| ok, fine. Here it is. Yes, we're still good and everything but honey-I explained to you why I ignore you sometimes-I told you I didn't feel like arguing and yet you persisted. It was all I could do to refrain from telling u to stfu. And why am I always the one that has to fucking change for the better as u put it? You have some changes to make as well to yourself. And I know, you'll play your usual little denial game, because to me the only reason you do that is because it makes u comfortable to blame me for everything-that way u don't have to face your own shortcomings and deal with them or even admit u have them. Which brings me to another point-In a relationship, each person should be free to explore thier own interests and passions. I don't have to be glued to your hip, nor you to mine. Anyway, love u-and all this you'll probably read and say whatever and dileberately miss the message I'm trying to convey. I guess we're still good-take care. |
| Just some points I would like to touch on tonight-and btw, I hope that 2009 is going well for all of u out there in Aeonity land. Let me begin by saying that I understand why you were hurt and angry last night-I do, and the last thing I want is for you to wind up in the hospital again. I will say it again, though-you need to find a better way to handle your anger rather than lashing out at me the way u did. I can't have u being like u were last night all the time-there maybe a lot of times you may get upset with me. We need to calmly and rationally talk things out like ppl in a relationship do. Attacking like u did last night only causes me to become hostile and angry and to avoid losing my temper, I leave-what u consider "ignoring". It does neither of us any good, I'm sure u can see that. And I hope that trying to get something across to you is not like trying to get something thru to Faith, which is impossible, lol. Again, I understand why u were hurt, and angry-but attacking is not the answer. I love u very much! |
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Well here it is, another end to a good weekend-except I was ill for most of it, bleah-some sort of stomach bug. Well, at least a bit of good news-I'm still employed at least thru this month, but when I pick up those last 4 points I'll be employed till Doomsday-lol. Anyway, honey, glad you're finally leaving there and headed back to your own place-it's for the best, really. I'm glad I was able to help last night-I'm glad you're my girl forever. I love u very very much and want the best for u and us. Have a good rest-Dream of me! xxxx |
| For so long I have ignored this-It was something that I considered really none of my business and that you would be just fine. But now I can't ignore it anymore-and it's high time you come face to face with it. It's interfering with the quality of my life and with the way we interact with each other. you have a mental disorder, whether you choose to admit it or not. Possibly bipolar, maybe something else. For so long u have kept it hidden or tried to-but it won't go away. You can blame your moods on me all you like-blame me for whatever, but the truth is that you need help. You need help, and you need treatment and therapy. It will help you lead a normal, healthy life and you will finally be able to come to grips with your past traumas-bipolar and manic depression are normally bought on by some big trauma or tragedy early on in life. I am unable to deal with your rapid mood swings and am unable to help you in the way you need to be helped. Until you get the proper help and treatment and therapy that you need and stop being in denial, I really see no way we can continue with this relationship. I am very sorry-I know this may be harsh to you but it needs to be said. I wish u all the best, Jess-and I truly and sincerely hope you get the help and treatment that u need. |
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Well, here it is, 2009. Feels about the same I guess-Happy New Year to everyone out there, and best wishes for 2009! Now to the point of this entry. I suppose, sweetheart, the reason I hurt you lies in my own anger and miserable feelings that hit me sometimes. I get depressed-And when I come home and you're not here, after a bad day, I get angry. Something in my mind says, "Do it-Make her feel some of the hurt you're feeling, make her feel as miserable as u do right now." I know deep down that u can't help not being here right now, I know that. But for some reason that I can't explain, something makes me wants to transfer some of the hurt and depression and anger onto you-sometimes the old saying "misery loves company" rings true with me. I know now that it's a rotten way to have a relationship with someone-hence one of my other New Years resolutions, to find some other outlet for my anger and sometimes mild depression rather than taking it out on you. I know that if you could be here right now with me, you would, in a heartbeat. 2009 will be our year, sweetie-It will be the year we make our move towards living the rest of our lives together. at 35, I feel my best years are behind me-but you are in your prime, and your youth and exuberance are refreshing. I am sure you can help me to enjoy life again-to make me feel invigorated and glad to be alive. I love you dearly, sweetie-and I am very glad to be your man. Here's to 2009-and to us. I love u, so much. xxxx |
