playwright
That's another matter, Brandy Alexander - Subscribe
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playwright
That's another matter, Brandy Alexander - Subscribe
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| Love, and that's all. |
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playwright
What makes you forgettable January 30, 2008; 1:58 AM - Subscribe
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So yeah, I've thought about you recently. I'm trying to be more careful with my love. Doling out tiny, measured bits to worthy strangers, shedding some feather-sized pieces to lay in the perfect corners nature makes, and saving the rest for myself. Except there's someone captured in my photographic brain that makes me want to free every last bit. I have the feeling that this sudden rush of happy feeling and artistic energy will be sewn and painted and written into new projects and plans, mapped-out dreams brought to fruition by a sudden, nameless motivation. All this wishing and waiting, and we were living in the trees all along. I feel so silly for not realizing it sooner, but then, there were so many veils obscuring my vision, so many hands blurring across my heart before. There's something about 2008. |
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I know the title sounds so serious, i found it first then tried to create these line and i dont think i did some justice to the title. Any way this is the only poem that made me so in love, in a delirious way.... there's a day between todays and tomorrows when our lives arrangedly clenched with those lines that explain how world treats us where admiration and promises are layed unsonsciously that soon we'll be more than just this distance between here and there, so often i wonder if there's even a slight doubt that tomorrow's sun will shine on us in unity.... not just the sun that shines on me shines on the moon that shines on you. august 24th. 2007 |
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lately i keep on forgetting important things to do, started with forgetting to take my student id card. it's been ages! then i forgot to contact the teacher that will help me at the high school i will practice teaching. forgetful omie.... thank god i never forget that i'm fasting lol. maybe because its been a hectic life lately, with all the jobs and thesis and a friend came to town. hell yeah it was fun to show him around although with a little fear that he wouldnt like my town. but he does! dung drun dung.... i'm determinated to spend the day of tomorrow going outside since i've been "hiding" for 2 days.... hahaha hello sunshine!! |
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Sunday, 10th sept 2007 i intended to come to my campus to meet my lecturer, to discuss about my thesis. It sacrificed the meeting with the school i would teach soon after the Ied Fitri. And quite confusing the way my 2nd lecturer asked questions and the stares [LOL], he really attacked me and i wasnt really prepared for that, what a bad student i am. Then i saw these people doing exercise in pretty dumb moves. It was for the orientation day of the new students, i used to be part of them , then part of the committee. Hard to say which one was better, being the new student or the committee. Both got pressure from the senior, both tiring. I prefer to be the senior, like this year.... i spent time to just watch people screamed and shouted at nothing [at people but for no reason, most of the time]. Hilarious how my seniors [even the drop-outs came for this] did the exact same things just like when i was the new student and committee. An act of fight between the senior and the committee. Then nasty how they made people did physical things [read: push ups,] literally kissed the floor. i made some videos of this day, i think i'm gonna send them to friends.... Hehe indonesians' students orientation day........................................ |
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someone used to say this frequently, that life goes on without you meaning that some people dont even bother about you being alive or died. LOL there are some people i miss, i know they "kindda" miss me too but then when i see them online, the sense is different. We then not in the mood to say hi to each other because the last time it ended up with nothing to say. We're living in diffrent situation and i dunno maybe they try to disconnect with the past??? doesnt mean that i'm part of bad past huhhuhu... So it's better to wait ages until we finally meet in real life, maybe next life hehehe.... |
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little girl is sitting next to a driving momma excitement appears on her cute face as her tiny lips burst words rapidly i cant hear them for this window that blocks us must be something about new song she's just learned or naughty snotty boy did silly thing in the class suddenly she stops and stares at a big billboard a famous artist is coming to town, her eyes say finished with her amazement, she looks at me i smile, busted for watching her and she smiles back, pointing her finger to the green light we then head to different directions selamat jalan gadis kecil...... |
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playwright
Bad luck September 5, 2007; 9:20 PM - Subscribe
