Who is in control?
Date: 5/20/2006 11:27 - Subscribe
Date: May 19, 2006
All too often people have controlling relationships. I know 3 people who resist it, however, I feel certain that its bound to happen in any relationship, even to a small degree. With these 3 people, it causes problems and in turn, puts them in the controlling position. One of my friends and the significant other had it pretty balanced for quite a while - but when they both found out neither was in control, it started not working and they broke up after a couple years. YEARS! Its a long time.
When one person feels they cannot get along without the other, they are allowing themselves to be controlled. When one person has not figured out who they are and what their life goals are, they are allowing themselves to be controlled. When there is a lack of trust with either person, there will be a control issue.
On the other hand, there is a healthy amount of control that needs to be in all relationships. If you're in a relationship, you need someone who brings out the best in you and is willing to help you better yourself. Things like eating healthy, exercise, being a good person.... You have to realize that as soon as you confide in someone your thoughts and trust them with your feelings - you are giving them a certain amount of control. This is ok as long as they take care of never using them against you (I can say I'm guilty of this and its very hurtful to the other person)
Why do we allow ourselves to think that other people can make us happy? Can they really? Of course, they can add to your happiness, but what happens if they die or leave? You are on your own. So - Learn how to be a happy person without influences from someone/thing else! If you're happy with yourself, you are more able to be able to contribute to someone elses happiness.
This last relationship I had - I found I was relying on someone else to keep me from being bored. Yes - it was fun for a little while, but I wasn't actually happy. I couldn't give everything that makes a relationship - and because I was trying - 1) it was insincere and not everything I had, 2) I was making myself unhappy, therefore not making him happy. I had complete control. He used to say "I won't be your beck and call boy", but he did it because he thought I was making him happy. So - I was in control. It's really weird, and this is how I know it wasn't meant to be, but I didn't feel sad or hurt by not seeing him anymore. I was so relieved and I will not do that again. I also learned by his reaction to certain situations he is not someone I should ever have dated. I like to be around people who are in control of themselves. I understand there are going to be difficulties in life (hell I've had the best of them!), but he had no self control and his first instinct was to blame everyone else. He now blames me for screwing "us" up. Its cool - I'll take that blame because I know its not what I wanted and I ended it. Thats what you're supposed to do that early on right? Not keep trying when you know its wrong???
I suppose this is not everyones concept of how things work. I just know that I want to be able to make myself happy because what if I don't find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? At this point - I could totally be ok with that. I know what I want and I am learning more and more how to make myself happy.
I read this somewhere and wrote it down, not sure where tho... "If someone is needy or impulsive, they'll rush into a committment because everything seems so perfect - the passion blinds them to further relationship realities" Further relationship realities meaning they may not be compatible or have the same goals or even be in the same place spiritually, emotionally and mentally in life. Of course its going to be fun and exciting at first but think about it - can you live with that person forever? Thats the point of dating before having a serious relationship right?
I think I'll just become a professional dater haha!
conveniences of familiarity
Date: 5/12/2006 01:30 - Subscribe
Date: May 11, 2006
Today I was told (in email I might add) that I am a cold, self-centered, heartless bitch who will never have a successful relationship because I find them all as convenieces of familiarity because I'm lost in my new life. HAHAHA! Whatever makes him feel better I guess. It wasn't even worth a reply so I just deleted it. The conveniences of familiarity (i.e. being controlled) part is probably true...
Yes, maybe I am a little self-centered and heartless and yes, I am a bitch at times! So...what's new? I believe I told him exactly that (or very close) at the beginning. I even added crazy! Anyway - I hope he feels better getting this off his chest. I know its just a ploy to get me to react so he can feel better that I am hurt as much as he is. News flash: I'm not hurt! I am FREE! Again. That's a good thing. Of course, I am sorry I let him get so attached and that I hurt him. I already apologized though so no need to reply to his comments.
So I can say I've learned some things from this. I'm NOT ready to have a relationship. I need to figure out what it is that makes me pick the controlling type and steer clear!! I need to make a guy take me on more than ONE date before practically moving in due to the pressures of them being alone and having no one else (I'm a sucker for guys who "have no one" apparently)! Yes - we only went on 1 "real" date. Hmmm.... Sounds like I need to change the me-being-easy part too HAHAHA! Wow.
Gotta go get the stuff I left at his house! Fun times!
Date: 5/08/2006 11:50 - Subscribe
Date: May 8, 2006
I ended it. Tonight, I finally just said - that's it. No more relationship, no more serious dating - not till I'm finished with school and maybe not even then.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am free. And not to find someone else, but to continue finding myself. He was a roadblock. I kind of feel bad for feeling so happy that this is finally over though. 4 months only and it feels like a year. It reminded me so much of my marriage that it was making me sick to my stomach and repulsed everytime he even looked at me.
I am free to not hide that I have great friends who I can talk to now without a guilty conscious. I am free to go where I please, when I please. I am free from him.
