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julesnmax Ikea- Life's Disappointment - Subscribe
So I bought new bookshelves from Ikea. For me they are new, a few scratches here and there but for Ikea they are "as-is". Alright, just fine. I got a discount from $99 to $69. Then I paid for the home delivery and everything was settled-for then...

The next day the delivery guys show up. One appeared to be rough and had taken one far too many tumbles in his time and the other was a smart mouthed baby care bear (undoubtedly related to Uncle NoHeart). They bring both shelves in and then the more threatening of the two announces, "I have bad news. I broke the leg off of your bookcase." I stood there absolutely stunned as he handed me a full length bookshelf leg, "It must have broken while I was moving it, probably too rough with it. But I'm sure if you glued it back on and bolted it to the wall it could stand fine. Ye this wall looks like it could support the weight," he said as he knocked on my bedroom wall, "But delivery at Ikea is "as-is" and things do get scratched. I've had furniture with real big gashes down the side but things like that just happen sometimes in delivery." Then he and his pubescent delivery partner proceeded to leave so I called after them, "What's Ikea's number?- and what's your name, or work i.d. number?" And they just laughed at me and proceeded to head towards the door. So I caught up quickly and told them, "You scratch furniture, and a scratch can be fixed. But you broke the leg off of my bookshelf and want me to bolt the rest of the shelf to the wall? I'm not going to bolt anything to the wall. That's not why I bought these shelves. They are bookshelves, they hold books, books are heavy, this is why they have supporting legs, if a supporting leg is broken the bookshelf is unusable therefore the bookshelf is broken. You broke my bookshelf. I didn't buy a broken bookshelf. What are you going to do about it?" And he gave me one of the coldest glares and turned into one nasty wilder beast and told me dead cold, "It's your problem. Ikea won't back this. They will not do a thing." And I actually felt frightened realizing how mean and inappropriate he was. They did eventually tell me their names.

I got in touch with Ikea. They said they wouldn't back me, but considering how rude these delivery boys were they would see what they could do. Well after broken promises of given times to return my call, I finally get one and this is what she says:
"Ikea will provide you with 3 options:
1) You return the shelves with your own means of getting them to the store
2) You return the shelves and PAY Ikea to deliver them back to the store
3) Keep the shelves and get a $25 gift card."

I think I would like to huff and puff and use a Swedish arm rest to beat Ikea all the way back to God's Middle of Nowhere.
My family has been Ikea buyers for over 20yrs and a few things we notice as each year goes by:
1)The furniture gets cheaper
2)The prices are higher then ever and I still have to put things together myself let alone carry bookcases and mattresses and 10ft cement gnomes to the cashier
3)Customer service is terrible
4)Waiting is longer
5)Quality of food has gone down

For crying out loud it's turned into the Mc.Donalds of Furniture. And this last time they screwed up has been the last straw. I'm very angry and disappointed and sincerely hope that one day Ikea gets a dose of its own swedish accented medicine.

That's it.
I'm out.
Mood: burdened

thecritic Indiana Jones & the Raiders of the Lost Ark Mar 13th, 2007 5:26:30 pm - Subscribe
How come every archaeologist in Hollywood leads a double life?
[Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, that guy from that Bond movie...]


Eddie Bauer by day and hard core kick ass by night. Huh. But you never hear about the paleobotanist who researches by day and ass kicks by night. No. I suppose for them it's more like 'run a floral shop by day and research dead plants by night' as exciting as that sounds...

I think Hollywood has a bias against paleobotanists. They're exciting too you know. Somewhere... Doing something...

But all that mystery is left up to the Archaeologists because heck, they just do a super cool job of doing it.


At the beginning of the movie, after being taken through Shelob's summer home and watching Indi steal the only dusted and polished 'Pier 1 Import' artifact (that the second camera man got on sale at their summer clearance) Just before all that and destroying an entire landmark he runs into "Alex West"'s father. I just knew that Indi and Lara had more in common than what they were leading on about...

Oh and as for the rest of the movie goes, of course everything wrong in the world is the German's problem, pffft whatever, we get it Indi. You know Harrison, you should know better than to shoot a film about bias against a culture when you look like one of them. pfft. Oh and did I mention he's rough with the ladies, anti-debonair, lacks suave/sophistication and the ability to get rid of that stupid smirk that's always on the side of his face.

-4 Harrison.

But overall it proved entertaining enough.
I mean everyone knows that if you're gonna hide an ancient artifact in Tibet you can expect a creepy German guy who stutters and sweats constantly to show up on your doorstep. It's just common sense.