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Is this a coincidence? I mean, come on. My Magic, Science & Religion course is quickly becoming my favorite class this semester. I had an assignment due yesterday morning which entailed reading three articles, all of them basically about different uses of and ideas about magic. We were also told to bring a magic item to class, a lucky charm or some such thing that we believed held some kind of power. I read two of the articles, and of course forgot to bring in something. Luckily (hahaha), I usually carry St. Christopher around with me, and when I got to class I dug around in my bag and found him in a pocket. Patron saint of safe travel, or as I often fondly call him, patron saint of the lost and weary. So, I got away with not being fully prepared for class. However, my boyfriend hasn't been so lucky these past few days. First, over the weekend, we went to a party at a friend's house, and he played a few rounds of Three Man and became quite intoxicated. Now, I have no problem with that on occasion, because he's not obnoxious or anything like that. However, when we got back to the apartment, something happened that can only be described as terribly unlucky. My boy must've tripped or stumbled over something, and he fell right through a door, headfirst. I swear, it was the loudest thing ever. When I went to check on him, he was passed out on the floor face down, which scared me to death. I turned him over, and after calling his name a few times and patting his face and his chest, he woke up, completely disoriented. He asked me where he was, what was going on, and wouldn't respond to what I said. His eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out again. At this point I was so upset I didn't know whether to call my mom or my best friend who was still at the party or 911, at the same time thinking that I should probably not leave him alone and that he needed to be awake. He was still confused the second time I woke him up, but a little more certain, and we decided he should get up and lie down on his bed. It was an ordeal getting there, and I was still so nervous that I wasn't sure what to do, and I was pretty sure I should call somebody, and I was almost to the point of tears, and I wanted my mom, but I really didn't want to freak him out and make things worse. So I put ice on his head and I just let him ramble on about how he was going to change the world, he was going to change things, things were going to change. And thank God he didn't pass out again because I already felt so useless for not being able to do anything. For the next few days, he had bad headaches and dizzy spells, and I still kept asking him if he was alright, if he thought he should go to the hospital, et cetera. He seemed to be doing better, so I let him say that he was alright, he didn't want to go, everything would be fine. I drove us to my mom's house to stay overnight, and when I told my mom about it she looked up head injuries in her medical book and said we should take him. When I told him, he said, no, no, I don't need to go, I'm fine. We just let him sleep, and gave him Ibuprofen, and his eyes weren't swelling up or turning purple like he said they would if he had a concussion, so I tried to stop worrying so much, even though that doesn't really work with me. Well, after he woke up from his nap, and before going to sleep for the night, he decided to go for a walk. It was about 12:30 AM. I was taking a bath when he told me he was going out, and I thought nothing of it, he probably just wanted to go out for a smoke and stretch his legs a bit, get some air, whatever. Well, my mom lives in an okay neighborhood, but if you go down the street one way, we're pretty close to a bad neighborhood. The kind you don't go taking walks in at night. Of course my boy goes the wrong way down our street and ends up there. Well, I got a call from him about five minutes before I got out of the tub, and, still thinking nothing of it, I took my time. Well, when I got his message I was just about hysterical with worry, and I started pacing up and down the stairs, all around the house. I even walked outside and then I sat on the step and tried to call him back. He didn't pick up. The message he left was something like, Eva, call me back when you get this, I really need you right now, I can't really talk, call me back please, bye. And I suddenly knew, and I felt so, so, so stupid. We got ahold of each other pretty soon, and he told me what had happened, and all I wanted was to see him and know that he was alright. The first thing he said was I got jumped, then I got beat up pretty bad, then I'm with the police right now. It was a long twenty or so minutes waiting for him to get home. He got punched in the face really hard, glasses bent out of shape, lens missing. For some unknown reason, he had decided to put his wallet in the car before walking, so he still had that, and his phone, which was on the inside of his coat. But the guy stole some money out of his front coat pocket, less than $100, but my boy has money problems as it is, so that's just another bit of the rent or car payment that he has to make up for and can't spend on groceries or gas. He said he had never run faster in his life, and he was surprised that he was able to run that far that fast, because