So, We are not taking a break, and we are not breaking up, we are however going to separate ourselves a little bit. I'm moving back to my parents house for a while, so that we can distance ourselves for a little while during this time of us figuring things out. This could ultimately end in our breaking up but who knows. I'm not even sure where my heart is in the matter, like what I actually want...
So, I'm at my mom's house right now, came here to set up my computer and such since I can't really use it anywhere else right now. It's kind of nice, their internet connection is hella good compared to what mine was.
In the time frame of this next week I plan to fully be living here. Yes I will spend a night or two with Cersten but not live with her completely. This could be pretty good, but it will be pretty hard. I'll probably have nights of crying and the such.
Here's to a new life.
So looks like my odd thoughts and weird assumptions about my relationship going into the shit hole where correct.
She wants to take a break? Uh, I cant take a break, if you cant work out problems in the relationship then there is no need to be in a relationship. Why take a break to work them out? I'm not ok with that, Its either I am in or I am out, no in between! So if she wants to stick it out and work through it then good because thats what a relationship is, but if she honestly decides she wants to take a break then no go I'm out, she can't possibly love me as much as she says she does if she is so ready and willing to take a break.
And because I am not a happy person? Yeah my last month or so have been really hard so of course I'm not a happy person, I am sorry I cant handle my problems on the inside and be a fake happy person outwardly. Because I am this "negative person" she feels its wearing out on her and she wants to be a fun, outgoing, random, spontaneous, party with friends, and fuck anything that matters girl, in my mind thats not someone I want to be with. I'm an adult and I plan to live a fun responsible life. Its possible, I don't know why she doesn't think so, ugh!
Guess love only lasts so long... we'll see where it goes from here. She should be home soon so more talking, deliberating, arguing, and crying... fun!
Best part is if it ends I have to move back in with my parents cause I can't afford my own place yet...
I totally wanted to write the last entry for much longer than I did I just had to start paying attention in class (yes I was writing when I was suppose to be avidly listening to my college instructor, so what!?) so now that I am out of class, why not keep writing.
To expand on the feeling exluded and distant from my other, it just happened again. Before I came here to the library to use the computer I went to see Cersten after class. She works at the scene shop for the schools theatre department so I knew she would be there. We also drove here together so I kinda needed to know where she would be when I get out of my next class that starts 2 hours from now (a hefty amount of time to waste), reasonable reasons to see her right?
Just wanted to say hi and ask her when the rehearsal for the show would be done tonight (since she is also props manager for the show run throughs) so we could make our departure a bit easier. First words I get from her is "you shouldn't be here right now" Why? I dont know! I go there every tuesday after class to say hi and catch up with her for a nice 5-10 minutes and none of her coworkers or bosses even care, so uh, whats the problem. I barely get two words in edgewise without her looking away. I had to tell her what I wanted and then say it extremely adamintly before she even started giving me the time of day. Hell I didn't even get a kiss because of her excuse (while blowing up balloons) "my lips tatse like latex" what the fuck is that! (sorry for my language). I don't get it.
Anyone with any sort of logical brain would take this sort of thing and say to themselves "what did I do wrong?". I've thought it over quite intensly and I have come to the conclusion that I have done nothing wrong nor anything that could even be closely construed with 'wrong'. Like I said before I really hope this is just and adjusting phase she is going through because I won't care to handle it if its gonna be like this for good.
Oh yeah! Of course when I talk to her about the way I feel about this she basically says that she doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with our relationship and that it's going well... I don't get that... UGH! Whatever, really. I will just go on with life right now while focusing on the other things in it that are also important...
Wish me luck.
So I actually haven't blogged anywhere is quite some time, and I don't feel like doing it in any other place. If I did on facebook notes I'm sure I would get tons of crap from pretty much all of my friends, or I just wouldn't be able to actually say what I want to say. So here I am on aeonity, not a bad idea. Most of my friends on here are from more than 3 years ago, who cares what they think If I don't even talk to them anymore. Let's not say 'who cares' lets say It's not going to affect any of my social situations. Though, I still have a good feeling this post will be read, or at least looked over. David probably still has me on his friends, maybe not, if so he'll get this and be surprised at the capacity he actually has to create a community that actually has someone coming back to it after a countless amount of days away. So, here I am, deal with it.
