Some people. Some days.
Date: 5/06/2006 11:48 - Subscribe
Mood: pouty
Date: May 6,2006
Today was so long! It felt balanced though. Good and bad.
I worked from 7am till 2 then from 5 till 9:30. I knew during my break I could not settle down or I would be too tired to go back to work so I cleaned and then I went shirt hunting at my b/f's house. I also attempted to either break up with him or make him have no choice but to break up with me.
It didn't work.
He tried the whole scare tactic with me - I don't think I can do this anymore, you'll miss me when I'm gone thing. You know - that thing where they try to make you see what you'd be missing and that they will never come back. At one point he even gave me an ultimatum - if we break up, that's it, we will never talk or see each other again or we stay together and we can "be friends". When that didn't work to his advantage because I said "ok, I pick leaving so I can get my shit straight", he did the whole compromise/begging tactic. "Ok baby, lets try to work things out. We're not that bad off. I love you, I'll do anything for you to stay"
I am a sucker for this shit so I agreed. So the terms are:
1. He gives me space and doesn't guilt trip me for not ALWAYS wanting to see him
2. I don't spend the night or come over anymore unless its an official date
3. He understands that I am a busy girl and after not having seen him because of work or school, he has to realize I still need time to myself after this too
4. We don't see anyone else
All great - but I gave myself an out. I took all of my stuff, I made it so I don't stay, therefore no further attachment (for him not me), and we actually date - not just have sex and be a boring "old" couple.
So before you think I'm a cold, heartless bitch - understand a few things:
1. I just got out of an 8.5 year relationship/marriage with my high school sweetheart and am getting to know myself again without following someone elses life path
2. He was the one who convinced me that a relationship is what I needed to get over the ex - he is dead wrong
3. I tried anyway - I somehow have picked another guy just like my ex - he wants a marriage, a family, a housewife, and then a career for me wherever he chooses to live and after the 2 kids start school. This was not told to me beforehand - yes, I should have asked - no, I didn't
4. I don't want to have kids. Maybe adopt someday but I am not giving birth
5. I do NOT want to see any one person every day of the week - I get grouchy and begin to hate the sight of them. He is needy and clingy and wants me there 24/7.
6. This has been less than a 4 month relationship where he wants me to quit my job, he wants to support my education (but only in the day when he works and can't be with me otherwise), and wants me to live with him full time NOW
7. I am a little freaked out because he gave up his passion of dirt biking because he says "you're right (meaning me), dirt biking isn't safe. I'll stop" which I NEVER said - I actually liked the fact he had a hobby without me so I would be free to have my own - I thought dirt biking was cool actually and supported it all the way
To sum it all up - he wants to spend every free second of time with me and I feel like I'm being stalked.
On the other hand - I did not want a relationship to begin with and when I moved here, I tried to make friends and ended up doing what I said I wouldn't. I will not make this mistake again.
I have to somehow get out of this and I did tell him the truth - I did break up with him - but he said no. And I am spineless so I can't just shrug him off.
Julie
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