he fills his lungs with tar. It made me feel so sad, not just that this thing happened, or that it happened on top of what had already happened a few nights before, but that it happened to my boyfriend, who has done nothing to really deserve such bad luck, except perhaps getting into a bit of debt, owing other people money, but even that doesn't seem like the type of thing that would cause such disastrous repercussions. He's still going to pay everyone back eventually. I've been taking care of him. I'm just waiting for some miracle to fall in my lap and relieve the stress I've been under. Besides all of these illogical mishaps, I've just started back at school and I'm already behind, I have a lot of work to do for my classes and I've been working a lot. I have a full schedule; I go to school four days and work three. I missed work on Sunday, so my paycheck is going to be weak this Friday, and I really don't want to run out of money again. I've been feeling like I'm running thin, being bled dry again. There's something weird about this time, though, and the time just before that; I know I've changed over the past two months or so, a lot, but I expected myself to have snapped by now, or to have exploded, and I haven't. For some reason, I'm just able to bear up under the strain, now. Everything has gotten easier, or if it hasn't, I've become stronger, or maybe just more adaptable. Whatever it is, I feel like life is so much better now, and I'm glad to be in it, and to have so many people and things that I love surrounding me. So much friendship. No matter how unlucky we can be, we always seem to make it out okay, together. I love that about us. I'm reminded, as I constantly am, of the quotes, "Not all those who wander are lost," and "Still your mind." Everything has got to be okay, eventually. Things have got to sort themselves out somehow. It's going to be hard for a little while, but hopefully, it'll start looking up. I have to believe that, or else I'm just going to curl up and disappear. And that never makes anyone feel better. |
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it's been quite a long time since i wrote my last blog. fiuh... and a new comment woke me up and i decided to write... here i am. whats new with me??? quite alot, now i'm quite into teaching and soon, very soon gonna teach at school. not as a job but graduation requirement as it is i hope i can graduate soon. next year, 2008 will be such a tremendous time to graduate. i'm working on my thesis, if only my lecturers would be more cooperative. i'm dealing with the wrong people. HOHOHO. besides that i also have some jobs, all parttime and so i still have times to spend [read: napping] last big project i had was being an interpreter for this swedish and vietnamese who visited their company branch. for 4days i was stuffed by these languages of their business, and oh gosh! they also did the dirty talk and asked me to translate it, damn i was the only girl there. pretty much i was in the corner esp. when the vietnamese asked for a massage. Yaiks! he said "i need massage and i have money, rather than giving it to someone else, can you massage?" but i knew what he meant was a plus plus massage. and he was freaked out when he ordered for massager from the hotel they sent him an old lady. Hwakakak poor him. then what else.... ah ya i've been in this circle of friendship, a dangerous one actually. but i'm a big girl who knows who i'm dealing with and how. but yet it was so sweet when i knew someone was worried about me being contiminated by that person. that person is a girl, older than me, who has so different perspective about life and love. if i think so asian [by this i mean real ancient asian lol] she thinks the other way, she thinks she can sleep with anyone and anyone can sleep with anyone. totally not what i would like to think about. she's fun to be with sometimes, when you need someone to talk to. but what she discuss with you would be the same thing again and again. hehehe one more thing, last night i dreamt about the he-who-may-not-be-named guy, no he's not voldemort. he was a guy in my past, recent past. he proposed me but then i found out that he was not more than a seed-spreader [gosh i love that term] and he lied to me about having a baby [or babies] with someone else. it was good to know it at the right time thou, thanks for the circle of my friends. so..... in that dream, i saw him i was behind him and i called him. as he saw me he gave me this weird stare and smile as if he was amused on how i was bold enough to say hi to him. still, even in that dream he was a jerk! i dunno why i dreamt about him dung dung dung.... that doomed english man! what a story eh???? |
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playwright
Sorry I August 29, 2007; 12:12 AM - Subscribe
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missed your call. x The world is a dangerous place. So many people moving between each other, passing glances and never looking back. So many nameless faces with scraps of sentences attached to their memories, lost among so many others sewn upon the patchwork quilt that is the makeshift file cabinet of my subconscious, stretching out for miles in every direction. Dangerous and lovely. I have a feeling that my eyes are about to be astounded. Some beautiful, inevitable combination of colors will come to them and it will be the most perfect image that I have ever experienced, because behind it there will also be beauty, genuity. Those passing glances turned to smiles, your lips moving to speak. Acquaintances made friends. Things are so much better now. |
