i.deserve
Date: Sep 20th, 2007 6:42:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: moodless
iMood: indigo, the color of twilight and in-between times

deserve |dəˈzərv| verb [ trans. ] do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment) ... merit, earn, warrant, rate, justify, be worthy of, be entitled to, have a right to, be qualified for.
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worthy |ˈwərðē| adjective ( -thier , -thiest )deserving effort, attention, or respect • having or showing the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way • good enough; suitable
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As I find myself in cycle after cycle of self-sabotage and doubt, these words continually emerge. And here with my coffee and my iTunes and my workday on the horizon, they surface again.
And I wonder, "who?" Who gets to determine whether or not I deserve good things or bad things, whether or not I am worthy of what I have or what I feel? Is it some distant deity - be it a voluptuous goddess with leaves in her hair or an elderly white guy - some benevolent higher power with a grand master plan? Or closer to earth - is it my children, my parents, my partner, my boss?
Some would say it is the individual alone who determines their worth, but isn't that just a matter of confidence? Some of the most extraordinary people I know have next to no self-confidence, does this make them less deserving of good things?
If we decide that external forces determine our value, then we have surrendered whatever power we hold over our lives - and in doing, absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our actions. If we determine that we alone get to judge our own merit, then we have removed ourselves from a sense of community, and alienated ourselves.
Perception is nine tenths of reality. I believe the other tenth is made up of equal parts Action and Reaction. Or, as put so succinctly by a man I find to be brilliant and well spoken and worthy of endless praise ... "If nothing we do means anything, then the only thing that means anything is what we do."

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