forgetting's Blog

waiting for tonight
Date: Oct 2nd, 2004 4:28:51 am - Subscribe
Mood: reclusive
you've given me a heart like a gun: someone new?

so we played kick ball tonight as always. my team won 8 to 2. we killed them. jason was there but he wasn't as obnoxious as usual. kyle wasn't there but he never is. i found out that kyle is doing jason's little sister allie. so basically that ruins my interest in him. she's so dirty. anyhow. tonight i feel sad but not as much as i use to. its strange that wanting to cut has become normal now. its been a while since the last time a actually went through with it. a couple of months i suppose. paul noticed the scars the last time i was with him. it actually made me happy that he did. so he knows the extent of what he's done to me. and he's still doing. im trying to be strong though. im suppose to hang out with van tomorrow. im considering dating him. i just need someone who cares about me and is willing to spend a lot of their time with me and i know he is. he's a good guy. he's just a little crazy like me. we're very similar and thats scarey but could also be a good thing. i guess we'll see how it works out. the last time was a bit of a mess. i just want to hang out with him alone. no drugs or alcohol involved. i really just want to go see a movie and go to dinner and just get use to each other. and be comfortable with each other. i think thats the best way to go with he and i. i really don't want to date someone who smokes all the time but maybe he will be willing to at least cut back around me. i don't know. i really want this to work out. i need someone in my life again. its been way too long. almost a year. and when that day rolls around i want to be surrounded by all of my closest friends because i can feel a break down coming on. but the fair is soon and so is halloween so maybe things will go well andi won't even think about it when the time comes. ok. enough for now. oh yeah. i decided that paul and i shouldn't hook up anymore cause it makes me crazy. ok. later gator.
Comments: (2)

mux - October 02nd, 2004 Dont cut urself!!! please dont...i seriously think that is messed up when people cut themselves...and it makes me all like...wierd on the inside and makes me wanna lash out and say WTF...why do u do that... but i really kno why they do it... but seriously...ur a beutiful person...u dont need to cut urself for attention... seriously... u shouldnt have that much of a problem getting a good boyfriend...and if that paul guys doesnt realize how badly you want to be with him...poo on him...u'll find someone better im sure of it!

forgetting - October 02nd, 2004 just so you know i don't cut for attention. its so i can calm down and forget what im feeling inside for a while. the cuts are in places that no one will see. the only reason paul saw them was because i didn't have clothes on. and i haven't done it in a while. i use to do it all the time but i've gotten a lot better. its just that the thought crosses me mind whenever i get sad because its such an easy escape. im trying very hard to be stronger though. and i don't do it because i don't have a boyfriend. finding a boyfriend isn't a problem. finding a good boyfriend is. i have no intentions of getting hurt again like i did with paul. and paul does know how bably i want to be with him. he just dosen't want to be with me and thats why its so terrible for me. i live in a very small town so finding good people is almost impossible because i know pretty much everyone. and im already friends with the good people or have dated them. its incredibly frustrating! but im trying.

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