in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.
the sparse manic entries that i scribble
i miss writing, i want to write
I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.
"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.
Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.
Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.
I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.
Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.
Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.
Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.
Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can.
Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis.
It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle.
Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise.
Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think.
Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising.
Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too.
I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction.
I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well.
I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that.
Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them.
As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures.
I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold.
I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through.
But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me.
I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates.
Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself.
Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love.
..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened..
...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved...
Never been led on this bad.
I knew better but I fell for her anyways.
The saddest part?
I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for.
Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me?
...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave...
Well it's that time of year again.
Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week.
Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas.
OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date.
This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday.
WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?!
No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents.
WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does.
For sake of simplicity I use Safari.
It has a nice little favorites bar.
This Blog is on that bar.
It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it.
Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them.
Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am.
Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone.
Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy.
Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time!
Quitting Jimmy Johns and beginning at Dominos starting monday. Offer to be assistant manager at Halloween Express with Lauren.
As far as money goes making more would be nice but in the long run I think time to devote to personal development, school and volunteering will be more important than paying off all my bills a little faster.
Within a week of today have requested professional letters of recommendation from 5 people and ask that they have them to me within 2 weeks of request. Within 1 week of receiving the letters have applied to three Wilderness Therapy Schools on the list provided by a friend. Also contact family in Oregon and Utah to explain plans and request hospitality if I am selected and accept a job offer.
Also, within a week find information for CPR and First Aid Certifications and get that done within 3 weeks if possible.
If invited to go to a training session and hired I will move be moving out of state and must complete obvious preparations for making such a move.
If not selected for a field instructor position at this time request feedback about what to do to to be hirable for that type of work. Take Action on feedback.
In addition volunteer with High School Youth Group and/or Boy Scouts. In January Take EMT courses. In the summer work at a youth summer camp to gain more experience in that area. Re-apply to Wilderness Therapy Schools in the end of the summer.
Also currently I must talk to my father about money for current tuition and maybe some money to help with my vehicle registration. Must also cut back discretionary spending.
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie.
In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution.
I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation.
On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real.
I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative.
I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive.
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too.
I doownloaded music from:
The Gaslight Anthem
I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean?
I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country.
Another lovely Sunday.
I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week.
Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band.
After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic!
Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please!
SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time.
MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday.
I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me!
K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz.
I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh.
I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet!
Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*(
Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK.
Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION!
k thx ttyl
EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships.
Oh yeah, it's me. Mr. Ross "MC"
It's true, I'm adding an entry to my Aeonity Blog. I used to post on this every day! Sometimes more. Sadly, it was mostly because I was looking for someone, anyone to hear my young troubles and perceived teenage strife.
It's weird to change a blog over from the diary entries of a teenager to something that is more modern to my current situation.
I think I am going to start using a blog to talk about photography and travel. But...I am going to see about creating a new account for that because I would prefer to seperate the old life from the new.
So for what is most likely the last of my intimate posts on Aeonity I am going to add a few things. In case anyone remembers me.
About a month ago my fiance broke up with me because the relationship was not working. FIghting, arguing, crying, anger and a couple days a week that were magicvaly wonderful. I wan't on my bipolar medication and she has her own problems as well, so it was a bad situation.
Well, after that I went to South Dakota, for a field geology trip for 10 DAYS! It was super fantastic and I loved every day of it. We studied the Black Hills, Devils Tower, Bear Butte, Jewel Cave and the Badlands.
I made many new friends and even started to date this amazing young lady I met on the trip.
Shes very good for me as far as personality and pursuits. As well as where she is in her life with growing up.
I'm taking care of myself. Taking my meds, taking my happiness into my own hands and setting goals and plans for my future.
All in all it working out so far.
That is my month in a nutshell, and I wish everyone happiness. I am going to come up with an account for the super awesome blog to present Mr. Ross' amazing photography and adventures! Yey, awesome, woohooo!
I had a pleasant surprise today as I drove home from Brittany's today.
I filled the gas tank on my 99 Toyota Corolla with the mid-grade gasoline.
304 miles later in Madison, WI I filled my tank again and much to my surprise, my miles per gallon were remarkable.
The car is advertised to get 36 on the highway, but when I calculated it came up as 39 miles per gallon!
Even with an error margin of say...2 miles per gallon that's still an incredible 37 miles to the gallon.
Why is this so crazy to me?!
In my 90 Grand Caravan SE I would usually get as low as 16 MPG on the highway and rarely over 18 city driving.
It costs me around $60 to make my 800+ miles round trip.
What a deal!
Alrighty...that was sure to be a very cheesy entry.
Good night Aeonity Bloggers. After such a drive this young man is off to bed.
No Frost, I'm not married yet...
I am engaged!
