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omie i think i said it wrong... - Subscribe
....yeah think i did, to the person i like the most in this universe. Pathetic, i was trying to tell him how i felt (not feeling to him though).

He got it wrong when i said i didnt believe in man, when what i really meant was my dad (have i mentioned that?). All these conv happened thru msn.... while i was trying to explain it to him the electricity went out...
GREAT!!!

now i dont know what he thinks about me, but maybe like he said i have to stop caring about others--include him.
2 Comments
Mood: frantic

playwright Feeling yourself disintegrate Nov 7th, 2006 2:32:04 pm - Subscribe
Moving too fast, way


too





fast.





Sometimes, I catch the scent of some memory lingering in my subconscious, long forgotten, long neglected. It's as if some season or day or certain kind of weather or certain epiphany or other is just wandering about in me, and for a moment, my new eyes look into my old eyes, and I can see something amazing, a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of...

... of what? God, nowadays I can't even be bothered to explain anything. I feel like a character in a novel, being pulled along by a pen that I used to love to use, but by now it's a tired chore that I just do, and try not to think about.

But, once in awhile, some little wisp comes tickling my nose with a scrap of an emotion I can barely recall, and I feel something beautiful and otherworldly. I guess it's a way to travel back in time... maybe it's some kind of miniscule escape into a dream. Just a tease, an easily lost impression. Lost out of the window, lost out of the ends of my hair, lost out of the shadows underneath my bed. Tiny fragments, of what I don't know.

On another note, or maybe not so much, I understand why, Esther Greenwood. At least, I think I can understand. I've been trying to piece it together, been thinking it over, and it makes sense to me why. I wish I knew if there was a word for it, because I feel it, too. "The Problem That Has No Name." I don't know if we're reliving any certain overly domestic era, and I don't even believe that it was only then that it happened. I think that it just always is. Everything just hanging over your head, inadequacy like shackles, and everything fake. Living in a Surrealist painting, only the beauty is the evil, and it isn't really real, and you can't be part of it. You have to melt, down, you have to fall into the cracks like dust. Ahhh. Who knows if I'm making any sense. I never do, anyway. And besides, it's a futile thing to think about. It's a point that's impossible to make and be certain of, a totally useless problem to solve. Because everything's not mathematical, and I know I'm rambling by now, but I just can't ever figure things out, and have them stay that way. They unravel, like the most perfect red sweater caught in some ugly steel machine.
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Mood: Uhhhh.
Omi's Fairytopia: The Flaming Lips

omie rain, my bestfriend and netherland Nov 6th, 2006 9:53:34 pm - Subscribe
It's pouring rain outside and i'm in the classoom, noised by people waiting for the rain to stop, when i write this. I've been thinking about all that my best friend said, about his achievements, his faith and our dreams.

He's best friend I wanna have now and forever, no matter how bitchy he could be I love that he trusts me and always be there for me. Dont forget to mention amazing times that we've through together, all the ups and downs.

So this recently he told me that he got a super bloody great offer to " support his future", i was jealous and happy for him and so very double happy that he told me--you can say ONLY ME. He also encouraged me to go through the same way to get the offer, well i would but this dumbass dont know where to start. Do you wanna know what so sweet about him?! He always always believes in me, that i have something more that i have to explore. He unbelievably said to me one day that i had to join Puteri Indonesia (a kind of national beauty contest) and he'd be on the front row to support, that was a incredible speech. And his last statement was that i was one of his inspiring women, man oh man-should've said thank you so very much.

Still, the good news had another side, our threaten-to-be-neglected dreams. We share or shared the same dream of being away from home living together and fighting everyday (oh yes, i can picture the last scene). The offer, i predict, will take him away from me to then live his very own new dream. Sad, abso-bloody-lutely.

I have to admit that he's the best thing during all these......( i have no word to describe it). we support each other, that's the most important thing, and being someone he listens to, reminds me that i'm also (a human? lol) wanted or if i may borrow menur's word, Valuable.

