Sad, small, skin of porcelin. You're skin and bones, I'm a nervous wreck.
Date: Dec 14th, 2004 2:50:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hostile
So. Last night I was flipping out like a fucking psycho. I was just talking to people on IM then all of I gradualally got really pissed off. So I started trying to piss Jesse off, but he was just being so....nice. And it got me even more irritated. I was being huge bitch, then Susan said someting to me and I started crying and I wanted to SCREAM but "we don't scream in this household" so I shut my mouth and went downstairs. I called Jesse from Shannon's room and proceeding freaking out. I was crying and basically that's it, with a few "I hate my self" interludes. I don't know. I just got even more pissed off when Susan said I need to talk to my therapist about "coping skills." I was coping perfectly fine. I was. I wanted to cut, but I didn't. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't. I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I was just going to cry, think about things, and get over it.I really don't know why Jesse got mixed up with me, he's a fantastic person, and he dosen't need me to worry about. That's all I cause....just unnecessary worry.
Comments: (0)
Let's go...first date.
Date: Dec 10th, 2004 2:36:16 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Contemplative
So, tonight is the show, and I'll see Jesse. I,m so very excited! We IMed for two hours last night, which is awesome because I usually can't carry an IM for more than 10 minutes. I only have a little left to do on my scarf, just iron it and put on fringe.
Anyhow, yesterday sucked, the school day anyhow. I had to give a speech in 7th hour and, me, being the spaz I am, had a panic attack. It was so humiliating, I really am not looking forward to facing anyone from that hour, especially Zach, because he'll have NO problem laughing his ass of at me because I had a panic attack. So anyway, it was the typical symptoms, throat closed up, started shaking and crying, and it was horrible. I felt like my lungs couldn't hold any oxygen. So I ran down to the nurse and she helped me come out of it, and then called Susan and I left school. I didn't leave school early, I left at the usual time, but I have this thing where I get really anxious around groups of people, so...yeah, I wouldn't have been able to handle riding the bus. That explains me "shutting down" at TBT as I do sometimes, or just becoming really quiet and uncomfortable at parties or gatherings.
I have so much to do tonight. Blah. For the first time in a while I actually WANT to look nice. I guess that means spending more than 5 minutes getting ready...haha. I hope Troy isn't there, I mean, I'm sure he will be, but the prospect doesn't really get me smiling. Blah. I'm almost certain he'll be there...damnit.
Comments: (0)
The Sound Of Settling
Date: Dec 9th, 2004 2:51:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: nonchalant
Wow...life has actually been allright...since yesterday. I started knitting a scarf and it's actually kind of fun. Susan taught me how, and I kind of like it. I've been talking to this guy named Jesse, and he's a really big sweetheart, from what I can tell. He has almost the exact same sense of humor as I do, and we have all sorts of ridiculous conversations about grammar, and whatnot, it's pretty funny. I'm looking forward to seeing him on Friday night at the show, if Shannon's mom let's us go. I'm going to wear the scarf on Friday, and Jesse will be stunned by it, haha, we've had entire conversations centering around my scarf. I'm really glad I broke up with Zach though, because now I have a chance to find someone better for me. He's an allright person, but we were just too different to get along, hell, we hardly even got along as friends, so I don't know what either of us were thinking. Well....2nd hour now. Love, Katie
Comments: (1)
Psych Ward Sweetheart
Date: Dec 8th, 2004 4:33:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drowsy
Bah, so I'm supposed to be working on my physical science project, but I can't bring myself to do school work lately. I've been kind of strange, lately, I guess. I'm so used to being by myself every night, for as long as I can remember, it's natural to just go downstairs and hibernate. But now, now that I'm living with Shannon I'm actually expected to be seen around the house more than just when I get home from school. And it's strange! I'm so...used to just...amusing myself and not talking to anyone except maybe myself...write some poetry, write in my journal, read a few books. Actual human interaction between the hours of 4 and 10 is just...bizarre. I'm sure I'm aggravating Susan (Shannon's mom), and I don't mean to offend, I just...am used to being alone. Maybe I'll get used to being around people?
I've talked to Paul and Brandon...and decided I'm just through with them. I can't stand all of the drama that Brandon creates, I can accept that ONCE I loved him, but no longer do, but he can't accept the fact that I've moved on. He doesn't want me, he wants me to be in love with him (a very different thing). And...Paul is a sweetheart, but Brandon and I have too much past and Paul is too connected to Brandon. I just want to move beyond all of this, and I can't really see that happening when I'm still communicating with one or both of them.
I haven't really known what to do with myself lately. I've been really feeling the urge to SI but...I've promised to various people that I won't. But I want to! To feel that pain again would just relieve so much of this...stress...stress that I can't handle. To be honest I tried burning the other day. Yesterday, in fact. I even showed Shannon the exact spot I did it and asked her what it looked like. I don't know what I was thinking, I really don't. I was just being bizarre, and I guess we can just chalk it up to that, but I think I had subconscious ulterior motives for showing it to Shannon, and I can’t figure them out.
Comments: (2)