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Relationship Deja vu - Subscribe
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Date: May 3, 2006 I feel trapped. I can't make sense of my life. What do I want? What don't I want? I guess it's more of a question of what do I need. Maybe I don't want to have to figure out what I need - maybe I just want someone who knows without me telling them. Because I sure as hell don't know I also don't want someone telling me what to do or running my life. I already followed someone elses life path for me. It was all laid out - perfect and ... not mine. I see it happening again. I need to stear clear, I just have let things - emotions - get to deep. I made an impression and now I risk hurting someone because I cannot figure out what I am doing. This has happened before. Once again I have my life planned out for me. It's like a play - I play the part of housewife / sex kitten / mommy. I want none of the above - I know that. I wonder if, when he's listening to me talk about the past and saying I refuse to repeat it, if he just smiles inside and thinks to himself - "someday she'll see it my way" Relationship deja vu. -J |
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The color made it real 5/04/2006 10:17 - Subscribe
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Date: May 4, 2006 This was the most cruel dream yet. Very odd how I have not had bad dreams about the past for a couple months and then all of a sudden I have one that makes me sick to my stomach and brings back the hurt once again. I was at a house. In my mind it was "our" house that we used to share, but inside it represented every apartment we had ever lived in - including my little one bedroom. At the end though, when I was outside, I knew it was the house we bought and shared while we were married. We were trying to get along and make some kind of connection again. The looks he gave me were the old ones and his eyes revealed his thoughts: "I am very unsure of you. Why am I letting you be here again with me since you hurt me so much last time". I was also very apprehesive. I just wanted everything to snap back into place and gain familiarity once again. We were inside and I started telling him "I know its going to take time to earn back trust" and he just stared at me. He would not let me touch him at all. He kept pushing me off and getting irritated. Then we decided to go to the pet store and I told him to make a list - however I didn't see "our" cats anywhere. He started walking out the door to his car parked in the street and his family and I followed. He then started throwing a fit and calling someone and then he said "they'll be here in a minute" and I kept trying to get him to tell me what was going on and he kept walking around and trying to avoid me. I thought it was his friend Darvin, and the whole dream I kept wondering about him. Knowing Darvin warned not to let me come around again. Then finally he yelled (but angrily) "I asked her to marry me!" He did not seem happy nor unhappy about this - but in my mind I saw him as smug, even though he did not portray that at all. (This just comes from how I feel he thinks about everything that makes me miserable and unhappy - you should see the image of his face in my dreams and thoughts when I am hurting and see his smugness - its haunting) I worked my way through his family. The whole time, they were only in the background, they did not affect my emotions except when I needed someone the most to hug me, hold me back and make me feel secure again. They did not do so - they just stood there watching with solemn faces. I was alone. I walked down the street, noticing the water flowing down the edge of the sidewalk and a ditch. I could see in the back of my mind at first that he was following, and I think he repeated the marriage thing again, then I turned around but kept walking. He said "I'm sorry" and I said "yeah right". I remember thinking in the dream that the only thing that would have made him saying that worse, is if he had said "Julie, I'm sorry". He rarely said my name when we were married and when he did, I knew it meant he was telling me how intense whatever he was saying was. He followed me and I'm not sure how we ended up in this position but it was like we were suspended in space and I was punching his face and kicking him and I just did it over and over. And he let me. Then just when he was about to leave I punched him in the nose and saw blood. Red blood. In my mind I was thinking the car was green and the cat food and toys I remember thinking they were supposed to be certain colors, but this entire dream was in black, grey and white until I punched his nose and it bled red. When it was black and white it seemed wrong and as though I was dreaming. The color made it real. Very odd dream. I was full of apprehension at first, then hurt and humilation, then I was angry and regretful at the same time. I am not over what happened - I need closure. I have moved on physically in a couple ways, but until I get over the past 1.5 years, I will not be whole and I will not be able to give what is needed to another relationship. This brought back some hurt. He will have to understand I am not ready. -J |
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Relaxing 5/04/2006 07:41 - Subscribe
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Date: May 4, 2006 Tonight I'm eating some kind of health food pizza with my parents. They diet for a few weeks at a time then go off of it for a couple weeks. It seems to work for them but my brother and I hate it since we are skinny and don't need to or want to diet. This is the first night I've had to myself where I did my own thing, stayed home, ate with my family, studied, and most importantly - did not have to hang out with my boyfriend. He gave me the usual guilt trip though. Then he complained because I have to work on Cinco de Mayo and the rest of the weekend. It is sad he is willing to support me and pay for everything if I was willing also. I am not. Not only do I not see us being us forever, I am not a mean psycho bitch who will take advantage of other peoples kindness. I would like to meet him later in life when I am ready to "settle down" like he already is. We are too different. He wants kids, I don't think I do (maybe in a few years -maybe not), he wants to get married, I am scared to death of being married again, he is outgoing and rambunctious, I am quiet and reserved. We are so different - I think we were both bored - no, I know we were - when we got together. I will miss him, but not as much as I miss myself and my free time. Also its first night I've been home and can watch That 70's Show and Smallville. I try to stay away from TV series but these are pretty good and I am giving myself a little break in between studying. 1 final down, 3 to go. -J |