And this pal, something that trully believe, that we'll soon meet again. and even years from now we'll still care for each other.
1 Comments
Mood: exasperated

playwright Quelque chose cache Oct 6th, 2006 12:29:40 pm - Subscribe
Je ne suis pas certain que j'existe. Peut-être je suis seulement air, et tout ce que je fais est se déplacer. Un fantôme que personne ne peuvent entendre. Tous le temps je cherche des horloges afin de mésurer moi-même. Mais pourquoi? Je ce fais, pourquoi? Je ne sais pas ce que je suis! Ah, je suis stupide, je suis confuse. Je suis la fille qui ne peut pas décider. Un moment, je ris, et le prochain, je disparais.

(I wrote you a poem, just for you, just for you, and I never read it. I never told you how I felt, and I think I have to make up for it... it doesn't make sense. One day, I was walking, I was just walking down the street, watching all of the people swarm the crosswalk like a mass of insects coming after me, and I felt like I was somehow gone, had been gone for some time. Perhaps I had disappeared before I even started to be deathbed-philosophical, before I realized that j'avais oublié la douceur de monde. And then I was erupting, but I didn't let it show, because nobody would have seen it anyway. The phone calls, the tones of and the hints in everything; I wondered, had some monster crawled out from underneath my bed and devoured my soul as I slept, unaware? J'ai été frustré. Drowned in that notion, and others. Et maintenant? Rien. Non, je ne suis pas correct. Pas rien. Seulement les poèsies.)
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Mood: Ahhhh, non, je n'ai aucune humeur
Omi's Fairytopia: Pas de musique aujourd'hui

playwright Appendages of lead, glass-knife mouth Sep 11th, 2006 2:36:51 pm - Subscribe
A letter, so feathery, so many letters... I tried to write,

I am so frightened.

I had a dream that I skipped school, but that I could see everything that happened while I was gone, my professor checking to make sure that I was absent, my name a shred, a lick of dust stirred by artificial light fixtures. So much paper, so many words, falling between faces and getting lost. I remember I used to rip the pages from those books, and replace them with my own, lesser versions. It seems useless, though. Too much text for too few feelings. Now, a four-word sentence, subject, verb, adjectives, seems to hold more weight than anything I've ever read or written. I am so frightened. I am so frightened.

Blood in my mouth, and everything's so dark, and heavy, and I can't help but think,
1 Comments
Mood: White, fractured
Omi's Fairytopia: Cremation

playwright Black clouds in a white sky Aug 25th, 2006 7:41:15 pm - Subscribe
I dreamt.

Black clouds in a white sky, God had dripped ink upon the air, chuckling. Lightning whispered through like arrows. The creek was freezing, and I was in its deep black ripples, between ice cubes. A test? Anyway,

A wide wooden church, lofty-ceilinged, is known by the obsessed. The obsessed, are obsessed almost to the point of possession, with religion, their religion. I do not know what kind of religion,

Rituals. They pray and pray, not to die in the storm that arrives.
2 Comments
Mood: Woah
Omi's Fairytopia: Ambient noise

omie old woman and her burger Aug 25th, 2006 2:26:47 pm - Subscribe
So many things happened lately when i stayed in jakarta for more than 2 weeks, things that i knew always there, therefore it didnt change me. I had that awareness already.....

That was a day when me and friends went to have burgers, then an old woman and her little boy came and asked for some money. She gave a gesture showing that she needed it for food, i gave her some. I watched her walked to the burger shop and ordered one but the waiter looked so reluctant to serve her. Maybe he's known that her money wouldnt be enough, and when it's true all that he could do was talked to his manager and the result was that that woman couldnt get a burger.
How did the others react? Nothing, or maybe i reacted too fast. Coz the moment that she was rejected, i was there looking at her and she automaticly walked towards me. She moved her lips and i recognized the word, then i knew she was mute ( dont like the term-more like a thing). I asked her how much she got, she handed me the money, i counted them and added some so she could get the food.
My friend thought it would be better if she just bought rice or something that can make her full, but my other friend thought maybe she also wanted to taste fancy food.

