breakfast pizza. |
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"It's so stupid, they hate each other but they can't seem to stop having sex." *knowing look* "We use protection!" "It was nice of you to bring food over." "It was nice of you to let me eat at your house and put your penis in me. You're a good friend" |
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| I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not. |
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| It was dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. We were both hurting from our former loves. I asked him why he dumped her and he told me that all of his friends told him that she cheated on him with me. I didn't know what to say, he appeared angry but he told me not to worry about it. We sat on a dusty bed in the abandoned house engaging in deeper conversation than I'd ever had with him. I began to sob over my past mistakes, compelling him to hold me. Before I knew what was going on, we were making out. He walked away to find condoms and I made a break for it. The sun was coming up, I was high and had no idea where they had taken me. He followed, telling me he knew of a better place to go but our time was limited. I ducked behind a bush and took off running into an arch of tree limbs. The limbs grew closer to the ground the farther I ran, forcing me to crawl on the ground. I kept thinking to myself that this encounter could only end in heartache. I had to get away before I fell deeper in love, allowing him that opportunity. I ran between tall fences so he would not see me but they blocked my destination so I climbed over them, falling and hurting myself more each time. Completely surrounded by unique trees accented with a hot pink sunrise, I could not stop for a second to embrace the beauty. Ben caught up with me by taking a shorter route. Still breathing heavily from the run, he lifted me up effortlessly and propped me against the fence. He leaned in to kiss me, our hearts racing against each other. At that moment I felt the most intense desire I had ever felt for anyone. He pulled away and set me back on the ground and announced that he had to leave. I sat on the ground crying, wanting to die, hating myself for allowing another person past my force field. I passed out from drugs and tears and waited for the rest of the group to find me, abandoned again by someone who should have meant nothing. |
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I just spent an hour looking at engagement rings. Not the synthetic diamonds for which I was once willing to settle. This time, I searched the monsters that would look ridiculous on my dainty hand. I'm tired of being sensible. Maybe it's spring fever but I'm ready to actually shoot for that guy who's out of my league. The professor, the one with the football scholarship, the one who's so good-looking he almost has to be gay. Why the hell not? I'm tired of spending my nights reading, writing, watching youtube videos and waiting to get a text from my lame friends, hoping someone will let me buy them ice cream. I'm a special girl and there is no reason I should be alone tonight. Tomorrow, I make my move(s). |
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deathcab4u
must write Apr 2nd, 2011 5:15:43 pm - Subscribe
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in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity. the sparse manic entries that i scribble i miss writing, i want to write must write I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment. "Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb. Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery. Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion. I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated. Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety. Fortunately, though, fear is hollow. Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity. Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either. |
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Your tattoo didn't prevent him from beating me. Your fliers didn't prevent him from raping me. Fuck off Fort Hays. Fuck off everyone who thinks they can make a difference by purchasing a goddamn ribbon. Stop raising money for awareness. I didn't need the reminder. |
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My life has been brightening up a bit. Between the attention from the cute gay kid in my class and the magic dress from work, I've been pretty happy. I don't feel so alone all the time. Summer might be a little different. I won't have the kids in class laughing at my muttered comments or complimenting my clothes, boosting my self-esteem each day. Ashy's miserable. I hate it because I know exactly what she's going through. I wish she'd just call so I can see how this whole breakup is working out for her. At the same time I'm afraid she'll just fall for me. She needs time with single, cheerful, straight girls. I hate it that I'm so glad it's over. Especially since she has no one else to turn to. Ben and I have been the only constants in her life. I'm not looking forward to her destruction. I'm absolutely in love with Pandora but it's definitely pissing my internet off. Mostly because when I hear a song I like I have to download the whole damn album. I keep listening to a song by Mustard Plug over and over because it reminds me of stupid Chris. I keep fighting the urge to link the video to Ashy. I figure at this point in the breakup it would only hurt more. I'm glad 12 people Like my pornographic memory. Back to my dreams of Dr. Tostenson. Get out of here, Nick. |
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Didn't even bother shaving. I'd rather just talk to myself anyway. Cabin fever causes me to over analyze every bit of contact he throws at me. Liked my status, must mean he wants to date me. Xu hasn't been wobbly enough for me lately. Brax is really far away. I should have tucked him into my coat when I had the chance. Then we could be laughing and throwing things right now. I have a feeling he's not going to think I'm so awesome in a few years. Why the fuck is a decent radio transmitter so difficult to find? Returning bitch number two tomorrow. What to do about Eric. |
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Welcome back, Thunder. I've missed you all winter. I want to get laid tonight. I should have thought about that a few hours ago. I always forget how much planning and effort goes into convincing someone to sleep with me. Shower, shave, plaster face in whorey makeup, spend hour setting every strand of hair in place, purchase necessities, decide on a location, find ugly girls to surround me and depart when my goal is met, consume just enough alcohol to forget but not so much that I'm a complete mess. So far, I've been in my living room all afternoon, only leaving the couch to smoke and dance to ska. So not getting any tonight. Maybe Keli will force me to go out. Ugh. I need to get a credit card for the few times I actually have to purchase the music I want to listen to. *frownyface* |
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I want nothing more than to be high right now. Tripping, floating, I don't care. I want to lay here and stare at the ceiling, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Granting the fortitude to travel in and out of consciousness and to dream a life outside of my physical self. I want the awe and beauty of inebriation. To be alone but not lonesome. I want to ride out the rest of my evening in a state of absolute contentment and mirth. I want to create something splendid tonight. I'm tired of feeling so cold. If I could be invisible I would curl up next to Spurlock and steal the warmth of his furry beard. I've grown quite confused by his behavior lately. I'll spare myself the trouble of waking up afraid and confused. Even if it means giving up each comfort I long for tonight. You're welcome, Morning Rachel. Now it's time to go write something worthwhile and drift into a normal, uneventful slumber. |