Date: Oct 7th, 2004 3:03:25 pm - Subscribe
you've given me a heart like a gun: grr
man oh man. im so tired. i worked the past three days and decided to take off from school today which i probably shouldn't have done but oh well. so it looks like i am going to be studying abroad in ireland next year. im really excited but now i can't spend any of the money im making cause this is going to be a very expensive little escapade. i suppose its worth it. who am i kidding its definatley worth it. im waiting on paul to get back right now. i hate it when he does this whole "hold on for a sec" and hten 15 min later he comes back. theres a BIG difference between a sec and 15 min. hmm..so im really tired and if he dosen't come back soon im going to sleep. tomorrow hannah and i are going to see vanity fair. yay! and then we're going to eat at brogen's peir side (she dosen't know that yet) and then on to kickball and shannon's house. saturday jackie and i have to go to savannah to get halloween costumes for the party at work. we're doing the pumpkin carving contest and its gonna be fun! im excited. halloween is my favorite holiday. ok well im really not going to be able to stay awake much longer so i guess im gonna go. im sad though because i really want to talk to paul. i wonder if that was holli who signed on under his name? i hope not or his will be in big trouble. hmm... what to talk about while i wait? uuuhhh....well im gonna see if jackie wants me to work for her saturday so i can make some extra $$$. and..ummm...i don't know. i really dont have anything else to say. its been almost 20 min since paul told me to hold on. this is rediculous. ahh! hmm... im so tired. ok this is stupid im gone.
more random thoughts
Date: Oct 2nd, 2004 9:48:01 am - Subscribe
you've given me a heart like a gun: bang! bang!
i want a puppy. i found a very small chihuahua puppy not too far from here. he's really cute and when my mom gets home im going to BEG her to let me get it.
my dad let opie go. sad.
i want my new car!!! grrr!
im starving so i'll write more after i get some grub.
l a t a g a t a.
waiting for tonight
Date: Oct 1st, 2004 11:28:51 pm - Subscribe
you've given me a heart like a gun: someone new?
so we played kick ball tonight as always. my team won 8 to 2. we killed them. jason was there but he wasn't as obnoxious as usual. kyle wasn't there but he never is. i found out that kyle is doing jason's little sister allie. so basically that ruins my interest in him. she's so dirty. anyhow. tonight i feel sad but not as much as i use to. its strange that wanting to cut has become normal now. its been a while since the last time a actually went through with it. a couple of months i suppose. paul noticed the scars the last time i was with him. it actually made me happy that he did. so he knows the extent of what he's done to me. and he's still doing. im trying to be strong though. im suppose to hang out with van tomorrow. im considering dating him. i just need someone who cares about me and is willing to spend a lot of their time with me and i know he is. he's a good guy. he's just a little crazy like me. we're very similar and thats scarey but could also be a good thing. i guess we'll see how it works out. the last time was a bit of a mess. i just want to hang out with him alone. no drugs or alcohol involved. i really just want to go see a movie and go to dinner and just get use to each other. and be comfortable with each other. i think thats the best way to go with he and i. i really don't want to date someone who smokes all the time but maybe he will be willing to at least cut back around me. i don't know. i really want this to work out. i need someone in my life again. its been way too long. almost a year. and when that day rolls around i want to be surrounded by all of my closest friends because i can feel a break down coming on. but the fair is soon and so is halloween so maybe things will go well andi won't even think about it when the time comes. ok. enough for now. oh yeah. i decided that paul and i shouldn't hook up anymore cause it makes me crazy. ok. later gator.
written on 6/20/2004
Date: Sep 28th, 2004 3:30:18 pm - Subscribe
you've given me a heart like a gun: oh the memories
Why is it that I always make the same mistakes with you over and over again?
It would seem that maybe I should have learned my lesson by now but I can't help letting you in every time you call.
And I wish you didn't but I'm happy when you do.
Its impossible to heal when you keep reopening the wounds.
So once again I will let my temporary sanity flow.
And there will be permanent reminders of how I feel about you and how you don't feel about me.
But I will sit here and wait for you to decide to call again. And you will eventually although I'm not quite sure why.
I think it has something to do with trying to not feel guilty for what you've done to me and what you continue to do.
Its not your fault I always give in.
Its just the way that you kiss me and the sound of your whispers in my ear.
And the warmth.
But its not the same. I still love you. And I probably always will.
You stopped along time ago.
I just have to come to terms with the way things are now.
But its so hard when all of my dreams are made of you.
And you make it seem as if they are possible and maybe you even want them too.
But its all just a game to see how much of me you can use and how long I'll take the abuse.
Oh I'll take it.
But I'll let my misery escape through my veins and youâ€™ll never know.
I'll make sure to keep the lights low when we're close.
No one ever knows.
a part of me wishes they did so that I don't feel so alone. It hard for me to bear this pain on my own.
But every day I grow a little stronger and a little more distant to the outside and my insides.
I just wish you would grow out of your boyish tendencies and realize that I am here for you when ever you need me or even just when you want me but if this last much longer I might be dead inside by the time you understand that.
Please don't let me die.
I still need you. Your still all that matters to me.
OH MY GOD!
Date: Sep 21st, 2004 4:24:41 pm - Subscribe
you've given me a heart like a gun: so what if im random
hahaha. got ya. you thought i had something interesting to say didn't you. nooo. never. hmm...so my day has been ok. i actually went to all my classes for once. i turned in my 12 page paper that kicks ass. i also semi-failed a us history quiz but what can i say? my US HISTORY teacher is from FRANCE! thats the most idiotic thing i've ever heard. anyhow, after school kim called. i know i was shocked too. but the conversation wasn't a shock.
rachel:hows it going
kim:good. oh my ga!(i hate that she does that)
kim:i went on a date with this boy and now im in love with him blahblahblahblah(continues for about half an hour)
rachel: wow thats great
kim:yeah well i have to go write a paper but call me later
now whats wrong with that conversation? well you see i find it to be quite rude not to ask about someone when you haven't seem them in a month and don't ever talk to them. she didn't even ask how i was or what i'd been up to. i could be dying for christs sake and she wouldn't even care. all she wants to do is brag about how great valdosta is when we all know its not.
so hannah said kyle is defiantley comming to kick ball this friday. he had better or i will pitch a major princess-type fit. seriously. this is the third time he said he would come and he hasn't the past two times. maybe he will though. last time he and jason got in a big fight. i can't believe jason thought he had a chance with me. wow. i sound like such a bitch. but you have to understand, i've said before that i like mean boys. i like the boys who piss me off and mess up all the time. i just do. i get bored with nice boys. i need some excitement. and the way my relationship works out with assholes is that they mess up, i get pissed and we fight. then they make me feel bad for getting pissed even though they're the one that does something wrong. then i forgive them and we make up. jason is just too nice for me. i'd be the one hurting him. and thats just no way to be. i'd rather be getting hurt than hurting someone else. i can hadle it. im a tough girl.
man. i love the new usher and alicia keys song "my boo". i love usher.
anyhow. so im already getting ready for friday night. how crazy is that? i got some new self tanner and put some on today. it works really good. yes,yes. i do live at the beach but that dosen't mean that i have time to layout. so what if last weekend was beautiful and warm? i was busy.....watching sad movies and crying all the time. i couldn't help it though. horomones are a bitch. i hate it when i cry for no reason. the other day i cried because i couldn't find my black steve madden stillettos with the anke wrap. i have like 212398472983 million pairs of black steve maddens but i wanted those and i started crying cause i couldn't find them. im such a girl. i hate it.
well im running out of things to say but im sure i'll think of something in a little while.
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