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heatherbee
my first blog... - Subscribe
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| Blogging. How is this different than journaling? I haven't written in so long. I'm starting over right now, really. I've not had a consistant job since April of last year. That's almost a year. I never thought it would last this long. I've worked at KFC, seen the worst that grease and raw chicken could offer the lower class people of Ohio. I've worked at Kohls Distribution Center where I worked with an ex-con named JJ who's highlight of the week was grossing me out with the inventive places he spat the juice from his chew and outsmarting his parole officer. Then I thought I had it. A foster care agency. Not too far away, (seemingly) wonderful women who owned it, having broken off from a larger company in order to right what they saw as the wrongs of the system. Two weeks into that, I was being accused of "stealing" time...of not being where I said I was...of not contacting who I said I did. All of which were lies. Eventually it came out that they were basically looking for ways to get rid of me...no worker had been good enough for them. Their most common lunch conversation were the line of fired workers who had occupied my position. There was "clueless", and "pajama girl", and the girl who worked there who I thought they liked even had the nickname of "horse hair". Wow. What a front. I had fallen for it and a month and seven days after starting, I was fired. Fired. It was an attack to my character, to my balance. Perhaps I shouldn't have let it affect me quite that much, but it did nonetheless. I've sat and complained and dove deeper and deeper into depression. No job. Can't find one. No one wants me. Then I went to an Epiphany Ministry weekend. Wow. I've done that same thing about 30 times. It was different this time. I came back to me. I told Christ that I was tired of running. Both myself and my fiance. We came together like we never have before, spiritual closeness being so much deeper and more complete than physical closeness. Then came the world. Back at home Monday morning and I felt some pain in my back. Okay, I can handle that...by Wednesday, I couldn't move. There was such a complete stinging, all encompassing pain in my lower back that I coiuldn't breathe at times. Now it's a bit better, but I can't walk very far without pretty intense pain. Why? Why right when I get back in the spiritual swing of things does this go wrong? I don't know right now, and I try to trust that I will. This is such a hard time right now and I could totally just let myself drown in this 23 dollar checking account, wedding with no down payment, life with no purpose depression. So often, it feels so cozy, so "home". So right to just stay there in the dark where no one can see me. So now I teeter...on the edge, but leaning towards sanity. Memorizing the stains on the ceiling and the sounds from the office below. I've had two interviews and a call from a temp service. None of which I can attend or do. I wish I could change how I acted before...laying around in bed all day when I could have done something...anything...Now I HAVE to lay in bed all day. Why do I always have to learn the hard way? |
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heatherbee
a trip down memory lane... Mar 2nd, 2006 10:33:53 pm - Subscribe
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| Wow...reading all of your entries. Everyone. Some hurting so bad. I felt like I was traveling back to the house on the street where I was the only child of a drunken bastard and a good intentioned mom. It both comforts and sickens me to know that not only was I not alone, there are those still there. Me in my "grown-up" 26 year old self living in an apartment without the negativity sometimes finds it hard to call up that quiet desperation that my life found it's foundation in. I know that it has shaped me. I know that the yelling and screaming, me hiding in my closet with a flashlight and a journal made me who I am today. Who is that exactly? Everytime I have a breakdown or a breakthrough I wonder that. How is it that all the experiences that are me have woven into this tapestry that is both beautiful, breathtaking, and sickening all at once. Both successful and failing. I want to tell all of you to hang on, it gets better...but then I realize that I'm still hanging...still waiting for better to come. Sure, there are times of relief...times when the world feels connected and fluid...when it feels like I am exactly where I should be and need to be. But those moments are few. Those moments are noteworthy...and maybe that's what makes them. If I always felt balanced and right, how special would that be? If I never wondered what was hidden in the secret places of me, I would never look. Three years ago, I got a job which I would call a career...managing a runaway shelter for teenagers...I became that place. I lived for it. Now that it is gone, (of my own choosing, in some ways) I realize that maybe I wasn't ready to be an adult. To be commited to this and spearheading that. How is it that some seem to be able to grow up so fast and leave behind the angst of the teenage years while a few of us hang on like that is all there is. But is it? What is being a "functional adult"? Going to work and coming home. Existing. Is this peace or realizing defeat? IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE WRITING AGAIN!!!! |