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Well here it is, December 26-Soon a new year will be upon us-My where does the time go? I hope everyone out there in Aeonityland had a good Christmas or Hannukah, whatever the case may be. So-You want to talk and sort things out so we can get back on track, eh? So why do we keep falling offtrack? I know you'll just make up some excuse to take any of the blame off u and put it all on me like u usually do-I read your Myspace messages btw, and I did not misread what Faith sent to me-seems pretty cut and dry to me. She did have a point-that that what u percieve as not caring is exactly what she said-tiredness of the act, the act of "if everything doesn't go my way I'm going to kill myself" act. And if u think Brandy was pissed off at the "xmas" thing, well telling her to fuck off really sent her into a state-I'd stay away from her for a few days if I were you. See, right now, I don't know if I even want to get back on track-I don't really know what my feelings are concerning you. I know your family makes things difficult for you but you seem to be making no effort whatsoever to be strong and to stand up for yourself with them, which in turn, causes one of these "states" of yours. I don't need a basket case by my side, someone who's going to have a meltdown everytime there's an issue or a problem-I need a strong, emotionally mature, and emotionally stable woman by my side that I can count on when things get rough. you have not shown me at all that u can be these things-and I'm not going to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life either, not knowing what's going to set off the bomb that I feel is slowly ticking inside u. I will concede the point that I should have said more to you then nothing when I got home Christmas night-that probably didn't help anything. Let's just say that my faith in you has been severly shaken-and so has my trust since you apparently had sex with some guy named Liam. I just don't know anymore if we can make it together... |
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Hello again-1128 am on a overcast and chilly Friday morning-not feeling so great since I have a bit of an upset stomach and I didn't get to sleep until almost 4am this morning. There, that was the "assorted rambling", lol-now on to the meat of this nut. I guess, dear, the reason I am so sensitive to name calling-specifically, the ones that u have called me-is that I led a somewhat rough childhood as far as school was concerned. I know, I know, you'll say we were just kids and kids can be cruel, etc, but this was different. In junior high (6-8th grade) and for about the first year of high school, I was picked on mercilessly. I wasn't by any means popular-I was the short fat kid that everyone loved to pick on. I got called "loser", and "retard" and idiot more times than I care to count. I never fought back, mainly because these kids were older than I was (and bigger), so I just bore it silently. And it hurt, believe me-Not to the point to where I ran home crying everyday, but it did hurt. The retard thing came about because I was diagniosed early on with an actual learning disability as far as math is concerned and I was in special education math classes all thru school. And to these people, "special education" automatically translated into "retard". That sensitivity carried on into adulthood, and even years later, it still hurts-Maybe not to the degree it did back then, but it still does. Even if someone says it in a joking way, I am still very sensitive to it. So when someone I am close to, someone I love very much and care about refers to me in those terms, it stings really bad-that someone of course, being you. I know you think it's silly-but I would appreciate it if you would not refer to me as any of those terms. You can think it all you want, just don't say it-It's all part of respecting the other person's feelings and sensitivities. I love u dear-I hope this clears up some stuff for you, and I hope you are being my strong girl when u go to see your parents. I love u very much, xxx |
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Hi, another day another entry. It seems that we've hit a bit of a snag, so to speak-I know that you're upset as to what u percieve to be another lie in regards to my ex-And believe me, I am sorry if I hurt u-But I don't understand why you're so upset over something I did in the past before we were even together and dating. You want me to tell u stuff-to not keep things from u-But when I do tell u stuff and let you know everything, you get in a huff and get all mad. Again, I am very sorry if I hurt u-but you have to understand-we weren't even dating nor together then. I love u-I want to be with u, but I don't need u getting mad and upset at me when I do tell u stuff. I love u so much, baby-and I want to be with u forever. xxx |