What's the lesson to be learnt????
0 Comments
Mood: stable

playwright Essential things Aug 23rd, 2006 8:33:06 am - Subscribe
The part.

You always say, I would give my right arm for, I would give my life for. I would slice my hands clean off if I saw. I would slit my throat if I knew. If you broke my heart. If you broke my mind. If you tore out my soul, I would hope to die. I would hope that my body would just disappear.

And parcel.

You keep a little to yourself. Your gifts and offerings hang on strings in the air, all floating baubles bobbling and twinkling, all starry. You say, This is enough. You think, Is this enough. Is it enough for you? You wish you could give, more, even though you're holding it all in. Hypocrit, cursing and praising yourself all the time, pacing back and forth wondering how to do two things at once. Is that selfish or lost? You try to make it enough. You think hard, and you give the most of you.

All the musing is a shiny tear in a tiny bowl. You could stare for hours at yourself, trying to figure it out, trying to solve the mystery, but then you'd be accused of vanity. You could stare into the television pixels, you could discover puzzles and harmonies hidden in everyday noise, but then you'd be accused of lunacy. You could sit on the edge of everything and comtemplate for hours on end, staring out as if from behind a plate of glass, but oh, that's so awful lonely.
1 Comments
Mood: Goodbye, sometimes, is weird
Omi's Fairytopia: Patrick Wolf - Bloodbeat

playwright Dear, Aug 23rd, 2006 2:13:38 am - Subscribe
All that sound underneath you has got to be so heavy. Who holds it up must have red and scratched hands. An underearth God full of red sweat. I watched a moth die, it was white as noise.

I imagined a cloak made of milk jewels. It was following you into the mirth, but there was no one inside it. When it realized it was floating, all the crinkled bag laughter stopped, as if washed away in the silk of tide waves. I wonder if the moth was lost, I think it was scared.

You wake up with your face close to the dirt and the mud. You have dry leaves in your hair the color of life and sun flooding your eyes with silver flecks. It rises up over the world and falls straight into you, but you're like a mirror, it makes you almost heaven, like I could almost reach through you but if I only had more faith. You are whatever animal you choose to be, today. Maybe a happy bear, or just contented, maybe something that lives in the sea. I would want to be a bumblebee, today. I often am wondering, what is it like to make love upon a flower?

(And I knew that it was lovely to have a Black Bear thinkin' of me... )
0 Comments
Mood: Dreamy from the feet up
Omi's Fairytopia: Black Bear

omie CWY 2005-we're sick Aug 22nd, 2006 12:41:19 pm - Subscribe
Try to remember what i did exactly last year, August 21st-22nd 2005, i landed on Canada for the first time. And this year, i saw other people leaving and did mine and my friends' parts-presented Indonesia for youth exchange. It was hurtful to watch them, i guess it was program sick and it wasnt only me. All of us, the past participants really really wanted to rewind or exactly reexperience it. I WANNA GO BACK TO WHITE ROCK!!!!! Hell i miss it sooooo bad, i miss my friends.... although i met some of them at the pretraining but it's not complete without the canadians.

What was crazy and fun and such a missing piece of my life since we'd done the program, we danced like old time. And of course it was saman dance, i hope i'll never ever forget the dance I love it as hell. we even added some new movements, HEI JANLA.........
0 Comments
Mood: clingy

paperdoll accomplishment Aug 22nd, 2006 3:29:35 am - Subscribe
tonight was nice i think i got him to actaully get something accomplished

and got 20questioned by the twin

im tired, et again

ariel
0 Comments
Mood: lovable

omie Saman dance freaks Aug 21st, 2006 3:17:22 am - Subscribe
Meeting with friends who really experienced the same thing with you was such a bless. I loved that we could go crazy together and danced as hell. Our fave dance, the saman dance was still number one- we even learnt new styles. It was so delirious......
0 Comments
Mood: organized

paperdoll 20 question game Aug 18th, 2006 2:37:29 am - Subscribe
im always tired lately

and my moms been up everytime ive been hoome which is annoying because im tired and she fires off the 20 question game.