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heatherbee
GRRRRRRR!!! Mar 3rd, 2006 11:51:05 am - Subscribe
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I just wrote this huge long thing and my computer randomly decided to go to another page, thus erasing all that I had written. That's it for now...I may come back later and try again, but for now....argh.... why did the bubble gum cross the road? ..... wait for it.... cause it was stuck to the chicken's foot...!! (thank you to my grama Jessie) |
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heatherbee
...better stay where I put it... Mar 5th, 2006 2:38:50 pm - Subscribe
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Shrek and Donkey. Ha...I'm in a little corner of heaven this weekend. My brother and sister came to visit...they just left. I'm laying in the chair (because my back is still hurting, though not as bad) listening to Shrek 2 on TV and watching my fiance build things with legos. I went to church this morning and they prayed for healing over my back. Ha...I just noticed that the "mood" thing came up automatically "dodgy"...I love that. That was my host brother in Ireland's word for everything...therefore I will leave it, whether or not I really feel dodgy. It's so weird to see my brother and sister "grown up" ...one 20 and one 16. It feels like I moved out so long ago. I read of a "light industrial" job through a temp agency in Findlay...I'm calling them in the morning...and hopefully that works out. It's first shift and it says that there are many "sit down" jobs. I think I could handle that right now. No, it isn't exactly social work like my license and degree say I am capable of, but it would be something to pay my bills and make me feel like I have a direction and something to do. I'm so done just sitting around and trying to see how long I can sleep so that more of the day will be gone when I get up and I won't have to endure as much. My brother borrowed my camera and brought it back broken. Well, I don't blame him for it at all, really, it has needed love for some time now. But his using it makes me realize yet again that I need to start taking pictures again. It's something I enjoy and makes me feel real. I am so antsy to get married. To have him with me all the time. I feel so full and right when we are together. There have been times when I have stayed at his apartment for long periods of time and it amazes me to see how it feels. We sometimes fight when we dont' see each other very often. I think it's the fact that I am a facial and body language reader. I feel like when I'm talking to him on the phone that he isn't responding to me right or that he is not "with" me in conversation. Anyhow, I think that's all I want to say for now...I am getting excited about wedding planning...starting soon...as soon as I can stand up for extended periods of time and not feel stinging pain... Heather, out. (sorry, I have a strange and all-encompassing obsession with all things American Idol....did you notice that he doesn't say that anymore? )....anyhow... 
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heatherbee
I'm here to tell ya I'll keep rockin' till I'm sure it's my time to roll...Rich Mullins Mar 7th, 2006 1:11:41 am - Subscribe
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And it won't break my heart to say goodbye" Wow. What a day. What an amazing conversation I had with Joe this evening. You know, sometimes we just move. We just exist and do things that we don't really think about. We live day in and day out with the hello goodbye breakfast lunch dinner and we don't really take time to remember why we love someone. We talked about spiritual addictions and about our goals and the things we know that we have to change and be in order for our marriage to be strong and lasting and real and good. And real good.  I know at least for me, these are such important conversations. For a long time, I was convinced that I would never get married. That idea scared me so much. To enter into this commitment that essentially meant nothing. That's how I saw it thanks to my serially monogamus mother. After seeing two divorces first hand and many second and third...why wouldn't I believe that? Only a couple of years ago I realized that my grampa (paternal) was really a "step" granpa. That doesn't change who he was to me in the way that really matters (relationship and love)...but in terms of his blood flowing through my veins, it left me feeing disconnected and alone. I don't want that to happen to me or my family. Pink said it best in "Family Portrait"..."I don't wanna split the holidays, I don't want two addresses" That misplaced feeling. That foundation of longing. All my life it seems I was trained to leave. To run. I love escape. I admit that I have trouble with things that help me escape myself sometimes (like alcohol and drugs) I like that spacey numb feeling. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I know that there are millions like me. I want to learn how to live without that. Without longing for it. I know that earth is a temporary assignment and that heaven is home, but I want to learn to live as well as I can while I'm here. Okay. Now I'm getting tired. I'm going to bed.
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