fliterbink's Blog

Who is in control?
Date: 5/20/2006 11:27 - Subscribe
Mood: illuminated


Date: May 19, 2006

All too often people have controlling relationships. I know 3 people who resist it, however, I feel certain that its bound to happen in any relationship, even to a small degree. With these 3 people, it causes problems and in turn, puts them in the controlling position. One of my friends and the significant other had it pretty balanced for quite a while - but when they both found out neither was in control, it started not working and they broke up after a couple years. YEARS! Its a long time.

When one person feels they cannot get along without the other, they are allowing themselves to be controlled. When one person has not figured out who they are and what their life goals are, they are allowing themselves to be controlled. When there is a lack of trust with either person, there will be a control issue.

On the other hand, there is a healthy amount of control that needs to be in all relationships. If you're in a relationship, you need someone who brings out the best in you and is willing to help you better yourself. Things like eating healthy, exercise, being a good person.... You have to realize that as soon as you confide in someone your thoughts and trust them with your feelings - you are giving them a certain amount of control. This is ok as long as they take care of never using them against you (I can say I'm guilty of this and its very hurtful to the other person)

Why do we allow ourselves to think that other people can make us happy? Can they really? Of course, they can add to your happiness, but what happens if they die or leave? You are on your own. So - Learn how to be a happy person without influences from someone/thing else! If you're happy with yourself, you are more able to be able to contribute to someone elses happiness.

This last relationship I had - I found I was relying on someone else to keep me from being bored. Yes - it was fun for a little while, but I wasn't actually happy. I couldn't give everything that makes a relationship - and because I was trying - 1) it was insincere and not everything I had, 2) I was making myself unhappy, therefore not making him happy. I had complete control. He used to say "I won't be your beck and call boy", but he did it because he thought I was making him happy. So - I was in control. It's really weird, and this is how I know it wasn't meant to be, but I didn't feel sad or hurt by not seeing him anymore. I was so relieved and I will not do that again. I also learned by his reaction to certain situations he is not someone I should ever have dated. I like to be around people who are in control of themselves. I understand there are going to be difficulties in life (hell I've had the best of them!), but he had no self control and his first instinct was to blame everyone else. He now blames me for screwing "us" up. Its cool - I'll take that blame because I know its not what I wanted and I ended it. Thats what you're supposed to do that early on right? Not keep trying when you know its wrong???

I suppose this is not everyones concept of how things work. I just know that I want to be able to make myself happy because what if I don't find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? At this point - I could totally be ok with that. I know what I want and I am learning more and more how to make myself happy.

I read this somewhere and wrote it down, not sure where tho... "If someone is needy or impulsive, they'll rush into a committment because everything seems so perfect - the passion blinds them to further relationship realities" Further relationship realities meaning they may not be compatible or have the same goals or even be in the same place spiritually, emotionally and mentally in life. Of course its going to be fun and exciting at first but think about it - can you live with that person forever? Thats the point of dating before having a serious relationship right?

I think I'll just become a professional dater haha!

Comments: (1)

moongirl - May 25th, 2006 "as soon as you confide in someone your thoughts and trust them with your feelings - you are giving them a certain amount of control. This is ok as long as they take care of never using them against you" And here is the biggest difference between my current boyfriend and every other guy I've dated: I know he won't use anything against me, in any way. I know he won't blab to others to make fun of me (though sometimes I say he can, if I think something is funny and I don't mind being laughed at). With my ex on the other hand, *everything* was about him being in control, even if it wasn't obvious at the time. After we broke up I found out a lot of stuff that really, really made me mad. Well, so it goes.

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