idrawstars's Blog

Psych Ward Sweetheart
Date: Dec 8th, 2004 4:33:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drowsy


Bah, so I'm supposed to be working on my physical science project, but I can't bring myself to do school work lately. I've been kind of strange, lately, I guess. I'm so used to being by myself every night, for as long as I can remember, it's natural to just go downstairs and hibernate. But now, now that I'm living with Shannon I'm actually expected to be seen around the house more than just when I get home from school. And it's strange! I'm so...used to just...amusing myself and not talking to anyone except maybe myself...write some poetry, write in my journal, read a few books. Actual human interaction between the hours of 4 and 10 is just...bizarre. I'm sure I'm aggravating Susan (Shannon's mom), and I don't mean to offend, I just...am used to being alone. Maybe I'll get used to being around people?

I've talked to Paul and Brandon...and decided I'm just through with them. I can't stand all of the drama that Brandon creates, I can accept that ONCE I loved him, but no longer do, but he can't accept the fact that I've moved on. He doesn't want me, he wants me to be in love with him (a very different thing). And...Paul is a sweetheart, but Brandon and I have too much past and Paul is too connected to Brandon. I just want to move beyond all of this, and I can't really see that happening when I'm still communicating with one or both of them.

I haven't really known what to do with myself lately. I've been really feeling the urge to SI but...I've promised to various people that I won't. But I want to! To feel that pain again would just relieve so much of this...stress...stress that I can't handle. To be honest I tried burning the other day. Yesterday, in fact. I even showed Shannon the exact spot I did it and asked her what it looked like. I don't know what I was thinking, I really don't. I was just being bizarre, and I guess we can just chalk it up to that, but I think I had subconscious ulterior motives for showing it to Shannon, and I can’t figure them out.


Comments: (2)

amnesiac - December 08th, 2004 i kinda here what your saying about si. i know that urge. when your in a certain heavy situation or whatever but inside your head your mind is elsewhere imagining it. imagining the intense relief that it would give you. It's tough. i think about it to varying degrees all the time. sometimes i cross the line, but lately not so much.

david - December 10th, 2004 Welcome to Emo Blog idrawstars!

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