My Friends: evie, rendezvous, fxckyou, superduper, ___brokenx, evrsosweet, Roger, marlene, just_jes, deathcab4u, david

For the record

- Subscribe

I'm hoping this isn't a full blown depressive episode. Felt a bit manic a few days ago but nothing too destructive. Now I'm not eating because I feel too overwhelmed to go to the store. I'm not particularly busy or stressed, just withdrawn. I have a date on Sunday but it's just kind of dissolving into the sea of all the guys who have been pressuring me to see them again. There really isn't anything I want to do or anyone I want to see. Things just feel so much harder than they are. My apartment has been a mess for a few weeks now. Knitting, cooking, reading have all been on the back burner for a couple days. My mind races and I can't focus. I just can't right now.


Mood: jaded
(0) Comments.

evie


Last of the Acid

Jan 21st, 2018 9:13:19 pm - Subscribe

Perched upon my mountaintop.
Looking down at all the people I once knew.
My influence is so weak, yet here I sit, watching it all. I know more than everyone but my voice isn't loud enough. I can tell everyone what I know but I'm too far away.
They see me here. They wave.
I wave back.
They love me.
But they're so far away.
So far away.


(0) Comments.

evie


Deflated Mattress

Dec 12th, 2017 1:58:02 pm - Subscribe

Lately things have been great. I wake up early and do little things to stay busy. I buy groceries, meal prep for the next few days, do dishes, put things away, do puzzles, yoga, drink countless cups of delicious tea, check the mirror to track my weight loss, enjoy the shows and hobbies that I put off while I was too sad to focus. As I leave for work in the evening, I look around my apartment and think "I'm nailing this."

I write down positive affirmations and short term goals. I'm rested and content. I'm ready for visitors at any given moment.

Not today.

Today my insides are screaming. I'm exhausted and lonely. I can't even get in the shower so I just washed my bangs to look presentable for work. I probably smell bad. Nothing is wrong or different. I'm just not okay today. And that is okay.


Mood: tranquil
(1) Comments.

evie


Shh

Oct 22nd, 2017 8:48:48 pm - Subscribe

I once slept with a married man in my old life, in a different town and state. He stopped by once again. I was his indulgence. An escape from his reality. He made plans to see me, now, in a different state, a different part of my life.

And cancelled.

My past is so foreign. Even the oddities and novelties won't approach me.

I have no idea who I was or who I've become.

I have always been a secret.


(3) Comments.

evie


319

Jul 8th, 2017 10:01:31 am - Subscribe

A light sandwich and an orange for lunch
Twenty minute nap
A handful of peanuts for a snack

Example was his only means of authority.
Never reckless
Never a raised voice or fist
His absence was never a result of anger.

Provide
Protect

Numbers and logic
rather than emotion and gossip

I can only cite a few of his countless accomplishments
And acts of kindness
From the tear stained words of strangers.
Never mentioned within the house
Not for fear of boasting
But because restoring a historic hotel
while cradling the dumb, derelict, and dying
are as obligatory and trivial to him as paying bills and folding laundry.
We never knew
but were never surprised
when the neighbors told us how much his actions meant.

I want to beg him to stay.
He has to because I still need him.
But I won't let him know
he failed to prepare me for this.

These things don't happen to men like him.
I should not have to accept his Ninth Step.
I don't want to admit that I deserve it.



Mood: fragile
(1) Comments.

evie


Unlocked

Jun 26th, 2017 9:49:50 pm - Subscribe

Tannar
Zach
Gregory
Hillary
Lucas or Bill
And Alex.

But still no job.


Mood: bruised
(0) Comments.

evie


Apps

Jun 15th, 2017 9:17:11 pm - Subscribe

Sometimes tinder dates lead to streaking with your hookup's girlfriend in a rainstorm.

I'm less unhappy than I was a few days ago.


Mood: worn
(0) Comments.

evie


Never Have I Ever

May 22nd, 2017 4:49:55 pm - Subscribe

I've never felt so sad, tired and lost that when a cop aimed his gun at my face I thought to myself, meh this is fine.

[Drinks]


Mood: intrigued
(5) Comments.

evie


Updates

Dec 15th, 2016 3:17:47 pm - Subscribe

I spent ten years of my life finishing my degree, working in housekeeping, and living in less than desirable apartments. Friends have come and gone. Mostly gone. Romantic relationships have ranged from complicated to abusive. I can't remember a time when I had confidence that things would be okay.

Three months ago I moved to South Dakota. My boyfriend graciously allowed me to move in to his small apartment for the time being, and to keep my boxes piled high in his living room. The boxes do not contain anything valuable. Useless antiques, dresses that don't fit, craft supplies, and a ridiculous amount of makeup that I bought during a manic episode over a year ago.