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playwright
Sometimes I'm August 28, 2007; 3:43 AM - Subscribe
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the homeless man splayed drunk across the sidewalk, rambling life lessons in some angry new language, inventing stories as if it might stop someone on the street and hold them there, locked in momentary friendship. Spewing emotional bullshit with eyes wet and black, aglisten with the perfect orange of streetlamp glow, claiming to have reached some immaculate conclusion on the subject, but just full of shit. Just full of it, and sometimes I walk the dark streets of these neighborhoods alone, sucking in the night air like a last breath and wishing I could solve your life with the simple brush of hair against skin, or simple words that simply float out of my mouth, or a not-empty wallet. Worrying about worrying about things, too many things, two people who can and can't and will and will, will, will. x  Hello, little girl lost in halos, traipsing through fields of cinnamon and snow, Christmas tree gardens beginning to grow under your little feet, breathing in childhood memory. How many empty hearts will you follow? How many empty bottles will you swallow? The numbers you collect jangle like keys in your pocket, if only you would take them out and spend them on so many waiting doors. Janitor of burdens, let go of your rusting collections piece by ancient piece, quit your job, flee the country. x 
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playwright
Sweetened with pure cane sugar July 28, 2007; 10:02 PM - Subscribe
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Had I known you were going to holocaust me in a matter of minutes I would have finished that abandoned portrait of our love and filled in all of those tiny spaces with black paint. Instead I slowly turned in that trough of old feeling, thinking, this is leading to me walking off of the edge of a cliff. When I was three years old, and this might have been a dream, my parents took me to a beautiful park and we hiked across the top of a waterfall. We looked down from a tiny perch of jutting rock and I was so afraid to die, but they promised not to let me fall, and I trusted them with my life. Once in high school I burned a wide line of purple on my left arm with an iron. I distinctly recall not reacting fast enough, that moment when I knew I was stupidly causing myself injury, but was unable to immediately stop the cause due to lazy gross motor skills. Today I reacted far quicker, though my wound looks somewhat dire. It fascinates me how I manage to cover myself in angry bruises and puffy red scratches. For every scab or sunken purple mark that gradually fades to a more acceptable color of skin, a new dent appears somewhere. My body could tell stories. You're head over heels, obsessed. I can't take you on, I can't add you to a list of names, I don't want you on my plate, I am lonely, leave me alone. Your company was beautiful until you ruined it, and now I just want to shut you out of all my windows and doors and sleep you away with medicine. Come back to the person that you were. I felt something pure. It stamped its feet on my chest with such volume and shook me, shook me up all frightened and furious and filled my head with fire. And it was ugly, and it was mad, and when it left I felt brutally cleansed or robbed as if that thing which shouted such vulgar poetry inside me had erased a memory, scrubbed some written-upon part of me clean, and the remaining impossibility just lingered like a cloud of ash over the world, stinging my eyes with realization and the inevitable misery that follows. You never showed me that poem that you wrote. |
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playwright
Strawberry water July 20, 2007; 10:11 PM - Subscribe
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Cars flash by, peeking in through the windows with childlike, wildflower-like eyes. Sugar pours down my throat. My pink brain is coated with laughter soft like an electric blanket, with hazy field people and cold, spilled water. I don't wanna live through winter. I can't stand to see everything ending. Summer covers the water under the bridge in algae. The remnants of life show their bones. A park bench, chairs, a construction sign. Angels walk by and say their hellos. They stare at me, dangling my legs over the edge, sucking on a cigarette, staring down from the middle of nowhere, my favorite place in the universe. Knowing I wasn't going to die. I decided it was a stupid idea. The world collapses and rebuilds itself around me. I can do nothing but watch. |
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playwright
Short stories July 12, 2007; 10:16 PM - Subscribe
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Where did the storm go? Now, the sky looks kinda blue. We can't decide what kind of weather we want. It's too hot in the attic, but she can't sleep with the fan on. I can't stop putting things in my mouth; I need something to fill it. I'm singing because it's too silent. Everyone is sleeping, or reading books. |