And as for that whole swapping the artifact with a bag full of sand, chyeah- pathetic.

I'm sorry but I'm sure most of us remember that because it was one of the stupidest parts of the movie. First of all, who do you know who caries around bags of sand with them?

Secondly who in the hell manages to screw up something as big as that?
We all know Tom Cruise would've done a cooler job with lowering himself from the ceiling in all, and he would've done it in black without getting any dust bunnies on himself. And we definately know Daniel Craig could've done it. He would have walked straight up to it, taken it and as soon as that unnecessarily huge soccer ball came rolling out he would have put out his hand and just stopped it. With no hassle. No running. No stapling safari hats to his head.

I think Daniel Craig is the real Indiana Jones and James Bond combined...

Yup. That'll do it.
I'm out.
Mood: O.o

thecritic Peter Pan Feb 4th, 2007 10:56:41 pm - Subscribe
What a wonderful book! No seriously, I am sure that some of you wanted to experience some hard core bashing from this review but I am sad to inform all of you, it’s really not going to happen. The only way I can ruin this book is:

1) Psycho Analyze it to death

c) Do what Disney did. *bastardize version much*

One thing I will bash though is Disney for absolutely bitch-slapping this poor book. I never liked Peter Pan as a child and I didn’t like the cocky little twit until a week ago. After reading the book all I can say is, “shame shame Disney. Do you really think Walt will ever approve?” I am going to try and give Walt here some credit. When I think of the work this guy has done, I can say confidently, he has an imagination. So I am going to politely assume that he never read the book or at least stopped ¼ of the way through.

I am however far more pleased with the remake of Peter Pan that came out in 2003. It parallels with the book far more than any other movie. But I will say, took people long enough to realize the plot was a little off?

I sincerely hope to encourage the rest of you to read this book as it is quite enjoyable. A few things that may motivate you or rather “the inside scoop”

-Tinker Bell is a real bitch on fairy dust

-Peter is fiery amounts of “me-ism”

-Wendy is kind of flaky

-Mrs. Darling is quite a babe

-Mr. Darling is a dolt

There you have it. Max Rating of +19
Mood: bleh

julesnmax To Do List... Jan 26th, 2007 12:36:15 pm - Subscribe
*Buy Pink Cake
*Eat Pink Cake
*Watch Requiem for a Dream
*Make fun of it
*Get together with Black knight for coffee
*P/U Coffee
*Feed Serpent
*Remodel draw bridge for more 'practical use'
*Call Home Depot about 'brick launcher' repairs
*Decide new paint color for den:
}Terra Cotta ?
}Pumpkin Spice ?
~Note to Self: choose Pumpkin
Spice because it sounds like coffee...

*Re-finish 'round table' in dark chestnut
*go to Ikea
-return Bed that folds into Book case
-P/U chairs to match round table

*Chill out tonight
Mood: ...

julesnmax I have never been more afraid of Santa Jan 26th, 2007 12:26:50 pm - Subscribe
Throughout my childhood, I have been told various stories about a so called “fictional” man named Santa Clause and his eight reindeer. A jolly, overweight alcoholic who wears red velvet and combat boots lined with fur. His reindeer consist of Ajax, Dawn, Blizzard, Dash-Away, Dancer, Nancy, Stupid and Vegan, soon to be joined by Rudolph the Alcoholic. Of course this is not what is presented to the public at first… But I’m older now and I can read between the lines.

I found stories of Santa as a child scary. Now, I find them disturbing. A merry Christmas song sings, “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when your awake…” I have thought about placing a restraining order against my seasonal stalker, but I am afraid that he will send one of his angry moose after me. I am also convinced that he has a criminal record.

A criminal record helps the pieces of the puzzle to fit. This explains why Santa doesn’t fly by plane, travel by bus, boat, or drive. His criminal record, which probably consists of B&E and several D.U.I.’s, has gotten his license revoked, and he probably can’t leave the country. Why don’t we take a closer look at reality? Santa, if that really is his name, lives in isolation in the North Pole. As for Mrs. Clause? No one has ever seen her before. Either he’s holding her captive, or she doesn’t exist.

I am very confused on the matter of how a large, velvet wearing man has to do with the birth of Jesus? Whoever thought of this needs a new marketing director. I wrote to Santa when I was a child. I received no letter back. The other day I was on a website,, and came across a program that allows you to make up a false Santa email address so that when your child emails Santa, they will get an email back from him. Personally, that is a question of beliefs and boundaries. Why would I lie at such an extreme to my child so that they will buy into the cheap commercialized holidays of today?

