Thoughts on my writing.

May 19th, 2008 4:49:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: placid.
Song:: I'll Keep Your Memory Vague - Finger Eleven

7.56pm
I make resolutions a lot. Is that normal? Sometimes I manage to fulfill them, but more often than not I end up where I started.
Keeping my room clean, for instance. Not going as well as I had hoped.
I have an inkling that maintenance just isn't my strength. Creativity is, but without the wherewithal to keep things going it never amounts to much. If it did, I would be surrounded by successful projects of my own design and undertaking, polished and completed.

8.05pm
I'm not. I'm surrounded by clutter and intentions. Oh, God. I'm an idea man.

8.14pm
I have a strange aversion to turning on electric lights indoors when there is still natural light to be had. I do it if I have to, but generally prefer to ruin my eyesight trying to read in half-light coming through a window. It's usually not a conscious decision. Maybe it would discourage the sun from shining. Or, perhaps, cause me not to notice the fading of the evening light.

10.06pm
When I write for myself, I write beautiful uninhibited things. When I write for public posting, everything is inane; contrived; controlled; devoid of feeling and expression.
When I write for myself and display the result publicly, all hell seems to break loose. People are often paying much closer attention than I realize - there is more perception than I bank on and explanations are due.
I forget that in my hands; in my thoughts - in my writing - words are powerful and dangerous. They are my weapon and one that I am well accustomed to using for ends both right and wrong.
I forget that the power of the written word is not only effective on their writer. However intoxicated I can become in the expression of these things, I should exercise more thought and judgment.
I write beautiful things - things that I am proud of - and place each one in prominence, to be found with only the slightest desire, but these are not what catch the attention of those whose contemplation I seek. Instead, the storms - the dark, unhappy uprisings of emotion - and the fires are what I am judged by and questioned of.
I resent it. Whole worlds I could create you out of language, full of the lovely and profound and intricate patterns that are at my disposal, but I doubt you would care to take a look deep enough to fall in. I could open flood-gates of feelings and render them as real as the sensations of your skin if you'd only consider the works I put forward to you.
You refuse to be drawn in. Words, my greatest weapon, are useless onward from the point where your eyes transfer them from the page to your mind.
Without the reader they are impotent, but are equally insignificant once within.
I repeatedly get the sense that the pen, however great, is not mightier than the sword and that I am fighting a losing battle with outdated artillery.

10.39pm
That is how I need to write more often on here. That's the variety of writing that feels the best.
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Minor revelation.

May 19th, 2008 12:25:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: relaxed.

Wow.

So it has now been more than a year since I last posted anything here. I'm not exactly sure why.

I read over my old entries.
Important things I realized as a product of this:
- Times change.
- I changed.
- I write very differently when I write for an imagined reader.
- But in spite of it all, I still write. Even now. Even after all these changes.
- It's been a long time since I let myself be free in my writing, because I expect too much. I miss my poems and lists; my quotes, song lyrics, rants, photos and rambles. I miss writing for its own sake.

Unimportant things I realized:
- If I'm unstable now, I was practically bipolar before. I'm considerably better now.
- I have learned a lot; gained and lost a lot.
- I'm ashamed to say that I winced a few times over what I used to write about. But that was then.

The only surprising thing I realized:
- I grew up. Apparently sometime between now and last April.

So I'm back, because I enjoy writing. I have a lot to say right off the bat, but I might let it settle out and come back later instead.
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insignificant rant.

Apr 18th, 2007 11:03:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: down.
Song:: How Good Things Are - Jann Arden

4.11pm
So I'm back from Ecuador as of five days ago. It was an amazing trip and I worried for nothing. Right now I wish I was still there, as it's snowing again and I'm tired of the world at large.

[This space reserved for rant about people and life and death.]
[rant]
It could happen to me. I could wake up some beautiful sunny morning, go to school, be sitting in class with the friends and classmates I've grown up with and suddenly be shot in the stomach by a kid with a gun and nothing else. Or an adult with a gun and nothing else. Or an eight-year-old. Granted, in Canada that is somewhat more unlikely since we have the gun registry. But it still happens here, like in Montreal in September.
What kind of world is this? I can't feel safe in my own school, even on a street in my very quiet and elderly neighborhood. Life and death are a game - maybe you win and get to live a regular lifespan, but maybe someone picks up a weapon and your time ends before you can even say goodbye to your parents, to your boyfriend or little brother; before you can even cry or pray. Maybe all your dreams are in vain.
And yet we vindicate it and make it okay through violence on television and in movies and in video games. Life is objectified: you win if you collect x number of lives. If you eat the little mushroom, you get an extra life. You lose a life if you get shot. But really, you only have one and you can't trade it or collect it. And maybe that's fine with you, but maybe you'd feel differently about it if you had a bullet in your stomach.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Where can I go, really? I think the US needs gun control - at this point, it has to happen. There's no alternative. But it's people that kill people, not guns.
So however far removed this may seem from me personally, I am affected and I am feeling it. And it happened in Taber, which is, what, 30 minutes away from me? So it's not far-removed at all. It's everywhere. And I'm having some difficulty dealing with it, and accepting the fact that we've built the world we live in and continue to build it the same way, even though it's falling down everywhere on us. I want another option. I refuse to let it go and therefore make it okay. I want change.
[/rant]

4.51pm
It's my birthday on Friday. Sadly also Hitler's birthday, 4/20 and the anniversary of Columbine (not that I'm stuck in a rut topic-wise or anything). I have the worst birthday ever - 4/20 may appeal to some, but it repulses me. But I'm excited! I get to go out for dinner at Mercato, which is splendid.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame is really depressing like the rest of life right now. But I love Victor Hugo, so it's worth it.
Comments: (1)

Ecuador.

Mar 23rd, 2007 3:56:56 am - Subscribe
Mood: saddish.
Song:: Wolf at the Door - Keane

I wish they would invent (prescription) drugs that prevented one from thinking while in an airport or on an airplane or on any transportation to or from an airport. Because that would make tomorrow so much easier. If I could just shut out the fact that I'm leaving; that I will be gone for 21 days, I would not be worried about tomorrow at all.
But there it stands. I will be gone for three weeks while in Ecuador saving the (third) world. I really haven't the will to write about how amazing it will be. I still have to get through leaving as of now.
Anyway. Bye for three weeks. Maybe if we get some internet cafe time I will post. I'll miss the Northern hemisphere...

[PS.I love you.]
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under your spell again.

Jan 18th, 2007 7:24:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: inadequate.
Song:: good enough - evanescence

...And I'm still waiting
for the rain to fall;
pour real life down on me -

'cause I can't hold on
to anything this good
enough...

am I good enough
for you
to love me too?

So take care
what you ask of me
'cause I can't say no...

[Good Enough - Evanescence]
Comments: (4)

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