Date: Oct 19th, 2006 1:14:42 am - Subscribe
So there's no word for how i'm feeling tonight...er...this morning. It's been awhile since i've been on here and i was just thinking tonight about writing...about sharing...about who i am. It's 2 days, 11 hours, and 31 minutes until my wedding. Wow. A time I never really thought I would arrive at. A time I never thought i even deserved. It's 2 am and I'm sitting here with my nails done up in my "granny jammies"...just think...I have to let a boy see me in my granny jammies...oh well. I love him. This is just such a weird time. Like closing a door on a life that never gave me what i felt i needed...that was lonely, but taught me alot. I talked to C tonight. It's been a long time. I thought I would just touch base before the wedding because i haven't seen him in forever...it might ease the awkwardness when i see him at the wedding, I thought. His voice hadn't changed...neither had his tone. I know he still has feelings for me and I mourn for him because i never did really have feelings for him and now his chances are up with me. He told me that he hoped i was happy and that i had found what i was looking for. I told him i was and that i had...and that i never would have if God hadn't put guys like him in my past to protect me and help me save me for Joe. I've wanted to say that to him for a long time. I really am thankful for what he did in the moment when i was begging him to do something we didn't have any business doing...the tender way he said no, smoothed out my skirt, kissed me on my forehead and left. I cried for so long because that made me realize how much I messed with him...how much I used him for what I thought I wanted/needed...and he truly loved me. Life is so strange. He was there when I thought I was going to go crazy...and then gone...then i talk to him 2 days before my wedding and he is back in a place of a fresh break up. I wish I could heal everyone. I hate that to make myself happy, I have to hurt someone else. I always did feel that way, I just didn't do anything about it then...I just pressed on...using others to make me feel better about myself...but being careful that no one found out my secret...that i wasn't who i presented inside...perfect with perfect intentions and perfect everything. I look at Christie now and I see so much of myself, but I also see her making wise decisions...she's strong. She's most likely not exactly who she presents either...I don't know what to tell her. I did those things. I stayed with a relationship that I knew wasn't right just because I didn't want to be alone...stayed with someone who obviously wasn't for me because my dad had met him...was the "other" girl that my best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her with...I enacted the stuff that jerry springer shows are based on. In spite of the fact that I've grown past all that, i am capable of those things..i did them. The stink of them are in my history...in my soul. I love Joe more than anything in my life..he gets me...he truly is my best friend. I don't deserve that. And somewhere inside myself, I fear that it's all a dream. I'm just getting a taste of what i could have had if i were a better person. Wow. That was cleansing. WHY DON"T I WRITE MORE OFTEN???? Why do we know the things that center us, make us feel human and living and growing and yet we don't do them. We lethargize around our worlds and complain that we have no direction. I need sleep. Mom is staying with me tonight and I know that she'll be up at 0 o'clock trying to get me up too...Goodnight and wish me a happy wedding, all~!!
Pictures without meaning...
Date: Mar 27th, 2006 11:14:21 pm - Subscribe
So tonight I decided to attempt to fill a couple of picture frames that I had bought years ago. For some reason, I sat them in the bottom of my closet...still with the store plastic on them. I dragged out all the pictures that I could find. Again I was set to the task of sorting through others' lives. Three years ago, my father passed away, right after him, my grandma, his mom. Believe it or not, I'm still in the process of dealing with it. Not just emotionally, but physically. Essentially, I am combining 3 households...my dads, his mom's, and my own. At first, I couldn't throw anything away. I had everything from knicknacks to bronzed baby shoes....from clothes to beloved pictures of people that I'll never know. Then it got easier...thrift stores became my friend. Every other day or so I was taking a box of things there...I thought that at least someone else could use them. Then a week or so later, I would cruise the shops....looking for remnants of dad or grandma...ooh...there's her earrings or there's his tee shirt. Sure, some things i still have and who knows how long I'll have them. Have you ever thought that the gifts you give someone, if you are their only living relative, you'll get them back one day? I have cards I gave dad, grandma...a carved cane that I bought from a street vendor once when I was on vacation. Sometimes it just all creeps up on me and it is too much. I miss him. I want him to come to my wedding and walk me down the aisle.
a starfish on the ceiling...
Date: Mar 11th, 2006 11:01:33 pm - Subscribe
Last night I returned from a both amazing and disheartening road trip (aka distraction trip) to Indiana with a friend from church. She said that she wanted to take me to her special doctor who is a meridian therapist (look it up if you don't know what it is...fascinating...and yeah...it works) I go to church with her, but I really didn't know her until I was in a van with her for 8 hours round trip and slept with her on the floor in a cramped living room...snuggled with her two year old on a blow up mattress. Modern day camping. The doctor was great. His strong fingers manipulated the bones and the muscles in my spine...the pain is all but gone. Mainly I am dealing with "healing" pain now. Things are back where they need to be and my body is like...um...I'm not so sure I like that, so it is pushing against the alignment. I got a call from my neighbor when I was gone telling me that my roommate was moving out while I was out of town. She has been ignoring me for over a month. Apparantly she had some silly lies and so on and so forth to make herself look like the good guy. Hey, it's not the first time I've played the jerk. The difference being that this time I didn't get to pick the part...nor did I get to do any acting...she just flooded the stage with her creepy boyfriend and told the audience how my performance had gone. It was only in her mind. That hurts, yeah. But she's gone now and things can gain a bit of normalcy. Joe and I are planning to stay here in this apartment after we are married. That wasn't the original plan. Our original plan was lofty and had to do with two story houses complete with enough bedrooms so none of our children to be would have to share...a big yard so we could cook out and have a garden. But God has different ideas. So when my back is completely better, I have plans to start making it ours. I want to paint the kitchen...hang some more pictures that I never did before. I like to know where I'll be...even if, again it isn't really forever. At least for now. I had an interview on Wednesday for a "nursing home scheduler" ...which, after the interview, I categorize it basicly as being the program manager of Safe Harbor (the runaway shelter) without all the stuff that I loved about that place. i.e....no teenagers, no working with families, no creating group topics or intake conversations with kids. Bump up the amount of the stuff I hated...hiring and firing, chastising staff, being a hard donkey, and telling people when they are working...surely only to be told that "Sue is working more hours than I am this week...you're just prejudice because I'm a martian and she's a venusian like the majority of people in this place" etc, etc, etc. Plus, it will be working with the elderly....something that I have always maintained that I didn't want to do and had no desire to do. But, in spite of that negativity, I am more than willing to try this. I would be ecstatic if they call me back for another interview and desire my service. I will give it my best try if so. Who knows.