i went to a funny movie tonight

and had shaved ice

-ariel
0 Comments
Mood: tired
Omi's Fairytopia: The Spill Canvas- Himerus and eros

paperdoll "she wants nothing... Aug 16th, 2006 12:53:04 pm - Subscribe
...but to wake and find u there"

i tend to write in gaps of time never very many in this blog.

for once i can say my life is going pretty good.

im in love, i think.

im getting along with my parents and sister.

works ok.

my boyfriend just bought a house i think thats a bit exciting i cant wait to actaully spend time in a house instead of a basement apartment. plus the house is like a block away from mine.
1 Comments
Mood: lucky
Omi's Fairytopia: Devics-Song For A Sleeping Girl

paperdoll "did u love me only in my head?" Jul 31st, 2006 5:20:13 pm - Subscribe
i went and sat judgement at my grandparents and in front of my aunts

i used to love my aunt jane i used to wish to be just like her BUT i dont see anything in her that i want in myself.

the one thing that bugs me is how they view my weight and how they told me i better stop eating fast food or ill get fat...or things i shouldnt eat.. i hate that im fine in fact been loseing weight thanks very much.

that and the critzing of my job im fucking 19 for heavens sakes my job is fine for now. plus at least im not unemployed like her thats always a good thing.

that and critizing all my friends i got from wendys its not fair what the hell does she even know she knows none of them.

im sick of being measured up and comeing up short and even my school picks arnt good enough the only good thing that this does is my parents love everything i do for awhile and stick up for me majorly.

im going to a movie and dinner with my mommy and sister

TA

-ariel

"And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you dont expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadnt blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you"
2 Comments
Mood: horrible
Omi's Fairytopia: Gin Blossoms- Hey Jealousy

omie let's backpacking...... Jun 25th, 2006 6:36:45 am - Subscribe
Yesterday was kindda a hectic day, spent my time with friends. I took a time to once again visited the nature festival.
They had a speech competition about nature, well they did good but the mc had not really good english. He's better than me in hosting an event though, i sucked and it was a music festival.
Hehe anyway i met again with the guy from the nature organisation, and found out that he worked at Hero-no wonder he looked familiar eh??!
Someone at that nature festival asked me to filled questionaire, i honestly couldn't write down anything without any hard material under the paper. I need something, I thought....
There were some foreigners sat near by us and I saw a dvd case, so I asked them whether i could borrow it. But since i just pointed at the direction of the thing without specificly mentioned the name
one of them handed me a frezbee instead. Haha no problemo anyway, I asked them where did they come from and they were from US, came just for visiting. They were going to go to Bali in an hour, but man they're still at the mall
I envied them, really they were just backpacking here in Indonesia. Really wanna do that and maybe I will someday backpacking in Australia with my lovely Maya and Sony.Amien....
Me and my friend were waiting for the dance performance but it seemed forever for them just to make it happen. Darn! And until we left they still hadn't began yet..And guess what we met again with those americans and one of then who talked to me before
said"How are you?" to me, well what that supposed to mean??? Just because we were always at the same place??It was a coincidence man, anyway he told me he liked to eat street food than one at the mall.
He even knew about "sanggar", the fried banana, he liked it the most.

what i'm doing now is eating pem-pek, yummy, and browsing at my neighbors' house hehhe. I just waked up from my nap-it was a quite long one. I felt so sleepy after my sister's farewell party.
it was a boring one, in the end i asked her to go home although it's not finish yet. Anyhow i brought my new hand bag though it's not ready to launch yet, it was good enough though.
I just need to resize it and do something else, it's gonna be pretty i'm sure.
0 Comments

omie my handbag in a process-time to be creative Jun 23rd, 2006 1:15:16 pm - Subscribe
What happened today.....................

