Life has put me through the ringer lately and I feel so overwhelmingly alone that it's difficult to put this anyplace.
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."
Everything swirled over me so quickly, and I refused to process any of my feelings from about September on- and now I have a soul crushing amount of things that are no longer content to sit in the darkness, and have taken it upon themselves to all start screaming their white hot insults at me at once. I would normally have several confidants, but in this I am alone. I have Spencer, and now he is angry with me- for what I see as a menial slip, and that I know he takes as a grave offense.
I am tired of taking everyone's feelings into account. Why can't I have my moment to stand here, and cry and yell. It isn't fair, or maybe it is. I am not ready, or maybe I am. I can't handle the failings of my family.
Of his family.
I can't deal with our living arrangements, and all I want is a bathtub to drown myself in.
I see myself failing at work, I see myself failing at home, and I carry this alone, and yet- I forgot to mention I had applied for a day off and it is cause enough to belittle my commitment to my relationship.
I am exhausted.
I am constantly ill. But no. Smile, and be the rock for everyone. Listen to your father talk about your ungrateful brother. Listen to your mother guilt you about having some level of independence. Listen to your mother in law demonize everything you do.
Listen to yourself tell yourself that you're not good enough- that you're a colossal fuck up. Listen to that same voice tell you that you wanted to play in the big leagues and be an adult- and then you only want to cower behind your mother's skirt folds of safety, even though your own mother is more fucked up than you.
I do not feel okay. I am tired of carrying. Tired of being the emotional pack mule for everyone.
I can't do this. I am afraid.
I am afraid and nauseous.