Today was a rather interesting day. I was almost late for school, but my councilor happened to be driving down Division, and pulled over and gave me a ride. She started a conversation with me, and ended up comming out to me. She started talking about christmas decorations and revered to her significant other as "my partner" then she said, something along the lines of "we usually go over to her sisters house for christmas dinner and gifts. I thought she was gay, but I wasn't sure, I guess I know now.
I got to walk my friend around on a leash, that was fun.
Today was a fairly good day for starting out so shitty with my dad's partner playing step parent and telling my for the second time this week that I'm a fuck up and can't take care of myself. He gives me one more Damn order and I swear I'm going to walk out of the house and go to a friends house for a couple days. It's the only thing I can do unless I'm willing to live back in Idaho with my mother again. Don't think so.
I've been drawing again lately and I realized how much I've missed the way I loose concentration on everything except for the paper in front of me. I'm getting back into my art. I found some of my old stuff and have but it up on DA. I'm starting to regain myself one piece at a time, there are certain pieces I miss that I'm not willing to retrieve, but I'm getting there.
I was sitting in class today thinking, "why the fuck is he still talking to me?" and I figured it out.
Lee and I got in a fight the other day, because I got angry and started punching him. Yet even though He got me pissed off enough that I actually hit him, I don't hate him now and he doesn't hate me. he can push my buttons, and piss me off and I had no clue why until I thought about it today.
He reminds me of Hector, they have the same build, the same let's cause trouble i could give a fuck less who says i can't do this attitude, he makes the same kind of jokes, He even Kind of looks like Hector except he's a little bigger. he reminds me of Hector. That's why at some points he pisses me off (cause it makes me miss Hector and Idaho), and other points I'm having tons of fun. It's creepy.
I think Lee's getting himself exspelled for bringing fireworks to school.
I don't know what caused it, but today I had a flashback.
I was five, and in kindergarden, I had just gotten to school and was taking my coat off even though it was really cold. The zipper was broken, so it annoyed me when I was trying to play soccer with everyone in the morning. I had gotten it off and had it half way stuffed into my bag, when this teacher who somehow ended up behind me says, "You put that coat back on right now!"
"I don't wanna."
"Put it back on!"
So being a five year old getting told to do something by a teacher, I put the coat back on.
"See isn't that better?" She says in the tone most people use to talk to five-year olds.
"No." I mumble and walk away.
I walk over to the other side of the playground where the soccer field is, where the big kids are on the other end of the building. I stop, take my coat off, and put it in my bag, and continue all the way out to the soccer field, where the game is about to commence.
Apparently I've always preffered giving orders, rather than taking them.
I'm glad I moved up here to live with my dad, but man have I missed the snow. I couldn't sleep last night as usual (damn insomnia) and so I slept until like 2:00 p.m. today, and would have slept longer, but my girlfriend called and woke me up. I'm glad she did. It was, and is snowing . It's not like it is when it snows in Idaho, but it's still snow in some form. God have I missed it. Snowball fights, giving you little brother a white-wash, wrestling in it, and what's really fun is paintball wars in the snow. It's good to see snow again. I may want it to be snowing more because it's more fun to play in, but I'm glad it's not, Portland's not really equipped to handle large amounts of snow, and if the buses shut down I'd be stuck at home. Where's the fun in that? I'm the only minor in the house, playing video games by yourself when you'd rather be out in the snow, is not cool.
I'm off to see my girl.
Tomorrow is a day of laundry, chores and packing, it's my last full day before I leave to go back to Idaho for Christmas. I hope it snows back home, it's been a long time since I've last seen a white Christmas. I have people I have to see when I get there, that I'd rather not and people that I can't wait to see.
I hope maybe going back to Idaho, I'll be able to be me again. The arrogant, I'll do what I want, go where I want, no one is in charge of me, cocky asshole that I could at least stand. Not the person I have been lately. Don't change for women, it's never a good thing, my first girlfriend I refused to let change me, it broke us up, but my latest ex, why I thought I needed her, I don't know. It must have been a loss of sanity to refuse to stand up for myself, that's not me. I don't like that I acted that way. I guess what my ambitions for this trip back home amount to are two things.
One: Help out my friend Anna, don't let her end up where I left Idaho to keep myself from being.
Two: to come back with myself. My Pride, my anger, my arrogance. All of it, I want it all back. Maybe not the alcohol and the pot, but I want me back. I want to regain every little quirk that most people couldn't stand about me. I want back that confidence that let me know a chick for only a couple of hours at a party, end up with her phone number before I left, and a couple days later be staying a night at her house. I MISS ME!!