I really have a lot on my mind lately and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it so It seems like the best choice just to blog it. Sure people can read this but they would have to be looking for it. No big deal.
Our house started on fire the other day, it was an electrical fire in the basement. Didn't burn through much of anything before it was put out, but it did create a lot of smoke damage. Guess to much carbon got into the air and a lot of the smoke was from burning plastic so for the next week the house is uninhabitable. Pretty much blows hard, I'm stuck in a hotel room with out any of the luxuries I'm use to. Which honestly, big deal! I should get over it, whats our issue in this world always thinking we deserve so much, we should be happy with what we have. I'm lame for seeing this as such a great inconvenience.
So I'm with this girl named Cersten, been living with her for almost a year, and I love her. Though, in the last week or so she has starting going through this awkward (for me) phase. She is trying to find herself and do things for herself because she feels like she has been responsible for others far too much. Which, I understand totally cool! Though I've been extremely neglected as even part of her existence and we are stuck in a hotel together!!! It just doesn't make sense to me. I feel very lonely about it and It's kind of eating me up. This isn't normal since we've been living together for so long, usually getting along and always acknowledging the other person through spending time with them and including each other in our daily lives. I feel like I have to pry for any information or for any attention. I really hope this doesn't last long...
I have to get going for now, feels good to get going with some outward-feeling-writing.
im stealing time from work
and i saw tori.
how can I fall asleep..
I'm scared of the middle place
between life and nowhere
soft reflections now. subtle touches on the skin.
i sigh and let it fall away. again.
i will let you in again, you know
i will always let you in..
sorry for not updating in awhile to all my friends on here, I know how you guys miss my rad entries (jking )
well, anyway nothing is really new. still living the emo life.
I went to the norma jean, atreyu, unearth show in ATL, man was it awesome(besides getting kicked in the face in the mosh)
so, yeah. looking foward to comments.peace.
I haven't posted a blog in awhile. I guess, i'll do it now.
Nothing to really blog about, bc you know my life is so non-exciting. My friends are becoming real suicidal latley. I have to deal with their problems.
Anyway here are some pics, enjoy.
I started drinking today. I just felt like drowning myself with alcohol from the inside out. I dunno why I was feeling like this today. I guess it was just one of those days.
After about a whole bottle I fell in the bathtub and just started crying. After about 30 mins of self hatred and depression I fell asleep. When I woke up, I saw blood on the tub floor. Looking franticly of where I might have cut myself, I see a huge cut on my arm. -sigh-
I don't remember getting cut on anything, so I dunno what happend. I got up and cleaned up the mess i've made. And fell into bed, and dozed off again.
i feel like i'm such a bore to my friends. i think i annoy the hell out of them on occasion. i never know what to say to some of my friends. i can sit there lost in my own thoughts and not say a word for minutes. when i've finally found something to say, it sounds like i didn't put a bit of time into it. it dosen't seem to differ from the first thing that pops into my head. god how i wish i was charming. i wish i could sweep people of their feet with my words. even if i was capable of it, i feel like i couldn't catch them before the ground does.
the song is coming.. the lion-sun is breathing into me: words and note cycles; revolving, hammering, flying, coming home..
my fingers hurt from playing piano too much.. i feel like im having an affair.. and i feel so alive :p
Are there really such things as patterns in life? Do us as humans try to find patterns in things even though we're not thinking about it?
I think we do. Why else is there so much drama in everything, so many emotions in one's soul. If we can't find the patterns, these emotions come out.
i miss you..i really do
the pain nauseates me.
so i started smoking weeks after you left, although i detested the taste infringed upon my mouth.i inhaled greedily hoping the smoke would cling to my hair.my clothes.my skin just as it had clung so gracefully onto yours that day we walked around downtown in the frigid december weather.There was a culminating obsession to smell like you. to sound and act like you thinking it was a method of retrieval. to compensate for your absence.