I conclusion, I fear Santa and how he has hypnotized the world with his “jolly” ways. Anyone who wears red velvet top and pants with combat boots and has angry moose named after dish detergents, house hold cleaning supplies and natural disasters is just plain creepy. I will stick with my Christmas tree thank you. And as for other holidays, everyone knows the Easter bunny is way cooler.
Mood: ech *creepy*

julesnmax Oh & Jules... Dec 5th, 2006 12:54:10 pm - Subscribe
Don't forget to pick up some coffee...


ps- your " to do" list is on my computer right now, you forgot to take it with you on the way out the door... It will be waiting for you when you get back.
Mood: I don't feel a thing, I just want some coffee...

julesnmax To Do List: Dec 5th, 2006 12:44:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Remember to p/u coffee... p/u coffee... p/u coffee...

julesnmax Arch Nemesis: Santa Nov 28th, 2006 7:33:57 pm - Subscribe
Christmas time is here again. For most of you it is the reminder of laughing and eating with family and friends, sharing gifts and singing merrily along with dusty Nat King Cole albums. But for me, Maximilion, Christmas means the ideal time of year to set up arms against my arch nemesis: Santa Clause.

Every year I put up with this seasonal stalker as he judges and condemns the children around the world. Handing out coal, rewarding toys to brat kids, Santa resides on quite the high reindeer. If he’s so powerful, why is he working at ‘Macey’s’? So this year I have taken the liberty of over stalking my shelves with a unique assortment of novelties for the obese turkey who dares to be smoked right out of my chimney.

The first novelty is a must, a compound brick launcher to which this season I will be replacing with snowballs. I have purchased several of these to ensure the safety of my property. The second is squirrel pudding for those mangy donkeys that can fly. Hopefully this will distract them while I ambush their fat frenzied friend. (Of course he’ll be frenzied when he’s blasted in the arse with snowballs). The third is peanut butter. Why?-you may ask. Mr. Clause happens to have an allergy to Peanuts. That’s why kids usually don’t find Peanut Butter snacks, Oh Henry’s and Reece’s Piece’s in their stockings. See, Hershey’s and Purdy’s chocolates feel the same way about Santa as I do. So I am going to simonize the smoke chamber with peanut butter- extra chunky. The next step is to have a camera on standby that is hooked up with trigger wire to catch this menacing creep in the act. I also purchased a copy of ‘The Sound of Music’ as Santa seems to fear that movie. (Hence no one ever finding that in their stocking). And then from there most of the plan involves duct tape, Vaseline, a katana, a black knight (that only comes to life at a full moon or Christmas), my mighty mouse costume and every food that has ever been converted to low fat/no fat (that’ll give him nightmares till next year). I’m sure there are some other things, but so far this I have intricately planned. I also have decided that I will watch all this from my underground secret lair from the security monitor with all the food that isn’t low fat/no fat and make loud crunching, slobbering sounds over the speakers placed carefully in the house. You do the math.

Stay tuned for further updates there’s plenty more to come.


also- I'll post my letter to Santa as well for liability reasons...

check out the 'to do list' for details
Mood: I love compound bows...

julesnmax To Do List Nov 28th, 2006 7:31:06 pm - Subscribe

Mood: expectant

julesnmax Casino Royale Nov 22nd, 2006 3:56:13 am - Subscribe

Casino Royale

Tuesday is a good day for movies. Why you might ask, because the Cineplex no longer offers cheapy Tuesday’s but the small town theatres do. So if I drive twenty minutes that way and make a left there I can find myself watching ‘Casino Royale’ for $5. This makes me happier than a herd of turtles in the rain. And considering all the rain we’ve been getting, I am sure you can imagine just how happy I am.

First Off: Our evil villain Le Chiffre played by Mads Mikkelsen has asthma, a lazy eye (well alright, it just looks like he’s been in one too many bar fights) and pouty lips that only Johnny Depp and David Duchovny can pull off. Other than that I’d say he’s just one of many villains. I do think he does a good job, however I was a little thrown off by just how many bad guys there were.

Secondly: Daniel Craig as 007. Huh. I showed up to the theatre expecting disaster and thought I would leave saying, “Well that’s a start…” But instead I was taken off guard by how good he was at playing Bond. I think just now in order of favorite Bonds it goes Sean Connery and Daniel Craig tied for number one.

