sigh.
Aug 29th, 2008 9:14:45 pm - SubscribeMood: forlorn.
A brief meditation on why I hate everything right now:
- I am sick. I feel like my head is encased in a glass fishbowl.
- People annoy me. Especially children. Especially the sound of their voices. This is problematic given my job choice.
- Today is the last day of work, which, while being a good thing, also kind of sucks because I don't think I will see any of these people again and it reinforces the fact that I have to start EVERYTHING over again in less than a week.
- I'm feeling completely alone, and to top that off nicely, everyone that matters to me is off having fun in BC.
Things I've learned the hard way:
- Never go anywhere without kleenex or the like. EVER.
- Hauling it out of bed earlier and having breakfast results in a much better day than sleeping until you nearly miss the bus.
- Travel when you have the opportunity.
- Don't learn the same lesson twice.
More to come, probably.
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lonely.
Jun 16th, 2008 5:19:31 am - SubscribeMood: exasperated
I'm afraid right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will be alright.
I don't want to fall back into misery, but I can feel it pull me. No matter how I try to look at things, it comes back to the fact that I'm alone, unwanted, unwantable.
I know in myself I have a huge, shining saving grace. I don't know what it is in nature. But it catches me in the end, always. Or at least prevents me from falling too fast.
But I don't want despair. I don't want loneliness and pain. But I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning that throwing my affection and my hopes on the first person who catches my eye does not result in me not being lonely. Yes, maybe for almost a week. But not for long enough.
I live for the next person who will lift my heart.
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Freedom.
Jun 14th, 2008 5:21:55 pm - SubscribeMood: feeling good.
It bothers me that I don't feel I can write as freely here as I once could. I've already done some damage by forgetting that words (sometimes especially mine) can be very powerful. I don't want to cause anyone pain.
But I still want to write. And I like Aeonity a lot, and I don't want to make a new blog. This is where my past is as well. And if I make them all private entries, I'll never receive any reflection by others. So it's frustrating. I suppose I will continue to write cryptically until I can be sure of things.
Anyway - my graduation turned out exceedingly well. And as much as I worried and ranted about it, the whole day was exciting and fun and beautiful. I felt beautiful. And confident, and desired. Even days afterwards I floated on this feeling, and even right now (more than a week later) it remains in me.
Also, I figured out some stuff. I can't be uninhibited in discussing it here, but it was a pretty nice revelation. I'm hoping yet more good will come of it. It actually kind of frustrates me that I can't write about it... hmmm.
I'd like to employ this space for a brief meditation on the birth control pill, and how it does not mix well with me. I realized this in the shower a few minutes ago, but I've been not taking it for about three months now, and I am a lot improved. It did help a lot while I was taking it, because it balanced everything out in my system. But now I'm off it. And suddenly I am happier. My moods are a lot more static and less extreme, making me a lot happier as a whole. My skin is clearer. I'm losing weight again. I eat more regularly, and even sleep more (but I don't think that is directly related. It's probably more as a result of everything else.) So, without delving too deeply into my medical life, I just wanted to point out that sometimes messing around with the human body can make you a lot less happy than leaving it to do its own thing.
And with that, I depart.
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endings and battles.
Jun 2nd, 2008 2:59:43 am - SubscribeMood: shutting down.
I'm supposed to be writing paragraphs on UN peacekeeping missions right now, but I am a mess. If I don't write I will soon fall apart.
I can't put these thoughts into any organized or elegant narrative - they must come out, unpolished as they are.
In three days I am graduating from high school - but it's more than that. In three days I am marking my departure from the place I have grown up, the school I have attended for twelve years, the people I love and am close to. I am saying goodbye.
Well, sorry, but I'm quite abysmal at saying goodbye in general. This is why I am a mess. In my heart, I am ready to leave. In my brain and the parts of me that determine my emotional state, I don't know what my life is like without that place and those people. This is the end of my childhood and adolescence. I'm going to be a basket case. I have been feeling weepy for weeks already.
THEN, putting aside the significance, there's the actual event itself. I don't think I have obsessed this much over a single evening in the course of my life. It's getting ridiculous.
The thing is, I know it will be fun. But I also know there is no possible way for me to avoid dwelling on the subject of my date during the evening.
There really is nothing wrong with my date - except for who he isn't. Believe me, I appreciate the fact that he exists (in the form of my date) at all.
It's just that I envisioned my grad very differently. And it hurts. Because it was so important, and now I don't have a clue what it will be like. I don't think aforementioned date likes me very much as a person, which kind of takes the sparkle of possibility off of things, right? Not to mention that my self-esteem has taken a dive recently and I can't actually imagine anyone looking at me in a good way anymore. I wish I was small, quiet, pretty and fun. I'm not.
I try hard to love myself, but the main problem there is that my love isn't good enough for me. I need to be loved by other people. I want appreciation so badly. Yes, I am glad to have been asked to go to grad. I don't care too much about what the intent was, but I am fairly sure it was a just-as-friends invite, which is good all things considered. I just wish I could feel beautiful or confident or AT LEAST comfortable, or be attractive for the evening and feel wanted. How is that going? So far, it isn't. I look at myself and I don't see much that is beautiful or that I can feel confident in. I just see that my arms are fat and I can't dance and no one will look twice at me because my personality isn't exactly a beacon.
I think this could just be a bad day. I think that earlier in this week I told myself I was happy the way I am. Well, a day of bra shopping is bad for my self-image, for sure. And that scale having been broken hasn't exactly helped.
Being "nice" isn't good enough any more. I am through with being wanted around because of my "nice"ness. Once I graduate from Westmount, I will lose everyone that knows me as me. Maybe that means I don't have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe I can be pretty or fun or interesting or creative instead of "nice".
The problem there is that I AM "nice". That would be me. I am not especially anything else. My most noticeable quaility is compassion and kindness. I know that is a good thing. I am glad that people recognize it. I just wish that there were some other good reasons to keep me around, you know?
Anyway... I'm done, I think. I'm not happy with the scale; it's not aiding me in the battle to love myself.
Clarity is most definitively needed.
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selfish.
May 21st, 2008 1:42:19 am - SubscribeMood: worn down.
7.17pm
I am a terrible, self-centered individual so absorbed in my own emotional twists and turns of drama that I do not heed anyone else's feelings.
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