heatherbee's Blog

Pre-wedding thoughts...
Date: Oct 19th, 2006 2:14:42 am - Subscribe


So there's no word for how i'm feeling tonight...er...this morning. It's been awhile since i've been on here and i was just thinking tonight about writing...about sharing...about who i am. It's 2 days, 11 hours, and 31 minutes until my wedding. Wow. A time I never really thought I would arrive at. A time I never thought i even deserved. It's 2 am and I'm sitting here with my nails done up in my "granny jammies"...just think...I have to let a boy see me in my granny jammies...oh well. I love him. This is just such a weird time. Like closing a door on a life that never gave me what i felt i needed...that was lonely, but taught me alot. I talked to C tonight. It's been a long time. I thought I would just touch base before the wedding because i haven't seen him in forever...it might ease the awkwardness when i see him at the wedding, I thought. His voice hadn't changed...neither had his tone. I know he still has feelings for me and I mourn for him because i never did really have feelings for him and now his chances are up with me. He told me that he hoped i was happy and that i had found what i was looking for. I told him i was and that i had...and that i never would have if God hadn't put guys like him in my past to protect me and help me save me for Joe. I've wanted to say that to him for a long time. I really am thankful for what he did in the moment when i was begging him to do something we didn't have any business doing...the tender way he said no, smoothed out my skirt, kissed me on my forehead and left. I cried for so long because that made me realize how much I messed with him...how much I used him for what I thought I wanted/needed...and he truly loved me. Life is so strange. He was there when I thought I was going to go crazy...and then gone...then i talk to him 2 days before my wedding and he is back in a place of a fresh break up. I wish I could heal everyone. I hate that to make myself happy, I have to hurt someone else. I always did feel that way, I just didn't do anything about it then...I just pressed on...using others to make me feel better about myself...but being careful that no one found out my secret...that i wasn't who i presented inside...perfect with perfect intentions and perfect everything. I look at Christie now and I see so much of myself, but I also see her making wise decisions...she's strong. She's most likely not exactly who she presents either...I don't know what to tell her. I did those things. I stayed with a relationship that I knew wasn't right just because I didn't want to be alone...stayed with someone who obviously wasn't for me because my dad had met him...was the "other" girl that my best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her with...I enacted the stuff that jerry springer shows are based on. In spite of the fact that I've grown past all that, i am capable of those things..i did them. The stink of them are in my history...in my soul. I love Joe more than anything in my life..he gets me...he truly is my best friend. I don't deserve that. And somewhere inside myself, I fear that it's all a dream. I'm just getting a taste of what i could have had if i were a better person. Wow. That was cleansing. WHY DON"T I WRITE MORE OFTEN???? Why do we know the things that center us, make us feel human and living and growing and yet we don't do them. We lethargize around our worlds and complain that we have no direction. I need sleep. Mom is staying with me tonight and I know that she'll be up at 0 o'clock trying to get me up too...Goodnight and wish me a happy wedding, all~!!
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