As for ‘Vesper Lynd’ played by Eva Green I found to be quite the disappointment, not to forget about Mads little chew toy Valenka. Never the less I was shaking my head more often than not at these two girlies as it is sad to say that the only beautiful woman in the film was in fact the dead girl, Caterina Murino who played Solange. I always remember the Bond Women as beautiful women not pretty girls. Not to mention full figured, (there is a difference between curves and rolls and the only thing real in this film was our girlie’s rack- which by the way I am glad for).

Overall the first chase in the movie was highly entertaining consisting of many noteworthy chocolate covered espresso bean events. I felt throughout the movie that most much like myself, had doubts about Craig being Bond but I am sure anyone can find in this film that he compensates for not looking exactly like a Bond to sending the feeling and taking on a better original style of Bond I think even Connery would envy. With his cheekiness and classic 007 wit with a side of alcoholism and trigger happy personality the action in this shoot out is defiantly worth seeing.

It is settled, Chris Cornell managed to pull off the Bond theme well enough and though the opening credits were tasteful let’s face it, it’s not a complete Bond movie without half naked women walking through Albert Broccoli’s name.

Casino Royale +9

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Mood: pleased

julesnmax The Cookie Mission Nov 17th, 2006 3:29:58 am - Subscribe
I came across these recipe's and thought some of you might appreciate them.

Banana Bread

Preheat the oven to 350°F

3 ripe bananas, mashed
1/3 cup melted butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg (beaten separately in small dish)
2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 1/2 cup of flour

Using a wooden spoon, mix the butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg & vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda & salt over the mixture & mix in. Add the flour last & mix. Pour the mixture into a buttered 4x8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack.

Vanilla Cookies

Preheat oven 300°F

1/2 cup shortening (my preference: becel olive oil margarine)
1 cup of sugar
1 egg (beaten)
1/4 cup of milk
5 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt

Cream shortening & sugar thoroughly. Beat the egg & add milk & vanilla. Sift all dry ingredients together. Add wet & ingredients alternatively to the mixture. Drop from tsp onto greased cookie sheet. Bake 20min.

*if you're not fussy, mixing all ingredients together is fine with avoiding the alternative mixing between dry and wet ingredients.*

*this recipe is also nice if you want to add some chocolate chips*

Happy Cookie Baking!

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Mood: mmmm Cookie....

julesnmax October Edition Oct 25th, 2006 1:36:53 am - Subscribe
The Haunting Maximilion Newsletter
October Octubre Octobre Oktober Ottobre Outubro Октябрь 10 月 2006
Joke of the Month:
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Evil Fortune of the month:
Don’t chase the Mongoose. Even if the situation is desperate. Don’t chase the Mongoose.

International Creepy Rhythm:
Nathalie Choquette: La Muse et la Lune

Creepiest Album of the Month:
The Jackal OST

Most Haunting Story:
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Written By Washington Irving

Find it here at Free Literature

Website of the Month:
Find Emo the Angry Rock at

Word of the Month:
Tmesis: Separation of the parts of a word by another word, e.g. abso-bloody-lutely

Monthly Journal

Good Morning beautiful world. Speaking of world, does anyone remember there being a “Legend of Zelda” cartoon? Well I found it on Azureous. They’re about fifteen minutes each. Not much for the ear or eye as Link pretends to be a man more often than not which is most annoying. But I couldn’t help but chuckle anyways at what a babe Zelda is and what a twit Link is. *chuckle* I actually felt rewarded and thankful that as a child of the nineties I could appreciate such crap. *sigh* Anyways. That’s my flashback for now. Other than that did you guys know that Squirrel Pudding isn’t actually made of squirrels? I was thinking of letting my neighbor know before he finds out the hard way.

Today’s Solemn Debate: CSI vs. X-Files
In the end, the truth is out there…

Most recently I have discovered that channel M is playing the show “The X-Files” which stages every week day after Letterman. (aprox 12:35am) When I watched the show I was rather pleased to see that I could watch a good mystery without consistent amounts of gore or drama. I am usually an avid CSI viewer but as of the last few months find the blood and dramatic makeup a bit much for my taste.

I have also been known to enjoy a good wholesome episode of ‘old fashioned’ “Law & Order” (insert Law & Order Concluding sound here) the one they used to play with Samuel Waterston and Benjamin Bratt. I just haven’t been enjoying shiny new crime scene drama. The gushing blood just isn’t as enticing as it once was. So now I plan on including ‘the X-Files’ in my regular routine. No more oddly disturbing brain malfunctions and blood spatters on a camera lens. No more male transvestite lesbian clowns trapped in a killers body with bad hair. I’ll stick with my aliens thank you. The noticeably plastic severed hands and water with food dye blood and authentic 90’s style of solving paranormal crime. Yup. That’ll do it.


