the sun's heat is irritating, and it further irritates me to know that i have absolutely nothing to write about.

my mind, though i hate to say it, is blank. so is my life. i feel like there's nothing at all to look forward to.

*big sigh.

If only you'd try to open up, so i could understand you. We've been friends for 2 and a half years now, and what you've been showing last week was definitely not you. Your signals are mixed! I don't know what's going on. Dang. it's amazing how you could leave me this confused.

Stop being too "great" and give yourself a break. Face it, your ambitions are too high for a single person to make real. Believe it or not, you can't change the world. Stop trying to be the superhero that everyone's waiting for--they're not even waiting for anyone. All they wanna do is live their own lives, and I think they would be happier if you stop trying to make them better.

Stop trying to prove that you're great, at least to me. Because i am not one of those people. You need not prove anything anymore. All i want to see right now are your imperfections, your weaknesses--I know that beneath the thick facade, they still exist. I will dig in to your core, until I find them. And once I do, I'll fill in those holes to make you stronger, so you could alter that world you've wanted to change so much. I will help you, and I promise to try and be God's best.

But first, be human.

"Who are you?", whispered Coraline.

"Names, names, names," said another voice, all faraway and lost. "The names are the first things to go, after the breath has gone, and the beating of the heart. We keep our memories longer than our names. I still keep pictures in my mind,...but i have forgotten the name of my governess, and the tulips as well."

~ loved this excerpt. made me think of death, and the mortality of not just the person, but everything around him as well--everything he owns, everything that made up his identity.

His name will be disregarded...remembered, perhaps, but only for a while. There is no exception--even if you are a famous celebrity, a hero...there WILL come a time that you will no longer be mentioned, or even read about.

Well, unless ofcourse you're Jesus Christ.

But seriously, your deepest mark in this world would be the memories of you that the people who love you will carry. They may remember you for your remarkable talent, the pretty color of your hair, the perfume you use, your favorite type of clothes...yes, these are images. And images, like what the kid from the excerpt had mentioned, last. But then again, these images of you about your voice, your physical appearance, your possessions, your achievements--are shallow.

I thought about it and I realized that if i really want to make a deep etch in people's hearts, in this world and in the next, I should start leaving them with images that are really worth remembering. Stuff that would really touch their lives--like images of me making them laugh, images of me speaking out my shitty but sensible thoughts to encourage them to be stronger, or images of me overcoming unhealthy habits (like cutting my arm and such) to hopefully serve as an influence (ahem)...

hmm..i wonder, would the image of an angel giving warmth and care to that neglected child crying in the desert perhaps cause a miracle of tears to fall from a specific person's eyes when i die? hee2. just wondering. oh well.

i miss this person right here...
asan ka na bang babae ka? binura na ako ng bruhang yon sa buhay mo. i guess there's no other choice...i'ma leave you TOTALLY behind. it's for real this time...although whenever i see that long, thorn-lined road ahead, i tend to glance back at you, realizing that it's not the barricades, the bottomless pits, the quicksands, nor the pieces of broken glass scattered on the road that scare me. it's the fact that this time, i will have to walk this road without you as my ultimate reason. i will no longer be able to cling to you whenever i am drained of strength to stand up.

20 to 35% of me still refuses to let you go. i wanna do something about this fast, otherwise it might go back to 50. then 60. then 80...i know very well that i CAN'T let that happen. there's no other choice but to literally lose everything--even the friendship itself.

except through poetry, this is the last time that i'm gonna dwell on you in one of my entries. i am letting it all go now...the significant songs-- Goodbye to you, Sori na, She Will Be Loved, The Reason, Half Life, Nobody Knows, Come On.., the experiences with each other that i am most thankful for, the messages, the stuff i did for you, the things you did for me, the promises that never actually came true, mcdonald's fillet-o-fish meal, your previous birthday being "incomplete" without me, the stuff you told me so i would stop crying, Lilo and Stitch, the jacket you insisted on lending me when i was cold at the moviehouse, the skirt you were willing to wear (even though you hated skirts) for me on jay's debut party, the day you went over to my house and played the guitar & sang "Sori na", the sunday morning when you drove and picked me up from here to go someplace, the jeepneys and tricycles we rode (LOL), Tokyo tokyo and how i couldn't use the chopsticks with you looking at me, the time when you wanted to pick me up at about 11:45 in the evening when i was locked out of the house, the time i ran after you barefoot (because i removed my heels) inside a mall when you got upset with lanel and quit the band, the time when you were out of town and you bought a SMART sim card (because GLOBE had no signal there) so we could keep in touch, the night before your birthday when you told me your feelings, and my personal favorite--the time you told me about your dream--being in the desert, alone, and an angel coming up to you which you said was me.

looks like i can't be your angel, anymore, can i? i'll leave you alone now. it's time to stop trying to be that 'angel'. "I know that goodbye means nothing at all, comes back and begs me to catch her everytime she falls" --i have just erased that from my mind, right at this moment. I'll leave you. completely. But I want you to know for the last time, that I never regretted having you, because God gave you to me back when i needed Him the most. You're the only person that i have loved this much, and i doubt if that will ever change.

Okay, enough of this bullcrap. This is your angel, signing off.

haha. discovered this when i was looking through crap on the net, and i decided to make this my private blog. so i'ma delete the one on blogspot.