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playwright
Hah! July 12, 2007; 4:05 AM - Subscribe
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I wrote today. I'm writing. I can write. |
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playwright
It's getting light outside, and things are happening inside of my head June 28, 2007; 9:24 AM - Subscribe
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I've been writing poems. It's something new, because it's been so long. I've finally reached back into something that I used to be, to pull out some fragments of a personality. I stumbled down so many steps, blinded by my silly doubts and tripped over that hidden heart, a place filled with words that I used to know. I found an old path that I loved to follow, a book stashed between walls that details a history most complex and enchanting. To read it is not to relive past moments, but to taste a familiar taste, only now I am able to appreciate the depth and richness of its flavor. A new slant of light hits our subject. Or subjects. I suppose that would be more accurate. We've boarded up this window and created another with our fists, you, and you, and you, and so many yous. And I. It's an army of battling points of view, arguing over each other, shouting and then whispering, creating hymns of scattered harmonies that rise and fall and then suddenly crash, darkening into discordance, shaking my brain with war. These eyes are just opened. The world is fresh and bright and clean and it stabs my pupils like sharp knuckles. But to look away is to fail, for it begs to be described and understood. Alone, it is only what it is, and cannot make itself what it yearns to be. Will I feel this way forever, wanting this so completely, feeling right with the world, though my head aches from such discovery? No, but there is something reassuring in this knowledge. Perhaps its brevity makes it all the more valuable to experience. I know it will slowly vanish, and I will look on, wondering, as it slips into the folds of lost time, leaving only tiny traces of its existence in my mind. I don't mind. |
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playwright
Who knows why June 26, 2007; 12:15 AM - Subscribe
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They say, It must be a brilliant match; I think of striking the match and the immediate crackle of its lighting, the burst of light before it continues to burn. Is that us? I'd like to write poems and poems, I'd like to carve into my walls so many words that they run over each other and begin to blend together until it's just nonsense, so many sentences running together into a great illogical synthesis, and it will mean nothing, because it will mean everything at the same time, twenty-nine contradictions existing in perfect harmony, or disharmony, depending on how you will decide to read it. I think it's funny how you just fall short, by a mere number; just, just. It's another almost added to a list of almosts that stretches on forever into history. I'm falling off the edge. I'm moving toward a revolution, a great sequence of losses and gains. I'm headed toward the Sun, I'll burn up before I get there. I'll run out before I've run the whole way to the other side of the world. I'll run out of steam. But I will go, and it's the going that matters, that's really the point of the thing. Do you see? It doesn't matter. Everything has become forgettable. But I'm still teetering, here. Still waiting for an answer to escape your open lips, unexpected, filled with promise. |
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playwright
Picture in my mailbox June 18, 2007; 1:48 AM - Subscribe
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We might be alike. You're not talking much. I'm full of life. Leaves are filling my mouth, so bitter, so gag-reflex. The moment before death, when everything becomes overwhelmingly vibrant, the catch just before the fall, the corrected misstep. That adrenaline rush, recreating the world, the transition from blurry instability to knowledge, to feeling, to names and shapes. I'm in it. Turning into something. And you. And you. You, you. Would you just. Will you please. I want to ask something of you, but it really must be you asking yourself, to... to. Let go. Yeah, sometimes, I can't speak. Sometimes I hide under blankets, letting myself suffocate, becoming warm with all the wishes I keep under there with me. But I throw them off, I write my fevers away, I carve them into memory, and they will, they will, they will disappear. I will burn them up of my own volition. I can't take yours away. It's a vague thing, this; it's difficult to see everything clearly while in transit. But hear me, please, hear this, through the noise of traffic and look past the dizzy display of lights, the stretching lines, just understand. There's a melody out in the world, just playing over and over, quiet and clandestine, but you can hear it underneath the racket of everyday, and it's beautiful. And I am in love. With the way the world ripens and blooms and bursts open, the velocity with which people will move, strangers becoming friends, friends, ohhhhhhhhhhh, everythinggggggg. How the yous change and blend. How the days just keep ending, again and again, on good notes, or, perhaps, bad notes, and no matter what happens, I can't keep from smiling. Wave goodbye. Make it a happy ending. Say hello, take my hand, let's go, let go. We'll never sleep, we'll never be alone. All that light inside, all that hope! It just beams. We all glow. Keep your eyes open! Get outside! Love. |