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Well, here I am again on a cold rainy Thursday-skies outside match my mood, lol. I know, baby, that us being long distance is hard on you-I know it is and believe me it is just as hard on me. We have done a great job of making it work thus far-Don't give it up now. January isn't that far away-and then we will have the life u want when u come back to stay. I love u with all my heart, I really do, and I want to be with u forever. On the sibject of sharing feelings-I promise u you're not in this alone. I have told u a lot of stuff since we've been together-I let u know when I am upset, annoyed, etc-and I let u know when something's going on that I don't like or am not comfortable with. And pardon my bluntness-but you're the one that needs to open up more. I complained about this earlier today and it feels like I got blown off. When it's obvious something's bothering u, or you're upset about something, please, talk to me-Don't shut down on me and don't think it's something I can't deal with. We're a couple-We share things and help each other work on things. Keeping it to yourself only makes it worse. Even if it's about me, I want to hear it-I want to help. And as I mentioned above, I share. I do. Love u very much, honey-Glad you're my girl. xxxx |
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Well, here it is, test day. This afternoon at 130pm I find out if I've prepared enough as everything's on the line here. Although I'll have to find some way to not think about that-I fear it will distract me and I won't remember everything I've studied. I'm confident I will pass this time-I've done the best I could preparing since Halloween-so I'll just have to be happy with it. Love u so much, baby-Thank you for your belief in me and your continued support. xxxx |
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Well, here it is, the day after Thanksgiving-I had a pretty good day yesterday, stuffed myself with wonderful food-My grandmother and cousin were in from South Carolina, so we spent time with them-they ate Thanksgiving dinner with us as well. Now, they're all off doing the day after Thanksgiving shopping thing-lol, I know, because I got woken up at 530 this morning by my mom calling from the mall to check on something I wanted for Christmas. I tried to go back to sleep and dozed for about an hour before I finally gave up and woke up probably around 7am and watched tv, which is what I'm still doing. Going back over there tonight to stuff myself again on leftovers-lol. So that was my day yesterday. Also watched some football-watched my Dallas Cowboys carve up the Seattle Seahawks-Go Cowboys! So what is it that you don't think you can do anymore? I know it's hard on you, baby, with me not being there physically for you-And believe me, if I could I would hop on a plane right now, but it is just not possible right now. I love u very much and want to spend the rest of my life with u. I know your mom is not making things easy for you-And it appears everything I've told u to say and what to do isn't working. I don't want us to break up-I want us to stay together, I know we can make it work. I hope that you don't do anything stupid-I know you can do this, baby, I know u can be strong. Love u very very much, baby-xxx |
| Well, here we are coming up on another Thanksgiving, and Monday, December 1 is the day-the day to determine if I will have a job after December or not. I have a plan B-I have survived on unemployment benefits before, I can do so again. But anyway, that wasn't the "little worry", lol-I have said that I can only help as much as you'll let me. Keeping something from me when something's bothering you, especially when it's obvious something's bothering you, doesn't help-I know I've said this before. I appreciate if you think keeping whatever it is from me will keep me calm and from attacks or what have you-but all I do is worry when u do that. And you need to reprogram yourself to get rid of the word die-No way will I allow that to happen. We are doubtless going to face some challenges and maybe some setbacks in our life together-I need someone by my side who is strong and able to help me overcome them, not shut down and get all depressed. I love u baby-but I think you'll agree this is alegit grievance that we need to work on. Have a good rest-I love u dearly! xxxx |
| Well, spent another terrific day with the love of my life-I am really so very happy. All the stress is gone, the weight is gone-all I need to do is pass this test and everything else will just fall into place. Just one thing, dear-If drawing on my strength and stability isn't enough-if repeating what I told u isn't enough-please, continue to let me help. Don't shut down on me and don't lash out at me-that hurts more than anything, especially when I'm only trying to help u. I love u, very much-I don't want to ever argue with u. xxxx |