I was optimistic. I have a college degree and proof that I'm a hard working, loyal employee. I had no doubt that I would be able to get a decent job right away.

I applied to over thirty jobs since I got here. Mostly receptionist jobs. I don't want to be a receptionist. I want a career that I care about. I want to work for an organization or a non-profit. I want to help the mentally ill, disabled, addicted. I want to assist the marginalized, the ones society gave up on. I want to go to bed at the end of the day and feel like I made a difference. I want to matter.

No one will hire me. I've had four interviews out of the endless applications that I filled out. Only one hired me. I couldn't commit to that job. I couldn't justify putting that much of myself into something I didn't care about. I don't want to go back to housekeeping. That's not why I came here.

I kept looking and applying. It was the first time in my life that I didn't immediately give up.

Now I'm giving up. I feel worthless.

It's so cold here. Trump is the new president. His cabinet is full of garbage. Standing Rock won a small victory only to have their water destroyed by an existing pipeline. I have no hope. The country is dying. Racism and misogyny are fighting full force.

I'm losing my health insurance next month. I'm running out of money. Food doesn't taste good. I haven't slept in my boyfriend's bed in weeks. I don't sleep well anyway. I'm stuck inside my head day after day, and I can't stand the person in the mirror. Every second that I'm awake and sober feels like an hour. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I'm running out of options. I'm so tired. I feel like letting go.


(1) Comments.

evie


Utilitarianism

Jun 13th, 2016 6:24:01 pm - Subscribe

I never mean to hurt people. It just happens. I know my actions cause pain. Things aren't black and white. There is no longer a right and wrong like there was when I was a child.

Don't take things that don't belong to you.
Share with others.
Don't say mean things.
Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
Don't cut in line.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.

It was simple. Don't hurt people. There is no longer a line separating the two. Now I try to go by the rule of "cause minimal suffering."

There are not enough words in the english language to describe different types of love or the way it can change over time. People can fall in and out of love. People can love people they never thought they could love. Love can fluctuate rapidly over periods of time. Love can surprise and frighten us. People can love multiple people equally. Some people only love themselves.

I loved someone but not as much as he loved me. Some days I felt like my love for him could grow into what he felt for me. I just needed more time, I thought. There was not a single thing I disliked about him. We didn't always see eye to eye and I didn't see a future with him. I knew my heart wasn't in it but I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to feel the same way. I felt defective. While I felt comfort, I wanted passion. When we were together, I wanted to be alone. When he initiated sex, I wanted sleep.

He told me it was the worst thing that anyone ever did to him. He called my friends "faggots" and accused me of wanting to have sex with an asexual. He told me I "shit on" him and repeatedly asked why I was doing this to him. He told me I was phony and that I am a different person around my friends. He said I try too hard to be cool. He said I used him. He told me to fuck off too many times to count.

In three months, he gave me too much power. He expected too much. I didn't mean to hurt him.

I believe everything he said. I feel like an uncaring monster.


Mood: unstable
(0) Comments.

evie


Dear Diary

Mar 13th, 2016 5:37:26 pm - Subscribe

Things really fell apart these past few weeks. I tried to cut ties with a toxic person who was sucking the life out of me when she announced that my best friend raped her.

I tried to comfort her. I offered to take her to the police station. Though her story changed several times, the details didn't add up, and it was drastically out of character for him to do such a thing, I believed her. Unfortunately, his side of the story made more sense. He didn't change the details or the sequence of events. He showed me text messages that contradicted things that she told me.

She threw a fit when I told her I needed space. I never told her that I doubted her story, rather that I was having trouble dealing with the fact that someone I knew and loved for six years is a rapist and that this was just too much drama for me to handle right now. She accused me of abandoning her and screamed about the fact that he and I referred to each other as best friends. I suddenly realized that she was completely obsessed with me and this was her way of getting him out of the picture so that I would have more time to take care of her.

I'm terrified of her now.

Meanwhile in my life, I finally decided to stop doubting the state of my relationships, to simply love my significant other and trust that he loves me. It was time to end the relentless distance and move in with him. I had never been so ready for anything. It was the first time in our relationship that I ever made a decision without first begging for reassurance. It felt like a major milestone for me.

He broke up with me while I was driving.

I cried for hours, knowing that our good times together had to come to an end, but also mourning the life I had envisioned for myself, escaping this town and becoming the person I honestly believed I could be, relaxing into stability and comfort of the only man I ever truly fell for.

Instead I reverted back to my old ways. I smoked dope, popped pills, and drank with Keli, like I always do when I can't handle the truth. I slept with old friends and bartenders. I'm the same person I was before I met him. He was a five-year pipe dream.

It seems as though my life has completely fallen apart. I'm stuck. I will never have enough money to leave this place on my own. The most important person in my life finally realized that he is better off without me. My best friend may or may not be a rapist. I unintentionally hurt an obsessive, unstable woman while trying to do what was best for my well-being.