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playwright
Angsty nonsense May 28, 2007; 6:14 AM - Subscribe
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The world is muted. The pitter-patter of keyboard keys is very far away. From the other side of my window, something breathes, cool and rustling. Should I wander, barefoot, into the night? Let it take my hair up on its invisible wings, soft against my face; let it scrape the soles of my feet and raise the hair on my arms? Follow the sidewalk until I'm good and lost, or stolen by crimes? Hands on the grass, no keys, only paper. Tear it out with my teeth, strain through them a meaning, pull up those words from deep down, pull them out! Grab a handful of something, make it count. Words on my tongue, tired to get loose, will it satisfy to have my neck in a noose? Let me go? Throw you off? Dive into the water, black, gone under the current, "take that train underwater, then we could talk it through"? This is a hallucination. This is a dream. This is a test, you're testing me, you're tapping into some psychological energy buried in a time capsule. Hidden in my wall. Some ancient treasure underground, under piles and piles of dust, locked in a safe. This does not exist, it does not exist. I do not exist. But if you could read my mind (Abrupt ending). |
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playwright
We lost our lives in backyards May 25, 2007; 7:08 AM - Subscribe
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My god, Summer is a thing of mystery. She's fallen asleep on me, taken up the whole couch. It's alright, I took a caffeine pill, so it's not like I'll be sleeping for awhile anyway. My head is rambling, fragments trailing off in so many directions at once, like arms reaching out into blank space for something just beyond the colorlessness. Maybe it's a tiny, shining moment, lost in time. I haven't thought about it much lately, but now, I wonder, how come none of us can forget? How come we cling to that color, that blur of smiles and nameless feelings? So many nameless feelings, melting together into one, vague image of a thing we just can't get back to, we won't ever touch that, that, again. So much green. So much beauty. It amazes me how unclear it has become, and yet how important it remains. This summer feels almost the same. The feelings are close. It's as if someone I have lost is breathing into my lungs, someone I can't possibly see. It's this ghost. Something, someone that vanishes as soon as you know it, or he, or she, is there. A mystery, a mystery, hiding in laughter and withering in picked flowers from my backyard. Perhaps we lost our lives in backyards, or in basements, or just in each other. I'll never really know. Do you remember that night that I snuck out the back door, to sit outside under the clouds until the rain began to fall? I was out of my head. I was wearing the turquoise shirt, the one I wrote a poem on, and later ripped a hole in. I don't know where that shirt is now. I must have said so many ridiculous things, you probably don't even remember them. I collapsed later and you told me I asked you to go fishing. In my backyard. What about that one perfect day, when we walked to your cousin's from school and jumped in her pool with all of our clothes on? I think all of us were there. We kept throwing things at each other. It started to rain, but it was the most beautiful thing, the sun was still shining down on us through the raindrops. I remember standing out in the road with those boys. Standing in the gutter as it filled up, feeling the warmest feeling. Feeling so full of everything that I could just burst. And the next summer, they ripped the pool out. My mom has reminded me, more than once, of how I used to beat her at games of Memory when I was only three years old. I played Memory a few years ago, I forget when and where and with who, but I know I lost. It's funny. I'm not sure how well I can remember now, or how well I remembered things then. Can we trust ourselves to remember anything purely for what it was? Can we remember anything, write or tell anything that relays a pure emotion, that getting-back-to, that one feeling that permeated our existence for a day, or a few hours, or even just a second? Can we recapture it, or is it gone? If only there were bottles for these things. Bottles for sunshine, bottles for bonfires, bottles for the color green and for the smell of a basement full of kids in love. I would have a collection. But I know we can all be new. Green doesn't get any less green, no matter how many times it reappears. The Sun doesn't die. My backyard might fall off of a cliff, but I'll have you all in my heart, and I'll never let you go, no matter how my memory degrades over time. You're as shiny as ever, do you know? I keep writing about you, over and over and over. I'll keep thinking of you, every summer that begins. I love you. Every one of you. And I don't think, anymore, that it really matters why. |