He wasn't a dick about it. He begged a little - that sucked and I felt like an ass. But I'm proud of myself for not budging and for sticking up for myself and for not getting defensive when he tried to hurt me a little. I'm glad that I did this on my own accord and did not give in to his plea's of compromise and hurt, when I know in my heart we will not work. Ever. I am so relieved and happy.
I don't think that's wrong. In fact, it makes me know that this was the right thing to do.
Some people. Some days.
Date: 5/06/2006 11:48 - Subscribe
Date: May 6,2006
Today was so long! It felt balanced though. Good and bad.
I worked from 7am till 2 then from 5 till 9:30. I knew during my break I could not settle down or I would be too tired to go back to work so I cleaned and then I went shirt hunting at my b/f's house. I also attempted to either break up with him or make him have no choice but to break up with me.
It didn't work.
He tried the whole scare tactic with me - I don't think I can do this anymore, you'll miss me when I'm gone thing. You know - that thing where they try to make you see what you'd be missing and that they will never come back. At one point he even gave me an ultimatum - if we break up, that's it, we will never talk or see each other again or we stay together and we can "be friends". When that didn't work to his advantage because I said "ok, I pick leaving so I can get my shit straight", he did the whole compromise/begging tactic. "Ok baby, lets try to work things out. We're not that bad off. I love you, I'll do anything for you to stay"
I am a sucker for this shit so I agreed. So the terms are:
1. He gives me space and doesn't guilt trip me for not ALWAYS wanting to see him
2. I don't spend the night or come over anymore unless its an official date
3. He understands that I am a busy girl and after not having seen him because of work or school, he has to realize I still need time to myself after this too
4. We don't see anyone else
All great - but I gave myself an out. I took all of my stuff, I made it so I don't stay, therefore no further attachment (for him not me), and we actually date - not just have sex and be a boring "old" couple.
So before you think I'm a cold, heartless bitch - understand a few things:
1. I just got out of an 8.5 year relationship/marriage with my high school sweetheart and am getting to know myself again without following someone elses life path
2. He was the one who convinced me that a relationship is what I needed to get over the ex - he is dead wrong
3. I tried anyway - I somehow have picked another guy just like my ex - he wants a marriage, a family, a housewife, and then a career for me wherever he chooses to live and after the 2 kids start school. This was not told to me beforehand - yes, I should have asked - no, I didn't
4. I don't want to have kids. Maybe adopt someday but I am not giving birth
5. I do NOT want to see any one person every day of the week - I get grouchy and begin to hate the sight of them. He is needy and clingy and wants me there 24/7.
6. This has been less than a 4 month relationship where he wants me to quit my job, he wants to support my education (but only in the day when he works and can't be with me otherwise), and wants me to live with him full time NOW
7. I am a little freaked out because he gave up his passion of dirt biking because he says "you're right (meaning me), dirt biking isn't safe. I'll stop" which I NEVER said - I actually liked the fact he had a hobby without me so I would be free to have my own - I thought dirt biking was cool actually and supported it all the way
To sum it all up - he wants to spend every free second of time with me and I feel like I'm being stalked.
On the other hand - I did not want a relationship to begin with and when I moved here, I tried to make friends and ended up doing what I said I wouldn't. I will not make this mistake again.
I have to somehow get out of this and I did tell him the truth - I did break up with him - but he said no. And I am spineless so I can't just shrug him off.
In anticipation of...a break?
Date: 5/05/2006 01:06 - Subscribe
Date: May 5, 2006
I write at all times - its how I funnel thoughts and ideas through my head. Its how I stay sane. Its how I make sense of the world. My world.
I used to blog on myspace and livejournal but somehow my livejournal got messed up and I thought I'd try this instead of re-create it. On myspace I have only the people I want reading my blog listed but one of them has been a good friend for ages and she is telling my ex how I am when he asks - I pretty much don't want him to know anything about me anymore so I feel compelled to edit and refrain from writing my true views. He is the only person who has been able to control me, I'm sure he still can because I cannot fully control myself (emotions and reactions) yet.
Someday. Then I'll have no need to think of him.
I don't feel as though I can delete her, she is a good person and friend, and I really don't mind if she tells him. It just hurts when I hear about him - so I'm sure he hurts when he hears about me. I will admit this here because I do not have any attactments to anyone - but - I miss him. The person he could have been. The person I would have been, though, is not what I want or who I am.
I don't, however, miss my old life, my old "friends", my place in his life. I don't miss the routine I became accustomed to for 8 years. I don't miss not knowing who I am. I still may not quite know that yet - but I'm closer than I've ever been. At least I'm not at a stand still - now I can find out freely what I'm about. What this life is about.
I want to do something challenging this summer. I want to be a camp counselor - its just a matter of finding one. My b/f won't like this time away. I've told him though and he thinks it will be good for us. I think it will help too but not in terms of "us" -more like me. Selfish - yes -but if you are not selfish at times - how are you able to present yourself happily to the world (i.e. significant other, family, friends, job) I am a firm believer you have to do things to better yourself and improve your mind and body to be able to be a happy person and be a good influence for others.
Gotta keep studying my life away...
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