-I don't want to be here, could you lay me in a position where I will be at one with myself, with the sweet red, with the sweet red you spilt, will you paint my portrait in the snow?----
Hello, all. I've been sleep for most of the day -le sigh- I was suppose to go with my friends downtown, but my retared sleeping habbits had other plans.
I failed both my test with 68's today in my classes. Grr.
Driving on the way home from class was awful. I was so sleepy, and I almost dozed off while driving (yikes).
I guess tommorow I could do something to make my day a productive one, but I doubt it. Anyways, I hope all you had a wonderful Friday. Ta.
my heart must have sank to my feet when it hit me. i started to walk and the pain set in. you didn't deserve it. god knows you didn't deserve it, but where was he that morning. it's got to be easier when you don't really care. when it's someone elses pain, someone elses loved one. this might kill you, but how many birds would it be with one stone? i need to be closer right now. i just want to give you a hug, feel your heart beating. memorize it's rhythm, just in case it's the last time i get to say i love you.
These are just things i've wrote over the months. Just adding them to my blog.
|i wish i lived in a tree and had animal friends. we would talk about people and how foolish they can be. i'd laugh, not really knowing how much of a fool i am myself. however they would accept me, not out of pity, but because they would love the good in me. they wouldn't care how abnormal i looked. they would forgive me for not having fur or feathers, and secretly be a bit jealous of my smooth skin. i would eventually find someone like me. a fool, who would know what it's like to not quite fit in, but she would be the most beautiful thing i've ever laid eyes on. she would be brutally honest, yet have the most gentle touch. i'd even be a bit jealous of her smooth skin...|
There's a look on your face,
I would like to knock out.
See your sin in your grin,
and the shape of your mouth.
All I want is to see you in terrible pain,
thought we won't ever meet I remember your name.
You are scum, you are scum,
and I hope that you know,
that the cracks in your smile,
are begining to show.
Now the world needs to see,
that its time you should go.
Theres no light in your eyes,
and your brain is too slow.
Bet you sleep like a child,
with a thumb in your mouth.
I could creep up beside,
put a gun in your mouth.
Makes me sick,
when I hear all the shit that you say,
So much crap comming out,
it must take you all day.
There's a space in kept in hell,
with your name on the seat.
With a spike in the chair,
just to make it complete.
When you look at yourself,
do you see what I see?
If you do,
why the fuck are you looking at me?
There's a time for us all,
and I think yours must be.
Can you please hurry up,
cause I find you obscene.
We can't wait for the day,
that your never around.
When that face isn't here,
and you rot underground.
Pics of me. Ha.
Anyway, I'm having a lot of tough stress on me with classes, and honestly, I'm to lazy to do anything about it, 'cept let it pass by. I know it's not the best decision, but it's all I do.
Going downtown tommorow to get me a starbucks [whee] white moca with double shot espresso, baby. After that we're going to a local show. I hope they're good.
Right now. In this point of my life, I'm very confused. It's like. Everyone else got an instruction manual to their life, but mine came defected and without one.
I'm in love with this girl. She says she loves me, but can't be with me. And the pain of the outcome nausuates me.
I'm a podunk white boy living in a rural ghetto area. I try to trick myself as into believing that I have friends. Then once I think really hard about it, I realize that I do not. I have no one to care for me, as my parents do not. I have no one to talk to about my problems except this. I have to keep all my problems inside of me as if I tell my parents or anyone for that matter they will just insult me and tell me that something is wrong with me [there is]. My eyes are bloodshot and dark due to lack of sleep. I stay up all night always just thinking. When I do asleep I sleep for very long periods of time as that is all there is to do in my life. I wake up blind to the world and unaware what is going on around me. I care for only one person, yet that person is not here with me. I like to feel sorry for myself and get that sharp chest pain when I do. That is the only feeling I can ever feel. I never feel happiness for when I do, I just think of how shitty my life still is and that there is nothing to be happy about. I think that if I compared myself to one thing, it would be shit. The reason for that is because no one cares or pays attention until they have to deal with me. Every time I turn around someone dies, it's always happening and I'm always wondering when my time will come. That could possibly be my biggest fear, but at the same time be my biggest relief.