It was quite a day, i started it with the routine-wake up late and walked out the room half sleepy then sat infront the tv doing my new project. I'm quite enthusiastic about this spending-the-time project yippy, bring-back-memory-kindda project. It's about making my own bag(again), i was trying to make it more fashionable this time and it's all hand made. I had to sacrifice my new skirt I bought in Jakarta, oh well it was kindda weird anyway- no hard feeling.

Probably it'll be done by the end of this week, or early next week-can hardly wait lol.

Today was a patience test day, me and my sister had to spend time for a waste on dentist. For god's sake we were waiting 2hours and in the end we were feed up with Indonesia's queque system so we rolled out from the patience game. We went to the mall instead, what a bad girl!!! I was stranded into this little shop where the thing I saw first was this cute jacket, then i looked at the others and it turned out that they had one like mine. What was shocking was it costed 125.000 while mine was 50.000, what a blood sucker!

But anyway I bought a bottle of fake parfume for 10.000, i was quite happy about that and when we left the shop i was the best smelled girl in the mall hehehe. Then my little tiny winy sister went shop for t-shirts, quite hard to find her taste- for she had none.



I finally found out that my childhood friend was in town, that's great news-hadn't seen her for a year or so. I supposed to meet her this night but i didn't hear her i'm-at-home signal because i was watching Failure to Launch. Just bought some DVDs, each had 8 movies-dear technology.....





0 Comments

paperdoll lost in a lost world Jun 21st, 2006 2:56:30 am - Subscribe
i feel dizzy and my chest hurts i need to stop this pattern i started

these things need tostop happening

tonight was weird and for some reason bothered me a little

im so tired

last night on the other hand was comfortable

cept for arguments im not in

i think you are going to become my new anchor i dont know how im gonna get through this summer

i couldnt sleep last night so i need to now

-ariel
1 Comments
Mood: stoned

omie Martians vs Venus Queens Jun 18th, 2006 11:46:14 pm - Subscribe
What's wrong with the world??? What's wrong with Love?

I'm completely lost in definions and feelings
Oh well, this is basicly about a guy who AMAZINGLY asked me to marry him altough he wasn't my boyfriend. Wasn't that ridiculous? Yes, to me.

I definately made it clear to him that there's no possibility between us, there's no chemistry at all...... And I'd been away for 7 months I thought he moved on, he didn't GEEZ!!!

So I LIED to him, i said that I had a relationship with someone while i was away. I know I'm mean, what more can i do? There's no point of hoping me to change my mind, i will never..............

--------------------------------------------------

i sat in silence thinking of you
how i waste you, how weird this is
everyone has been wasted
and it hurts, goddamn hurts
to think why can't just she............
but i can't, for your own good I can't
0 Comments
Mood: chaotic

omie should i escape???? to the heavens of earth..... Jun 18th, 2006 9:21:44 am - Subscribe
Life's been so lame since i came back home, simply have nothing to do. Well that means i can, you know, relax and think about myself but lately it's too much.

I have a though to get a job but it's not easy, my school will start quite soon and parttime job is a quite NO for Indonesia. I need to refresh my brain cos what's happened to me last year stucked in my head.

And this afternoon i got a text message from rhyme, she asked whether i still wanted to go to singapore. I didn't know, why singapore i thought....Why don't we just go to Bali and go to small villages and see their heritages??? The answer came from her was that it'd spend more money and there's no halal food there.

So Singapore, eh?? I dunno, a friend of mine said don't even bother to go there, "banyak orang kaya dengan muka bodoh" he said it perfectly like that in bahasa, impressed me since he's canadian.

In few days ahead i think i'll try to look for cheap flight to Singapore and try my best to not tell my destination to my parents. They'll freak out if they find out, then don't!


money, money, money
0 Comments
Mood: confuzzled