So I sit here tonight...mom came to visit, my fiance is here. I'm not sure if it is the thunder or the karaoke across the street that is louder as I lay here in this strange position on the floor to type (this is the only way I could do it w/out putting lots of pressure on my lower back!)
I love the way thunder storms make me feel. For some reason, it makes me think back to all the other times that I've heard thunder. It sounds like sadness and youth. A safe place that we've left and might never return to. Laying on the floor in Indiana, holding my body still as to not disturb my cot mates, I stared at the ceiling fan. It was a starfish stuck and out of place. It was healing and faith. Sleep was elusive, but answers were close.
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
-TS (Thomas Stearns) Eliot
I'm here to tell ya I'll keep rockin' till I'm sure it's my time to roll...Rich Mullins
Date: Mar 7th, 2006 12:11:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: ...sometimes it's so hard to put a name to how I'm feeling..!
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
Wow. What a day. What an amazing conversation I had with Joe this evening. You know, sometimes we just move. We just exist and do things that we don't really think about. We live day in and day out with the hello goodbye breakfast lunch dinner and we don't really take time to remember why we love someone. We talked about spiritual addictions and about our goals and the things we know that we have to change and be in order for our marriage to be strong and lasting and real and good. And real good. I know at least for me, these are such important conversations. For a long time, I was convinced that I would never get married. That idea scared me so much. To enter into this commitment that essentially meant nothing. That's how I saw it thanks to my serially monogamus mother. After seeing two divorces first hand and many second and third...why wouldn't I believe that? Only a couple of years ago I realized that my grampa (paternal) was really a "step" granpa. That doesn't change who he was to me in the way that really matters (relationship and love)...but in terms of his blood flowing through my veins, it left me feeing disconnected and alone. I don't want that to happen to me or my family. Pink said it best in "Family Portrait"..."I don't wanna split the holidays, I don't want two addresses" That misplaced feeling. That foundation of longing. All my life it seems I was trained to leave. To run. I love escape. I admit that I have trouble with things that help me escape myself sometimes (like alcohol and drugs) I like that spacey numb feeling. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I know that there are millions like me. I want to learn how to live without that. Without longing for it. I know that earth is a temporary assignment and that heaven is home, but I want to learn to live as well as I can while I'm here. Okay. Now I'm getting tired. I'm going to bed.
...better stay where I put it...
Date: Mar 5th, 2006 1:38:50 pm - Subscribe
Shrek and Donkey. Ha...I'm in a little corner of heaven this weekend. My brother and sister came to visit...they just left. I'm laying in the chair (because my back is still hurting, though not as bad) listening to Shrek 2 on TV and watching my fiance build things with legos. I went to church this morning and they prayed for healing over my back. Ha...I just noticed that the "mood" thing came up automatically "dodgy"...I love that. That was my host brother in Ireland's word for everything...therefore I will leave it, whether or not I really feel dodgy. It's so weird to see my brother and sister "grown up" ...one 20 and one 16. It feels like I moved out so long ago. I read of a "light industrial" job through a temp agency in Findlay...I'm calling them in the morning...and hopefully that works out. It's first shift and it says that there are many "sit down" jobs. I think I could handle that right now. No, it isn't exactly social work like my license and degree say I am capable of, but it would be something to pay my bills and make me feel like I have a direction and something to do. I'm so done just sitting around and trying to see how long I can sleep so that more of the day will be gone when I get up and I won't have to endure as much. My brother borrowed my camera and brought it back broken. Well, I don't blame him for it at all, really, it has needed love for some time now. But his using it makes me realize yet again that I need to start taking pictures again. It's something I enjoy and makes me feel real. I am so antsy to get married. To have him with me all the time. I feel so full and right when we are together. There have been times when I have stayed at his apartment for long periods of time and it amazes me to see how it feels. We sometimes fight when we dont' see each other very often. I think it's the fact that I am a facial and body language reader. I feel like when I'm talking to him on the phone that he isn't responding to me right or that he is not "with" me in conversation. Anyhow, I think that's all I want to say for now...I am getting excited about wedding planning...starting soon...as soon as I can stand up for extended periods of time and not feel stinging pain...
(sorry, I have a strange and all-encompassing obsession with all things American Idol....did you notice that he doesn't say that anymore? )....anyhow...
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