When I told Bartender that I don't have any friends left, he said "Sure you do." I looked into his eyes, pleading for compassion. He pointed to my drink and said "You have a friend right there in front of you."


Mood: shattered
(1) Comments.

evie


Interpretations

Jan 10th, 2016 10:09:18 pm - Subscribe

Last night I had a thickly veiled dream about Hays. I was sitting on my couch watching a movie when Frank tapped on my window. My heart raced and I jumped up to let him in. I'm always excited to see him. But as I made my way to the door I saw Chris's van parked out front. I looked out the window and saw Chris grinning and waving at me. I asked Frank what the hell he was doing there and he just kept insisting that I let them in. I stood at the window, conflicted. If I allow my old friend Frank to come inside, I would have to let the worst human being possible inside as well. I closed the blinds and paced around my apartment, unable to make a decision.

Frank represents the comfort of staying in Hays. He never changes. I'm never disappointed because I never expect anything. Our relationship never blossoms into romance, which means he can never let me down or hurt me. There are no risks with Frank.

Chris is my shitty job, shitty apartment, racist coworkers, all the people that I run into on a regular basis, but wish I could never see again. He is the bad experiences and the complete lack of growth.

If I stay in Hays, I cannot have one without the other. I can't allow one in while slamming the door on the other. If I take a risk and leave Hays, I'm leaving behind the comfort and familiarity of a place I've called home for nearly ten years.

But I would also leave behind this lazy, unambitious person I've become.



Mood: apprehensive
(0) Comments.

evie


Let's Encrypt Closed Beta Invite

Nov 16th, 2015 4:58:53 pm - Subscribe

I've been waiting over 2 years for my invite to Let's Encrypt. However just a few minutes ago I received my invite!



Help and Known Issues

You can get help with the client and Let's Encrypt at:

https://community.letsencrypt.org/

Known issues with the Python client can be tracked here:

https://github.com/letsencrypt/letsencrypt/issues

Please search thoroughly for existing issues before filing a new report!

Renewals and Lifetimes

Certificates from Let's Encrypt are valid for 90 days. We recommend renewing them every 60 days to provide a nice margin of error. As a beta participant, you should be prepared to manually renew your certificates at that time. As we get closer to General Availability, we hope to have automatic renewal tested and working on more platforms, but for now, please play it safe and keep track.

Helpful Information

Let's Encrypt maintainence events are posted on https://letsencrypt.status.io/ and Twitter (@letsencrypt_ops). If you need help, both the Let's Encrypt community at https://community.letsencrypt.org/ and #letsencrypt on irc.freenode.org are excellent sources of assistance.

If there are updates for Beta program participants, they will be posted at the community site at:

https://community.letsencrypt.org/t/beta-program-announcements/1631.

Finally

On behalf of everyone involved in Let's Encrypt, welcome to the future of the encrypted web.

Note: Please do not respond to this email. This is a one-time notification about your acceptance into the Beta Program. You will not receive further emails about our Beta Program unless you send in another application.

https://letsencrypt.readthedocs.org/en/latest/using.html#installation-and-usage

Mood: tired
Currently Listening To: No music
(3) Comments.

david


php5 (5.4.45-0+deb7u2) wheezy-security; urgency=medium

Nov 15th, 2015 6:51:46 pm - Subscribe

As if you didn't know by now... (Raspberry Pi Notice)



* PHP 5.4 has reached end-of-life on 14 Sep 2015 and as a result there
will be no more new upstream releases. The security support of PHP
5.4 in Debian will be best effort only and you are strongly advised
to upgrade to latest stable Debian release that includes PHP 5.6 that
will reach end of security support on 28 Aug 2017.

-- Ondřej Surý Sun, 04 Oct 2015 17:05:37 +0200

Mood: good
Currently Listening To: No music
(0) Comments.

david


Linux Bash - Command Editing Shortcuts

Nov 15th, 2015 3:04:10 pm - Subscribe

Here are some linux bash shortcut commands that I plan on getting use to using daily. Some I already use every now and again, others I do not. This is a nice reference sheet for myself.

