new shit, but still shit
Date: Jul 16th, 2007 10:09:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: lousy
What do you want?: alcohol, but we've drank it all

I've done a lot recently. Got a new construction job, big bucks, moved out and into my own apartment, took care of and made life or death decisions for my mother when she got into an acccident that should have killed her, and oh so much more, but I'm not happy.

I moved into the apartment with a friend and my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I aren't sharing a room, separate spaces, and two weeks after we moved in together she dumped me, she's not in love with me. What sucks is that I'm still in love with her. I get all depressed at times about it, but most of the time I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It got worse today when I read her livejournal and saw a post from her ex. His post was along the lines of, "when I read this my stomach flipped like it used to back when we were first dating, I still care about you". I need to control myself and be nice, I mean I have no business saying anything because I'm not with her anymore. It hurts and I'm having a problem dealing with it in a healthy way. I know I get over it but It just sucks right now.

I've been thinking about just have sex with people, safe sex of course, but no relationships.
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fucking fifteen years old
Date: Mar 10th, 2007 8:48:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: defeated
What do you want?: time

It's pathetic when you have to babysit a 15-year-old because they can't be left on their own. It's a fucking pain in the ass when you have to give up your fucking weekend and the one day you don't have to go to school or work so that the said 15-year-old can have some girl over when he's supposed to be grounded. I shouldn't have to do it, but my father and Cord asked me to, so I do, and he is then a little shit the entire time.

I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend this weekend, go to smyrc then do something the next day together. Friday and Saturday are the only days I get to see her. Saturday being the only day both of us have free, and she chose to waste her day sitting at my house so that the little shit could have someone over, I'm sorry baby. I just feel bad because I wasn't able to help her take her mind off of shit like I had wanted to. I don't know, I just feel bad, like it's my fault that we weren't able to go do anything this weekend.

I'm not going to deal with his shit anymore I'm done enabling him. It shouldn't have taken this long for me to do.

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Tuesday and no school
Date: Jan 16th, 2007 6:35:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: discontent
What do you want?: Something hot, like my rice

A real snow-day, it's astonishing. This is real snow, there's around three inches of it on the ground and when it was still falling the flakes were big and fluffy and coming down fast. I've missed the snow, so I guess I got my wish, I am disappointed that they cancelled school though, that would have been fun. Everyone else in my house is asleep, so I went outside and made a snowman, and am now waiting for my ninety second rice.

We've been having this writer come into our psychology class at school and work with us. He had everyone write a story he collected them a week after winter break and he's going to put them in a book that we all get a copy of. I know it's not a big thing, just a bunch of high school kid's stories in one place, but it's nice to think that I'm going to be published. I like the idea, so I've been thinking lately that maybe I would do something with all of my stories and poems that I've written for myself. I know I won't, but again it's a nice idea.

My rice is done, off to find the soy sauce.
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do do da do
Date: Dec 21st, 2006 3:59:56 am - Subscribe
Mood: Cynical
What do you want?: whiskey would be nice

Christmas break is here and I'm bored out of my mind. I've been having this urge lately to go. Just get up and go do something. Leave the house early in the morning and not come home until late or even better leave town for a couple days. I want adventure, tension, anger, fast, emotionally crushing. I just feel like I should go do something, but I haven't figured anything out yet. I'll come up with something. Maybe when I go buy everyone's Christmas presents instead of going home afterwards I'll just wander the town, take the max and the bus all over this small-large city. I miss Seattle; I think I want to see California.

Speaking of, my girlfriend has been there since Monday and she'll be there until Sunday. I miss her, but all is well. I miss going back home for holidays having the run of everything, going somewhere in the middle of the night and not coming home until I feel like it. Some days I wish I hadn't gotten so responsible and started doing what I should. I realize that if I ever want to have the things I want, like a house and a car; be able to take care of myself and maybe another person, I have to work. I have to graduate and then go on to college and then get a job that is a career, make money. I can't just do what I want when I want, there's always give and take.

But sometimes I think that just one night would be good. It would feel so great, and then I sit outside and light my cigarette and think. I look at all the buildings and street lights, I listen to the noise and I sigh. It wouldn't be the same it wouldn't be like walking somewhere in Idaho where you could walk from one end of the town to the other in two hours at a brisk pace, and maybe that's what I want. Maybe that's why I used to walk an hour and a half home from school everyday when I could have taken the school bus. It wasn't just that I hated going home; I took that walk because I wanted to feel like I'd accomplished something. I don't even know if I'm really going to graduate this year. What have I accomplished since I moved up here? I've stopped punching things and getting in fights, hurting myself, but I didn't do any of it for me so I don't get that feeling that I'm yearning for. All I wanted was to graduate on time and I don't think I can do it.

I'll have to deal and move on; I'm the one that put me in this situation.

God I miss my girlfriend

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Busy is better, but it causes problems
Date: Dec 12th, 2006 3:51:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: worried
What do you want?: to play with fire, but not alone.

I like to keep busy, I feel unsatisfied when I'm not doing anything for long periods of time. My girlfriend likes to tell me that I'm a work-a-holic, maybe. It's good to feel like you've accomplished something. I worked enough that I made enough money to pay for my class ring in full, on time, and all on my own. I like to rely on myself.

There are however a few downsides. A small one being that I'm always so tired. The bigger one being that I'm not the only one who's going to school and working alot, so is my girlfriend. It's putting a little strain on our relationship. We don't get to see eachother as often as we'd like to. I see her once a week. She either always has class or is at work or it's the other way around and I'm the unavailable one. We can never seem to be able to make our schedules match up. It's been bothering her more and more and she's mentioned something to me about how people have been telling her she should just date someone that goes to her school, that it would be easier.

I know it's just a little thing and I wouldn't even think on it too much. All we really have to do is wait until the end of this summer when we plan to move in together. It's just that this isn't the only thing that's been a problem. I want someone's oppinion on this. She's said something to me a little while ago and I don't really know what to do or what it really means. She said that the butterflies are gone.

Granted this was like three weeks ago and we stoped having canversations about it about a week ago, but I'm just at a loss. Does it mean she's unsatisfied with anything? Everything? We may not be talking about it, but the seriousness that she put on the subject means it can't just go away can it? She's told me she doesn't want to break up and that she doesn't want a break either.

I am one confused and worried boyfriend. Can anyone help me out? Is there anything I can or should do?
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