heatherbee's Blog

I'm here to tell ya I'll keep rockin' till I'm sure it's my time to roll...Rich Mullins
Date: Mar 7th, 2006 1:11:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: ...sometimes it's so hard to put a name to how I'm feeling..!


And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"

Wow. What a day. What an amazing conversation I had with Joe this evening. You know, sometimes we just move. We just exist and do things that we don't really think about. We live day in and day out with the hello goodbye breakfast lunch dinner and we don't really take time to remember why we love someone. We talked about spiritual addictions and about our goals and the things we know that we have to change and be in order for our marriage to be strong and lasting and real and good. And real good. I know at least for me, these are such important conversations. For a long time, I was convinced that I would never get married. That idea scared me so much. To enter into this commitment that essentially meant nothing. That's how I saw it thanks to my serially monogamus mother. After seeing two divorces first hand and many second and third...why wouldn't I believe that? Only a couple of years ago I realized that my grampa (paternal) was really a "step" granpa. That doesn't change who he was to me in the way that really matters (relationship and love)...but in terms of his blood flowing through my veins, it left me feeing disconnected and alone. I don't want that to happen to me or my family. Pink said it best in "Family Portrait"..."I don't wanna split the holidays, I don't want two addresses" That misplaced feeling. That foundation of longing. All my life it seems I was trained to leave. To run. I love escape. I admit that I have trouble with things that help me escape myself sometimes (like alcohol and drugs) I like that spacey numb feeling. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I know that there are millions like me. I want to learn how to live without that. Without longing for it. I know that earth is a temporary assignment and that heaven is home, but I want to learn to live as well as I can while I'm here. Okay. Now I'm getting tired. I'm going to bed.
Comments: (3)

perfect110 - March 08th, 2006 I hope things continue to improve for your marriage, and you are so right when you say drinking and drugs are just an escape... I hope you can learn how to deal with life without them. I'm really sorry about your father... perfect~

kittie - March 08th, 2006 Marriage takes a lot of hardwork and communication. This is something I have learned. That is awesome that you and your husband could share about these things together. I rarely see marriages work out anymore (which is sad.)

tigerfly - March 09th, 2006 marriage does take a lot of work. you sound like you are ready for the responsibility. i think you can mentally effect how badly the pain in your back affects you. just like people can get so down that they think themselves in to a flu. i think your back collapsed under the stress you've obviously been under and it waited when it knew you'd be emotionally better enough to handle it. just like everytime i feel like i'm gettin sick i only really do when i finally have a day off! do you get what i am saying? you sound like you've been through a lot, but you sound like you are on the right path to healing and you sound like a really strong person! i hope the wedding planning goes well.

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