fliterbink's Blog

In anticipation of...a break?
Date: 5/05/2006 01:06 - Subscribe
Mood: antisocial


Date: May 5, 2006

I write at all times - its how I funnel thoughts and ideas through my head. Its how I stay sane. Its how I make sense of the world. My world.

I used to blog on myspace and livejournal but somehow my livejournal got messed up and I thought I'd try this instead of re-create it. On myspace I have only the people I want reading my blog listed but one of them has been a good friend for ages and she is telling my ex how I am when he asks - I pretty much don't want him to know anything about me anymore so I feel compelled to edit and refrain from writing my true views. He is the only person who has been able to control me, I'm sure he still can because I cannot fully control myself (emotions and reactions) yet.

Someday. Then I'll have no need to think of him.

I don't feel as though I can delete her, she is a good person and friend, and I really don't mind if she tells him. It just hurts when I hear about him - so I'm sure he hurts when he hears about me. I will admit this here because I do not have any attactments to anyone - but - I miss him. The person he could have been. The person I would have been, though, is not what I want or who I am.

I don't, however, miss my old life, my old "friends", my place in his life. I don't miss the routine I became accustomed to for 8 years. I don't miss not knowing who I am. I still may not quite know that yet - but I'm closer than I've ever been. At least I'm not at a stand still - now I can find out freely what I'm about. What this life is about.

I want to do something challenging this summer. I want to be a camp counselor - its just a matter of finding one. My b/f won't like this time away. I've told him though and he thinks it will be good for us. I think it will help too but not in terms of "us" -more like me. Selfish - yes -but if you are not selfish at times - how are you able to present yourself happily to the world (i.e. significant other, family, friends, job) I am a firm believer you have to do things to better yourself and improve your mind and body to be able to be a happy person and be a good influence for others.

Gotta keep studying my life away...

-J
Comments: (1)

moongirl - May 07th, 2006 " I feel compelled to edit and refrain from writing my true views" ... I have this problem perpetually. It's one of my reasons-slash-excuses for always starting new sites. And with my best friend, some years ago when we tried (disastrously) dating, he inflitrated (there is no other word) my "inner circle" of trusted online people and read a lot of things I would never have told him personally (not about him, but about other people we knew, and he was not exactly tactful, and got me in a lot of trouble). Argh, anyway. I relate.

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