a loong time ago.

oops.

guanny[dot]livejournal[dot]com

i tend to dream
about the impossible -
fairytales, alternate reality worlds
where i can solve every problem
without fail
without the need to cry
without feeling weak
without feeling alienated
where, i have friends
whom i can run to their houses
as and when i want
and busy doesn't get in the way.
and please don't forget
that i dreamt that i was downright smart
and aced everything
and studying was a blast
because we all studied together
quietly and discussed when needed only
without crapping
how nice
but
that will never come true
because it exists only in books
in novels
and
it shows how selfish i am
because i want to live in a world constructed by me and only me.

see.

i hate myself for being so self-centered
there's so much baggage weighing down
it's so suffocating
i know i'm not suppose to
think of stuff like this
at such a time
it's going to affect my studies
and it did already
as seen by how i screwed by quiz and graded presentation
i pretend to bury myself within books
but in fact
i'm facebooking
or daydreaming yet again
and thinking about things that
i shouldn't be concerned about
.
blog entries are really reflective of who you are
it shows
how pessimistic i am
how sadistic i am

goodbye.
i have a 30% quiz tomorrow
UNTOUCHED.
i am doomed
but i'm courting doom
so, please do not wish me luck!
thank you!

i wish i could consume such stuff.

every time i burst into a mood swing that comes very often and idles for a substantial amount of time (ie. 1 day) before leaving, i'll end up doing NOTHING.

literally NOTHING. probably sure that no one believes since i'm supposed to be a mugger.

but i end up playing, sleeping, dreaming the whole day. and thinking about stuff like why am i here. why am i like this. and most importantly, trying to figure out what is missing in my life. i think it IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING NOW than getting an A for any of my modules or scoring a GPA of 5.0.

and because of THAT STUPID MENTALITY OF MINE, school has become the second priority and i still think it is more important to figure out what life is about and all philosophical stuff first before concentrating on school. and i'm still thinking about it. butiknowi'mnotsupposetothinkaboutitatsuchatimebecauseifailedtwoquizzesalreadyandihaveathirdonecomingup.

i think,
my
brain
is filled
with
weird,
illogical and
wrong
stuff.

someone
please
brainwash
me.

thankyou

it's very sad

plus, i'm totally drained out school has sapped 101% of my energy. i want to do so many things but i can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all even though i had the time to do so.

mom's incessant nagging at every thing is making life annoying. and i nearly snapped at her more than once but i'm too haughty to apologise. suddenly i just wish i had continued staying in the hostel. no naggings. just roomie and i.

i miss all of them. i miss them dearly. it sucks. life's in one big ball of mess. i'm still trying to keep myself sober by reminiscing the past three months. those three months that replenished me with immense amount of energy. the positivity is fading again. SUCKS. i want it back. i hate it when the same old feeling descends. grarrrr.

but, i believe that every cloud has a silver lining. i believe that someday i'll meet him along the streets (and hopefully he's still single. HAHA). i believe that i'll enjoy school. i believe that i'll be able to walk confidently down the path of a social worker despite the unwaverings. i believe that i'll survive my final year project even though i'm still in my second year (how ironic). i believe that i will survive the stupid elitist program.

is when there is someone who can see through you.

Who sees you exactly for who you are.

Who is able to look at you straight in the eye and point out to you, in a gentle manner, what sort of person you are.

Who sees the side of you whom you're unwilling to admit.

Who's trying to nudge you along to understand yourself more.

But I'm unwilling to acknowledge myself for who I am. How? It's so scary.

You said it's okay. You said it's not wrong. But everything sounds so sinful. So wrong. It's making me more and more ashamed of admitting who I am.

But, I guess, this reflection should be the greatest piece of all, ain't it? Not that you'll know but I think what you're looking forward to is this piece of entry.

Humans are selfish. But the greatest form of selfishness is the unwillingness to recognize one's own selfishness.