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850pm Finally I get my baby off to bed so she can get the sleep she needs..I know it would probably be a lot easier on her if I were there physically but that is not feasible nor finacially possible right now. I am trying to keep her on course and remind her that she will be here soon-December or January isn't that far away. I know it makes her sad that I'm not there physically-and I will say that on a few of these cold nights I wish she were here to snuggle up with as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder or so they say-but sometimes it makes it harder. I love u baby, and I am not unmindful of how much u need me-I need you badly too. Soon, hopefully very soon, we will be together. Anyway, I guess the rest of my evening will be spent in front of Need For Speed Most Wanted-I feel the need to take out some frustrations behind the wheel, and this way I won't hurt anyone or myself, lol. Love u so much baby-Keep your chin up, stiff upper lip-we will be together very soon. xxxx |
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20 November 2008, 140pm Well, I have been studying now for a little over.. let's see..started at 1030 so a little over 2 hours? This math is outrageous-even my bosses say I'll never use half of it in my career because I'm not an engineer, but it's good to have a basic understanding. So I do. Some of these I simply can't do, so I'll bug the skipper on Monday, lol. For the rest of the day, I'll probably go out and get a little lunch and some more stress relievers, aka cigarettes-lol. I fugure I've done enough studying for today, since my bosses have always maintained a study time of at least 2 hours minimum. The last test I did quite well in all the other areas-the math killed me. But now that I've got a quite firm handle on that, I just have to hope I can keep everything straight come test time (Monday, December 1 at 130pm in case u were wondering). I know I won't get anything done next Thursday because that's Thanksgiving here so I plan on probably studying at least 2 hours every day at home and whatever I can get done at work, I should be good. Anyway, I'm rambling, lol-Off to the store and to procure some foodstuffs! Love u very much baby-Have fun with your friends! I'll probably lose myself in a video game therest of the afternoon-lol Love u dearly, baby-wish u were here with me. xxx |
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20 November 2008 954am Well, here I am again-I have been advised to use my Aeonity more often-so I thought I would post an entry before I take my breakfast and hit the books to study for my test the week after next. I am so happy with my sweet gf Jess-She has shown me a lot over the last few weeks, and I have helped her out of a sort of mental crisis. I am happier with her than I ever was with anyone else. I want her to continue to draw on my strength, my stability-Jess, baby, I love u so much and I hope we stay together forever. You are my light, my inspiration-talking to you after I've had a bad day just makes everything better. I cannot wait for you to finally be here in person-then my life will be complete. We will thumb our nose at everyone that says we can't last-that we will disentegrate. We have shown each other a lot over the last few weeks, and we have a very strong bond that I hope is unbreakable. I love u honey! |
| Oh happy day-I haven't written here in forever since my last entry but suffice to say that me and Jess are together, very very happy and we both love each other very much. She will be here in the States with me next year to start our new lives together, hopefully as early as next spring. I know my last entry was very sad so hopefully this one is much better, lol. I love that girl to pieces and she feels the same way about me. |
| Well, as I am new to this I hope my first entry makes some sense. I find myself today wondering about a lot of things. Is she really and truly gone? Has she truly left this Earth? Part of me is hoping that she is still alive and is holed up somewhere, away from society and people for awhile. Part of me is also wondering why, after our last falling out, that I didn't follow my first instinct and let Michelle go so that I could be with her-it was plainly obvious that she needed me badly, yet I was too blind and too self absorbed to see it at the time. Michelle is too hung up on herself and her own issues to even care about me or our relationship anymore, I can see that more and more with each passing day. I guess that I should accept the fact that she truly is gone, and so is any chance of healing the rift that I put between us. If Jess were to show up at my front door tomorrow and beg me to be with her, to give her a chance and to help her, I would do it with no hesitation. Anyway, this blog ended up being more maudlin then I intended, lol-Jess, wherever you are, I hope that you are safe and that you finally found the peace and happiness that you so richly deserve, and I am very sorry that I was so blind to your needs and too wrapped up in myself to care. |