  • Ctrl + a – go to the start of the command line
  • Ctrl + e – go to the end of the command line
  • Ctrl + k – delete from cursor to the end of the command line
  • Ctrl + u – delete from cursor to the start of the command line
  • Ctrl + w – delete from cursor to start of word (i.e. delete backwards one word)
  • Ctrl + y – paste word or text that was cut using one of the deletion shortcuts (such as the one above) after the cursor
  • Ctrl + xx – move between start of command line and current cursor position (and back again)
  • Alt + b – move backward one word (or go to start of word the cursor is currently on)
  • Alt + f – move forward one word (or go to end of word the cursor is currently on)
  • Alt + d – delete to end of word starting at cursor (whole word if cursor is at the beginning of word)
  • Alt + c – capitalize to end of word starting at cursor (whole word if cursor is at the beginning of word)
  • Alt + u – make uppercase from cursor to end of word
  • Alt + l – make lowercase from cursor to end of word
  • Alt + t – swap current word with previous
  • Ctrl + f – move forward one character
  • Ctrl + b – move backward one character
  • Ctrl + d – delete character under the cursor
  • Ctrl + h – delete character before the cursor
  • Ctrl + t – swap character under cursor with the previous one

    Source:
    Bash Shortcuts For Maximum Productivity

    Mood: good
    Currently Listening To: No music
    (0) Comments.

    david


  • My Keyboard Shortcuts for Gmail

    Nov 15th, 2015 1:31:50 pm - Subscribe

    This is a reference for myself, these are the most used Gmail shortcuts that I use on a daily bases.



    Keyboard Shortcuts for Gmail
  • Keyboard key: c | Compose | Allows you to compose a new message. Shift + c allows you to compose a message in a new window.
  • Keyboard key: / | Search | Puts your cursor in the search box.
  • Keyboard key: k | Move to newer conversation | Opens or moves your cursor to a more recent conversation. You can hit Enter to expand a conversation.
  • Keyboard key: j | Move to older conversation | Opens or moves your cursor to the next oldest conversation. You can hit Enter to expand a conversation.
  • Keyboard key: n | Newer message | In 'Conversation view', moves your cursor to the newer message. You can hit Enter to expand or collapse a message.
  • Keyboard key: # | Delete | Moves the conversation to Trash.
  • Keyboard key: z | Undo | Reverses your previous action, if possible (works for actions with an 'undo' link)

    Source:
    Keyboard shortcuts for Gmail

    Mood: Good
    Currently Listening To: No Music
    (6) Comments.

    david


  • How to Unblock your Website from Facebook & Instagram

    Nov 9th, 2015 10:08:33 pm - Subscribe

    Has your website been blocked from Facebook or Instagram? Are you interested in getting your domain off the block list? Follow the instructions below.

    Good evening guys, I got a contact form request from davidpolanco.com that asked the social networking question:

    "Hey David, not sure if you can help me but my website has been blocked from Facebook and Instagram. I am pretty sure it's because of a virus/malware noticed that I received from Google Diagnostics regarding my site. Well anyways I wanted to know if you had any information on how I could remove my website from the block list on Facebook and Instagram, any information regarding this would be greatly appreciated."

    Facebook Blocked Website


    Hey there, yes you can unblock your website from Facebook however I am not sure about Instagram, but since Instagram is owned by Facebook I am pretty sure the 2 networks will communicate with each other. Once the virus/malware is removed head over to Facebook's Website or Content Blocked page. I have provided a link below. Filling out this form will notify Facebook and will begin the unblock process of your website. The form is fairly short, however I would be prepared to wait 7 to 10 business days to be delisted as a nefarious site.

    Facebook or Website Content Blocked:
    https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/244560538958131

    Mood: good
    Currently Listening To: DJ Doboy - Vocal Volume 3
    (0) Comments.

    david


    Die Young

    Oct 26th, 2015 10:33:29 pm - Subscribe

    I couldn't even make it two weeks on the lithium. I knew that there would be tradeoffs. I knew I was sacrificing my character for my safety. I did not anticipate that I would lose my intelligence. That my thoughts would dissolve as quickly as I produced them. That I would spend hours looking for my keys, only to get distracted and go into a trance, glancing at the clock and wondering how the time slipped past me. That I would often lose control of my jaw and would not realize my mouth was gaping open until I walked past a mirror. That the lack of emotion would not follow me to bed and my dreams would be filled with terror and sorrow. That I would lose the ability to read and write. That mania would still occur, it just would not be as pretty. That the sadness would come in as crashing waves, rather than a steady stream to wade through.

    But I felt alright. For the first time in my life, I felt just alright.


    Mood: sedated
    (0) Comments.

    evie


    Pluto TV

    Oct 18th, 2015 2:22:00 pm - Subscribe

    I found this little gem over the weekend, it basically aggregates the Internets video and movies and places them in to a nice channel line up.



    Pluto TV - offers over 100 channels of the best shows and videos on your desktop, mobile device or tablet. Watch sports clips, music videos, science, fashion and more!



    External Link:
    Pluto TV: Entertaining the planet.

    Mood: good
    Currently Listening To: none
    (0) Comments.

    david


    Little Motel

    Oct 12th, 2015 11:06:29 pm - Subscribe

    is about my parents.


    Mood: invincible
    (0) Comments.

    evie


    Next Page >

    Name:

    Email:

    Message:



    TAG-BOARD.COM

    -> Kappa Pi Alpha
    -> Song Meanings
    -> Bentley College