I am sure this segment has a name. I just don’t know what it’s called…
The Mummy

It’s time to poke fun at classic Halloween characters. Let’s start with the beloved Mummy. Although his appearance may not be too frightening I am sure that he is every surgeon’s lawsuit nightmare. Further more, is it really respectful of us to ‘make fun’ out of an ancient Egyptian tradition? Or was it common for them to pull pranks similar to this. “Hey guys, Omar is going to pretend to the dead guy at the ceremony. This is going to be hilarious. When the time is right he’s going to jump out and scare the canopic jars out his hands! Don’t tell Bob.” And what if the guys performing the ritual decided that they wanted to get home in time to watch ‘Law & Order Criminal Intent’ and would skip the embalming process and jump straight to the wrapping and burial part. Omar would be screwed. On the upside he would have gotten a free bath and smell great.
Max Rating of +6
Rock Star

Grow up. Find a job. Move out of your parents’ house. And Buster wasn’t ‘shot’. He was taken care of the ‘old yeller’ way. During my commute each morning I see these kids dressed like their about to ‘bring in the new hell year’. Okay, I can respect one’s desire to look like an eighteen year old rock star with a twenty four hour erection that’s just rolled out of bed and has an extreme hang over as though they’ve banged every chic in the country and by banged I do mean they were so drunk off their arse that they just went up to some random girl and started to make obscene gestures but do they really have to use that much hair product? And alright I get it; you wore a tie with a kilt and hooker boots. Ooh boogey boogey, you’re out to make trouble for the establishment. But why for the love of candy would you dress up as one of these people for Halloween? *throws hands up in the air*
Max Rating of -4

Oh no. *slaps forehead*. Although I suppose the thought of this one is actually the scariest thing you could be. First off: your celibate. Secondly you’re like God’s secretary. (And not the one who gets weekends and holidays off.) The good news is (no pun intended) that you’re now union based. Alright that’s a start. The bad news is Ted in accounting is conveniently laundering money on the side through the system. Not to mention if you ever use the Lord’s name in vain he shows up, “What? Look Sister Kate that’s the fourth time today. WTF?” Although I suppose Halloween for them is like, “Look Sister Kate! I’m a Christian this year!” And Sister Kate would be all, “Ruth damnit! As a Catholic I don’t approve of your costume!” And Sister Ruth would be all, “That’s alright Sister Kate. I’m a Christian, I’ll forgive you.”
Max Rating of +6.66


A few months ago I purchased the “TRL” (Tomb Raider Legend) PC game. Yes PC. Overall the game wasn’t too difficult. Lara is sexier than ever and her nemesis looks so malnourished it makes you tilt your head and squint your eyes each time you see her. Meanwhile I couldn’t help but wonder, Has Lara outdone herself with stupid rather than foxy? I dig her wardrobe and absolutely love her humble abode. But… Hear me out… I see villain. Initial reaction kill villain. Lara’s initial reaction: “hey the ceiling is pretty!” WTF!?!?! Lara I am going to let the mercenaries kick your ass rather than continually saving your dumb neck.

WHY? Apparently in the Eidos meeting some moron was all about: “Because we have an action cam whenever Lara whips out her pistols she’ll face the direction of the camera not the direction of the target. And also!!! When she is firing how about we not let her turn around. What if we disabled that part.”

That man deserves to be shot. Why? Because I spent ten seconds shooting at the ceiling while the action cam so gracefully moved in circles around me while pointing in an upward direction. damn. But it’s not all downhill from here. On the extra points side when pressing the jump button twice you can jump on a guy and then the game will slam into ‘slow motion’ which is so fit. On top of this I appreciate the way they have inserted a kind of Kings Quest feel for the Croft Mansion as you get to solve a mystery.

So despite Lara gone stupid and Eidos whoring off TRL to Crystal Dynamics which has unfortunately changed the biography of Lara and the plot of which the first six TR’s have been running on, I rather enjoyed myself playing.
Max Rating of +12

Not too mention for all of you who have the game, download the ‘trlsavegame.exe’ which will enthrall you by providing all the saved games you ever needed. Also, see the tombraiderchronicles webpage for WIN Patches for the game so it will run a bit smoother.

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Mood: laughable