fliterbink's Blog

Relaxing
Date: 5/04/2006 07:41 - Subscribe
Mood: glad


Date: May 4, 2006

Tonight I'm eating some kind of health food pizza with my parents. They diet for a few weeks at a time then go off of it for a couple weeks. It seems to work for them but my brother and I hate it since we are skinny and don't need to or want to diet.

This is the first night I've had to myself where I did my own thing, stayed home, ate with my family, studied, and most importantly - did not have to hang out with my boyfriend. He gave me the usual guilt trip though. Then he complained because I have to work on Cinco de Mayo and the rest of the weekend. It is sad he is willing to support me and pay for everything if I was willing also. I am not. Not only do I not see us being us forever, I am not a mean psycho bitch who will take advantage of other peoples kindness. I would like to meet him later in life when I am ready to "settle down" like he already is. We are too different. He wants kids, I don't think I do (maybe in a few years -maybe not), he wants to get married, I am scared to death of being married again, he is outgoing and rambunctious, I am quiet and reserved. We are so different - I think we were both bored - no, I know we were - when we got together. I will miss him, but not as much as I miss myself and my free time.

Also its first night I've been home and can watch That 70's Show and Smallville. I try to stay away from TV series but these are pretty good and I am giving myself a little break in between studying.

1 final down, 3 to go.

-J
Comments: (2)

The color made it real
Date: 5/04/2006 10:17 - Subscribe
Mood: hopeless


Date: May 4, 2006

This was the most cruel dream yet. Very odd how I have not had bad dreams about the past for a couple months and then all of a sudden I have one that makes me sick to my stomach and brings back the hurt once again.

I was at a house. In my mind it was "our" house that we used to share, but inside it represented every apartment we had ever lived in - including my little one bedroom. At the end though, when I was outside, I knew it was the house we bought and shared while we were married.

We were trying to get along and make some kind of connection again. The looks he gave me were the old ones and his eyes revealed his thoughts: "I am very unsure of you. Why am I letting you be here again with me since you hurt me so much last time". I was also very apprehesive. I just wanted everything to snap back into place and gain familiarity once again.

We were inside and I started telling him "I know its going to take time to earn back trust" and he just stared at me. He would not let me touch him at all. He kept pushing me off and getting irritated. Then we decided to go to the pet store and I told him to make a list - however I didn't see "our" cats anywhere. He started walking out the door to his car parked in the street and his family and I followed. He then started throwing a fit and calling someone and then he said "they'll be here in a minute" and I kept trying to get him to tell me what was going on and he kept walking around and trying to avoid me. I thought it was his friend Darvin, and the whole dream I kept wondering about him. Knowing Darvin warned not to let me come around again. Then finally he yelled (but angrily) "I asked her to marry me!"

He did not seem happy nor unhappy about this - but in my mind I saw him as smug, even though he did not portray that at all. (This just comes from how I feel he thinks about everything that makes me miserable and unhappy - you should see the image of his face in my dreams and thoughts when I am hurting and see his smugness - its haunting)

I worked my way through his family. The whole time, they were only in the background, they did not affect my emotions except when I needed someone the most to hug me, hold me back and make me feel secure again. They did not do so - they just stood there watching with solemn faces. I was alone.

I walked down the street, noticing the water flowing down the edge of the sidewalk and a ditch. I could see in the back of my mind at first that he was following, and I think he repeated the marriage thing again, then I turned around but kept walking. He said "I'm sorry" and I said "yeah right". I remember thinking in the dream that the only thing that would have made him saying that worse, is if he had said "Julie, I'm sorry". He rarely said my name when we were married and when he did, I knew it meant he was telling me how intense whatever he was saying was.

He followed me and I'm not sure how we ended up in this position but it was like we were suspended in space and I was punching his face and kicking him and I just did it over and over. And he let me. Then just when he was about to leave I punched him in the nose and saw blood. Red blood.

In my mind I was thinking the car was green and the cat food and toys I remember thinking they were supposed to be certain colors, but this entire dream was in black, grey and white until I punched his nose and it bled red. When it was black and white it seemed wrong and as though I was dreaming. The color made it real.

Very odd dream. I was full of apprehension at first, then hurt and humilation, then I was angry and regretful at the same time.

I am not over what happened - I need closure. I have moved on physically in a couple ways, but until I get over the past 1.5 years, I will not be whole and I will not be able to give what is needed to another relationship. This brought back some hurt.

He will have to understand I am not ready.

-J
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Relationship Deja vu
Date: 5/04/2006 10:17 - Subscribe
Mood: trapped


Date: May 3, 2006

I feel trapped. I can't make sense of my life. What do I want? What don't I want? I guess it's more of a question of what do I need.
Maybe I don't want to have to figure out what I need - maybe I just want someone who knows without me telling them. Because I sure as hell don't know
I also don't want someone telling me what to do or running my life. I already followed someone elses life path for me. It was all laid out - perfect and ... not mine.
I see it happening again. I need to stear clear, I just have let things - emotions - get to deep. I made an impression and now I risk hurting someone because I cannot figure out what I am doing.
This has happened before.
Once again I have my life planned out for me. It's like a play - I play the part of housewife / sex kitten / mommy. I want none of the above - I know that.
I wonder if, when he's listening to me talk about the past and saying I refuse to repeat it, if he just smiles inside and thinks to himself - "someday she'll see it my way"
Relationship deja vu.

-J


Comments: (1)