We are waiting until she graduates with her Bachelor in Sociology two years from now.
Until then, my plan is to live here in the good ol' Chicago Suburbs until December orJanuary. At that point I am going to move to Ashland, WI where I will be with Brittany for the remainder of her academic career.
Right now I am more than happy being engaged. It is the commitment that I desire and need. We know we want to get married and the boyfriend/girlfriend level didn't feel like enough.
I guess that's when people get engaged. That's how it is for Brittany and me, and that's all that matters isn't it?
On a Thursday...
I wake up between 8 and 9am
I am taking an online class this semester and haven't bought one of the books I need to do the coursework, I was going to today and I forgot...ouch!
Tomorrow after I drive my grandmother to her friend's place tomorrow I am going to go visit my brother who just had a second baby girl. She is 1 week old. I also get to see my neice who is going to be 2.5 very soon.
My brother said she was asking for me the other day. It is a suprisingly nice feeling to hear that you 2 year old neice misses you.
I miss her too.
I leave you with a picture of the one and only, the lovely charasmatic, always fun to be around...Ross
Well David...I have been very busy!
First of all, thank you for remembering me
I am still working at Starbucks. On friday I have my 6 month review and I will get the standard raise from $7.80 to $8.58 an hour. That is my base pay, then I get $1.50 to $2.00 per hour in cash every week as well. Not to mention all the benefits of being a full time employee.
I plan on getting a sweet promotion in may when I am done being a full time student. THen I will be making over $10 an hour and tips.
That's not to bad for a student. My main objective is to get management experience as a shift superviser. That will help me get another middle management position when I move up to Ashland, WI.
It's better than minimum wage...
Today I picked up a shift from 4:30am until 9:45, but I stayed until 11:15 because a girl didn't show up. I'm such a trooper on my birthday!
Anyways, I went to Brittany(my fiance)'s house and talked to her dad for almost 2 hours and picked up some stuff that they got for my birthday. Very kind of them. I think I will send a thank you card.
I am going up to visit Brittany at school the 23rd...woooeee.
I am almost done with my associates degree. I got another lame teacher for COllege Algebra, I really need to pass this time.
Aaaanyways. Thats seems like quite a bit for now. I am going to think about something to do for writing on Aeonity again. Maybe I can motivate my self and start doing a picture of the week. Get back into my photography a little bit.
I am not so much a kid anymore, 20 years old. I have grown up a lot since I started journaling on here. I used to be a little "emoliscious"....I am sad to say.
Now I am engaged, I pay all sorts of bills, I am planning on moving out withi9n the next year, life is progressing for me.
Until next time my friends (which I promise to be sooner than later)...Happy Valentines day and make the most of every day.
Ever read a programing book. Any type of language, html to php tp vbasic, they teach you to get "Hello World!" displayed on the screen.
I just got home from visiting Brittany for a week. After I got home and talked to Brittany I promptly threw up in the toilet. It felt better afterwards, but I still feel sick today.
At first I thought it was the Sobe energy drinks and Excedrine Migraine, but now I think there's more to it than that.
Like, I'm actually sick...
So three weeks until I see Brittany again.
I'm doing well in my classes. Not extraordinary, but well. All I want anymore is to be with Brittany. To get our apartment together in Ashland, to get a decent job, some health insurance.
Spend all our time together. I can work, she will go to school and do her schoolwork.
We can decorate our home, make dinner together, sleep together every night! We used to try to cuddle all night, but we never got any sleep.
It's funny how now we both end up sleeping with our back to one another, but always sure to be touching whether it's a foot or our backs.
And then when we are waking up we cuddle again. Hold each other close. Kisses.
Start the day with coffee, look out the window. I miss it so much already.
It seems kind of oldish doesn't it? Drinking coffee and looking out the window every morning? I love it.
So here's the update!
Well, I can't really say everything because it's been awhile, and I have a lot going on right now. Pretty stressed, but hanging in there.
So what is, all that is good, in my life.
I visited at the end of september for our 6 month anniversary! We had an amazing weekend. We relaxed, had fun, and went out for our big 6 monther.
We had an amazing dinner at this brewery or whatever type place in town. It was expensive, but not very too expensive. $50 for the both of us, not bad.
But that's what makes a special day feel special, is when you throw out all those cares and just enjoy everything.
We walked to the restaurant, so we got to enjoy that too.
It was a beautiful weekend, I miss her already.
But...not to worry. I visit her on the 26th! Only two more weeks now.
SO I have been working at Starbucks, Zumiez, and been going to school full time.
Buuuuusy busy busy.
A lot of bills because cell phone companies can tend to make a lot of money of of us hopeless customers.
Mmmm, I'm gonna jet, but I'll promise to do this more often.
Hasta Luego mis amigos