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In anticipation of...a break? 5/05/2006 01:06 - Subscribe
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Date: May 5, 2006 I write at all times - its how I funnel thoughts and ideas through my head. Its how I stay sane. Its how I make sense of the world. My world. I used to blog on myspace and livejournal but somehow my livejournal got messed up and I thought I'd try this instead of re-create it. On myspace I have only the people I want reading my blog listed but one of them has been a good friend for ages and she is telling my ex how I am when he asks - I pretty much don't want him to know anything about me anymore so I feel compelled to edit and refrain from writing my true views. He is the only person who has been able to control me, I'm sure he still can because I cannot fully control myself (emotions and reactions) yet. Someday. Then I'll have no need to think of him. I don't feel as though I can delete her, she is a good person and friend, and I really don't mind if she tells him. It just hurts when I hear about him - so I'm sure he hurts when he hears about me. I will admit this here because I do not have any attactments to anyone - but - I miss him. The person he could have been. The person I would have been, though, is not what I want or who I am. I don't, however, miss my old life, my old "friends", my place in his life. I don't miss the routine I became accustomed to for 8 years. I don't miss not knowing who I am. I still may not quite know that yet - but I'm closer than I've ever been. At least I'm not at a stand still - now I can find out freely what I'm about. What this life is about. I want to do something challenging this summer. I want to be a camp counselor - its just a matter of finding one. My b/f won't like this time away. I've told him though and he thinks it will be good for us. I think it will help too but not in terms of "us" -more like me. Selfish - yes -but if you are not selfish at times - how are you able to present yourself happily to the world (i.e. significant other, family, friends, job) I am a firm believer you have to do things to better yourself and improve your mind and body to be able to be a happy person and be a good influence for others. Gotta keep studying my life away... -J |
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Some people. Some days. 5/06/2006 11:48 - Subscribe
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Date: May 6,2006 Today was so long! It felt balanced though. Good and bad. I worked from 7am till 2 then from 5 till 9:30. I knew during my break I could not settle down or I would be too tired to go back to work so I cleaned and then I went shirt hunting at my b/f's house. I also attempted to either break up with him or make him have no choice but to break up with me. It didn't work. He tried the whole scare tactic with me - I don't think I can do this anymore, you'll miss me when I'm gone thing. You know - that thing where they try to make you see what you'd be missing and that they will never come back. At one point he even gave me an ultimatum - if we break up, that's it, we will never talk or see each other again or we stay together and we can "be friends". When that didn't work to his advantage because I said "ok, I pick leaving so I can get my shit straight", he did the whole compromise/begging tactic. "Ok baby, lets try to work things out. We're not that bad off. I love you, I'll do anything for you to stay" I am a sucker for this shit so I agreed. So the terms are: 1. He gives me space and doesn't guilt trip me for not ALWAYS wanting to see him 2. I don't spend the night or come over anymore unless its an official date 3. He understands that I am a busy girl and after not having seen him because of work or school, he has to realize I still need time to myself after this too 4. We don't see anyone else All great - but I gave myself an out. I took all of my stuff, I made it so I don't stay, therefore no further attachment (for him not me), and we actually date - not just have sex and be a boring "old" couple. So before you think I'm a cold, heartless bitch - understand a few things: 1. I just got out of an 8.5 year relationship/marriage with my high school sweetheart and am getting to know myself again without following someone elses life path 2. He was the one who convinced me that a relationship is what I needed to get over the ex - he is dead wrong 3. I tried anyway - I somehow have picked another guy just like my ex - he wants a marriage, a family, a housewife, and then a career for me wherever he chooses to live and after the 2 kids start school. This was not told to me beforehand - yes, I should have asked - no, I didn't 4. I don't want to have kids. Maybe adopt someday but I am not giving birth 5. I do NOT want to see any one person every day of the week - I get grouchy and begin to hate the sight of them. He is needy and clingy and wants me there 24/7. 6. This has been less than a 4 month relationship where he wants me to quit my job, he wants to support my education (but only in the day when he works and can't be with me otherwise), and wants me to live with him full time NOW 7. I am a little freaked out because he gave up his passion of dirt biking because he says "you're right (meaning me), dirt biking isn't safe. I'll stop" which I NEVER said - I actually liked the fact he had a hobby without me so I would be free to have my own - I thought dirt biking was cool actually and supported it all the way To sum it all up - he wants to spend every free second of time with me and I feel like I'm being stalked. On the other hand - I did not want a relationship to begin with and when I moved here, I tried to make friends and ended up doing what I said I wouldn't. I will not make this mistake again. I have to somehow get out of this and I did tell him the truth - I did break up with him - but he said no. And I am spineless so I can't just shrug him off. Julie |